Man plans divorce after wife decides she wants to be a homemaker, 'I make 90% of our income.' AITA?
"AITA for leaving my wife after she insisted she wanted to be a 'homemaker'/housewife?"
I, 26 M and my soon to be ex, 28 F, have been together for 6 years now, married for 2. Recently she's gotten into her head she wanted to be a housewife even though we have, since the dawn of our relationship, agreed that both of us would work and there would be no stay-at-home in our relationship.
When she started having these ideas, I shut her down immediately and reminded her that our relationship was, since the beginning, against these dynamics and that I wouldn't change that and rather divorce. She got super offended and said that taking care of the house can be really demanding and basically a job if you do it properly. I said something along the lines of "I agree it's a job, that's why I pay professionals to do it" (I pay people to clean the whole house, do dishes, do laundry, lawn, gutter.)
She's staying at a cousin's place and everyone from her family and friends keep bombarding me via text or calls to tell me I'm an ahole for not supporting her staying home and taking over house work. Apparently she's not even eating properly and ended up at the hospital 2 times already (which I can confirm is true) AITA?
FAQ (brought up a lot by friends and family):
What about if you had kids? I had a vasectomy done at 20 and never wanted kids, even being snipped I still use condoms just in case, we both agreed on no kids since before dating.
Who cooks dinner during the week?: I do all 7 days of it and pack her lunch as well.
Who does the most housework?: Most of it is contracted, what isn't is mostly done 50/50, but I cook all meals so I end up doing more around the house.
It's her house as well you can't just tell her to leave?: I bought the house before the marriage and in our country anything bought before the marriage aren't considered marital assets and not split during divorce. Same applies to both cars (both mine) and 99% of electronics and furniture in the house and the vast majority of finances.
d\Do you even love her?: yeah I do, and it pains me to not have her here, I've been crying myself to bed ever since she left and haven't been getting better at all, but marriage is also a contract, not just love, and I don't feel like she was honoring what we agreed upon by wanting such radical change, therefore I deemed us no longer compatible.
EDIT:
I should have included this in the post, her reasoning basically is "I hate my work and it makes my life miserable, but you make 90% of our income anyway so you could support me and I could be happier that way."
Something along those lines, her work is in a very stressful, and severely underpaid field and she's been very over it for a while now, she also went on about how I actually like my work unlike her so it wouldn't be a burden.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Comfortable-Tell-323 said:
NTA. If she hates her job she should look for a new one. I know it sounds great at first to just be home all day but when my wife lost her job she learned quickly how lonely it can be.
You have all the free time but everyone else is working. It takes a special person but to end up resenting your spouse in that situation when you come home after a long day and they say around, their only topic of conversation becomes how bored they were with all their friends working or their latest Netflix binge.
HealthyBox5 said:
Honestly, if you're spending more on professionals than she's bringing in, I'd consider it, But I'd also expect her to do ALL of those tasks you pay for, all g with food prep and lunch packing. Nobody gets a free ride. But NTA for expecting her to pull her weight.
JanetInSpain said:
NTA I am totally with you on this one. First, she's know how you feel since before you married. Second, there are no kids. I don't know what she's thinking but keeping a house clean is not an 8-hour-a-day, 5-day-a-week job, especially with NO kids. She just doesn't want to work and wants to have more "play time." Yeah.... don't we all. Nope, she's out of line and you are not wrong.
Norodia said:
It's all very strange. I can't see inside your wife's head, but the fact that she now says she never wants to work again could mean a lot of things. Maybe she really is just "lazy." But sometimes people react to failure in a way that says enough is enough for a lifetime.
It's strange to me that you say you keep staff to keep the house tidy, but you would expect your wife to stress herself to death for little money, and that's the only way to go? I understand that you have discussed something before, so NTA. But it's still a very bizarre situation.
ChloeBee95 said:
Dude, YTA. Aside from you hiding important information in the comments and choosing not to update your post because you know people wouldn’t side with you if you did, which tells me you’re a pretty crappy husband playing the victim, it’s blatantly obvious what’s going on here.
A toddler would be able to read this and your comments (where you’ve provided evidence of her being depressed, hard working and genuine, and left it out of the main post, which is dodgy on its own) and know that your wife isn’t being selfish or lazy. She’s burnt out. Depressed. Struggling. Overworked.
To recap she works in a public school with high levels of criminal activity and abuse, is paid f all for it, works ridiculous hours and then comes home to her husband ignoring her pleas for help and slating her on Reddit because she desperately needs a break.
She’s LITERALLY told you (as you’ve stated in your comments instead of the main post, again dodgy) that she’s given up on her dreams, because it’s easier not to have any. Prior to this she was incredibly passionate about her career and is a very caring person, staying in a job that’s killing her for the sake of her students. And you’ve painted her as a lazy gold digger.
I’ve gone through all of your comments and honestly it sounds like she’d be better off without you. You keep saying you’d pay for her to go back to school because the people suggesting this haven’t seen the comments telling them she’s already been to college and is working in a skilled position, because it makes you look good. You’re not good.
You’re choosing to let your wife sink into depression and lose who she is, because you don’t like the idea of her not being in a career she’s passionate about and being happy instead. Here’s the thing though? She’s already not in a career that she’s passionate about because like so many others who are teachers, the industry has ruined her mental health. So essentially you’d rather she slave away and become a shell of a person just so you can say “my wife works”, because that’s more important to you than being able to say “my wife is happy."
Wild-Meringue3713 said:
“Therefore I deemed us no longer compatible.” Jeez it’s almost like you don’t support your spouse that is clearly having a burnout event and mental health problems. Your expectation of marriage seems to be more in line with a roommate than a spouse. Even my ex husband didn’t treat me this way when I needed to change jobs after we divorced.
sassychubzilla said:
Nta although, It all sounds extremely transactional. You have all the power in your marriage. You control everything and make sure she knows it. She literally has nothing. It's only your problem if you care about how she's feeling, if her happiness affects you negatively.
Is it possible for you to entertain the idea that she could go back to school, take classes for a new career and assist in getting her into a path that makes her happy, a job that will give her better pay and make her not feel completely beholden to you? Of course you don't want to support her as if she were a child, you're not an AH for that at all. You two were in agreement on no kids, that does negate any need for either of you to be fully supported at home for any length of time, barring illness or injury.
She sounds depressed. That's an injury and an illness. Ask her, if she could change careers to something that would make her happier, would she want to put in the effort to re-educate? It would be a short-term monetary support, she could possibly work part time while she takes classes. Don't hold it over her head, though. We do things for our loved ones sometimes with the only reason being that we want them to be happy.