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Man points out 'ridiculous' fiancée's behavior in life-or-death scenario; AITA?

Man points out 'ridiculous' fiancée's behavior in life-or-death scenario; AITA?


Is it fair to judge your partner for how they react to a scary situation at sea? What happens if the only injuries were to a six-pack of watermelon spized selzters?

So, when a conflicted soon-to-be-husband decided to consult the moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's 'Am I the As*hole' about whether or not he was wrong to be honest with his future wife about her 'Panic! On the boat' behavior, people were ready to help.

AITA for telling my (28) fiancée (29) that I could not rely on her in a life or death situation...

I have what I think is a very good sense of situational awareness. I’m a quick thinker and I tend to not panic in dangerous situations. My fiancée on the other hand is the exact opposite.

If I’m being nice I would say she doesn't have any awareness of danger. If I’m being honest I would say that she has the survival instinct of panda raised in captivity.

She had no sense of danger around her, doesn’t constantly examine her surroundings for things that could be dangerous, and when things are bad, her reaction is to panic and scream.

Friday we went out on a friend of mine’s boat and we got into a dangerous situation. We were anticipating light rain, but we ended up with a downpour high winds and high waves. While me and the other men there were trying to strap things down and keep the boat from capsizing.

My fiancée screamed and cried for dear life. She was in hysterics. And I get it was a scary situation but her yelling and screaming that “we’re all gonna die” and for god to save us and literally crying saying that it’s my fault that she’s on the boat since I asked her to come with.

None of the other girlfriends or wives were doing this, just her. I’m sure the other women there were just as scared but tried to keep It in for the sake of the men doing something about it.

The downpour was really bad for about 15 minutes. So 15 minutes of wailing while we are doing everything we can to keep things alright. We made it back safe with little more damage than a few spilled white claws.

On the car ride home I told my fiancée that we needed to talk about how she was behaving during the crisis. Not only was it incredibly embarrassing in front of my boys, but it was distracting, unhelpful, and telling.

I told her that, today proved to me that if I was in a life or death situation, I could not rely on her to be any help or do anything except make things more stressful. I said she needed to learn how to not panic and be helpful.

She got unbelievably mad. She said she thought she was going to die and had reason to freak out. I told her that all of us were scared but none of us were as ridiculous as she was. We argued the entire ride home and she is still pissed off at me.

I think I was right to say this, especially since we plan on spending our lives together and raising a family and I can’t be the only levelheaded one. AITA?

Later, he edited the post to include:

The women there did not help because they did not know how to help. The men there have been out together on the boat countless times before so we all are experienced and know exactly what to do.

It’s so much more unsafe for them to be in our way attempting to help if they don’t really know what they’re doing. It’s safer for everyone if they just hang on and keep calm until the issue is resolved.

This has NOTHING to do with them being women. It has everything to do with them not knowing what to do. If another guy had been then and didn’t know what to do, I’d tell him to sit tight and let those of us that do know handle it.

Of course, the jury of internet strangers was eager to weigh in on the treacherous waters of this future marriage. Here's what people had to say:

GeorgeLikesTheBanana said:

NTA - She can feel and react however she pleases, but that doesn't change the facts. So you're correct. She was unhelpful and only made an already scary situation even more stressful.

It's indeed a very useful skill to have, to be able to think somewhat straight in a crisis situation. Or at the very least have the sense to not make it worse for those who are trying to help.

Squidy_The_Druid said:

Screaming “it’s your fault I’m about to die” is enough for me to end the relationship. It’s our final moments and you choose to blame and attack? That’s not who I want dying next to me.

gte105u said:

Not sure you handled the delivery well, but it's a fair concern. If you have children, she cannot freak out every time she is scared. Unfortunately she probably learned this from her parents, and well would pass it on.

NTA, though the delivery sounds flawed. Would work on that, there is probably an apology needed there. You may need counseling on this, but ultimately it probably will never change. You just need to decide if it impacts your long term plans.

ASBF2015 said:

ESH. Maybe a little harsh, but true. Her reasoning of “I thought I was going to die” really only helps your point. Does she not understand that any life or death situation is going to feel like that?

Although, you should probably be more concerned with your hysterical fiancée thinking she’s about to die, instead of what your friends are going to think.

alv269 said:

NTA. You're absolutely correct that her behavior was unhelpful, and actually resulted in a more dangerous situation because of her distractions. I don't know if I could be with someone who has so little awareness.

Maybe therapy can help, but being a person that enjoys outdoor activities that involve risks, not sure I would stick that out.

SevereSwim7756 said:

NTA. That behavior is absolutely ridiculous. How does it help her to behave that way? and it is definitely distracting for those trying to mitigate the situation. This is the one and only instance where dealing someone acting like that a bracing smack across the face is justified.

And don’t tell me she couldn’t control herself because I don’t buy that for an instant. A five year old can be quiet - and often will be from instinct alone- in a dangerous situation. How does she explain the behavior of the other people there who also thought they might die?

So, there you have it...

Everyone agreed unanimously here that this man wasn't wrong to tell the truth about his fiancée's behavior as this will most certainly come up again in the future. Life is full of danger and panic only escalates when children are involved. Light a candle for this couple at theme parks, on road trips, and during turbulance on planes.

Sources: Reddit
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