Man plans to break up with girlfriend of 8 months after discovering he was a 'dare-date.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITA for wanting to break up with my girlfriend because I was a 'dare-date?'"

I'm really stuck and need some advice before I potentially nuke what has been so far, a good eight month relationship. So for a quick background. My GF (24F) and I (27M) have been dating for around eight months now. I first met her at a funeral of all places. I wasn't close to the deceased (they were a friend's uncle, I was just along to keep him company).

In any case I wasn't particularly sad-looking. I was talking with a family friend and smiling, which she noticed and made a pretty morbid joke asking if I put him in the casket. It was so blunt I just sort-of snort/laughed and we got to chatting all afternoon, ending up with her number in my phone by the end of it.

She was funny, witty, pretty and a genuinely fun girl to be around. So of course I took a chance and asked her out, which she accepted rather eagerly. My ego was through the roof at that, little did I know...I came home a little earlier from work last night (I was covering a shift and the bloke I was covering came in anyway, so they didn't need me for eight hours.)

Anyway I came home earlier than planned and overheard my GF laughing with someone on her phone. I was about to surprise her with a little jump-scare when she said and I quote "I never meant for this whole thing with BF to last so long. I'd never normally date someone like him."

She spotted me shortly after saying that, I admit, I made a noise I can't even begin to explain and she heard me. I'd never seen someone go that pale before. She was all wide teary-eyes and quivering lips.

GF then spent the next hour or so confessing that she never planned to date me, but once her friends found out she'd given me her number, they found a pic of me online and apparently found me so hilariously unattractive that GF just HAD to fake-date me for a week to give me "hope." I wish I was joking. Her friends and apparently GF are all still stuck in their mean-girl high school phase.

GF agreed but I guess apparently '"forgot?" about it because we've been dating for eight months, not one week. She told me that she was stupid for agreeing with it and that I was a really good bloke, and that she really did love me but she never expected to actually feel that way about me.

Why? Because I'm not her "usual type of guy." When I asked her to elaborate, she mumbled that she didn't initially find me attractive at all, but after dating for a few weeks she stopped caring about my looks.

I admit I sort of lost my temper here and called her an immature waste of my time. I told her I wished she'd just dumped me a week into dating because to find all this out eight months in, when I cared about her, LOVED her was Fing foul! I'm staying with my mom at the moment because I need space to think and vent. Would I be T/A if I dumped GF for this?

EDIT:

So I've turned my phone back on and it's a mess of texts, voicemails and missed calls. I've only listened to a couple but she's absolutely sobbing her heart out and pleading for me to come home so she can explain. Nothing from her friends mind you, just her. Says it all really. No idea what to do, but now I feel like rubbish.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

your-yogurt said:

NTA. even if you didn't care about the "joke" part of it, she didn't go out with you because she wanted to, but was pushed by her friends. and then what? did she give a play by play after your first date to said friends?

Did she share your intimate moments with the friends? was your first kiss also a joke? Was she hesitate to kiss you cause of the joke? did she even want to kiss you? It's thoughts like that would drive me nuts cause at what point did her joke turn into real affection? or was she cringing and flinching for those first few dates?

How can you be with someone who thought you were "gross" for...how long? Weeks? days? NTA.

montauk6 said:

NTA, sorry things ended up like this. But, damn, it's really bizarre. I mean, you're there at the funeral, chatting with your friend, SHE approaches you and breaks the ice. Why would she make the first move, so to speak, if you were so hideous? Then you two find yourselves engaged in conversation, so there was a rapport.

Finally, she gives YOU her number, and you start dating. I'm wondering... hmm... maybe she was and HAS BEEN into you. But her idiot friends started clowning her that she succumbed to the peer pressure so that she wouldn't lose favor with them, if that makes any sense. She's still at fault, don't get me wrong. This is not middle school after all, y'all are some grown folks.

The reason for this theory is first-hand experience. I remember this girl in my 7th grade science class whom all the guys thought was ugly but I found her incredibly hot (as much as a 7th grade boy could). But my shyness on top of my cowardice in getting taunted about it, I didn't even try.

I'm just saying that you're right to be offended and want to drop the whole thing but maybe you can have a no-nonsense heart-to-heart with her and ask her the questions I suggested (you came to me, why? etc.). Good luck with it, sir

IvyNash said:

Honestly you are never the ahole for breaking up a relationship, because if the feelings for you aren't there anymore and you do not want to be with a person, there's no point in continuing. That being said, dating someone as a joke/prank/dare is always an ahole move, your feelings are valid and NTA.

junegonzalvo said:

NTA. What she did was cruel and immature, and it’s completely valid to feel hurt and betrayed. Starting a relationship as a dare or a joke is messed up, and the fact that she kept this from you for eight months makes it even worse.

Sure, she might have developed real feelings for you over time, but that doesn’t erase how it all began. You deserve someone who values you from the start, not someone who had to “get over” your looks or whatever. Take your time to process, but don’t feel guilty for wanting to end things. You’re not rubbish, she’s the one who messed up.

Efficient_Win8604 said:

NTA - sounds like the plot to a really bad Rom-Com. Unattractive guy meets hot chick at a funeral and hit it off. Falls in love only to find the date was a dare. Hot chick falls for guy but the truth comes out…you get to finish the story however you like.

InevitableMountain15 said:

NTA she and her friends are awful. You've been the punch line in their mean jokes for eight months! Breaking up is the right choice.

FIRST UPDATE:

So I eventually turned my phone back on after making the original post and was bombarded with voicemails and texts and whatnot. I only listened to a couple and GF was sobbing her heart out on all of them, more or less begging me to come home and let her explain.

To be fair I didn't really have much choice but to eventually go back home anyway, it's a house-share and I pay rent to live there. Plus my own mom was basically nudging me back out to "Let GF explain herself."

So I went back home the next day and she pretty much tore out of her room and threw herself at me. She was sobbing and trying to talk but kept crying too hard between her words to sound coherent.

I know I should've probably been angrier but I hate seeing her cry. And she wasn't just crying, she was sobbing so hard she was having trouble breathing at a few points. Eventually I got her to sit down and asked her to explain exactly why I should stay with a woman who not only got with me as a dare but also still laughed about it with her vapid friends eight months on.

A lot was said and to summarize it so this update doesn't take all night, she more of less said this. Fake names for her friends and I'm likely paraphrasing but I've spent about forty minutes trying to remember it exactly, so this is the gist of it -

GF - "I didn't mean to ask you out on a dare, I wanted to date you before they even knew about you. I gave you my number first remember? When Stacy and Tina found out I gave you my number, they looked you up on Facebook and found it hilarious that you were even trying with me. So they got this stupid dare thing and told me to do it to give 'all uglies in the world hope'."

Me - "Wow, real mature. You do remember what you said on the phone to whoever it was, right? That you never meant for us to last this long? You told me I wasn't your type? What's your type GF? Not me right? Too ugly for you."

GF - "Stop saying that! You're not ugly. You're just not the type of bloke I'd have picked to date long term. But I was wrong babe. Look at us, we've lasted nearly nine months! I love you so much, I really do! How can I prove it to you? How?"

Me - "I don't know GF. I love you too. But all I can think about is you laughing about me behind my back to them. How can I trust you anymore?"

GF - "I wasn't meaningfully laughing at you! I swear I wasn't. I just don't know how to handle Tina any other way. She's always been like this. And I just go along with it to keep the peace."

Me - "So you'd rather keep the peace then stand up for me? Is that what you're saying?"

GF - "You're twisting my words babe."

Me - "No I'm not. God, why should I stay with you GF? Seriously, give me a reason? You laugh behind my back. You dated me on a dare given to you by Tina and Stacy, right? And you're still friends with them? You chose them and their cruelty over us and what we have?"

GF - "We've been friends for years though!"

Me - "I give up."

At this point it was just a back and forth of me trying to walk away and her professing her love and defending her friendship with the wonder twins while trying to make me sit back down.

I don't know guys. I'm back home, she's constantly trying to have another talk. I'm tired. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Advice would be wonderful, because I'm very tempted to just pack it in.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the first update:

Amaranthim said:

You deserve better, OP.

WeaselPhontom said:

I'd leave that relationship, she is wrong, her friends are wrong and instead of owning it still deflecting. I'd plan an exit strategy.

OstrichWide said:

RUN DON'T WALK, RUN AWAY!

LB7154 said:

Obviously NTA. I doubt I would be able to stay in your place. I would always doubt what her motives would be. But in my opinion if she isn’t willing to go absolutely NO CONTACT with those women then she is choosing them over you and you have your answer. To me it would mean all this has be histrionics and not actually about not wanting to lose you. I mean what is she willing to do to make you stay with her?

Kjmuw said:

NTA. GF values these friendships. I can imagine that had she hooked up with an Adonis, she would come home to find one of these best friends hooking up with that Adonis. Maturity is learning what matters, and learning to keep close to you only those people who bring out the best in you, not the worst.

deepsleepsheepmeep said:

NTA. She is not mature enough for a relationship and she has bad friends. The company she keeps says a lot about her character (or lack of character). You should move on. You deserve better.

FINAL UPDATE:

I'll be brief with this because frankly I'm done with it all. I tried one last time to get any sort of sense from GF. I sat GF down and told her that I'm hurt and beyond disappointed that she didn't have the spine to stand up to her friends. That she'd rather "Keep the peace" over defending the man she repeatedly claims to love. GF got angry and told me I was putting her in a position she couldn't possibly "win."

If she had a go at her friends, she'd lose them but keep me. But if she refused, she'd keep them but likely lose me. She told me she genuinely didn't know what the f to do. I said that as long as she's enabling Tina and Stacy's crappy personalities, she'll never stop being their doormat. She just went quiet at that point, said it was only Tina and then just kinda shrugged.

So I told her that the fact she was even struggling to make a choice between them and defending our relationship was enough of an answer for me. I told her that while I'm not the most attractive bloke, her and her friends were far uglier than I could ever be and I deserved better.

So I broke up with her. It was messy, she got physical. Not violent, just grabbing onto me really tight and trying to kiss me while offering sex. She was still full on ugly-crying too. It was crazy, I've seen her cry and get mad, but I've never seen her like THAT before. It genuinely disturbed me. I left and I'm back at my mom's for a bit.

Now I know I'm not a kid anymore, I'm 27. But my mom and I have always had a really good relationship so I told her everything. She listened and didn't interrupt until I was finished. And then she pretty much said what a lot of you told me.

She told me I'm handsome (Mom's always say that though). She told me that GF is a silly girl who'll never have any kind of meaningful relationship as long as she lets her friends bully her around.

And then she told me that I'm young and I'll find someone who'll love me so much that she'll fight tooth and nail to defend me. I won't lie. I cried a bit. It felt good to feel worth something for once. I didn't really realize how little I felt that way with GF until that conversation with mom.

She even made me apple crumble (my comfort food). My younger brother (20M) still lives with her too, he's been kicking my butt at chess. Bloke's a wizard, I swear. Mom and I had a long chat about my living arrangements and have decided that I'm going to move back in with her in a couple of months.

I've spoken to the agency and unfortunately they won't let me end the contract early without a pay-out for the remaining months. So I'm just gonna stick around til then and then go.

It's gonna be awkward since we have to live in the same house-share for a bit longer, but I'll manage. I know some of you really wanted me to work it out with her, but frankly I have too much self-respect to stay with someone who doesn't care enough to defend me from her friends. Not to mention whatever the hell she was trying to do before I dipped out. It seriously freaked me out.

Thanks, everyone. You all helped me make a choice between staying and sacrificing my self-respect to be with a woman who doesn't truly love me as much as she claimed, or leaving her in the hopes that I'd find someone better one day. I hope I chose right, but I guess only time will tell. Thank you all!

Here's what top commenters had to say about the final update:

Zamairiac said:

Still NTA - You made the right choice OP. Listen to your mother. She's the only woman in this whole mess that has any sort of sense in her head. As for you crying about it all, good. Cry, you apparently needed it. I wouldn't even wait until you've paid it all off OP. Get your things and go stay with your mother. No telling what your ex will do. You've got two months left right? Nah fam, get outta there.

No-Comfortable-3918 said:

The ex is distraught because she cannot bear the embarrassment of being dumped by someone who isn't "in her league."

debicollman1010 said:

NTA but can’t you still stay with mom while paying rent there? At least you wouldn’t have to share space with that...person. You deserve so much more then her and one day you will find that special person just for you.

OkStrength5245 said:

NTA. You both learned something. she has know real love and have destroyed it by herself. you have now a series of red flags to check for the next time. Don't stay at your apart, take all your stuff to your parent home. pay the rent until it is done. never cave, never come back.

Sparklingwine23 said:

NTA, good for you! Hugs and a beer. You're absolutely right that you can't trust her again and she didn't even seem to understand why you or anyone would be upset. She can't say no to "friends" at this stage in her life? She doesn't no which side to take tells you everything you need to know.good riddance to bad rubbish.

CarryOk3080 said:

Nta. Good for knowing your worth. She is an ugly person just by personality alone. Her friends will be the reason she stays single since they can't have her doing better than them. She is a mess of a human with garbage morals you dodged a huge bullet.