Man makes teenage son cry; 'I don't think I'm a bad father but grief is so complicated.' AITA?

"AITA for making my son cry?"

I (47M) have a son (14M) from a previous marriage to my late wife. She passed two years ago and for my son the wound is still very fresh. My son and her were very close as they look exactly alike and had a lot of the same interest in reading, history, and art. Their favorite place in the world is the British Museum in London.

Their passion project has been redrawing peices from the museum for the last two years before . For the last four years for my wife’s birthday in June and my son’s birthday in December we go to England for a week so they can spend time in the museum. However Since she died, my son and I have continued going for his birthday.

The problem is with my new wife (39F). Shes only been with us on this annual trip once last year and she complained the whole time. Now however, we recently found out we are expecting a child together in May.

She raised it to my attention that the money I’ve used for the trip could be better used to be saved for the baby and we could instead do something else for my son’s birthday. I thought about it and I agreed.

I was worried how he’d take it as this is the only thing he wants for his birthday. He dosent ask for gifts or cake, or a party. All he cares about is this goddam museum.

We broke the news to my son yesterday and he flipped out. He was so upset and when my wife tried to tell him why we were saving the money and where the money was going to, he said he didn’t give a damn and we got into an argument about it.

He said he was upset because if he didn’t go this year he’d miss the new exhibit he’d been wanting to see, and he accused my wife of doing this on purpose because “she already dosent like me” he said.

I admit I yelled at him and he started crying and for the last 24 hours, he hasn’t spoken to me. Am I the asshole?

Let's see what readers thought:

agghaet writes:

YTA and so is your new wife. In fact, she's downright selfish. All she cares about is the baby that's coming. Neither she nor you are considering the child that is already here. One that is hurting deeply first from the loss of his mother and now from his father's stupidity.

And yes, OP, you are beyond stupid. You're blind to the fact that your new wife is already putting her unborn child before your son. Who you have an obligation towards right here and now.

As he is your firstborn and shouldn't be shoved to the side for a baby that's not even born yet. So get your head out of your ass, tell your wife that she needs to shut up and do what's right by your son.

Because I can promise you that if you forgo this trip and ignore what's important to that poor child, the damage will be done. He will drop your sorry hide like a bad habit the moment he turns legal and he'll never look back. Then you can spend the rest of your life whining about how he never wants anything to do with you.

dgaahgu writes:

YTA YTA YTA OP! He's a 14 yr old who's not on drugs, didn't get his 16 yr old gf pregnant, isn't in a gang, he's a brilliant, intelligent child who happens to be the spitting image of her new husbands late wife.

They have a smart, exceptional young teen who they are literally throwing away. 1) Step mom hates his face & wants him gone. He doesn't care about his firstborn, he is throwing away a fine son and damaging another human being for the rest of his life so the new wife can put him out on the curb emotionally.

What a cold hearted piece of asshole both dad & new mom are; he went ballistic and for a whole 24 hrs they've closed their hearts off to him.

ahghau writes:

Yes, you are. You knew this trip was coming up and yet you started expanding the family without discussing the implications with your son beforehand. Now the new wife, whose primary concern is her child wants that money.

Your answer should have been, no, I am not springing that on him now. If you have to drive Uber, wash dumpsters to keep this promise this year, that's what you do. Next year, arrange a new, more affordable place with your son's input. Apologize profusely to your son.

And make sure that he knows he isn't being replaced with the new kid. Get counseling. And make sure your new wife knows that while you love your new child, that you are not going to disturb your son's life in such a fashion.

You are all he has. Either you all pull together as a unit or it will not work. He may not accept her as his mom, but she can't isolate him. YTA.

grouchawrher writes:

YTA. YTA. YTA. I can’t say this enough. The fact that you found a new woman and married her within a year of your wife’s passing is really suspect. Your child needed more time to absorb his mother’s loss before you sprang a new woman on him, and the fact that you took her along on a trip that should have solely been about him is unbelievably callous.

He needed that time with you to remember his recently deceased mother and you brought a new wife on the trip—one who made it all about herself and complained. Clearly, his needs are unimportant to you as long as you get what you want. You are NOT Father of the Year, not by a long shot.

I don’t even know that you can fix this. You can’t take back what you just did, even if you feel remorse, which I just don’t see here. You don’t really feel bad about what you just did to your son; you’re looking for reasons to justify the enormous hurt you just caused your child. The trip isn’t important to you, so therefore it’s not important. Your contempt for his tradition and need to continue it WITH YOU is palpable.

Your wife doesn’t care about your child, yet you married her anyway. She must really be good in bed for you to throw your child under the bus like this.

I’d tell you to start groveling to your son, but I know it’s pointless even having the conversation with you. If you cared about anyone beside yourself you wouldn’t be remarried with a baby on the way, you’d still be helping your child cope with his beloved mother’s death just two years after her death.

Unbelievable. Don’t expect a relationship with him going forward. He’s going to wait it out until he can get away from you and then you won’t see him for dust. You will fully deserve the rejection.

aghaguth writes:

NTA, but your wife is TA. You are not an ahole, but certainly a sucker. Your relationship with your wife should never exceed your relationship with your child in importance. Your kids come first.

You need to make your wife understand that. Your unborn kid has no such needs yet, and soon your teenage son will be old enough to make the trip himself. She needs to be patient.