Man finds out he has a newborn on New Year's Day, confronts 'crazy ex-gf' about 'secret baby.' AITA? 3 MAJOR UPDATES.
When this man is shocked that his GF was pregnant with his child and hid it from him, he asks Reddit:
"My daughter was born on New Year’s Day and I just found out. I confronted my crazy ex. AITA?"
My ex-girlfriend gave birth to my daughter on New Year’s Day and didn’t inform me until today. I’m so pissed off that she would do something like that to me. I had asked her to please let me know when she went into labor so I could do my best to get there asap. We broke up before she told me she was pregnant and we now live in different states.
My previous posts detail a lot of the backstory, but basically she wanted to place the baby for adoption and I ultimately decided that I wanted to keep the baby. She has maintained that she doesn’t want to be a parent and has not been planning to be involved.
I have been preparing to be a single parent for the past several months, with the understanding that there was a chance that she might change her mind and want to be involved with our daughter.
I told her no matter what, I wanted to be involved with raising my child and whether she changed her mind or not, I was going to be involved. Even after we broke up, our relationship was good for the first part of her pregnancy.
We communicated regularly and she wanted to involve me in the adoption process and all of that. As soon as I told her that I wasn’t going to consent to an adoption she turned cold (and I get it - I ruined her plans).
She has been giving me very brief updates, basically just to let me know everything was fine.
We had one big long conversation and she seemed to accept my decision, even though she was still upset about it, and made me promise that I’d give our baby all of these things she really wanted her child to have in life. I thought things seemed good or better after that.
She even told me where she was at over the holidays, in case something happened.
She already told me she didn’t want me in the delivery room and I didn’t fight that. I was disappointed at the idea that I wouldn’t see my daughter being born, but in the grand scheme of things it was something I could live with. She told me she’d tell me when she went to the hospital so I could prepare.
Today she sent me a picture and said our daughter was born on New Year’s Day. She wasn’t due until the end of January, but she is healthy and only spent one extra day in the hospital.
The baby went home with my ex-gf and her parents. She said it’s only fair that she got a few days with her before I knew, since I’m taking our daughter away forever.
I’ve told her that if she changed her mind I would rearrange my life (job, home, etc.) because I’m not going to live states away from my child. She’s trying to act as if I’m the bad guy taking her baby away now.
I don’t feel prepared yet. I mean, I felt like there was nothing else I could do to prepare and it was just a waiting game, but now I feel like I really need the extra few weeks. I wish somebody could just knock me out with a sedative until my flight out there because I’m just buzzing like crazy with all the emotions.
My mom was supposed to come with me, since I plan to stay there for a few days before traveling back home, but due to the unexpected timing my sister is coming with me.
I just have a bad feeling about how dealing with my ex will be moving forward. I have a lawyer and already have things in motion to protect myself and my daughter but I had just really hoped that things could be amicable between us. I feel like I’ve done nothing but try to be nice and understanding every step of the way.
Before we provide you with OP's absolutely insane updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
infocup7 writes:
For the sake of the relationship and baby. Let it go. Don't even bring it up. Tell her thank you for delivering such a beautiful baby and that you are glad they are both okay. Be happy and enjoy holding your kid.
After you land text/call her and ask her if there is anything you and your sister can bring her (lunch, diapers, anything she needs for the next few days). After a few days then have the conversation about what the new plans are with either her being involved with the baby or you taking the baby with you.
Ask her what she wants. Don't have a huge fight it will make things worse. If she is stuck on adopting her out still then tell her you already made arrangements to take her and call your lawyer.
Don't throw the lawyer in her face. Make sure your sister doesn't overstep or be mean to the mother of your child and make things worse. Congratulations on your new little one. Life is about your child now. Keep that in mind. Good luck.
sunflower76 writes:
Hi OP. If the baby was a whole month early then she wasn't just "early", she was premature. Birth is a huge thing for a person to go through (many people literally rip their pelvic floor in the process, and the whole thing is painful and often scary) and a prem baby adds more layers to that.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that with childbirth there's a lot happening, and it can be very overwhelming. She would have been absolutely exhausted afterwards, regardless of how her labour went.
Babies come on their own time, and when they decide "it's time", it starts the clock on a marathon for the person birthing the baby.
All that's to say, it really isn't too surprising that your ex didn't message you when she went into labour (I'm assuming she went into labour, as opposed to suddenly being induced if there were health complications).
The time immediately postpartum is also really full-on. Your daughter will be needing to be fed every 2-4hrs, and your ex will be doing that 24/7 whilst also recovering from a huge medical event. She probably just needed a moment to breathe, and process everything, before contacting you.
So, as a parent, my advice would be to forgive your ex, move on, and instead focus on being present in this time where your daughter has newly entered the world.
In the grand scheme of things the week you've missed won't be a deal breaker, and your ex will be going through (what's likely to be) an incredibly difficult process of saying goodbye to this little girl she's spent the last 8 months growing, and feeling kick inside her.
Even though she wanted to give this baby up, it'll probably still be a hard thing to do. So, give her some grace, make sure you thank her for everything that she's done and sacrificed to bring this baby into the world, take in every moment of meeting your daughter, and take some time together with your ex to marvel at the little life you both created.
All the best to all three of you, and goodluck. Dad's can experience postpartum depression/anxiety as well, so make sure to reach out for help when you need it, and look after yourself as well as your daughter.
Then, OP provides this initial update:
I’ve received many private messages asking me for an update and I’m sorry that I haven’t responded to most of them. I’ve had a lot going on and my hands full since meeting my newborn daughter last month.
I’ve only been at home with her for a few days and am still getting settled in here. During the second week of January my sister and I travelled out to where my ex-girlfriend lives and I met my newborn daughter for the first time.
It was awkward to say the least, with her whole family staring at me and silently shooting daggers at me. I felt like a jerk, but had to remind myself that I’m not taking our daughter away from her mother.
She is choosing to not be directly involved. I have told her that I understand if she changes her mind. I’ve left the door open for her. It’s just not a situation you really prepare for.
I was so happy to meet my daughter and all of these people staring at me were so sad. So I sort of hung around there for a little while because it felt wrong to just take the baby and leave.
I was waiting for a queue from my ex to indicate she was ready and eventually she told me to please leave, but that she would want to see her again before I left town. I rented an air bnb because I planned to be there for a few weeks.
Because I wasn’t able to be at the hospital within 72 hours of the birth to fill out all of the appropriate paperwork as originally planned, she and I had to go to the local health department to file a paternity affidavit.
She willingly went and signed everything. The baby’s last name will now officially be changed to mine, but my ex picked out the first and middle names and I chose not to argue.
As far as custody goes, the paternity affidavit allowed us to agree to share joint legal custody. I had to submit to a court approved paternity test as part of that, no big deal. She does not actually want joint legal custody.
She wants to give me full legal and physical custody, but the form only allows us to officially establish joint legal custody. She has full physical custody because that’s just how the law works there.
I was already aware that this would be the case and my lawyer is working on filing the appropriate forms in court to amend everything. We both want me to have physical custody since I will be the primary caregiver. I am opening a court case. I’ve explained the steps we have to take and she understands.
This is how the process works there and even though we’re in agreement right now, nothing is legally enforceable until there is a court ruling. At this time, she’s in agreement and claims that she doesn’t plan to fight it.
She just wants to get it over with. I told her that she may want to think about it, because it feels like she is just trying to rip the bandaid off as fast as she can right now.
I know sharing legal custody could really backfire on me but I just want her to feel sure. I got the sense that she wasn’t sure but was just trying to follow through with a complete break.
I feel like I’m on thin ice right now. All I have is a signed, notarized letter of consent to take my daughter out of state, so I’m anxious to get all official legal proceedings done. I don’t think I’ll be able to relax fully until then.
The baby herself? She’s perfect. She’s so small. Everyone warned me not to get too many newborn size clothes because she’d grow out so quickly, but the newborn clothes are still a little big.
I think her features are becoming more noticeable now, but the only trace of me that I sort of see is her eyes. I look at her and it’s like my heart just wants to explode.
She’s the tiniest, cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life and this is my kid? It still doesn’t feel real. I’m still getting used to saying “my daughter” out loud when I have to call to make appointments. I think she has colic.
During the early part of the day she seems happy and able to nap and doesn’t cry a ton, but around dinner time she starts screaming and will cry almost nonstop for hours. She spews vomit like you wouldn’t believe.
The only thing that semi soothes her is being out in the stroller and rolled back and forth over and over. She was just switched over to a special formula but I think it’s too soon to know if it’ll make a difference. I had colic too apparently.
A year ago, I never would have imagined any of this. It almost feels like I’m watching somebody else from the outside.
Then, OP offers this next update:
I’m not upset that she headed home with the baby. Where else would I expect her to go?
I’m upset that she’s told me repeatedly that she would inform me when she was in labor so I’d at least be aware. Instead, she informed me that our daughter was born nearly a week after the fact.
This has nothing to do with inconvenience. I don’t feel inconvenienced. I’m not upset that the baby is here now, it’s just very real and very anxiety inducing. I’m about to bring a newborn home and be a single parent for the foreseeable future. I chose that, but aren’t I still allowed a moment or two of panic now that it’s really about to happen?
I knew that the due date was just an estimate and things could happen sooner or later, but everyone kept telling me if anything the baby would probably come late. I guess I let myself take comfort in that, feeling like I still had more time.
Realistically, I was never going to feel ready for this, even if I had two more years to prepare myself.
I did not and would not have stopped her from having an abortion. I didn’t force her to continue the pregnancy.
I think she wanted an abortion (she hasn’t said that directly), but was pressured into not doing it by her family. By the time she told me she was pregnant she had already decided on adoption.
I need to establish paternity. We already had a prenatal paternity test done, but it’s not viable in court. She agreed to have it done, which shocked me.
She previously agreed to sign a certificate of paternity document which would legally establish me as the father - the plan was to sign it at the hospital so that I would immediately be added to the birth certificate.
Obviously that didn’t happen. We can still sign it once I’m there, but I don’t know if she’ll stick to her word and make it that easy for me.
She told me “you can come get her next week.” It sounded like she was telling me my new puppy was ready to go home. So, she hasn’t said anything about her feelings changing, but I won’t be shocked if she changes her tune once I get there. I’m worried about it. It’s not that I don’t want her to be involved.
If her feelings have changed, that’s understandable. That’d actually be more understandable to me. I just hope it doesn’t turn into a bunch of drama or her trying to keep the baby from me or anything like that.
If she wants to parent the baby now, I just want to be equally involved and not excluded. I’m also worried that she might still not want to be a a parent, but she will pretend to want that to please her parents. Her parents seem to have a lot of influence over her.
Then, OP offers his final update. This time, his GF wants to take drastic action.
Posting this as an update because my original post received so many comments that it’s hard to really follow everything there anymore.
I was really surprised by how many people responded and honestly, the advice was all over the place and admittedly some of it got me pretty worked up. I think it really helped hearing some unbiased thoughts of my situation though.
There’s no huge update really. I’ve decided that just sitting here passively and not saying anything won’t get me anywhere.
My ex and I are in regular communication. We don’t talk every day but we text every few days. She told me she can’t find any adoptive parents that feel right yet. She really wants me to start looking at the stuff the adoption agency has sent.
She asked if I had looked and I told her I skimmed some stuff but it doesn’t really make me feel good. That was my opening to tell her I’m really not sure how I feel about adoption and I’m having second thoughts regarding my own desire to parent my child or not.
She asked me what I was really trying to say and I tried to communicate that I’m not saying she should keep the baby and be a parent right now, I understand why this is the best decision for her, but I’m not sure if it’s the best decision for me.
She said “What? You’re going to be a single dad? Hahahaha.” I told her maybe, it’s not that crazy. She said it is crazy and “Don’t do this to me.” She basically feels like if I do that, even if I don’t hold it against her, she’s still legally the mom and suddenly she’ll be this horrible deadbeat parent who isn’t involved with her child at all.
By placing the baby with another family, she breaks the legal ties and she doesn’t have to feel like she’s quite as shitty of a person.
Even my own mom is unsure of how to feel about what I’m considering it, but she would support me. She understands my feelings about not wanting my child to be raised by other people, but worries I’m biting off more than I can chew.
She still support me 100%. She thinks it’s crazy but she also thinks I can do it if it’s what I want.I admittedly cried like a baby about it to my mom and in true mom fashion she thinks I need to “follow my heart.”