Man pays for stepdaughter's wedding instead of giving bio daughter money for college. AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for paying for my stepdaughter's wedding instead giving my daughter more college money?"

I (51M) have 2 kids (25F, 19F) with my ex, and 2 stepkids (23F, 21M) from my current marriage. 25F started college quite a few years ago, and I had a college fund. She got into an Ivy school and received a small % in financial aid (didn't qualify for more).

She's now completing her masters from the same school, and doing a paid internship with a big organization. 25F still has some student loans left. 23F is getting married next year and I'm contributing a decent amount to the wedding. I have a good income and also a decent amount of savings.

Bottom line is that 25F found out I was paying for part of the wedding and she's been pretty upset saying that I could've used some of that money to help her out.

I asked her if she's struggling with managing everything, she said no but that it isn't fair to her or 19F that I'm spending so much on 23F's wedding. She says it seems like I 'love them more.' I said that I already contributed to her college fund, and my other daughter got a full ride to her school. This has nothing to do with any of that.

She got kind of angry with me and I know that she also had a bit of an argument with 23F about it. Even 19F got involved, saying that I shouldn't be 'throwing all this money' for this wedding. AITA?

Let's find out.

daahi asks flat out:

How much did you contribute to wedding versus to college fund? Also, does 25F expect you to pay for her wedding (I'm assuming she's not married yet) on top of whether you pay for her loans?

OP replies with this small update:

25F isn't married yet but she very recently got engaged, they're not planning to get married for another couple of years. I've already said that whenever they do get married, I won't be financially contributing.

Me and her fiance don't really see eye to eye on most things, and importantly they're well off (he passed his bar exam last year, got hired immediately and already makes good money - my daughter's internship pays well now, she also has a lot of potential career growth with her education/experience).

My daughter knows and accepted it. My stepdaughter and her fiance are having a large scale wedding, and they could use some help as I can afford to.

He's argumentative and sort of thinks he's above everyone. There are a few things in general, one big incident I remember was at a family Christmas party last year. I wasn't there when it happened but heard it from my wife later, wife's sister joked with him that if he ends up alone, her daughter's single or something.

He got really mad at that and he and my daughter ended up leaving earlier. My wife's sister was obviously upset and embarrassed, and so was my wife (I think he overreacted). So things like this.

Readers weighed in on Update:

ddghhwe writes:

After reading your comments and understanding that you are not only paying more for your stepdaughter's wedding than you have to either bio kids college funds...

...are withholding the 19yo's access to her college fund, and will not contribute anything to your 25yo's wedding because you 'don't see eye to eye' with her fiance and he 'already makes enough' (without any consideration also for how much of his income is going to his own student loans)

YTA. Majorly so. There isn't any equitable treatment amongst your children. You are creating issues between your daughters that may not have been there otherwise. And you're showing blatant favoritism.

You should really check yourself and your priorities - is your daughter marrying someone you personally dislike, even though he's got his shit together and is decent to her, really worth tanking your relationship?

Also double YTA because you left out some seriously important info in your initial post to gain sympathy points by misleading commenters.

aghapp writes:

NTA - I don't get all the weird "step-kid" stuff people are on - I grew up in a mixed family and my dad always made it very clear he loves us all equally, and even has shocker different ways he helps each of us, but none of us have felt like he "favorites" the others.

You already helped your older daughter with her college. She even admitted she doesn't actually NEED more money. You're contributing to your stepdaughters wedding, good on you. Even if it is "a little more money," it's your money and none of your children are entitled to it.

You're doing these things out of love, it's not an obligation. I can't imagine, even if my parents came from means, feeling like I was entitled to their money (even though I guess I probably don't feel that way because we just made it by with no extra, idk what it's like to have a college fund, or down payment on a house given to me etc.,)

It seems like a lot of people are pointing out too how you are "punishing" the older daughter for having a fiance you don't like. Family systems are complicated. Giving money is tantamount to giving your blessing, and I understand if you're not willing to do that.

Plus as OP mentioned, they're both well-off. Older daughter got an education on daddy's dime, now the younger one is getting her dream wedding. I don't really think there is anything wrong with that.

My dad has already said he'd like to leave the house he built to his only son (40m), his eldest from his first marriage. But he wants to leave pieces of land to me (his only other bio child, 30f) and my sisters (41 and 39). None of this have a problem with that.

My 39 year old sister has learning disabilities and has lived at home her whole life, she does a lot around the house and helps with various bills but most of the support still comes from my parents.

My parents take my oldest sisters children way more than they take mine (they're older). We're still all a family and who cares who gets what? Maybe you're family needs some therapy if this is such a big point of contention for your daughter's? I could just never imagine it.

vasthegg writes:

YTA. Do not be shocked that your biokids go low contact. You are cutting of wedding help because your biodaughter did not pick a guy you like. So if you liked him but he treated her like crap that's okay. Cause you like him. For the love of God wake up. Grow up. Something.

You child found someone that from one comment stands up for your kid. Loves her. Will be able to give her a good life. But no she did not pick what u liked so no big wedding for her.

Do not ignore all the YTA on this or you might have to ask yourself in a few years why you never see her and her family. Why you are the last to get news of her life.

But hey no worry I am sure the man at her side will help her since her own father seems to put rules as in I have to like who you marry. One would think the help would be for your daughter. Not her man. But hey that's just my thinking.

totaladh writes:

Nta. I want to know how many people are on here parents. It’s hard thru life to make sure everything is exactly even. I can see if it like 10k difference being upset but if you’re talk a couple grand. That is being petty. I can’t imagine having 4 kids and at Christmas you ,are sure they all get 500 dollars exactly in gifts.

Not a dollar more. Then They buy 4 cars and they have to hunt to make sure all cars cost exactly the same and not a dollar more. Then they help with 4 down payment but they all better be the same and not a dollar more. Then the college fund better not be a dollar more. Than the weddings not a dollar more.

That just sounds not very realistic and frankly exhausting,if one of the children are calculating their worth and Love someone else because they got a dollar more, than something else in the relationship needs to be addressed as to why they feel that way.

agvhap5 writes:

Based on your initial post NTA, but if you have purposely left out important info then YTA. No one can tell you what to do with your money, but take it from my parents what they have helped us with has been equal between siblings.

The have helped us all roughly about the same money wise, and no I don't expect it either. I have told my parents that when they retire if they want to spend up all their money, then go ahead. I am not entitled to any of their money and to be honest I enjoy watching my parents enjoy their lives.

Remember that all your children are important and treat them each the same. Favoritism among siblings sucks! I watched my poor husband have to deal with that and I hate to see him hurting from it.