'AITA for 'punishing' my family by no longer doing birthdays, holidays, or vacations?'
"AITA for 'punishing' my family by no longer doing birthdays, holidays, or vacations?"
When my wife and I were talking about getting married, my Dad said that he would give us a down payment for a home. We were thrilled and kept that in mind. We would be able to afford a good starter home with his help, and we scrimped and saved to add to it.
Except apparently HE meant “a sum of money good for a down payment for a house near us” where the cost of living is low. He did not ever mean a down payment for a home in Colorado, where my wife and I have lived since we were in college. He said he thought I would be “smart enough” to realize that we’d need to move somewhere with a lower COL than Colorado.
He keeps saying "move to a cheaper city." Our lives are here. Our friends, our jobs, our hobbies. You can’t exactly leave your house and be up on top of a 14,000ft peak in 6 hours where my family is.
I told him that we had never talked about moving back there, and we never would. That we would rather be stuck renting for a while longer than be stuck somewhere we didn’t want to be, and the “move to a cheaper city” wouldn’t work for us.
He said “so be it” and gave us the amount and that was that. I expressed gratitude and thanked him for the money. It is still towards the goal. Well because of this shift in our finances, we have had to make a lot of changes to save up the rest of the money.
We have had to cut out vacations, birthday gifts, holidays, etc. We won’t be traveling home for a few years. At our current rate, we should have an ok down payment by the end of next year (2025).
My Dad confronted us about this because we won’t come for a summer break trip and told me that I was being a selfish, entitled brat because I hadn’t gotten my way. That I was essentially punishing the rest of the family because we “assumed” what his gift would be.
I told him that I was grateful for the amount he gave us, but that it means we do need to buckle down and save every penny if we want to be able to afford a house anytime soon. Even townhouses around us are easily over 400k, and that’s for the sketchy ones. But is my Dad right? AITA?
EDIT:
There was no amount formally discussed. He said "a down payment" and that was that. For my siblings, he paid for college. He paid cash in full for my sister's house, it was $317,000. He did not pay for my college.
They are invited to come here anytime, but believe it should be me to go there because I am the one who moved. No, we do not go out to eat, avocado toast, Starbucks, cable, etc etc.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Question for clarification after your update: how much money did he give you for your down payment? Is this more about you being mad he has given more to your sibling? Do you feel he is punishing you for moving away? If his assistance has been substantially less and that is what bother you, have you brought that up to him?
Leading_Rock_418 OP responded:
He gave us enough for a down payment where I'm from, but not in Colorado.
It's not really about being mad he's given more to my siblings. I'm annoyed that it was very obviously an attempt to try to "gotcha!" us into moving back home. He resents me for leaving home and not sticking close by.
I've never brought it up. In general, I've just lived my life out here with no expectation of help from him because I chose to leave.
I have to add, maybe if you did show more gratitude and visit more often, he’d be more inclined to help you out more. I know I wouldn’t bend over backwards to fund my kid’s lavish lifestyle if they moved across the country and rarely ever made an effort to visit me.
I've visited a few times a year since leaving for college. Anything beyond that shouldn't have been on my shoulders, considering he's the parent.
And as far as gratitude, I've shown plenty for everything he did for us growing up that he wasn't required to.
Molenium said:
Your dad “screwed” you and your wife… by giving you money? But less than you had hoped for? If you can’t afford to travel, that’s one thing, but trying to portray this as your family screwing you over somehow…yikes. That’s a definite YTA from me.
embopbopbopdoowop said:
YTA for framing it as your dad screwing you over. He offered you a down payment for a home. You assumed it would be a certain amount. It wasn’t. But he still gave you a generous gift. And now you describe that generous gift as screwing you over.
Also, while you’re under no obligation to go on family trips, to cut out any visits to them for a few years after your dad gave you this generous gift because it wasn’t as much as you were expecting sends a message, whether you mean it to or not.
Last_Caterpillar8770 said:
YTA because you seem to think he screwed you over because you assumed he was taking into account your area’s cost of living with that offer. He still gave you money. And yes, you are punishing them.
Because you could make a short trip and keep costs down. Especially if it is a low COL area you will be visiting. But that is up to you. Just know that a lot of people aren’t lucky enough to receive any help with buying a house and you should be grateful. And you can send cards to people to let them know you thought of them on special occasions.
wittyidiot said:
YTA. Your dad didn't "screw you over". He offered a very generous gift, which you apparently accepted. Then you demanded more and got butthurt. He didn't have to give you a penny, you're a grown married adult. Buy your own f-king house.
xenedra0 said:
YTA... a very spoiled, entitled and ungrateful one at that. No one "screwed you over." You weren't owed any of your daddy's money.
v_a_n_d_e_l_a_y said:
YTA. He gave you the money still. The fact that it wasn't what you were expected/needed is not his fault.