Man lets the truth slip; 'I told my sober father that he should just start drinking again.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my dad that he should just start drinking again?"

So a little back story, I (28m) am the eldest of my three siblings, and my father is a recovering alcoholic. He's always been a horrible person but me and my sister went through the worst of it since he stopped drinking when my mom was pregnant with my first brother.

Since he got sober it eased up into just insulting us and putting a lotta pressure on us to succeed in school. well it didn't really work on me since I absolutely crashed after highschool. I tried to go to college twice but couldn't do it and just accepted that I'll spend the rest of my life living with my parents.

but a few months ago I met my boyfriend, and I started to really get my life together. I got a job, we moved in together and I don't smoke as much. I know it seems early but I really care about this guy and he's making me want to live a long life.

Anyway the other day my mom invited me and my siblings to have dinner together at home. I agree since I love her and drive out to see them.

my dad stays pretty silent all night as my siblings talk about how their lives are going, finally it's my turn and I tell them all about my bf, my job and how I'm cutting down on smoking, my sister seemed really excited as I talked but when I was done my dad scoffed at me.

Here's where I might be the asshole, because I snapped. I told him that he shouldn't be so judgmental when his greatest achievement was going from a AH to just an @busive asshole. And if he was gonna keep this up he might as well just start drinking again.

well that devolved into a massive shouting match. Mom was crying, my brothers joined in and my sister was trying to get us to stop. Dad smashed his plate on the floor and I threw a vase at the wall before I left the house. I got in my car, backed into their mailbox, smashed it and drove away.

I tried to calm down as I drove back home but I was still on edge when I got there and ended up snapping at my bf, he asked me what was going on and I told him everything. He's on my side but I know my sister and mom probably aren't.

We haven't spoken yet but I'm starting to feel kinda bad about everything I said, especially since I turned some of my rage onto my mom and she doesn't deserve that. I'm honestly kinda lost right now and could use some unbiased options.

Let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

facwe writes:

NTA. honey live your life. I'm not your father. But I'm proud of you for cutting down smoking and eeking out a place for yourself in the world.

agaput writes:

Honestly, basically ESH. You need to consider if being around your dad is actually safe for you Instead of getting together there with him there, in the future you could consider going somewhere with your mom for example, even just a walk or something.

OP replies:

unfortunately my mom is very tolerant of his behavior, and believes that we should all stay in each other lifes because we're family. normally he fades into the background and i can ignore him at least.

creapu writes:

You don’t have to keep anyone in your life for the sake of “family”. That includes parents. If your father triggers violent behavior in you - and make no mistake, throwing a vase at a wall is violent behavior - you need to stay away from him.

I truly hope the way you spoke and your actions in anger are limited to being around your father. Otherwise, you are an abusive asshole also. Please get some therapy to learn how to go no or low contact with the toxic people in your life and control your angry outbursts.

feaple writes:

it does usually happen around my father. and i am in therapy. this is the first time I've interacted with him since moving out and i was hoping things would go well. unfortunately not. i am considering going low/no contact, but I want to talk to my siblings about it first.

feass writes:

ESH mostly him, but you a little. Him scoffing feels like not enough provocation to deserve you blowing up and telling an addict to go back to their addiction.

That being said, he's an abusive asshole and his response to smash his plate and throw a vase is just utterly insane. So definitely more him than you, but you definitely went from 0 to 60 real quick.

Also, you should be very careful with your new relationship. It sounds like your first real relationship and in your situation and with your background it sounds like you're becoming codependent.

Moving in with someone after just a few months is not a great idea. Hopefully it works for you, but you should maybe get some therapy and work on developing your own sense of self and bettering yourself outside of just his influence.

foturne writes:

YTA, but for aking out your frustrations by snapping at your boyfriend. If you really want to improve instead of continuing the cycle of abuse, cut off your abuser and go to therapy. I'm saying this as someone who was also abused by my parents. Being hurt does not excuse hurting others. It doesn't feel fair we have to fix damage someone else caused, but it is our responsibility.

aghapuwert writes:

I hate to sound like the typical "you should seek therapy" commenter, but..... OP, YOU NEED SOME THERAPY/PROFESSIONAL HELP! I'm sorry your pops was (and still is) an @busive POS!

And that your mom is unfortunately one of those spineless enablers that has allowed her children to be raised in a toxic environment, obviously traumatizing y'all. But, you are an adult now, and what you do, and what life choices you make are your own and on you, and you alone.

I'm glad you found love, and it made you want to turn your life around. But, to do so for a relationship is very unhealthy, codependent, and that's another reason to seek professional help. What if this wonderful love doesn't last?

You seem to be on a destructive path, and very prone to depressive episodes, especially when life isn't coming up roses. In the beginning of your post you stated that you crashed twice when attempting college, so you just said "oh well I'll just live with my parents forever", basically the typical manchild bum/loser.

How about actually finding some work that you fit well with. And try to work hard, and take care of yourself? I say all this because you obviously have some desire to have some stability and happiness in your life. And seeking that professional help could go a long ways for you.

Your pops is obviously TA . But, as I said, your grown now, your choices are on you. You're the buttface to yourself if you don't try to get some needed help for yourself. You can be and do whatever you put your mind to.

gayeettt writes:

Respectfully, are you gay?

OP replies:

I'm bise%ual but I'm in a relationship with a man.

chornique writes

There lies the issue. Your dad is a recovering alcoholic whose firstborn son is gay and he blames himself. Boom solved

OP replies:

he doesn't care about that. my youngest brother is gay and trans. and everyone including him uses the right Pronoun for him. plus my dad had hooked up with men in college.