Man makes future in-laws 'uncomfortable' by talking openly about his family, 'I didn't find it tragic.' AITA?
"AITA for making my future in-laws uncomfortable by talking more openly about my adoption and my parents?"
So I (25M) am engaged to my fiancée Erin (also 25F). Since we started actively planning our wedding, Erin's family but mostly her parents, have developed an obsession with stating how tragic/sad/unfortunate, etc it is that I won't have my "real family" there and that there'll be no blood relatives of mine present for the wedding or our life together. Erin has told them my real family are my dads and my siblings but they wave that off like it's BS. Erin has told them the topic is to be closed and we have left on a couple of occasions because they brought it up since. But this last time I decided to be open.
It was a dinner where Erin's immediate family were present and some family friends. Erin's parents brought it up again how tragic it is and so I decided to divulge my feelings and my experience with adoption and my parents.
BG: I was removed from my biological parents at the age of 5 and placed in foster care. I had a very unstable 2 years before I met my dad and my pa. I was 7 when I moved in with them, 9 when I became eligible for adoption and that same year I welcomed the first of my two siblings. I was so lucky to find my parents and to end up with the family I have. I remember clearly some of the bad with my biological family and I don't miss that.
So I told my future ILs that I didn't find it tragic at all. That people who can make a 5 year old feel so unloved that they never see a future where someone could care for them. That you can be surrounded by those who share your DNA and never experience kindness or love. I told them I could not imagine having any of those people in my life today and I could not imagine thinking DNA means more than love.
I told them I was miserable being with those people and I wished every day for someone to love me and that I didn't know love until I was 7 and I met my parents, and more specifically my dad, who embodies love and is hands down the most loving, caring, compassionate and thoughtful person I have ever met. He is my shining example of someone who loves and has such a deep capacity to love.
I told them my real parents are the dad and pa who took in a kid who was so depressed and scared and dragged down that he didn't eat like a normal person, was afraid to sleep and would often cry when sleep did overtake him. I told them that my real parents are the people who walked me to school every morning, who sat and helped me catch up with school and homework because I was so far behind that I should have been back in kindergarten.
I told them my real family are the parents and siblings who know I do not share their DNA but love me anyway and have been there for me through every single step of my life since I was 7 and who made me a forever part of their family through adoption. My future ILs were silent after that. But they told me I humiliated them and made them uncomfortable in their own home and I shouldn't have spoken like that. Erin told them they should learn when to quit and apologize to me. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Goalie_LAX_21093 said:
Definitely NTA and good for Erin for fully backing you up. You say a dad and a pa - so I assume you have 2 dads. I’m wondering if this is more their issue than blood, TBH. Which is really sad. Regardless- you put them in their place. You did nothing wrong.
Miserable-Tadpole-90 said:
Erin is a keeper! NTA. You asked them to stop talking about your adopted family like they are not your real family, and they didn't stop. Their discomfort is on them.
_Perfect_Mistake_ said:
NTA. You said your parents were two dads right? Would they have said all those things if your adoptive parents were straight? This sounds like they have an issue with the fact your adoptive parents were gay. Either way, whether it be because they are trying to hide their homophobia or because they truly believe blood is thicker than water, they are AHs.
But you’ve got a great future wife there who not only backs you up, but isn’t afraid to stand up to her parents to do so as well. Also OP, the way you described your dad and parents was so touching and beautiful. I’m glad you found love through them because you deserve it.
Comfortable-Sea-2454 said:
NTA - your FILS embarrassed themselves, thankfully your Fiancé has your back. "My future ILs were silent after that. But they told me I humiliated them and made them uncomfortable in their own home and I shouldn't have spoken like that. Erin told them they should learn when to quit and apologize to me." Mic drop!
Responsible_Slice448 said:
NTA, the respect and love you have for your (adoptive) parents is amazing, they are your one true parents, fuck blood. Sure the inlaws are embarrassed but I feel like they have alot of times to either drop it or privately ask your opinion on it /why you don't want the people who birthed you at your wedding (they don't deserve to be called your biological parents). I love the tv series supernatural and so I will use a quote "family doesn't end in blood but it doesn't start there either, family cares about you not what you can do for them."
venturebirdday said:
Humiliated them?!?! What an odd response. You tried to give them the gift of understanding and they decided it was an attack? They are seriously damaged people. I am so deeply grateful that you found love. You are not alone and you know far more than most of us what alone is. Peace to you. Thank you for your story. NTA, NTA, NTA.