Women accuses men of becoming 'abusive' when they get 'financial power' over their wives, BF says 'I'm not like other guys.'

Man is offended by girlfriend accusing him of potentially being an abusive husband because of his financial power.

Exciting-Ad8253 says:

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years, living together for two. Recently, we've been discussing marriage and when it might happen. Both of us are software engineers, earning six-figure salaries, so money isn't much of an issue. We each own our own home, although we're currently living in mine and renting out hers. Lately, she's been feeling exhausted from work and often complains about it.

I mentioned to her once that once we have kids, she could be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). However, she adamantly refused, stating there's no way she would agree to that. I assumed she simply preferred to maintain her own career and left it at that.

However, one day she was talking to her friend, who is considering being a SAHM, and overheard her advising against it, saying, "Don't do it, he's going to be abusive, and then your life will be ruined. At least work part-time; you said your job will accommodate."

Later, I asked her if her friend's husband was abusive, and she said, "Not yet." Perplexed, I inquired further, and she explained that she believes if one person has financial power over another, they may no longer respect them and might even end up being abusive.

I was shocked by this revelation and asked if this was why she refused to consider being a SAHM. She confirmed, saying she fears men may lose respect for their partners and ultimately mistreat them.

She elaborated, saying many men fail to appreciate the work SAHMs do, and instead feel used for their money. This, she argued, leads to resentment and disrespect within the relationship. Despite my assurance that I understand the challenges of being a SAHM and would support her, she became angry, accusing me of paying lip service.

She insisted that many men only appreciate their wives' contributions until they become financially dependent, at which point they begin to exert control and make decisions without consulting their partners.

Frustrated, I argued against her generalized view of men, insisting that not all men are like that and many are perfectly willing to support their partners as SAHMs.

However, she dismissed my perspective, maintaining that her distrust was based on the experiences of many women she knows who've had their lives ruined after leaving successful careers to stay at home, only to face disrespect and infidelity from their husbands when they return to work later on.

Our discussion turned heated, with her accusing me of paying lip service and refusing to engage further. It's clear that her deep-seated trust issues are influencing her perspective, but I'm left feeling frustrated and unsure of how to address them.

Here are the top comments from the post:

SlimSagex says:

It seems to me that there's a deeper issue at play here—a fundamental disconnect in how both of you perceive financial dependency and power dynamics within a relationship. I would suggest initiating a conversation about mutual support and shared roles that transcend traditional gender expectations.

Perhaps you could explore the idea of taking turns as the primary caregiver if the need arises, or even establishing a system where both of you contribute to a joint emergency fund, ensuring financial parity and independence regardless of individual earnings. It's crucial that both parties feel financially and emotionally secure and valued in the relationship.

Chispa100 says:

NAH (No A@%^ole Here). My husband and I are both software engineers, each earning six figures. Unfortunately, I was laid off halfway through my pregnancy, and despite efforts, I'm still seeking employment after having the baby. It's a challenging situation, and I wouldn't wish it on any woman.

I share the same fears because I've seen it happen to women in my family, including my grandmother and mother. It's not exclusive to women; it can happen to men or any stay-at-home parent.

Currently, I'm coping by attending therapy, and my husband and I have already discussed a plan in case one of us loses our job. While he consistently demonstrates trustworthiness, ultimately, it's my responsibility to trust him.

Both of you could benefit from therapy. I suggest devising a plan, such as a prenuptial agreement, to address these concerns should one of you become a stay-at-home parent.I don't believe either of you is being unreasonable. There's contradictory messaging, like when a podcaster suggests getting a traditional wife but also labels her a gold digger.

It's crucial to address her concerns, create a plan, and envision how it would work. I believe her fear is more about feeling stuck and helpless than it is about you personally. Trust and risk are complex aspects of relationships that require ongoing effort. However, some of life's greatest rewards involve taking risks.

Additionally, consider opening traditional and Roth IRA accounts, or a joint investment account. If one of you becomes a stay-at-home parent, you could contribute to these investments similarly to how a job contributes. Consult a financial advisor for details before making any decisions.

dennydiamonds says:

Do you realize how scary it would be for someone to become a SAHM with someone they aren’t married to? Imagine will also say that her view on relationships is slightly f%@#ed.

justmeandmycoop says:

I understand exactly what she’s saying. Single mothers live in poverty very often. Staying home means she feels that she could be forced to stay with you if she has no money of her own. It’s a real fear, not necessarily would you do that but it happens often. I agree with her. No woman should be financially dependent on a man.

What do you think? Is OP right to be upset about his girlfriend's suggestion?