Man introduces 'beautiful' girlfriend as professional model, gets a dirty look; AITA?
It can be easy to forget that the chiseled, photoshopped beauties selling perfume on billboards are real people sometimes...
Just because you happen to be in a relationship with someone who has financial stability because of their god-or-plastic-surgeon-given bone structure doesn't mean that they also don't have other passions and ambitions. So, when a conflicted boyfriend decided to consult the moral compass of the internet about his girlfriend's career as a professional model, people were ready to weigh in.
AITA for Introducing my GF as a Model?
So I have been dating this Girl for awhile now. She's beautiful. She works as a professional model. Not like an Instagram wannabe but a real professional model with professional shoots and an agency and everything.
She also practices martial arts has a few black belts and works as an instructor in her school, gym, dojo whatever its called. She usually tells people she's a martial arts instructor and not a model.
For some reason she doesn't like to tell people she's a model even though thats where she makes most of her money. She only makes like 12 dollars an hour and works part time as a martial arts instructor.
So the other day I was introducing her to some people and she told them she was a martial arts instructor when they asked her what she did. I said 'That's not really how she makes her money though shes a model' and she shot me this dirty look.
Later she said I was an ahole for saying that that she doesn't like to tell people shes just met that shes a model and I had no right to correct her. That what she said is true, she does teach martial arts and she wasn't lying.
That her passion is teaching martial arts but it doesn't pay that well so she models to pay the bills but that's not what shes passionate about.
I dont see what the big deal is so AITA here for telling people what she really does for money?
Of course, the jury of internet strangers was eager to hop on this train. Here's what people had to say about this awkward situation:
Ervon said:
YTA She gets to decide what to tell people her profession is. You do realize that you only come across as bragging? 'F yeah, I'm slamming the model! Up high!' This is most likely the reason she does not want you to introduce her like that, on top of people probably thinking she's stupid.
totally_ej said:
YTA your gf has a preference for how she is known and you need to respect that. Your insistence on talking about her being a model smacks of you wanting to show her off - she is not a prize for you to present to people.
Hmmokisatwork said:
YTA. Introducing someone as a model implies that their attractiveness is potentially the most important thing about them. That might make them feel belittled or devalued in some way.
If she wants to introduce herself as a marshal arts instructor, which she is, then that is fine and you have no business interfering with that. It doesn't even matter that she's a model.
She isn't lying and that's what she wants people to know her as and that's her decision to make not yours.
queenofthera said:
YTA. It basically comes across like you're going: 'HEY SUCKERS, MY GIRLFRIEND'S A MODEL!' She probably doesn't like to feel like you're using her for bragging rights.
It's also likely that she sees herself as a martial arts instructor more than a model- the amount of money she makes from each doesn't alter how she perceives herself. Just let her introduce herself and keep quiet.
TTGAM said:
Definitely YTA. It was pretty clear she didn't want to say that's what she does for work. Why she didn't doesn't matter a tiny bit in this context, she clearly didn't want it out there and you went ahead and made that decision for her. Massive ashole.
Ugly_Quenelle said:
The way you talk about her modelling vs the way you talk about her martial arts is pretty sad. I can understand that she'd want to talk to other people about what she does at her 'gym, dojo whatever its called' seeing as YOU are so dismissive of it. YTA.
ebolazius said:
YTA. You know she doesn't like to introduce herself as a model and still did it. In my opinion there was no reason for you to tell them about her other job. For me it sounds more like you were bragging she's a model!
hummingbirbs said:
YTA. When people hear 'model' they think 'oh so her only redeeming quality is her looks and other than that she's empty.' She knows that. You don't.
It's far more impressive on the initial answer to hear that someone as beautiful as her can actually be physical and do something like martial arts. Tell people that she's more of a model and anything you mention afterward? Doesn't matter.
They'll think she sucks at it or that she made it just with her looks. Something absolutely ridiculous. Your girlfriend may be the most kickass person, but no one else knows that.
She wants to appeal as someone that is against the stereotype of being a model because she is. It helps people see her as a human, rather than meat. She deserves that.
Later, he edited the post to include:
**Edit just to clarify: she didnt tell me she preferred to not say she was a model specifically beforehand. I just noticed she never mentioned it but it was not something we talked about until after I did it.
Also I was genuinely proud of her for being a model and when I introduced her to my friends.
And yet again for even more details:
**Edit 2 Theres so many comments and I am trying to read them all. I do respect her. I do love her for more then her beauty.
She's a genuinely good and kind person, she loves kids (she teaches kids in her classes) animals, just a very big hearted and sweet woman. She's smart and fun and we share a lot of interests.
Honestly I am blown away with how pretty she is and I've never dated a woman who is as pretty as she is. So that part does excite me.
I genuinely thought the modelling was the more prestigious of her accomplishments because while you may think I am the ahole for this I do value how much money a field brings in.
When I chose my area in college I did choose between a few specialties because this one paid the most. I am going to talk to her about it and find out more about why she values the martial arts more and I am not going to judge based on how much money it makes. I'm going to respect whatever reasons she has.
I shot an apology text (we're both at workright now) and sent her flowers to her Dojo. She said we can talk after work and I offered to take her to her favorite restaurant.
Based on heaps of harsh feedback he added on final edit unpacking every chapter of this career saga...
**Final Edit: At this point I imagine no one is reading anymore I asked the mods if I should post this update and they said to edit it into the original post.
I was really bothered by the things people said. Not because I wanted to bury my head and refuse to accept them but because maybe there was some truth to it. I didn't want to be the guy everyone said I was. I really didn't.
First I want to make it clear that she never told me before not to refer to her as a model. Yes I knew she usually didn't lead with it but it was never something we had discussed before. We have been dating for around 3-4 months.
Next I want to say she was meeting some of my good friends. I was not trying to 'show her off' in that she was a trophy for me. I was trying to point out her accomplishments.
I thought it would make her look better for my friends to know she also made good money as a model. I can see where I was wrong. I did place more value on her career as a model because she made more money and I felt it was more glamorous.
I am an ahole for that. I did interject that she was a model and undermine the image she wanted to project of herself and I'm also the asshole for that too. I wont deny it.
But I DONT just see her as a trophy. I do see her as a complete and wonderful person and theres more on that later because I learned something really really important.
After this thread blew up like it did and I had hundreds and later thousands of responses saying what a d*k I was I knew I was dead wrong and had f'd up. I texted her with an apology and she said she was used to that bullsh*t.
I asked her if we could talk about it and I could try and make it up to her. She agreed. I told her I wanted to learn more about what she did as a martial arts teacher and asked her if I could sit in on some of her classes.
She said she would like that. I made it top priority. I left the office early to go and sit in and see what this was about.
What I saw really opened my eyes to be honest. I watched two classes and took part in the second one. The first one was her with a kids after school class. She was kind, patient, and just really great with the kids.
Someone said something to the effect that she couldn't be that successful if she only taught kids. Thats dead wrong. It must be much harder to teach kids and I think it makes her a much better teacher that shes able to reach and teach these kids.
I saw how she will be a great mother (and before you rip me a new one she DOES want to be a mom one day).
The second class was a womens self defense class. I took part in this one as 'the bad guy' and I was a practice dummy for her lessons on how to fend off assaults. I got manhandled by about 15 women.
We had a a few short sparring sessions in between her classes and she worked me. For those of you who wanted her to beat me up she got the chance to (although she didn't hurt me she could have if she wanted to)
I definitely saw the value beyond money in what she does. She taught 30 kids about discipline, confidence, courage, standing up to bullies, she taught 14 women how to defend themselves from an assault. Most importantly I saw the qualities beyond her appearance that I love most about her really shine.
I realized the things I love most about her; Her courage, her compassion, her strength, her assertiveness, her kindness, and patience, her wisdom, her discipline this is where it comes from. This is really the part of her I love.
It doesn't come from the modeling it comes from this. I also saw how much she loved what she was doing. I saw in her a light that shone in a way that never does when she talks about modeling. I'm honestly a little emotional about how wrong I was.
I told her this when I went out to dinner and we talked about what it means to her and why its important. She also filled me on the modeling thing. She doesn't like to lead with it for a number of reasons that most of you pointed out. First off its not as glamorous as I thought it was
She said many times she has to deal with negative stigmas as the result of saying shes a model
She works as a model because of a few accidents. She was born pretty and she ran into an agent as a teenager. That's all it took for her to be a model. It took her years of work and dedication to be where she is with martial arts.
She started as a little girl and pushed through it all throughout both her childhood and her teenage years which is pretty impressive when you consider how transient interests usually are for kids and teens.
She feels a greater sense of accomplishment and fulfillment doing this then having her pictures taken. She said being called a 'Model' defines her by her appearance defines her by WHAT she is and not WHO she is.
She doesn't want to be defined by the way she looks she wants to be defined by what she does. She doesn't feel that being a 'model' is who she is its just something she does to make money but it's not a core part of her identity.
She doesn't feel the modeling industry encourages a healthy body image for other women and feels guilty that she is the image that many other women look to and are expected to look like. That she often has to deal with jealousy from other women or that she can make other women feel insecure about themselves and she doesn't like that.
She doesn't want other women to feel bad about themselves because of her. She feels while its hypocritical of her to profit off of it she feels like it would be stupid to turn down the chance to make good money while she can.
She wants to use this opportunity while she is still young enough to earn up the money to open her dojo or buy the ones she works at now and do that full time when she ages out of modelling.
This is where I lit up and felt I had something to really offer her. I work in finance. Go ahead hate me but I DO like money. I like to have it, I like to make it, I like the freedom it affords and I like to watch it flow and grow. So I offered to help her come up with a financial plan to reach her goal of opening up her own dojo.
I thought it was a great opportunity for me to use what I know and love to help her do what she knows and loves. We both win. She agreed and next week we are going to meet to go through her finances and I will put together a plan to help her hit her goal.
Finally I asked her if it was ok to sign up for one of her classes and she lit up and said she would love that.
I know a lot of you are probably going to be disappointed she didn't dump me on the spot. I learned a lot today, a lot about her, a lot about myself. In the end this turned out to be something that helped me learn a lot more about who she is and why I love her.
So honestly thank you AITA yea you were mean, yea you were vitriolic, yea it hurt, but I needed it to show me how far up my own ass my head was. Is she the better person? Yes she is. Do I deserve her. No I dont, But I am going to do better. I really do love this woman, I wont ever do this again.