Man make shocking discovery about himself when wife insists on opening their marriage.

When this man feels weird about his lifestyle choice, he asks the internet:

"I left our polyamorous marriage for my close friend. Where do I go from here?"

30M and 33F. We were married for 5 years and together for 8. At some point in our marriage, my wife asked if I would be open to have a polyamorous relationship. I wanted to say no but was afraid of being labeled as insecure and losing her.

She had polyamorous relationships previously and had much more experience than me se%ually. She was my first and only partner. We had an extensive preparation period reading books, going to therapy and communicating. I thought I was ready but apparently I wasn’t.

I wasn’t even confident that I could find partners. She did it easily through dating apps and all I got was 0 matches. I communicated it to her, we took good photos and changed our profile according to her comments.

In the end, I still got no dates though matched with few people. We had several boundaries in the relationship: always use protection, always prioritize each other over other partners, no se in our bed, no friends, and don’t get into relationship with people we both know.

I must give it to her that if I were a polyamorous person, she would be a great partner. She regularly checked in and communicated with me but I couldn’t do the same. I couldn’t be honest.

Overtime, I started building resentment which I kept to myself. At the time, I started talking about it drinking with one of my female friends(30F). We didn’t spend much time together back then. We shared some hobbies but talked to each other maybe every other week.

That drinking and discussion time we had together was the only thing that was supporting me. She was listening to me, validating my feelings and being a shoulder that I can lean on. We didn’t have se but it turned into a strong emotional connection which we later confirmed as love.

That kept on for a while until I realized I don’t want to be together with my wife anymore. I had a discussion with my wife about ending the marriage. She was shocked because I didn’t communicate previously about anything before and just dumped my feelings at once to her.

She called for closing the marriage and going to a counselor to focus on ourselves. I rejected and in the end filed for divorce. She tried really hard to fix our relationship but I didn’t reciprocate any of her actions.

I know I was unfair to my ex-wife. She would make a great partner for a polyamorous person but I realized I am demiseual and monogamous. Once I connected with someone else, I completely lost connection with her.

I cheated on her in the standard of polyamorous relationships. We are still together with my ex-close friend and going strong at it. I hope the future will bring good things for us.

glumf writes:

Women are more likely to require emotional intimacy and a relationship for s than men. And men are more likely to be open to meaningless s with no strings attached. Obviously this isn't 100% of the cases but it is the majority.

So when a couple opens their relationship to outsiders on the condition that only meaningless s with no emotional connection is allowed, you know for a fact that 99% of the people willing to participate with you two will be men.

She knew she was going to be having tons of s while you had none. There is nothing wrong with consenting non-monogamous relationships.

But unless you both expressed a mutual desire for cuckolding then she went about this the wrong way from the start.

She should have suggested meeting with other couples, going to communities of like minded people, or at the very least stopped and reevaluated the situation when she saw you weren't getting the action she was. She never thought about you until you were gone.

She wanted everything and didn't care if you got anything. If the love was there then her behavior would have been very different.

Go be happy with your new partner. Don't feel guilty for acknowledging your own needs. But in the future, don't wait until your breaking point before you stand up for yourself.

agahyout writes:

These rules were unfair from the start. First of all, you didn't have a poly marriage, you had an open marriage. Polyamory means loving multiple people, not just fg other people.

Some structures do still involve having a 'primary' partner, but if you aren't allowed to form emotional bonds with another person, you aren't being polyamorous. It's hard to think either of you did enough research if you didn't know that basic fact.

Secondly, yes, you broke the rules of your open relationship, but who proposed those rules? Those rules are stating that anyone you engage with is to be used solely for s, to be cast aside at the whims of the couple. It's no wonder there were infinitely more men willing to engage in that than women.

Even in casual s you should be allowed be friends with that person and consider their emotions.

Theres never going to be a lot of women lining about to have s with a man who is forbidden by his wife from ever giving a shit about them as a person. Those rules were shitty to you and any potential partners. Its non monogomy, sure, but is it really ethical?

Whilst you did technically cheat within the boundaries of your arrangement, it's hard to consider you the bad guy for that when it sounds like you didn't have much say in that arrangement to begin with.

Yes, you were passive, but if she really was as good a partner as you claim, she should have ensured it was something you actually wanted, not something you just went along with.

She was the one with experience and thus power, so it was her responsibility to make sure you had equal say despite your inexperience. By failing to do that, she took advantage of you. And you should feel no guilt at eventually deciding to leave that situation. It was always doomed to fail.