'AITA for 'punishing' my family by no longer doing birthdays, holidays, vacations?'
"AITA for 'punishing' my family by no longer doing birthdays, holidays, vacations?"
When my wife and I were talking about getting married, my Dad said that he would give us a down payment for a home. We were thrilled and kept that in mind. We would be able to afford a good starter home with his help, and we scrimped and saved to add to it.
Except apparently HE meant “a sum of money good for a down payment for a house near us” where the cost of living is low. He did not ever mean a down payment for a home in Colorado, where my wife and I have lived since we were in college. He said he thought I would be “smart enough” to realize that we’d need to move somewhere with a lower COL than Colorado.
He keeps saying "move to a cheaper city." Our lives are here. Our friends, our jobs, our hobbies. You can’t exactly leave your house and be up on top of a 14,000ft peak in 6 hours where my family is. I told him that we had never talked about moving back there, and we never would.
That we would rather be stuck renting for a while longer than be stuck somewhere we didn’t want to be, and the “move to a cheaper city” wouldn’t work for us. He said “so be it” and gave us the amount and that was that. I expressed gratitude and thanked him for the money. It is still towards the goal.
Well because of this shift in our finances, we have had to make a lot of changes to save up the rest of the money. We have had to cut out vacations, birthday gifts, holidays, etc. We won’t be traveling home for a few years. At our current rate, we should have an ok down payment by the end of next year.
My Dad confronted us about this because we won’t come for a summer break trip and told me that I was being a selfish, entitled brat because I hadn’t gotten my way. That I was essentially punishing the rest of the family because we “assumed” what his gift would be.
I told him that I was grateful for the amount he gave us, but that it means we do need to buckle down and save every penny if we want to be able to afford a house anytime soon. Even townhouses around us are easily over 400k, and that’s for the sketchy ones. But is my Dad right? AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Just for clarification are you saying you are mad at your dad for not giving you more money? Hmm I wonder if the amount of money he gave you is less than the amount you would spend to go home and visit him.
If it isn't you are in fact punishing him for daring not to give you enough money to buy a house in a high cost of living area. Another question did you tell your dad you wouldn't be visiting before or after he gave you the money? I am pretty sure I already know the answer though.
Leading_Rock_418 OP responded:
We aren't punishing anyone, though. We have to use the money we would spend on "fun" things to put towards buying a house since (and this is what we consider to be screwing us over) we had planned finances around us having a down payment, like he'd said we would. It's not a punishment, it's just reality.
And... of course it was after he gave us the money. We didn't know we would need to make up the extra funds until that point.
If he'd never mentioned giving us a down payment, our plans would have changed drastically. We'd still be buying here, but the timeline would be different, we'd be on different career trajectories at work, etc etc.
He gave you money, accepting that you would be putting it toward a house where you live now rather than near him. And you respond by, essentially, cutting him out of your life and tightening your belt? YTA
Leading_Rock_418 OP responded:
Oh, no no, he 100% assumed that when the amount he was giving us wasn't enough for a down payment in CO, we would somehow change our minds and buy a home there instead. He still has not accepted that we aren't moving back and brings it up in every single conversation.
[deleted]
Why don’t you do some critical thinking and maybe ask them to come visit you this time? Idk, you guys are both a&%^$%es in this situation. Yall need to communicate better and find a resolution
Leading_Rock_418 OP responded:
We have told them that since we can't come out there and they have plenty of disposible income, they are welcome to come out here. My mom would love to come see us, and we'd be happy to have her. My dad is being stubborn and saying that they're the parents, so we need to go see them.
skyward93 writes:
NTA-I live on the west coast and my family is on the east coast. It is so expensive now to travel. People always expect you to go to them bc you’re an asshole for leaving but it’s really not fair. If you want to save for a house I get not wanting to visit. They can always visit you or offer to help pay travel expenses if they really want to see you.
emobop writes:
YTA for framing it as your dad screwing you over. He offered you a down payment for a home. You assumed it would be a certain amount. It wasn’t. But he still gave you a generous gift. And now you describe that generous gift as screwing you over.
Also, while you’re under no obligation to go on family trips, to cut out any visits to them for a few years after your dad gave you this generous gift because it wasn’t as much as you were expecting sends a message, whether you mean it to or not.
catapilla writes:
YTA because you seem to think he screwed you over because you assumed he was taking into account your area’s cost of living with that offer. He still gave you money. And yes, you are punishing them.
Because you could make a short trip and keep costs down. Especially if it is a low COL area you will be visiting. But that is up to you.
Just know that a lot of people aren’t lucky enough to receive any help with buying a house and you should be grateful. And you can send cards to people to let them know you thought of them on special occasions.
trasmith8im writes:
ESH. You assumed and therefore you made an ass out of you and, well, your dad. He’s right to a degree, you are acting a bit spoilt and entitled over a misunderstanding. He gave you free money and you’re saying you got “screwed over” because it’s not as much as you wanted?
Grow up. You resent the suggestion you should live somewhere actually within your means because you can’t be on a mountain at the drop of a hat?
Yeah, your dad’s kinda got a point. But if you are saving that hard for a deposit (though seemingly not to the point of cutting out your precious hobbies?) then fair enough that you’re not going to do family holidays etc and your dad should accept that.
ssugreeen writes:
YTA. Dude gave you a big chunk of a downpayment for a house. That's more than most people get. Least you can do is give him some of your time. How much does it really cost you to visit back home once or twice a year? It's not like you are paying for a hotel and meals out.
It's also a bit entitled to think your dad should fund you living in a place with a much higher COL than he lives. I understand the idea of parents wanting the best for their kids, but that would be a level of altruism above and beyond what any reasonable person should expect.
You didn't give specifics, but it's possible a 20% downpayment for a Denver house is equivalent to most of the value of his own house. That's a lot.