Man insists on inviting nephew to his wedding; 'I don't CARE that he's estranged from my brother.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

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When this man is upset with his brother, he asks the internet:

"AITA for inviting my nephew to my wedding despite his estrangement from my brother?"

I (33M) am marrying my fiancé (37M) this winter. We’re putting together the guest list to send the invitations out and have run into an issue over my nephew and my brother.

My brother (38M) was 18 when his girlfriend told him she was pregnant. They ended up moving in together and my brother decided to go to find work as a mechanic rather than go to college as he’d planned.

My nephew was born a little while later. They got married when she told him she was pregnant with their second kid (15F) and then had two more, both 10M.

Ever since my nephew was born he’s been literally one of my favourite people. I babysat him plenty of times, same with my other niblings, and have spent my twenties as their guncle [gay uncle]. My brother and me were close as kids and I’ve been close with his kids as well.

Five years ago my brother found out my nephew wasn't his and his now ex wife had been sleeping with someone else at the time and had suspected my oldest nephew wasn’t my brother’s since he was a little kid.

They ended up getting a divorce and my brother didn’t seek custody of my oldest nephew and said he didn’t want to see him. He told me that he needed time to process and would try to patch things up later. That idea was kind of ruined when my nephew turned up at my brother’s apartment begging to talk. It turned into an argument between them.

For context, our father had just passed a couple of months earlier. During the argument my nephew said something along the lines of “No wonder mom fd somebody else. I bet grandpa hated you.”

My brother cut things off then and there and has refused to see my nephew since. I stepped in as the main male figure in my nephew’s life, much as I dislike my ex-SIL. I even took him out for his 18th birthday and took him looking at universities and he now goes to my alma mater.

I asked my brother how he wants to handle the seating situation if they don't want to be close together. My brother was angry I’d even invite my nephew after everything that happened. He said it’d be like inviting my ex-SIL, “he’s not family, he’s just the prick who disrespected our dad.”

I said he’s being petty and childish taking the words of a scared and angry 14-year-old so personally.

He was a kid who said something shitty because his entire world was falling apart and the person he’d relied on for his whole life was suddenly pulling away, and instead of being understanding and doing family therapy or something like a grownup my brother decided to give adult weight to a teenager’s words and cut him off completely.

My nephew has said he’s okay with not going if it’s causing an issue, but I told him not to be ridiculous: he’s important to me and I want him there for when I marry my person.

I told him he shouldn't let my brother's inability to let go be his problem. My fiance agrees with me. My mom and sister both say I need to see it from my brother’s perspective. I think he’s just being petty. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: INFO Did your brother ask your nephew for space directly or did he just abandon the kid and rely on his lying, cheating ex to pass along the message?

OOP: IIRC [if I remember correctly] he didn't say anything to my nephew, just up and left

How it came out:

OOP: Yes. I'm pretty sure the whole thing started over a blood typing assignment thing for biology class (brother is O neg, ex-SIL is A neg, nephew is A pos)

Commenter: Your brother is allowed to set boundaries “I won’t be at your wedding if the kid is there because of my mental health” and you’re allowed to say “ok”. Someone’s boundaries are their own. If they try to manipulate or change you or your choices to enforce their boundaries, that crosses the line into controlling. NTA

OOP: The problem is he wants me to uninvite my nephew. He feels entitled to go himself

Age of nephew:

Clarification, he's 19 now, he was 14 when this all went down.

Commenter: Has he shown remorse for what he said? He is old enough now to know he said something wrong and to apologize.

OOP: He said he'll apologize if my brother apologizes for abandoning him

Nephew's bio-dad

OOP: He has no relationship with his biodad and expresses no desire for one. He's said when people tell him that he asks why he should seek put a relationship with a perfect stranger he's never met before.

Commenter: You are allowed to invite who you want to your wedding. Just recognize you will be facing repercussions either way. You will destroy your relationship with someone or several someone’s. If for example, you destroy your relationship with your brother, will you be destroying your relationship with his other children? Will you be able to live with that? NAH

OOP: Visiting my nephew before he was 18 meant attaching a clothespin to my nose and spending time in the same general vicinity of my sx-SIL regardless.

My relationship with my other niblings is safe, they have 50/50 custody and my niece wants her brother there (I just found this out because my brother complained to our sister that they had a fight about it when she found out he didn't want her brother there)

OOP responds to a longer comment:

OOP: I'm not gonna blame a scared, angry kid for lashing out. As far as he was concerned my brother was his father who he's suddenly being abandoned by.

Commenter: You don’t got to blame him but you could’ve held him accountable and tell him that his word had meaning. What so hard about that? Like y’all saying kid this kid that but that don’t mean you don’t got to hold him accountable

OOP: We talked it over. He called me in a panic thinking he'd ruined everything and I told him what bus to take to get to somewhere near my apartment and we talked about it. I offered to be the go-between and ask my brother if he'd be willing to talk more civilly and he said he didn't want to see him again.

Commenter: ESH, your brother needed time to process everything. I mean, he abandoned all his college plans and life plans to be there for his wife and what he thought was his child and found out all these years later that everything was a lie. He had the rug pull out from under him.

Then afterwards his dad dies. I mean that’s tough, you don’t sound like you cut him any slack.

You are doing a good job of undermining your brother’s feelings. Do you even like him? Your brother deserved space at the time. Who’s to say he wasn’t going to go back to parenting your nephew?

Your nephew said something that was extremely mean spirited. Yes, he was a teenager, but since when are teenagers exempt from accountability? I think you’re not doing a good job of managing this situation and it seems like you’ve already abandoned your brother.

OOP: Accountability is "tell them what they did wrong and make them make amends as best as they can," not "cut them out entirely and claim their harsh words were the reason."

Commenter: Those are not harsh words. Those are definitely "fighting words" if I've ever seen them. What your nephew said was cruel and said in such a vulnerable time, and it's insane that you can't recognize that.

Your brother was kicked when he was already down, he was a boss whose shiny glowing weakness was exposed and attacked, he had salt rubbed into the wound.

OOP: and my nephew was a scared angry kid whose whole world was falling apart and, at 14, had nowhere near the emotional maturity to deal with that fact well. They were both hurt people who hurt people. The difference is my nephew has no issue with my brother being there whereas my brother didn't want me to invite my nephew.

Nephew's relationship with his mom:

OOP: For about a year or so afterwards he would throw it in her face every time she tried to reprimand him. Much as I dislike her myself, eventually I sat down and pointed out she didn't actually know for certain he wasn't his father's until the dna test, she just strongly suspected.

I also pointed out that the more people he cuts off, the fewer people he has to fall back on when things get tough. Things are okayish between them, and okayish is probably as good as it's gonna get.

Update 1:

I decided to follow some of your advice and talk to him about what happened and set some boundaries with my brother, so I saw him in person to talk things over. I told him that my nephew has been in my life for more than half my life – I was 14 when he was born.

I’ve been his uncle for 19 years and fundamentally he’s not the one that betrayed my brother, and while I can’t imagine what must have been going through my brother’s head at the time, it's not my battle to fight and even if it were I’m not obligated to take it out on a kid who had nothing to do with it.

What he said was extremely shitty, yeah, but we’re talking about someone who was 14 at the time and absolutely did not have the emotional maturity to handle the situation. I told him my nephew was open to a mutual apology.

So, bottom line, my nephew is invited and he’s getting a plus one, and I will seat him away from my brother if he wishes but that’s the most I will do. They can talk or not talk, kiss and make up or ignore each other all night, but I’m not making it my fight.

My brother said he understood and would think about it… then a couple days later he drunk texted me a complete 180 and asked if I could invite ex-SIL, too, which I think is probably because his RSVP included his new girlfriend as his plus one and she’s 26(?) I just know my niece complained it was gross that her dad’s new girlfriend was a year closer to her age than his.

My brother at his best is charming, confident, looks-wise kind of like a chunkier version of me so not bad looking, and he had no trouble pulling women post-divorce once he got his confidence back and lost weight. I declined his drunk request, but his girlfriend is nice and I told my niece that GF is inside the half-plus-seven so she can’t be completely grossed-out.

Since some have asked about my nephew and ex-sil, I’ll explain: She didn’t know for sure that my nephew wasn’t my brother’s, but she strongly suspected and she was sleeping with both her AP and my brother at the time.

For about a year after the divorce my nephew would throw the deception back in her face every time she reprimanded him, until I sat him down and pointed out that the more people he pushes away the fewer people he has in his corner when things go south. Bottom line she is his mother.

After the debacle with my nephew my brother and ex-sil were more careful with my niece and the twins about not making adult problems their problems as well. Sorry there was no scarlet A like many of you would have liked. She’s not my favorite person but I can sort of tolerate her.

To answer the question about his biodad, my nephew has expressed zero desire to meet him. He says he doesn’t get why people think a perfect stranger could replace my brother like being abandoned out of the blue never happened.

My nephew RSVP’d yes and is taking his “theyfriend” (his SO is nonbinary and that’s what they’re calling themselves.)

So, finger crossed a happy ending.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: If I may ask, has your ex-SIL ever expressed any remorse or understanding for her son's anger with her?

Because she pretty much messed her eldest child's life (at least for a little while - it sounds like he's doing much better) and permanently damaged her own relationship with him by marring all his familial relationships (except yours).

Before we give you OP's 2nd update, let's take a look at some more responses:

09lyuwe writes:

NTA by a mile. You’re absolutely right to stand by your nephew and include him in your wedding. Your nephew is clearly an important part of your life, and you’ve stepped up to be there for him when his world fell apart.

He needs that stability and love now more than ever, especially after being rejected by the person he thought was his father for most of his life. Your support likely means the world to him, and excluding him from your wedding to placate your brother’s grudge would only add to the pain and rejection he’s already experienced.

Let’s break this down: Teenagers Say Stupid Things: Your nephew was a kid going through an incredibly traumatic experience. Finding out that the man you believed to be your father for your entire life isn’t actually your biological father would turn anyone’s world upside down.

Teenagers are known for saying things they don’t mean when they’re angry or scared. Your brother should recognize that and not hold a grudge over something said in a moment of heightened emotion and pain. Expecting adult-level maturity from a kid in that situation is unrealistic and unfair.

Your Brother’s Reaction: While it’s understandable that your brother was hurt by the revelation and the subsequent argument, his reaction is extreme. It’s been five years, and instead of finding a way to heal or move forward, he’s holding onto anger and resentment.

His refusal to even consider reconciliation, despite your nephew’s attempts to reach out, speaks more to his own issues than to anything your nephew did. The grudge isn’t just about what was said; it’s about unresolved pain and betrayal.

But that’s something your brother should work through, ideally in therapy, rather than taking it out on a young man who’s also hurting.

Family Dynamics: Your brother’s demand to exclude your nephew is trying to force you to choose sides. Weddings are about celebrating love and bringing people together, not about deepening family divides.

Your brother has no right to dictate who you consider family and who you want to share your special day with. By excluding your nephew, you’d be reinforcing your brother’s narrative that his grudge is more important than the relationships you’ve built and the love you have for your nephew.

Your Support Matters: By standing by your nephew, you’re showing him that he still has a place in the family, that he’s still loved, and that he’s not alone. This support could be pivotal in his healing process. It’s also important for him to see that not everyone is willing to cast him aside based on circumstances beyond his control.

Your brother’s refusal to move past his anger is his issue to deal with, not yours. You’re not responsible for managing his emotions or protecting him from his own unresolved feelings.

By inviting your nephew, you’re honoring the bond you have with him and making it clear that he matters to you. Your brother may need time to come to terms with that, but ultimately, his inability to let go shouldn’t dictate your choices or your wedding day.

Stick to your guns, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for choosing love, understanding, and support over petty grudges. You’re not being insensitive—you’re being compassionate and kind. And that makes you far from an asshole.

Update 2 (with more comments and responses from OP):

OOP: She was the gatekeeper for my nephew. That's basically all the interaction we had. I was there for him and not for her and her inner life doesn't interest me.

I advised my nephew to make some sort of peace with her because she's still his mother and because the more people he pushes away the fewer he has in his corner when things go south, because that seemed the best neutral advice I could give.

Commenter: You said that the nephew was open for a mutual apology. I seriously wondering, what do you think your brother needs to apologize for ?

Not wanting to raise a kid that is not biologically his, doesn't make him a wrong guy. It's completely valid and reasonable.

Also, if the adult's problems affect the children then those children have all the right to make it their own issue. Your nephew lost his only father figure because his mother couldn't be a decent person and keep her legs closed. His world completely turned upside down because of his mom. He has all the right to be mad at her. What you need to do is to stop advocating for his mom.

OOP: Full disclosure: It's not my argument anyway, tbh. My nephew believes he was wronged and is sticking to that position and will not unilaterally apologize.

Commenter: Yeah, this completely proves you’re a crappy brother you’re ignorant and arrogant to the whole situation he going through. Maybe if y’all would’ve given your brother some time like was requested.

Things wouldnt have gotten so bad but you and this kid are literally destroying any possibility of him wanting to stay involved. And honestly not just with the kids life but yours to..

OOP: My nephew was 14. The man he thought was his father said he didn't want him around and wasn't taking his calls, wasn't seeking custody of him, made it seem like he didn't want him. He freaked out.

He was also 14 - there was no way that he had the emotional maturity to deal with it well. So yeah, he went to try and force the issue and it went south, they both said some shitty things, what my nephew said was particularly shitty. I told him it was shitty.

Commenter: You have repeatedly shown him YOU DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR BROTHER! Your repeatedly telling him you pick them. If he wanted his kids to go, that’s up to him.

But you took that choice away and invited the person who betrayed him the most in his life and the direct repercussions of that betrayal to your wedding and said he doesn’t have to go but they will both be there. Your seriously oblivious. So what if he was in your life since you were 14. Your brother has been there from day 1.

OOP: I didn't take any choice away from him because he doesn't have a say in who I invite. He has say in whether he goes and that's it. If my nephew isn't his, it's not up to him. He's 19.

Whether his kids go is a shared decision between the him and his ex because I don't remember whose week it'll be. He is the one who (drunkenly) suggested inviting his ex so he could parade his 26 year old girlfriend in front of his almost-40 year old ex, which is a level of petty I approve of but I had to decline.

Commenter: But your constantly backing and encouraging the nephew. You need to explain how the nephew was the wrong one. Not keep pacifying everything.

OOP: They both have grievances with one another. It's not my job to force a mediation. I offer, I act as an intermediary, but the bottom line is they both hurt one another.