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Man laughs in SIL's face when she insists on DNA testing his daughter. AITA? UPDATED 2X

Man laughs in SIL's face when she insists on DNA testing his daughter. AITA? UPDATED 2X

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When this man is faced with a major accusation from his SIL, he asks the internet:

"AITAH for laughing in my SIL’s face when she DNA tested my daughter?"

I, 30 M, have a daughter who's 6. I am not biologically related to her at all. There is no blood relation between us.

I was friends with her mother for most all of my childhood. We were never involved romantically and were always just friends. She had her daughter at 23 with her 25 year old husband.

When my daughter was a newborn (About 3 months technically) both her mother and father were kd. I won't go into too much detail for privacy reasons, but it was workplace sh&ting. My friend and her husband had worked in the same building, and were both kd.

Both my friend and her husband had grown up with less than ideal families and didn't have any siblings so there wasn't any "next of kin" for their daughter to go to. However, because I was close with them I was able to adopt her.

Even though I had been iffy about the idea of kids I didn't want their daughter to grow up in foster care or around people who didn't have a connection to her bio parents so I stepped in.

My parents and siblings know that my daughter is not my actual daughter biologically speaking. My daughter, I'll call Lily for the post, also knows that she's adopted. I never really hid the fact that she was adopted, she knows her parents are dead and were kd by a "bad man" but I'm saving the details for when she's older.

Lily does not look like me at all. She looks exactly like her mother and biological dad. Most people assume that I'm her bio dad and that she just took after her mom. I don't ever really correct this when and if people assume this because it just seems unnecessary.

My brother has been with his fiancee for about 2 years now. A few weeks ago we were all meeting up at my parents house and my SIL saw an old picture of me, my friend and her husband.

She pointed to my friend and asked who she was, and I explained that was Lily's mother. SIL got quiet and stood in front of the picture for a while. I didn't think much of it.

To clarify, she knows my friend died, but I guess didn't know that she had been married, or that Lily is not my bio daughter. I suppose she assumed my daughter was mine and my friend's biological daughter.

My SIL got a DNA test done on my daughter behind my back. She used my brother's DNA for the test, and when it came back that they weren't related, she knew that meant me and Lily weren't related.

She came up to me with the results and waved them in my face, saying that I was taking care of a dead woman's affair baby. She said this to me in front of my daughter. I just stared at her for a while before bursting out laughing at this.

I told her I knew Lily wasn't my biological daughter, and that this thing called adoption exists. Her face went red and she stormed off. My brother is mad I embarrassed his fiancee, but I said she embarrassed herself by DNA testing a kid that isn't hers and then parading the results up to me.

What did she want me to do? What was her goal with this? Did she want me to break down and abandon my daughter? My brother said she thought she was doing the right thing and called me an asshole.

I don't feel like the asshole, especially considering my SIL was the one who stuck her nose where it doesn't belong. I'm asking for reddit opinions (mostly just for validation), so was I the asshole?

Before we give you OP's major updates, take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

Did the brother’s fiancée assume OOP was married to the deceased friend?OOP: I can see how she assumed that we were together. In the picture I had my arm around her shoulders. This was before my friend was married to her husband. At the time that picture was taken they were just friends.

Commenter: I think you're a hero. I'm proud of you. If anything ever happens to me, I know my daughter will be so loved and cared for and raised in a loving household. I hope somehow your friend and Lily's daddy are resting peacefully knowing she's got a papa that loves her.

OOP: I appreciate that, a lot. I'm doing my best to raise Lily with the values and beliefs her mother and bio dad had and wanted to raise her with, even if some of them differ a bit from my own

Does OOP know what kind of DNA test SIL took for his daughter?

OOP: I believe they were doing one of those home DNA kits, though I don't know what company they did it through

Commenter: NTA - she wanted to stir some s up, that’s a hell of a lot of effort to “help”. Also I’d be pissed about how she got Lilys DNA to do this? It didn’t go the way she thought it would so she got mad, your brother is just trying to side with his soon to be wife

aghs36 writes:

NTA. This incident should open your brother’s eyes and break it off with her. Instead he is siding with her. Your future SIL created a very unnecessary situation.

Even if you were married to Lily’s mother she had no business running the DNA test. A sane person would not go to that extent, especially not without a reason. She judged wanted to create drama and play hero.

rara writes:

NTA! OP I really hope you're going to speak to a lawyer, and the police. She stole your daughter's DNA, that's assault, did your brother willingly give up his DNA, if not, that's also assault.

There are privacy violations and medical violations. At the very least there's a civil suit here. She is a vile human being and shouldn't be allowed around other people.

Also, who tested the DNA? Which hospital? Which lab? Which company? Because you probably have a lawsuit against them too, they tested the DNA of random people, that was stolen!

And now, OP's update:

TLDR/Spoiler: My brother thought I had been having an affair with Lily's mom and thought I was Lily's bio dad. He tricked SIL into believing that I was in a relationship with Lily's mom and was Lily's bio dad.

SIL then saw the picture of Lily's mom and her husband, and assumed Lily was an affair child between the two of them and was being led on to believe that I was Lily's bio dad.

My SIL ended up coming to my house and apologizing, as well as telling me the full story. My brother put her up to the DNA test.

When I first adopted Lily, my brother for some reason believed that Lily was my bio daughter. He thought that me and Lily's mom were together and just weren't telling anyone.

He believes that when she got pregnant, Lily's mom told me that Lily was mine and that she was going to just say that it was her husband's and I went along with it because I didn't really want kids.

SIL was under the impression I believed I was Lily's bio dad. She saw the picture of Lily's mom and I, and after asking for clarification on who she was, assumed we were together in it, and then got suspicious when she saw that the other guy in the picture (Lily's actual bio dad) looked a lot like Lily.

I also want to clarify, I didn't tell her that Lily's bio dad was in the picture because she had specifically pointed to Lily's mom, and I assumed she knew that Lily was adopted. I didn't know my brother had been telling her lied for nearly 2 years.

She got the DNA test out of her own suspicions, and my brother helped her with it because he thought it would reveal that I was actually Lily's bio dad.

He manipulated her into thinking that it would clear the air of suspicion, when really he was just trying to prove that I was really Lily's bio dad and lying about the reasons for adoption.

Well, of course the results proved I wasn't Lily's bio dad and that my brother was wrong. My brother felt too embarrassed to confess to his fiancee that he had lied about the circumstances, which is why SIL confronted me with the results.

My SIL also apologized for showing me the results in front my daughter. She told me that her mom had an affair and cheated on her father, got pregnant with another man's kid, and had let her father believe the kid was his.

Her father was devastated by this when he found out, and she grew very resentful of women who do that to their spouses.

She had wanted to sit me down and talk to me about it without my daughter, but when she saw me with my daughter she got angry thinking I was being led on to believe I was raising my daughter when I was actually raising another man's kid, and she ended up exploding and immediately waved the results in my face.

My SIL does feel very guilty, and she's angry at my brother for lying to her. I'm not angry at her for doing the test, because she thought she was doing the right thing.

I also forgave her for the way she told me about the results, because clearly affairs are a sensitive subject for her and I can understand why she would have exploded like that. I'm pretty sure she plans to breakup with my brother now, and I don't blame her.

When I called and asked my brother about this, he admitted it. When I asked why he would think this he said that he couldn't think of a reason why a man who had been against having kids at the time would willingly adopt a baby without having a blood connection to it.

He told SIL that I was Lily's bio dad and was aware of the fact. He took it a step further, and said that me and Lily's mom were together at the time of Lily's conception.

Both me and my parents are going low contact with my brother for a while now. I know I will forgive my brother eventually, but I can't do that right now.

He believed I was low enough to have an affair with a married woman, get her pregnant, take no responsibility, allow her to pass off the kid as another man's, and then only take responsibility because her mom died.

Update 2 (with comments and more responses from OP):

OOP on how Lily is handling all of those. Is she mad at her uncle and his fiancée?

OOP: She was confused and I had to explain to her what SIL had said in terms she would understand. She was angry SIL would think that low of her mom, and I had to explain that she had been lied to and didn't think that anymore. She's not mad at SIL anymore but doesn't want to ever talk to her uncle again

OOP on fatherhood since adopting Lily

OOP: Lol, yes I can admit that I'm definitely a lot softer since becoming a father. Adopting my daughter made me have to finally be mature, something I wasn't in my 20s when I adopted her.

Commenter: BOTH your brother and SIL are getting off too lightly. He butted into your family and lied to his wife. And, sensitive issue or not, she still violated your daughter's privacy then called her an affair child derisively in front of her.

Commenter: "When I asked why he would think this he said that he couldn't think of a reason why a man who had been against having kids at the time would willingly adopt a baby without having a blood connection to it."

Your brother really showing his whole ass here. Your brother was both a terrible sibling and partner. He riled up his fiance based on her trauma in order to enlist her to help in deceiving you! Awful.

OOP: I really want to stress this point, took the words right out my mouth. I'm not mad at my SIL because I know she was manipulated into doing this by my brother. I wish more people could understand that

Sources: Reddit
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