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Man leaves wife after he finds her 'husband formula;' 'SHE'S A SOCIOPATH!' AITA? 3 MAJOR UPDATES.

Man leaves wife after he finds her 'husband formula;' 'SHE'S A SOCIOPATH!' AITA? 3 MAJOR UPDATES.


When this man is determined to leave his wife, he asks Reddit:

He also provides details about her reaction to the divorce, and the devastating aftermath.

"I can’t take this anymore. I’m leaving my wife. AITA?"

I’m posting this so the people who care can have a little resolution as to my situation. I will probably be deleting this reddit account shortly after posting.

My wife (30F) and I (26M) have been married for a year now, and I can’t handle her crazy any more. We lost a baby back in January, and that triggered her having a complete mental breakdown.

She got diagnosed as bipolar a few months back, and when she was taking her medication everything seemed like it was back to normal. She hasn’t taken the medication or been to therapy in a very long time, and everything has gotten worse. I am genuinely afraid for my life and her life way more often than I should be.

She refuses violently to take her medication or to anything to get treatment. She will yell and scream and chew me out for an hour straight and then try to cuddle up to me or get sexual like nothing happened.

Her mood swings are getting extreme. She’s unpredictable at best but I have to walk on egg shells just to avoid getting hit on the back or the shoulder. I have bruises now.

The worst of it was only last night, when we were in bed and I didn’t want to cuddle in the position she wanted to. She sat up, straddled me and hit my chest, neck and face.

She full on quit her job. I now have the only income stream in our family. We barely have enough money to live and we can’t afford to do very much extra. She barely leaves the house without me, and just stays home and naps or watches TV or porn all day while I’m at work.

She manipulates me into having sex (yes, it is very much manipulation now) for hours after I get home, and guilt trips me when I want to go see my friends or go to the gym or church.

I am not taking summer college courses, so I have a little more free time than I did in the spring, and she has made sure that I spend every single minute of it with her. I feel less like her partner and more like her slave a lot of the time.

She obsesses over me to a ridiculous degree. I found an apple airtag in my car, and in my work backpack.

She’s controlling, she’s manipulative, calculating and really cruel. Almost every single thing she does is like fg scientifically designed to either get something from me or to punish me for not being enough.

I found a chart in some notes on her phone of ways that have worked to get me to do things for her, like sex or household chores or to get me to buy her a gift or take her out. She has a fg extensive list of my daily schedule and activities. Husband formulas. She's a sosciopath! It's insane.

Like if she wants sex or to watch a particular movie, or to go out to eat, or get me to buy her jewelry or perfume or clothes or shoes, she has this system of ways of asking me and coercing me into do it, with rewards and punishments to get me to mentally associate doing things or not doing things. It’s like training a dog except I’m her fg HUSBAND.

I feel like every day it gets worse. I’m living in a nightmare. I can hardly look at her any more. It’s been three days since I found the list/formula. I printed it out and I’m taking it with me.

She makes me sick. I’m going to leave the airtag in my work locker and visit a divorce attorney today. I already have the appointment. I’m going to call her parents and tell them everything too before I tell her.

My big issue is I don’t know how she’s going to react when she gets the news.

I’m thinking I might maybe get my documents and valuable stuff out of the apartment when I get home and pretend I’m taking them to a storage unit, and then call her from a hotel. I’m also going to have the cops on standby if she even makes any indication that she’s going to hurt herself.

But yeah, I’m done. I can’t do this any more. Maybe I’m weak, or not tough, or an asshole for not sticking with her, but I can’t keep living like this. AITA? Any advice?

Before the divorce is finalized, OP's provides this harrowing update about breaking the news to his wife:

My (26M) wife (30F) (soon to be ex-wife hopefully) tried hurting herself when I called and told her that I’m filing for divorce.

She’s back in a 72 hour hold. I have ample documentation of the shit she put me through and I’m getting a restraining order as well. I’m staying with a friend while I move all of my stuff to a storage unit. I have all my documents, and I’ve separated our bank accounts, and changed my passwords to everything.

The police and several mental health and DV groups are up to speed on my situation also.

I also learned that our sex tapes have been posted on several different websites, for weeks, but since I don’t have access to her passwords to these sites, I can’t remove them myself. I’ve had my lawyer reach out to the companies about getting them taken down though. Hopefully that happens soon. They’ve already gotten way too many views though.

Her parents are taking it better than I was expecting also. Her dad gets it, and when shown the mountain of evidence, even her mom agrees that she and I shouldn’t be married anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever see them again after all this is over and done with, shich is kind of sad, but it is what it is.

I’m personally a little worried that she might start stalking me when she gets out, and that the restraining order won’t mean very much to her.

I’m kind of contemplating moving from the state, which would make school and finishing my degree pretty much impossible. I could maybe see about transferring, but to be honest it’s more than I’m capable of dealing with mentally right now.

Before we give you OP's major updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

drkeyswizz writes:

I recommend contacting a lawyer before you do anything. Rules vary between states, countries, etc. Do not mention anything to your wife or anyone who could tell your wife until you have yourself situated.

While she is unable to control her emotions and behavior, you have to consider her a threat and that she could inflict violence up to, and including, death.

Be extremely fair to her regarding resources as she is suffering from a disorder and is very sick. You don’t have to decide on a permanent change to your relationship,

but you do have to determine what you will and will not accept regarding her behavior to remain in the marriage.

The key at the moment is your safety and hopefully you taking care of yourself will be the wake-up call for her to accept help. When you tell her that you are leaving, consider doing so in a public place or with other family present. I wish you all the best.

tamedad writes:

Hey OP please be safe. Just know you can have a police chaperone as you move your things out and if she does act out she will get arrested. And to be honest, that’s the best thing that can happen to her. She needs to hit rock bottom in order to get her priorities straight.

You can’t help her anymore. Discovering that list was the key to opening the truth in your relationship. She doesn’t value you as a partner anymore, you’re an asset to her now.

That’s why you must remind yourself you’re not a bad partner giving up on her. You’re a defeated partner who was used to one’s own selfish needs. I hope you seek and find happiness. I do recommend therapy to help overcome this battle. Good luck.

denverobserver writes:

Man, so much of what you described hit very close to home for me. My wife is also bipolar. We dated and lived together for years, but then about a year and some change after getting married, she started displaying some super odd, then erratic, and then dangerous and aggressive behavior.

She was then diagnosed as bipolar 2, and our life hasn't been the same. That was a few years ago, and it's been challenging ever since.

I'm not sure if I have anything to offer you outside of letting you know that I feel your pain and you aren't alone in this. Everyone who has that illness experiences it differently. And the loved ones around those people experience their own trauma. And if you allow that abuse in your life long enough, you will get hurt beyond repair and will never be the same.

I've had family members and other friends go through the same thing, so this wasn't entirely new to me. Though I'm not sure if that made it harder or easier for me to go through with my wife.

With family, I could set certain boundaries and remove myself from a toxic situation as long as a needed to. (I was already out of my family home by then.) With my wife, that obviously isn't an option.

We share a house. We share a life. We win and lose together, and we suffer together. And when its bad, we can be around each other constantly and yet never feel more distant and disconnected. It's rough.

Over the years, I've had countless conversations with concerned friends and family, therapists, and support groups. So let me distill down the primary takeaways for you:

The bad news is most people who are diagnosed as bipolar will not recover to being productive members of society. Not all, but most. If they can get better, it will still take a few years at minimum.

There is a ton of crossover with addiction that often gets diagnosed before the bipolar diagnosis, so don't be surprised if friends, family, or even doctors tell you she's an alcoholic or drug addict.

They may or may not be right, but in my experience with my family and my wife, you can't address one without addressing the other, but more on that in a second.
The best treatment (most of the time, but again everyone is different) is a combiantion of meds and therapy. Simply doing one or the other won't be enough.

Most psychiatrists agree that drinking alcohol will often render the bipolar meds useless. So even if they take the meds and do therapy, it likely still won't work.
It is going to be a long journey, but it doesn't all have to be this bad all the time. What I've seen is the episodes are progressive.

Left untreated, they get worse, much worse. So regular medication and therapy are both helpful for keeping things from going off the rails. So it is going to take some serious self-reflection from you to determine what role you are willing to play.

For me, I decided that as long as my wife is actively doing the things to try to get better, I'll be by her side trying to help. That certainly isn't without its challenges, but it is what I was able to do. You may feel differently, and that is okay.

You may already be hurt beyond repair, and you have no choice but to leave now, and that's okay too. But you cannot stay, let me repeat that, you cannot stay in a relationship with a person who isn't serious about battling that type of disease. It's too hard, and as you've already found out, it can be incredibly dangerous.

blackcat7 writes:

She might have bipolar disorder, but she also has borderline personality disorder; the two get mistaken a lot early on. Borderline is hard to diagnose, usually requires years of diagnosis.

Mood stabilizers that help bipolar also help to some extent borderline, but there is no standard treatment for personality disorders; it’s an upward battle for those who suffer and want to get better.

The issue: the hallmark trait of borderline personality disorder is fear of abandonment. This is extreme, and can be catastrophic if she suspects anything. Make your plans, and tell as few people as possible.

Get away while documenting everything and get a restraining order as soon as possible, or a police report. Things can escalate even further once you leave and the abandonment is triggered.

For your own sake, I really hope this isn’t what she has and I hope she doesn’t turn psychotic. But you have to prepare for the worst. Make sure you get one of those tracker detectors, there might be more on your vehicle or in other belongings. If she gave you any piece of jewelry, ditch it or leave it at home.

OP then writes an update that provides details about his childhood:

Makes sense I married this woman. My mom was a notorious liar, especially when she was drunk or using. She was drunk or using probably 60-80% of the time I lived with her. I tend to take most of the stories she told about my dad with a grain of salt.

She would lie to make herself look like a victim constantly. She would even lie to my teachers about what a bad kid I was, just to look cool or have people feel bad about her.

My “awful childhood” wasn’t the consequence of my dad being locked up. It was the consequence of having a junkie for a mother. I’m actually incredibly lucky that I wasn’t born with an addicition to some of the shit she was into because I’m reasonably sure she was using ehile she was pregnant with me.

I don’t know my dad well enough to talk shit on him, but I do know my mother well enough to talk shit on her.

My father also went to prison. i’m fully aware of what he went to prison for. If everybody must know, he stole cars, worked in a chop shop, and was caught with a good amount of coke. He probably robbed some people too, but he didn’t go in for anything like that.

My mom just also made some potentially dubious claims about the kind of person and boyfriend he was before he went to prison.

I’m all for believing women, except my mom who was great at inventing fiction about other people to make people feel bad for her, especially when she was high or drunk.

Some of the stories about some of the violence he allegedly perpetrated against her, that people who knew him well said would be out of character for him, and that nobody can corroborate may or may not be true.

And honestly, worst comes to worst, I was literally a professional fighter, and he’s an old man that’s been in the joint for over 20 years. I could probably kick his ass around the block if he turns out to be an asshole. I’m not particularly worried about whether or not he’s a threat to me personally.

Then 4 months later, OP officially divorces his wife and provides this update:

My (30F) ex-wife and I (26M) just finalized our divorce yesterday. Even after everything she put me through, I think I still love her? I hate myself for feeling the way I do. Now life just feels empty.

I know that divorce was the best option. We couldn’t have stayed together for much longer. Ultimately, the people we changed into being over the course of our marriage had become incompatible.

But I miss the feeling of being hers. I wish things could go back to being the way they were on the day she told me she was expecting. Honestly I have never been more excited about anything in my life than in that exact moment and I feel like things are never going to be that good again.

I’m kind if just using this as a sounding board for my feelings. I don’t much care if anybody reads it. I think when I wrote that I still love her, I didn’t quite mean it. I think I’m in love with the idea of her and the memories of the time she and I shared when things were relatively easy.

I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else who would make me feel like the way she did back then. How am I supposed to go on and move on with those memories to compare to?

And now, OP's major life update, 5 months later:

I finally told my ex that if she wants to get back together, she needs to respect my boundaries.

So no more sex with her, which I know is a good thing, it just will suck for a little while. Hopefully this helps to cut contact. I can't quite bring myself to block her just yet, but I have been trying to respond less and less frequently.

There is a huge huge part of me that is still head over heels for her, but there's also a part of me that knows the person she is right now is not good for me. I want to give her another chance, but I want her to prove she can stay stable on her meds and be consistent about seeing the right doctors.

I made some friends at the gym! I'm nowhere close to being as in good a shape as I was when I as fighting, but I'm back down to 195, and I hit 225 for 10 reps on bench again, which felt good. I couldn't finish more than 4 miles on the treadmill after hitting the weights today though, which was a little embarassing. I still have room to improve, I guess.

All my classes are done for the semester, which is a huge relief. I really really hate school sometimes, but I gotta do it.

I just have two more semesters left and then I can finally have a real stable job and career in something I'm passionate about, because honestly being a parts delivery guy is getting real old real fast. As much as I do enjoy driving, I can't do this forever.

My "parents" (AKA the longest-running set of foster parents I had before I aged out of the foster program as a kid - they never formally adopted me, but they want me to call them Mom and Dad)

are coming to visit for Christmas which is going to be nice. I haven't told them about how things have been with my ex since the divorce, so they can still believe I'm not a total screwup loser. I'm really excited to see them.

I heard my biological father is getting out of prison soon too. It'll actually be on my 27th birthday, which is kind of cool. I don't really remember him, he was convicted when I was a little kid, and after the state got me away from my mom, I stopped getting letters from him.

I wonder what he's like. I gotta say, I really really want to meet him, but if it never happens, I'll live. I've gone this long without knowing him, after all.

What do YOU make of OP's horrifying dilemma? Any advice for him?

Sources: Reddit
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