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Man livid when GF accepts marriage proposal from disabled man. 'He's LYING to you!' AITA? DISTURBING UPDATE.

Man livid when GF accepts marriage proposal from disabled man. 'He's LYING to you!' AITA? DISTURBING UPDATE.


When this man is confused by his GF's decision to accept a proposal, he asks Reddit:

"My GF (29F) was proposed to by her disabled friend (28M). She wants to do it but still be with me (28M). I am conflicted. AITA?"

My GF has made it clear she wants to stay in our relationship, and that she loves me. This person she knows has been her friend since childhood, and he is physically disabled. She has been close to him in a non-sexual way, writing letters and talking online everyday to him for the last two years when he re-established contact.

Wel last month, he proposed to her. She accepted. She told me that she is going to do it and feels so strongly about it and won't change her mind. Ring and everything.

This marriage is going to be just in name, she says they won't actually live together or have any romance or sex. It more of a token than real thing. There are legal aspects of it as well she says are just not a big deal and won't be relevant.

I do not want another man telling people she is his. I do not want to be in a polyamorous relationship or for her to eventually invite him to live with us or something like that (if he convinced her to marry him, who knows what else he can convince her of).

I also under no circumstance want to lose her. We have a perfect relationship for almost eight years. She never hinted that she'd want something like this. I even dumped her because of it, because I was hoping that would change her mind but she didn't, she called my bluff.

I was such a wreck that I came back to her after one day, she said of course we are still together but she wants to me to meet him to put my mind at ease. Another thing I said is can she just do it for show, have a fake ceremony (she is set on an official marriage ceremony). I said do it for one week and then divorce and she said that's up to him.

I don't think she is cheating, this guy is wheel chair bound and burned. but I wanted to propose to her and I'm scared he might try to game her somehow. Honestly I just think he's lying to her.

TLDR: She wants to marry her disabled friend in name only, out of pity. She wants to still be with me and is saying I am misunderstanding that it's not a real marriage. I don't want to lose her but I am worried this guy might be manipulating her. AITA?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

multiraci writes:

Dude, this is literally insane. You've been together for eight years, and she accepts a marriage proposal from someone else without even discussing it with you?! And then tells you to just accept it because she's unwilling to change her mind?!

And then she downplays it as a token thing and insists that "the legal aspects are no big deal?!*

What the actual f?!Sir, the reason gay people are fighting so goddamn hard for the right to marry is because the legal aspects are a big goddamn fg deal. Guess what, guy: if she's in a car accident, he gets to visit her in the hospital.

You don't. If she is on life support, he can decide to pull the plug. You can't. If she dies, he gets her benefits and her property. You don't. He gets her insurance, her work benefits, her tax breaks.

If she's declared mentally unsound or otherwise disabled, he gets to decide what to do with her. And in any kind of dispute, the court will side with him, not you. Because she actually signed a very real and legally binding contract.

With him. On a fucking lark. In total disrespect for how you would feel about it. Without even discussing it with you. That is the million-megaton nuclear bomb of communication failures. Seriously.

That is one step above gassing you and selling your organs and then expecting you to come crawling back to forgive her. You. Have. No. Future. With. This. Woman.

icefarmer writes:

This is amongst the dumbest ideas I have ever heard of. She may have a big heart for wanting to make the guy feel better by marrying him but she hasn't thought it through.

She apparently thinks so little of you she's willing to legally bind herself to another man. I have to admit my first instinct was "troll" when I read this story but figured I would share my thoughts.


-You mean less to her than her friend. I know he's disabled and deserves assistance but he does not get to pull stunts like this

-Your gorgeous, beautiful woman has taken you for granted -Your gorgeous, beautiful woman is definitely immature and stupid

-This arrangement's only benefit is showing you that your relationship has been as valuable as the poop I flushed down the toilet this morning and apparently just as easy.

At this point I trust you have moved out and got your own place. DO NOT CALL HER, SEE HER OR WRITE HER ANY LETTERS! You need to grow a spine and go cold turkey. As far as you are concerned you are done.

If she wants to be with you this stupid idea is permanently off the table. Vincethink is probably right though, you dodged a bullet. You will move on and grieve, recover and live a valuable life with someone else who loves and respects you. You don't have that now but you deserve it.

mucdup writes:

OP shouldn't have married her after all this, it sounds like to me she wanted the media attention because the guy is a soldier, and she was indeed being selfish and to be honest how could she be trusted after this??

I understand OP loves her, but that resentment over the situation would always be there, and because she has such a problem saying NO to people who crush on her and obsess over her I believe she needs phycological help and that she's too immature to be in a relationship let alone a marriage.

And now, OP's UPDATE:

Thanks for all your messages. I know this is screwed up, my GF is not dumb but she's a bit sheltered. This is a long update because a lot happened and I'm trying to make sense of it.

When I confronted her a couple nights ago, she kept reiterating that it is a marriage with no romance attached to it, and that it will be the best day of his life and they'll probably have media attention on it because he was a soldier.

She said she will still live with me and still be committed to me. She was saying I have no compassion or understand her intentions and that made her sad. It made zero sense, but I could tell she was being stubborn and trying to justify it.

She let me talk to him on the phone finally. Right away I knew he sounded off mentally. He told me he got his heart broken recently by someone who cheated on him, and was planning to give my GF the ring he got for the other girl.

He said he doesn't want the ceremony for himself but for his parents to feel like they have a normal son, because it was their dream to watch him get married. I told him this makes me angry because I was planning to propose to her already and I will never be able to marry her now.

I then lost control and told him that if he does this I am going to ruin his life, and then he said calmly that his life is already ruined. He didn't give a shit. I seriously wanted to fight him and I felt he enjoyed having that power.

So then there was a big argument. Her father was furious about the whole thing and was just screaming at her. He was saying some mean stuff calling her an idiot, immature, delusional.

Then after a while after he tears into all her arguments she backs down and says it was never going to be a legal marriage anyway.

Her mom kept on defending her saying "let them do it, it's just for innocent fun, it'll make the boy's year, he was suicidal, blah blah," and her father kept saying over my dead body, this is real life not make believe, we spoiled her, she should be focusing on her career etc….

I didn't know what to do so I was starting to plan on how I would break up with her. But then the next day she contacts me and tells me the entire thing is dropped.

She said it's not going to happen and it was stupid and she was never serious about it, that she just wanted to do good for somebody who was suffering, who she grew up with, but she didn't want it to come between her and me. She said she was being selfish and got tunnel vision.

Today I proposed to her. I love her too much to dump her. She is a 9.5 and I'm only a 7, I would never be able to do better (I know, looks aren't everything, she is more than just a body).

I told her it was on the condition we will have a long engagement and I'm disturbed about this whole situation that happened and that if she didn't come to me with this news today I would've ended the relationship.

She told me to just forget it ever happened, and then to prove it to me, she took the friend off her facebook list in front of me and said she won't even talk to him again.

TLDR: Either the guy relayed to her I was planning to propose, or she really was this naive and her father talked some sense into her.

I decided to propose to her and make it a long engagement so I can see if she really is committed to me or will pull something like this again. She also took the guy off her Facebook and promised she won't contact him.

EDIT: I see you're all perfect and don't know what TRUE LOVE is. You all think she is a cheater but she is not. She just has a really big heart. She goes out of her way to help people, even beggars on the street she will give them money.

It's a headache still, like she wanted to keep the guy's ring now because it's her 'first proposal ever'. She is really sentimental that way, but I told her that's not acceptable to me and she's going to send it back to him with a letter explaining why she won'to continue contact with him.

Lastly, as for the comment about 9.5 and 7, I don't see what the big deal is. I said she means more to me than just looks, but her looking great is a sign of the beauty of what's inside her.

Everyone wants to be around her and be in her life. It is really hard to deal with that as her BF, always has been. So many times people drunk dial her or obsess about her with tons of phone calls, she still hasn't learned to be able to say NO though and she told me she will work on it, but in 8 years she has never been unfaithful.

I want to give her the best wedding now to prove to her I'm worth it, you guys might be right that she was testing me somehow.

I do feel hurt and I don't completely understand it, but it isn't enough to dump somebody for just being naive or for wanting to get married. If I dumped her like you all wanted, that wouldn't solve anything.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's decision:

strangename writes:

Proposing to her is the most counterproductive solution you could have come to. It's clear you are as immature as her.

Urgh, a proposal and the accepting of one is a promise that basically says "If we did not need time and money to organise the wedding first, I would be ready to marry you tomorrow." NOT just to deviate other guys from asking her to marry them because you reckon she's too good looking for you. For goodness sake, man!!

mosqot writes:

You've gotten a lot of great answers already, but I'll throw in my two cents as well. This is all kinds of bullshit.

The disabled guy needs help. If he honestly thinks his life is ruined to the point where he doesn't care how he ruins other peoples lives then he needs to talk to someone.

If he was suicidal then he needs to talk to someone. If he thinks that marrying a longtime friend who's in a serious relationship with someone else is okay, then he needs to talk to someone.

Not family or a friend, but an actual therapist. I don't care if he's already seeing a therapist, he needs to see a different one and work on his issues.

Your girlfriend apologized, but right now it really doesn't mean much because she was still going to go through with it even as her father was yelling at her. It was going to break you guys up and she was still going through with it.

She can try to say that she thought she was being nice (which she wasn't because of how she was treating you), that she was doing a favor for a friend (and screwing you over in the process).

Yes, she was being selfish and had tunnel vision, that's correct. But it's worrying that it took her that long and that many people yelling at her for her to realize that what she was doing wasn't okay.

If her father had been on board like her mother was (which is also screwed up, do they even know you have a serious relationship with her) then she would still be marrying her disabled friend and screwing you over, only she'd be thinking that it's your own problem that you're so upset about it.

This is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with and she JUST showed you that she doesn't consider your feelings a priority in her life compared to her own feelings or the feelings of her friend.

And you. You have self esteem issues. That 9.5 and 7 bullshit needs to stop. Knowing that you can never do better, are you kidding me?

You think you can never do better than someone who pulls this drama marriage bullshit and thinks it's okay? You think you can never do better than someone who has this really important friend in her life yet you never meet him for years and years?

You think you can do better than a girl that won't even listen to your concerns? You were on the verge of breaking up with her and now you're engaged. What the hell, man. That's not how it works. That's TV bullshit that has everyone yelling at the screen about how stupid the characters are.

Marriage isn't a joke like your girlfriend thinks it is. And it's not the savior of relationships like you think it is. It's not going to fix the problem. The guy she almost married wanted to get married because his life sucked, and it sounds like you want to get married because your relationship sucks.

Taking her friend off Facebook as proof that the whole thing is over and to pretend "it never happened" is also stupid. That's what people in high school do. This is a serious relationship.

This is the girl you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Problems don't go away because you defriend someone or you apologize. The go away because both people in the relationship strive to fix those problems together.

There's a chance you guys can better, but first: why did you propose to her after everything that happened? You don't have to answer me, but think about the question.

Don't just say because you love her. Marriage is a two way street, she has to love you back. You guys need to work together. You need to trust each other. It's about more than the feelings you have for her. Please reconsider. I can see you're still cautious, but this is far from over.

murphlaw writes:

I cringe at the word simp because it’s a name usually wrongly used for men who love and respect women, but this man is a full on SIMP for this woman.

I’d understand if the friend proposed and she was wracked with guilt because of all the reasons she used/but declined (certain people who are extremely empathetic take on too much burden and can feel like if they can make someone happy, they are bad if they don’t despite ridiculous requests), but this is crazy!

Poor dude. Even if she wasn’t lying or cheating and is just super naive, their relationship is screwed because she’ll always run into the fire headfirst without thinking about the consequences it’ll have her, him or the family.

What do YOU make of OP's dilemma?

Sources: Reddit
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