Man's marriage takes a dark turn after he brings wife to a party with her college friends. AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this man unveils his wife's past at a party, he asks the internet:
"I told my wife to go to a party and now my marriage is ruined. AITA?"
I forced my wife to go to a party and now my marriage is ruined Me and my wife, Kara, have been married for 4 years now. We had an arranged marriage but so far we have had a good marriage and a strong bond. I love her and would do anything for her in the blink of an eye.
Before we got married, we decided that we will have our own individual space and we don't have to tell each other everything unless we feel the other person should definitely know. The arrangement went well for years. I didn't have much to hide or to tell. But she did.
When I met Kara for the first time, she was a very conservative person and a bit too devoted to religion. She told me that she wasn't a good person in the past but since then she has tried to be a good person living a moral life.
She told me some details about her past and how she was a wild girl in college and had several relationships and partners.
Even after we got married she would tell me some details about her past but I never pressed to get details. She always refers to her college self in the third person and whenever she talks about her past, she always says that her college self is a horrible person.
Since then, she has been more devoted to religion and is quite different from her previous self. I have seen some pictures and videos and Kara is nothing like that person today.
Kara doesn't have a lot of friends and mostly spends her time praying or with other religious stuff. I am the only person she shares her thoughts with. A few months ago, out of the blue, she got a call from her best friend from college, Renee.
I saw Kara light up after talking to Renee. Kara felt so happy after reconnecting with Renee and Renee invited her to a party at her place, Renee also called up their other friends from college.
Kara was conflicted about going to the party. I convinced her to go saying the worst that could happen is that she has a boring night. Kara asked me to come along with her. Even during the drive, I was thinking about getting some embarrassing and funny stories about my wife from her friends.
When we reached Renee's place, I realised why Kara was conflicted. Kara was dressed very conservatively, light makeup and very little jewellery. Her friends from college were the exact opposite, they were dressed like tweens going out to party all night.
The night started normally about the girls sharing funny tales, but the stories quickly became raunchy and then horrifying. I found out Kara and Renee were the leaders of a group of mean girls. They slept with multiple people, drank and did dr&gs and on occasions ruined people's lives.
Kara stepped away to go to the bathroom when the group turned to me and told me stories about my wife. Renee talked about Kara sleeping with most of the professors at their college (which I did know about, but wasn't aware the number was that high).
Renee purposely told me about how Kara and Renee systematically gaslight a woman into believing that she is a lesbian and ruined her marriage because her husband had rejected Kara's advances. And all the girls found this incident to be funny.
I wanted to leave but I couldn't find Kara. I went to the bathroom to look for her and found her curled up in a corner crying. I picked her up and left immediately. The entire drive back Kara was sobbing and kept repeating "I am sorry".
She was inconsolable for days and then she threw herself into religion hard. She started praying for 6-8 hours every day, her daily prayers and rituals usually took 2 hours. I thought that giving her space would help her heal and she would talk to me whenever she is ready.
We haven't talked much since then. She still cuddles up in bed but doesn't say anything. Last week she told me that she has decided to be celibate for the rest of her life to repent for her former sins. She asked for my support and apologized for springing it on me. She has told me to leave her if I can't live a celibate life with her.
I have tried talking to her about trying therapy but she is adamant on her plan. I ruined my near perfect life by making her to go to that party. AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
sammagramma5 writes:
NTA. She has "escaped" her past by adopting a new life of religious devotion. But she hasn't made spiritual peace with her past, which means that her devotion is not true atonement. She is trying to move from one behavior to another that she feels will be beneficial, without dealing with her self-hatred.
Unfortunately, that the girls at the party had not outgrown the laughter about doing horrid things, tells me that she's alone in wanting to change, and that's terrifying.
She needs therapy. Diving into 12 hours of prayer won't heal without introspection that can be guided in a healthy way. And most of all, she is asking God to forgive her, when she can't forgive herself. This just never ends well. She needs to make peace with who she was.
oldweirdo writes:
Hey OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this. That's awful. And thanks for being a good dude trying to fix it. From your comments, it appears that you know, and her psych friend know, that she needs some serious therapy.
Observation: It was an arranged marriage, and she's very religious (perhaps trying to repent).
Most cultures that I know of that have arranged marriages tend to place the husband at the head of the family, and while there are discussions and in practice it's fairly equal input, when it comes right down to it, the husband can claim "I'm the husband, and this is what must be done."
Question: Now as a female, I would NOT NORMALLY suggest this for consideration, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Her health may be worth more than your marriage.
What would be the result if you said "Okay, here's the deal. Not negotiable. I'm the husband, and you will go to therapy with a therapist recommended by (psych friend) for at least 6 months. That's simply how it will be." (or whatever milestone you and the psych friend think is good)? Could that get her to go?
texastica writes:
Hey op a lot of people like your wife has suffered through something called self hurt and self reflection.
I believe that your wife should be going to a therapist and talking about her past, and it seems like you do and truly care and love her, but it just seems like her self reflection has turned into a self-hate that she cannot forgive herself for the horrible things that she has done.
I do not know which religion that she follows but I hope that she does understand that even if she has done horrible things she could growth and learn from it.
Not just you as her husband but you as a person with empathy I believe that you should talk to Her and give her advice about self growth rather than self-destruction.
I think a big step from this is that you should block everyone from her life that has made her into a bad person, and you should force her as well to block her past friends and the past people who make her feel this terrible.
I believe that she loves you, but she hates herself so much that she believes that she doesn’t deserve any ounce of happiness, even marriage with you.
Many people go through self reflection and turn it into self-hate and believe that they don’t deserve any sort of happiness I believe that your wife believes that she doesn’t deserve you because of the things that she has done.
You should just remind her that not everyone is perfect and what she did was bad we all have our own flaws , and maybe you should also be opening up about shitty things that you have done in the past and how you’ve grown from that maybe could help her understand that not everyone is perfect even the person that she’s married to.
Maybe even suggest slowly to your wife that if she truly wants to atone for the things that she has done, she should talk to the people that she has ruined.
This doesn’t really work out for everyone but if she truly feel sad and regretful for the things that she has done to other people, she should try to talk to them or she should try to go into support therapy groups with the same categories of people that she has harmed.
flst6 writes:
Honestly this sounds like a trauma response. She needs therapy. Even the most pious people believe in living their life with faith. K is withdrawing completely from life.
Something happened. Something she hasn’t shared with you or that friend group. On the outside it might not even be something we think of as so bad, but something flipped the switch in her mind and turned all of those experiences into trauma.
I would encourage therapy for her (find a therapist who will make space for her religion, but not a faith counselor who she would fear judgement from), but also therapy for both of you where she can safely open up over time and communicate in a safe space without fearing judgement or reaction.
compo7746 writes:
I feel I know what religion you follow, I’m picking up the vibe it’s mine as well. Your wife is creating a wall, she doesn’t want therapy or help bc she doesn’t believe she deserves it. She would rather be miserable bc it’s all she deserves.
She may even push you to leave her bc she doesn’t think she deserves you. You need to try and keep talking over her to break through. She uses religion, use it back at her. Remind her how merciful God is.
Brush up yourself and use these examples and show her. How he has forgiven the unforgivable based one kind action alone. Be it the most heinous sin, God is the Almighty and most merciful. Him and him alone knows what is in our hearts. He understand hers, and he feels her true repentance.
Tell her not to allow the devil to whisper into her head, bc he is the one telling her she is a bad person. If I misunderstood your religion and I’m wrong, please forgive me. But perhaps the same method would work with any religion. Use her method on her. If you can break through only a little try to talk about therapy again.
Bc regardless of how much she prays and repents it’s not enough. The same way when we are physically Ill we cannot pray the disease away. We were given the ability to create these amazing worldly things like medicine.
Same with depression and anxiety and all other mental things, we require outside intervention to get better. Good wants her healthy. Again if I assumed incorrectly, I’m sorry. But you are doing a good thing staying by her side. I hope you both pull through.
aviava65 writes:
Firstly You didnt force her to go to the party You didnt ruin anything. This situation isnt your fault This situation isnt your wifes fault There is no fault here There is no blame. There is guilt and a lack of ability to cope with the guilt and the situation.
Youre right that your wife needs therapy but if she refuses thats out. She needs help to deal with the guilt she feels for what she did in the past and to stop punishing herself.
Can you find a religious leader that she and you trust that would guide her yo forgiveness and not focus on shame and punishment? She needs to get rid of the guilt and understand she cant change what was.
If she needs to do penance then self flagellation is in itself pointless and selfish. If she needs to make amends then she should find a positive way...help others. Perhaps you can get this through to her and help her find something that by helping others could heal her.
She cant change the fact she hurt people in the past but she can help people now She may have been someone shes not proud of in the past but she chose to change and be a person she feels is a better person.
Youre both drowning in negativity and can only save yourselves if you pull together towards positive actions and thoughts. It will take time though but i feel you can to this.
bababat writes:
I know it’s hard right now, but give her some time too. She’s having an emotional breakdown and is having a hard time processing all that has happened. This seems like the most rational decision to her and everything else is too overwhelming. Give her some time, respect her boundary, and show her all the love and affection you can.
After a few weeks she will most likely calm down and be able to talk about some of it without getting overly upset. When she’s calmer you’ll be able to bring up therapy and other ideas to help her feel better. Try to frame therapy as an addition to her celibacy, not a replacement.
In a weird way, the celibacy is like a security blanket that is preventing her from winning and hurting people ever again. I’d also try to find a therapist who’s familiar with your religion but also open minded and won’t just shame her for her past choices.
From the little bit of your life that I’ve read, it sounds like your marriage is still savable. Your wife just needs help but she might not be quite ready yet. Give her some time and all the support you can.
And now, OP's 1st update:
Last night when we got into bed, I told her "I love you and I will wait for you to be ready for me". At the time, I wasn't even sure what I meant, I just had to talk to her. Her eyes swelled up with tears, I can tell she wanted to wail and scream but was holding back.
She grabbed me and didn't want to let go. She whispered "I love you". We held each other for the rest of the night.
In the morning, I asked if she would just talk to a therapist. I assured her I would try to support her decisions either way. She agreed and kissed me. We hadn't kissed in almost two months. I thought my wife was back.
But a few minutes later she texted me from the kitchen "My celibacy doesn't have to mean yours. You are free to leave me. If you want to stay, I will not interfere with your physical needs"
It killed me reading the text. We haven't said a word to each other since then.
And now, OP's 2nd update:
Kara started therapy thanks to the efforts of some members of her religious group. She will need a lot of time and I don't know if I will ever get my wife back.
Everyone keeps telling me that she will get better soon but I am not sure if she would still be my wife when she does. Even if she does come back, I have heard things about her past that make it very hard for us to just continue our relationship. Some details make me feel that Kara doesn't deserve happiness.
For now I will support her to help with her recovery but I am not sure what happens after.