Man leaves family vacation early after MIL 'completely ruins his trip.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this man is upset with his MIL, he asks the internet:

"AITA for going home early on a family vacation after my mother in law constantly invaded my privacy?"

I, 38M, am the solo breadwinner of this house. I have a wife 35F and a daughter 5F. Me and my wife has been planning this family vacation to Venice for months. For context, my daughter is very little and she needs constant attention or she will get into trouble.

Venice has always been my wife's idea of a romantic city, so it's been her dream to go there. However, we can't just leave our daughter at home. We initially wanted to leave her at my MIL's house, but she wanted to come with us and my MIL said that it was her dream to visit too. My wife was very supportive of this idea, but I was more reluctant. My wife planned everything, booking the hotels and the restaurants.

However, to my dismay, she booked 1 rooms of 2 queens instead of two rooms with two kings. I planned for this to be a romantic getaway, and did not want my daughter in the room with us. We could easily afford two rooms, but my wife wanted to keep an eye on her as well.

To make matters worse, my MIL was constantly in my space. She also had to share all of my wife's expensive products (facewash, shampoo, lotion, etc).

My daughter likes to sit on our bed when me and my wife are gone to the city, and I come back to see that MIL was sitting on our bed too. It is very unhygienic to me and I don't like that she was sitting on the bed that me and my wife share, as I am a very private person.

She also rummaged through our suitcase looking for a hair tie, and it really irked me that she did so without asking me. I don't like the thought of her looking through our stuff when we're gone, so I locked it.

The final straw was when I woke up in the morning, I saw that MIL has yet again, forgotten something. For the last few days, she's been sharing the same toothpaste as me and my wife! I don't like the thought of her putting her tooth brush close to (or even on) the toothpaste nozzle and I was ill the more I thought about it.

I asked MIL if the only reason she came was to freeload off of me and my wife, as she didn't pay for any of the expenses (hotel, amenities, food), only her own plane tickets. I said that I've asked her politely several times to stop using my wife's stuff, especially because I share it with her and it's very inappropriate.

My MIL was very upset and told my wife, and my wife screamed at me. I was very angry that the trip that I paid with MY OWN MONEY was now ruined, and I changed the date of my plane ticket and went straight home.

My wife has called me several times afterwards, screaming at me and saying that our daughter is upset. I feel bad that our daughter was caught in the situation, but it was really not acceptable what my MIL did and I had to set some boundaries before it gets worse.

My wife has her own card and enough money to stay there. I'm not sure about her plans about staying or not. I've been ignoring her calls to take sometime for my own mental health.

Edit: Thank you to everyone that responded. I'm reading through each response carefully and I have realized my mistakes. I'm taking tonight to write a sincere apology and I will be calling my wife first thing in the morning tomorrow. Thank you again. I love her more than anything and I want to make amends.

FINAL UPDATE: I just called my wife to deliver my sincere apology. I am writing this with a heavy heart. She has blocked my number, and my MIL informed me that she will be looking into divorce proceedings. I have never thought about this happening, and I am at a loss of what to do.

I have failed our family, as a husband and as a father. I am not angry at my wife for this decision, but I still cling to the hope that I can turn this around. I am about to lose the love of my life, over a stupid mistake that I made. I was not rational when I stormed off.

She did not deserve any of my attitude. I am praying at this moment that after sometime off and after I change myself for the better, she will reconsider this divorce. I am going to contact a therapist and marriage counselling after posting this. I feel myself spiraling and I don't want to think how I ruined my life in the span of these 48 hours.

Again, thank you to everyone that responded. I will be logging off for a while and work through my thoughts. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do next. All I know is that I have lost the love of my life, and I have no way to contact her. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. My world has just come crashing down. I'm sorry Maria.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Relevant Comments

[Deleted Commenter]: YTA and NTA

First off, definitely YTA for just leaving like that. You are a grown man, that is married and has a kid. Talk things through, don't just leave because you are upset.

Now, you are justified in feeling that way. It seems like you and your wife should have talked about your MIL joining you on this vacation. And also if it bothers you that much that you had to share a room, maybe next time be a little bit more involved in the planning of it so you aren't the one that is unhappy with how it was arranged.

OOP: Thank you. I appreciate your answer, and I acknowledge that I was wrong for storming off like that. I definitely could've handled it better, especially with my wife. I do still believe that my MIL was intruding on our privacy, though I should've made it clearer in the beginning.

WagRE: Wow. Your wife books the wrong hotel room so your solution is to abandon her on her dream vacation, forcing her to care for your high-maintenance kindergartener on her own? Couldn’t you have booked a separate room for your MIL instead of abandoning your wife and child? YTA.

OOP: Thank you for your response. I definitely could've handled it better, but my temper got better of me in the moment.

On second thought, I could've booked another hotel room but my judgement was clouded and didn't think of that nor wanted to voice my concerns in the moment. It would've saved a lot of the hassle. I'm taking sometime for my mental health and I will be making amends with my wife, as I love her very much.

WagRE: I hope your wife accepts your amends. You might also be interested in learning about attachment styles and how that affects your relationships. You described a lot of avoidant behaviors. Personally, if a partner did that to me, I’d be seriously evaluating the relationship itself.

OOP: Thank you. I'll be looking up what avoidant behaviors are, because I don't want to do anything to hurt my wife's feelings, though I realized that I have done so. Do you think a sincere apology will work, or should I seek therapy for anger management? It wounds me deeply that I have hurt my wife's feelings, and I never want that to happen again.

sheramom4: YTA. Your complaints are that MIL was using your WIFE's products *not your products, sharing toothpaste and sitting on a hotel bed (which more than you and your wife have used), all while she babysat for you so that you could have a romantic trip? Oh and MIL had to pay for her own plane tickets for the privilege.

So in the end, you are talking about a few dollars worth of product, a few cents of toothpaste, some meals and 1/5 of a hotel room, but she was "using" you.

And now you are ignoring your family after skipping the rest of the trip. I wouldn't expect to be married for much longer.

OOP: Thank you for your response. It might've been how I was taught growing up, but I have deep respect for personal space and MIL didn't ask me before going through our suitcase.

It made me very uncomfortable at the thought of her going through my clothes (and potentially seeing my socks and underwear). However, I could've communicated it better or booked another room when we got there, as another user commented.

I do love my wife very much and I hope to make amends with her. I think miscommunication was at the root of the problem, as I was seeing the trip more as romantic and she saw it more as a family trip. I will take sometime for my mental health and to organize my thoughts, then I will apologize to my wife.

sheramom4: What about your wife's mental health? You are ignoring her calls and left her in Europe with her mom and your mutual child.

I will tell you as a wife and mother, this would be a dealbreaker for me. As soon as the calls were being ignored that would be it. You seem to enjoy playing games.

OOP: Thank you for your perspective on things. I admit wasn't taking the calls because I was afraid of her reaction, as I realize that I was in the wrong.

My mental health recently has been very bad with the threat of being laid off, as I mentioned we all rely on my income, and all the stress turned into a breaking point on this trip, which I am wrong for.

It was selfish of me to not take her calls, but I have a history of anxiety and didn't want to spiral before I have thought through what I was going to say/apologize for. I'm going to write her a sincere apology and call her back in the morning, and I plan on having a honest talk with her regarding boundaries and such with my MIL.

finsta writes:

Everyone has the right to determine what they are or are not comfortable with. OP is not wrong because he doesn’t like sharing his toothpaste or sleeping space. He has the right to feel that way and he shouldn’t be shamed for it. Additionally, his desire to not share his belongings does not create an undue burden on his MIL.

Many people travel with their own toiletries and it’s okay for him to request she do the same (although, he does not get a say on what personal items his wife wants to share with her mother). It’s not the boundaries that make OP TA; it’s his failure to respectfully communicate his needs along the way that created the problem.

OP, you could have stopped this situation from occurring at a number of points. When you realized the set up of the hotel room accommodations, you could have taken it upon yourself to book a separate room for your MIL after sharing with your wife your desire to make it a romantic trip (and hearing her feelings on that idea).

You could have explained to your MIL that you are uncomfortable sharing your toiletries, noticed she had forgotten some, and handed her a bag containing the missing items (or asked her if she wouldn’t mind purchasing her own).

I could go point-by-point, but you get the picture. Throwing a fit and leaving after you failed to communicate your needs was the coup de grâce.

It’s okay to have boundaries that don’t make sense to anyone else. It’s okay to understand that any boundary that creates an undue burden on another person may not be able to be fully, or even partially, honored.

It’s okay to expect those that do not create an undue burden to be respected no matter how much the other person finds it odd. What’s not okay is to fail to communicate your needs and then place the blame for that failure on someone else.

You owe your wife a sincere apology for leaving and not lovingly and proactively communicating your expectations and needs to her. You owe your MIL an apology for not communicating your needs in a respectful way. What you don’t owe either of them is an apology for having different boundaries than their own.

skiwgao writes:

Holy Moses if this is real I can tell you what's going down in Venice. Your wife is clinging to her mother in tears and trying to work out what the hell is wrong with you. Her mother is putting everything in place for her daughter and grandchild so they won't have to face going back to you when they land unless your wife decides to.

There are Google searches on what maintenance and child support is necessary even if it's not going to be used because everything is raw and emotional and it will take time to work through that to decide what your wife thinks is best for the little one and her.

Your child is completely confused and upset and only knows daddy is gone and mummy is crying and your wife is trying to hide the fact her heart is shattered into a gazillion pieces from the little one.

Your little one is worried she did something wrong to drive daddy away because kids think like that. "I was naughty and I heard mummy and daddy shouting and if I wasn't naughty they wouldn't...

If your wife does come back to you and accepts your apology this is going to leave a massive scar that nothing can heal not even time the scar is going to be permanent. I hope you can accept that that no matter what the future brings there is always going to be a wound.

It is going to take a massive amount of work on your part to restore the trust and even then nothing is going back to normal. You will have to live with and work through the new normal what ever that looks like.

You could have done so much before rage quitting but it's not going to fix what you did.

Your mother in law will never trust you as far as she can throw you and is going to be icy polite for her daughter and grandchild's sakes but she will never want to see you unless there is no other choice. At least you told you your family are home and safe but really you screwed up big time

Update 2:

Hi, I screwed up big time. I'm not sure if this is allowed here, but I want to do anything I can to make amends. I screwed up by getting into an argument with my wife over something that I could've communicated better, and I want to write this in my apology.

From her perspective, it might seem like I blew up out of no where. However, I've been very stressed lately with the threat of being laid off and all of that exploded at the wrong moment during our argument and I pushed all of my negativity on to her, which I regret very much. I am not a great writer, so I seek help. I want to make this as sincere as I can.

I don't seek to make any excuses for myself; I messed up and I'm going to own it like a man. However, I want to explain and make things right, so we can communicate clearly and not have anything like this happen again.

I'm not sure what format I can write this in to be the most clear and sincere I can be. Thank you to everyone in advance!

Comments

Dazzling-Square-3731: You left your wife and child in another country. There is no explaining or making it right. You ABANDONED your family in a fit of rage.

Honestly, think about the steps you took, changing flights (which cost extra money)), going to the airport, going through security and customs, waiting for the plane, boarding, the flight time (13-16 hours), landing/de-boarding, grabbing luggage, going through customs again, and finally driving home.

At any point, before boarding, you could have turned around and had a mature conversation with your wife; like an adult. You instead acted like a child and are now blaming stress. Stress does not make you abandon your family in a foreign country. If the fear of being laid off is so great, why go on vacation to Italy?

Tell Reddit honestly, if your wife did the same to you, left you and your daughter in a foreign country, over something so small, would you forgive her? What could you possibly say that would make what you did right? If you want any chance, do not write an apology letter, say it. Then ask her what does she need from you to feel safe and loved again; then do it.

scrolls77: My man you abandoned your family in a different fucking country. First, you we went to AITA more than likely thinking about how you were 100 percent right and how shitty ypur wife and MIL were.

Then when you got dragged come here and ask for help apologizing to a wife YOU abandoned in Italy with your kindergarten aged child. Honestly, man, I can't wait to see the "She's divorcing me" update because that's exactly what you fuckin deserve. STRESS is no excuse when you ditch your own family in a different country!