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Man points out a 'pattern' in girlfriend's spending habits, 'it's just a coincidence.' AITA?

Man points out a 'pattern' in girlfriend's spending habits, 'it's just a coincidence.' AITA?


"AITA for refusing to pay for the full night and pointing out a pattern?"

I live with my partner and one thing I've started noticing is she will regularly suggest days out or dates or trips away etc and then if we plan it out, she'll complain about actually being short of money so she doesn't think she can afford to go. She'll expect me to offer to pay for most things while we go away. A couple of times doesn't bother me but it's starting to become more frequent.

An example is that this week we had a nice restautant booked to go to, then my gf decides to but some new clothes and furniture. Once she bought that she then said she can't afford the meal so I'd either have to pay or we'd have to cancel.

Another example of this is next month I am getting a pay raise at work, so I decided to take a month to treat myself instead of saving any money. I planned to take my gf out for a nice meal and we are going on a double date with my friend and his girlfriend in a nearby city.

I have paid the hotel and travel costs and told my gf I'll be getting our meal when we're there so all she'll need is money for drinks. She said this was fine. Now she's saying she thinks I'll need to pay for the full night since she's seeing friends next month and has other things to pay for. I told her no, and her response was just that we'll have to cancel the night then.

She's also started mentioning the amount of money I'm planning to spend next month and keeps asking if I'm going to get her a treat or a present etc. I point out that I am taking her for a meal and a night away and she just changes the subject.

She got angry and told me I was having a go at her for nothing and that I was wrong with what I was accusing her of. She said it's just a coincidence and that I'm out of order for accusing her. AITA for refusing to pay for the full night and for pointing out a pattern?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Antelope_31 said:

NTA. Tell her you will not be paying for her part of trips going forward. You aren’t married so that conversation with her ends there here. You don’t get a vote in how she spends her money. Just say no. No is a complete sentence.

Cancel or go on the trip /dinner etc with a friend who can pay their share. Oh, I’m sorry you can’t afford it, was looking forward to spending time with you there, but I guess I’ll ask xyz if they can take your spot.

Find a woman who is financially responsible. Money is the number one cause of divorce for a reason. How you view money and manage it matters.

If she doesn’t budget and just spends hers on clothes and shopping for crap she doesn’t need and probably can’t afford, and then expects you to subsidize her lifestyle wants like trips and expensive dinners she is instigating, without a thought, is a MAJOR red flag. If you were my son, I’d tell you to run in the other direction.

TraditionalRule6814 said:

NTA. You're quite obviously being used by someone who thinks they're being more clever about it than they actually are.

Dragon_Queen_666 said:

NTA. She's sees you as her ATM and nothing more. Might be time to decide if she's the one for you going forward.

TrainingDearest said:

NTA. That she makes plans, blows her money on something else, and expects YOU to pick up her part of the cost of the plans is a huge NO. You need to stop rewarding that behavior. If she can't afford to cover her expenses, then she doesn't get to do the thing.

I cannot say if it's deliberately thought out and planned, or if it's just a superficial character flaw - but she clearly sees your money as kinda 'her money' too. It sounds like you need to have a deeper conversation about this and set some boundaries, because she sees this relationship very differently than you do.

You are not the AH for refusing or pointing it out, she just might think you are because it's going to be a painful jolt for her to realize you are not the person she thinks you are, or this is not the relationship she thinks it is.

Level-Tangerine-8172 said:

NTA. Your girlfriend basically prioritises anything other than having to spend money on joint plans with you. She's perfectly happy spending her money on plans with other people or other things. The problem is youbhave been enabling her by putting up with this behavior and just caving.

Time to have some boundaries and stick to them. If she can't afford the dinner, fine, you cancel it, or even better, go alone. She can't afford the vacation, go alone, etc. And stick to it. If you aren't willing to do that then be prepares for your girlfriend to flake on paying for the rest of your relationship.

the_greek_italian said:

NTA. Time to cut her off. She wants a nice evening out? She pays half. She suddenly can't go due to low funds? She stays home and you enjoy a quiet evening out by yourself. Relationships need complete effort put in, 100%/100%. Your gf is not doing that.

It's not even necessarily about the money, but it's about the fact that she is willing to cancel plans and ruin everyone's night because she doesn't want to pay her way.

Everyone was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this situation?

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