Man loses wife in car accident; 4 years later discovers her 'secret' life; 'Should I tell her family the truth?' WIBTA? UPDATED

"WIBTA if I told my late wife's family what she did?"

Ana, my late wife, died in a car accident, person lost control of their car and ran her over and she passed away immediately. We were both 26 at the time, it was 4 years ago, right before the pandemic.

We were having a bad time as a couple, she was extremely jealous of me and also very protective of her phone. Shortly after her death, I found out I had a STD, and surprise surprise she was cheating on me.

On the day she passed, A guy we went to college and was kinda friends with, sent her messages, asking for pictures of their last encounter and the way he talked, it seemed like it was recent, and it seemed that they talked often.

I was able to get in her phone and laptop, as she didnt change her passwords because she would Always ask to check my phone and I would ask for hers back, so I had the password.

There wasnt much because she deleted everything or hid it very well, but the most recent messages, she obviously couldnt delete them, so everything that came after her death was still there.

While looking for the pictures he asked for, I found pictures of her and and him in a rare deep in a random place at her work folders, at her laptop. In one of them she had short hair, which she only had right after we got engaged.

So she was with him for at least 3 years out of our 6 years together. Also, found pictures of 2 other guys, but I have no idea who they are and there was no messages from either of them anywhere.

I messaged the "friend" and told him that I knew, told him about the std, and that I wont reveal it to anyone and want it to be kept a secret forever. I asked him if anyone else knew and he said that his ex knew, but he would talk to her.

I decided that for the sake of her parents and siblings, I would pretend she was a great person and let them have their beatiful memories with her.

Ana's older brother Thomas (34M) is a good friend of mine to this day. I would even go as far to say we are best friends. After 2 years of my wife's passing, I was ready to date again. Thomas said that he knew the perfect girl for me, he just wanted me to be sure I was ready for something serious before introducing each other.

It was his sister in law, Laura (27F). We knew each other only superficialy, but never really talked before our first date. I fell for her quick and hard. We started dating and about 3 months in we were already telling each other I love yous and I told her I was going to marry her. It has been a little less than 2 years, we are engaged, and I have never been this happy.

I told her all about my relationship with Ana. I still have the evidence of what she did stored away in my computer just in case and I showed it to Laura. She cried a little and conforted me, but I assured her I was fine, and that I was over it.

The problem comes with Ana's Family. Especially her mom and sister. Ever since Ana's passing, everytime they talk about her, people want to hear me talk. They ask me about her, try to include me in coversations about her. "Ana was such a good cook right (my name)?", "I loved when she and (my name) would banter, you remember (my name)?" Stuff like this.

I was able to get by in the beginning by saying it was difficult for me to talk about her, that I was not ready. They let me be for a while, but ever since I started dating Laura, I coudnt use the "im not ready" excuse.

Her friends, sister and mom get anoyed if I dont sound enthusiatic or depressed (learned that its easier to look depressed). Also, if I talk about Ana in any way that isnt portraying her as an angel the came down to Earth to bless us with her presence, I get side eyed.

Thankfully Thomas and her father are great guys and dont push me too hard on this. Her dad is Always thankful that I attend their Family gatherings, as we like to talk about our field of work, he always says he considers me a son.

Her mom and sister though, they get pissy if I try to dodge the topic of Ana and the sister even said it out loud once that its obvious that I didnt love Ana. She apologized after, but I mean, she isnt wrong, by the end I didnt, and sure as hell dont now.

Look, im over what happened, I dont feel hate for Ana anymore. I sometimes catch myself wishing she was alive just so I didnt have to pretend anymore, but also because her death was a tragedy, a lot of people loved her.

Her friends organize a reunion for her birthday and those are incredibly hard, and even though I know her AP will be there, I go because I know how much she meant to those people.

But this is all starting to get to me because its affecting Laura. I cant say I love her in front of these people, I cant even hug her and Ana's sister gets all moody. Her best friend stopped speaking to Laura (they were also friends).

Ana's mom even came to us at Thomas's birthday party last week and asked us to stop dancing to respect her grief. She also contacted my mom and Laura's parents to say that she was incredibly disapointed that I proposed to Laura so soon, saying that we are moving too fast.

Its been 4 years, even if she wasnt a cheater, more than enough time has passed. Im just over it and Im seriously considering telling all of them what happened, just to get the weight of my back. WIBTA if I did this?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

getjobdon writes:

ESH. youd be TA for throwing it in their face "now", by which I mean youre putting yourself in deep in that hole to begin with all on your own. why are you still so connected with your wifes whole family?

Get away from them. Thomas is one thing, but man, I hope that hasnt put poison deep in the marrow of your relationship. If you stay with this person, youre totally TA for continuing a relationship that will force your SO to be called a worthless second hand for your whole time together.

OOP: Was also confused about it for a long time. My best guess is that she only had her blowups when she hid everything and deleted the messages. So she was ready to give it to me, knowing it was clean. I never asked in other scenarios, only when she asked to see mine. Same for the computer.

feago writes:

NTA. I would tell Ana's asshole mother and sister, ONE time to stop with their shit. If they say another word to you about her, unleash the hound of hell and tell them everything.

But be forewarned: They will both be just like the Reddit brigade and tell you that Ana wouldn't have cheated if you had been a better man or if you helped more with the housework or were more romantic. They will cope hard.

Watching the Reddit brigade twist logic into a pretzel to defend women who are clearly in the wrong, don't be surprised if that is the reaction you get. Good luck to you and Laura. Live long and prosper.

feasible writes:

Yta because I don’t see this actually doing anything It cause pain , I’m sorry you were dumb enough to keep a cheaters cheating “ just between us “

All that being said if you wanna do it you have that right but either Why are you still associating with these people because it’s not doing you any good

OOP on going low contact with Ana’s parents

OOP: I dont have much family. My sister lives far away, my dad passed. Its only my mom and my extended family also lives where my Sister lives.

Like I said, Thomas is my best friend and he is Laura's brother in law. Laura's family and Ana's are really close, they even do some holidays together. Other than Thomas and his wife, there is also a cousin of Ana's that is married to Laura's older brother. Its bit of a mess, but both families are tight, so Its almost impossible to not be in their lives.

faeeet writes:

YWNBTA. Talk to Thomas and even the dad. One year is appropriate to wait, four years is way longer. If the mother still has a problem, then she needs grief counseling you do not need any other excuse to move on with your life.

I would also talk to Thomas because he loves Laura and introduced her to you and he should help defend this. Laura should not have lost a friend because your wife died four years ago!

“Thomas, I loved your sister and we had a long relationship. She was not a saint. She was a human being under any standard in any religion or morality. I am allowed to move on with my life and the fact that your mother is making this so difficult and that Laura has lost a friend And that she is now crossing boundaries is a big problem and I need your advice as to how to deal with it.”

“I don’t want to disparage her or sully her memory, but I was her husband, and I lived with her, and I could explain why my feelings are complicated, but I don’t think that would make anyone feel any better.

But I will if I have to, and my first choice is for your mother to get grief counseling along with your sister and stop interfering in my life and disparaging me and my girlfriend Will become my wife I hope. Absent that I may have to defend myself from this because of how intertwined our families are and that will not end well for anyone.

fancay writes:

NTA. Tell them. Also go LC with all her family. Out the AP also. Show proof of the STD. OR just cut them completely out of your life with no explanation. Either way protect what you have with Laura.

I would tell your family and Laura's the truth and that you have been trying to protect her out of respect but not if it causes Laura grief. You can either protect your dead, cheating, lying wife or your living, sweet, loving, loyal GF. How can that be a hard decision?

Update:

Hello again. Sorry for not replying to most of you, there were too many comments and I wasn't able to respond to many. Thank you so much for caring though. I had used reddit for advice on a work related issue in the past and it was helpful, I feel like it came through again.

Only updating because I received so many DMs asking for it and I hate when I read something and has no resolution, and as I think there is no harm in doing it, here am I.

Something that I want to add because I didn't feel it was relevant before, but seeing so many people saying so many mean things about Ana, made me feel like it's relevant, just for some people to understand how I feel about her. Maybe it isn't relevant, but I feel like saying it and putting out there.

Ana loved me, she really did. She wasn't some monster that wanted me to be miserable and make me a fool. I saw the way she talked about me to other people, she loved me. She was worried I would divorce her and was talking to people about how to turn around our marriege, how to put it back on track.

The issue was that she had a k@nk, and I absolutely had no desire to partake in it. She asked a couple times, once early in the relationship, and another time after we got married, and I refused unequivocally both times and was particurlaly judgemental about it.

All the pictures I found, were of her in those k@nk scenarios. So yeah, she was se%ually frustrated and used those men to satisfy her k@nk. But she loved me, she was just very selfish, dumb and reckless. I really belive this.

And I say all of this because she was a really terrible wife, she cheated on me for years because of a k@nk. But she was not a terrible person, she was only a terrible partner. There is a reason so many people loved her so much.

I went with my gut feeling of talking to Thomas. Seems like a lot of people came to the same conclusion, that this was the best way to deal with this. Me and Laura went to his house and we talked to him a and his wife, Laura's sister.

I told them that I was only bringing this up now because mine, and Laura's lives are being affected by the way people perceive me as Ana's husband.

People want me to be a memory of her life, when in reality, being reminded that I was married to her felt like a gut punch and I'm at my limit. But I kept on trying because I love her family, and I know how much she meant to many people.

I told them that I did not love the person she became when she died. That we were probably headed for divorce soon, even without the things I learned.

The only reason I didn't share it with anyone was because I didn't see a point to tarnish her memory and change people's perception of her when it wouldn't matter to anyone, and it would only bring pain for those that loved her. Now though, this decision is biting me in the ass because I also have to act like she was perfect.

The reason I told them this way was so they could opt in to knowing more if they wanted, but if they would rather stay ignorant to the situation, they could. Thomas wanted to know everything so I told them.

He asked to see the proof and I told him that the pictures were sexual and graphic, it was not a good idea for him to see it. He asked his wife to see them. I showed it to her and she confirmed to him that it was real, and they were really bad, she actually flinched looking at them.

He asked if it was only one time. I told him it was with 3 different guys and one of them went on for at least 3 years that I knew of. He was mad, cussed a lot, not at me, but at the situation. I started to regret everything at that point. He said "wow, why is she so fg stupid", he called Ana stupid a bunch of times. He asked for some time to think stuff over and went out. I left Laura and her sister talking and also went on a drive.

About an hour later Thomas called me and asked me to come back to his house. He and Monica gave me a hug. She was crying a lot. He asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that all I want is to move on from this and be happy with Laura.

He told me that he would handle his mom and sister, that I didn't need to worry about them anymore, but I should just distance myself from his Family and Ana's friends for a while. He said Im his brother, and that will never change. We all hugged it out and that was it.

My ex-SIL has since reached out and told me that she knew Ana was cheating on me but thought we were working through it. Ana told her about a year before she died and said that she would come clean and try to work on the marriage.

Now Thomas told her what happened and she has apologized a lot. Said that she has been basically ignoring her flaws ever since she died but it has turned unhealthy for both her and her mom. She said she will help me with anything I need regarding this topic.

Ex-FIL and MIL dont know anything and we will keep it that way. I will try to make time to hang out with my FIL from time to time, and considering him and my new FIL are good friends, me and Thomas have been talking about taking them fishing, golfing, maybe just going to a bar, stuff like that, at least once a month. And as for my ex-MIL, I just keep my interactions to a minimum.

So yeah, I think it worked out well. Another thing is that Laura wants to speed up our wedding planning, so hopefully we will get married in March or April, before we were talking about having a long engagement, but there is no point in waiting, we both know what we want. And I'm happy, very happy.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You do not have to respond, and I guess you kept it vague on purpouse, but what was the k@nk because most times you see people disgusted with their partners when something like this happens and you seem very, i dont know, calm?

OOP: Yeah, wont say what it was, but lets just say she did stuff to the guy, not the other way around. Honestly the guys in the pictures looked pathetic and if those were to leak, they would be the ones ridiculed, not me. The AP that I talked to was DESPERATE when I told him I had pictures.

That made it 10x easier for me to move on. I would say this was better than if she had a normal afair, at least for my mental health.

Commenter 2: Thomas is a good good dude

Please you & Laura live your best lives together