Man REFUSES to adhere to GF's family's 'financial' tradition. AITA?

When this groom to be is annoyed, he asks the internet:

'AITA for refusing to adhere to my GF’s family tradition?'

Long story short:My gf’s family has this tradition where they make presents to EVERYONE: uncles, aunts, cousins, etc… and spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars each year.

My side of the family doesn’t make presents. I just make a gift to my parents, that’s all, not even my sister, and I don’t ask for presents in return. We just enjoy each other’s company and bake cookies / stuff.

Now, she insists that when we marry I have to participate with her in this tradition. I just politely said no. (I don’t have much money and I just landed a good job, so I want to start saving and buy stuff I like.

Also, I’m extremely difficult to please and hate 99.999% of the presents I get). This blew up in an argument where I told her she can buy all the stupid stuff she wants but with her money, and we will have separate bank accounts.

She told me she would choose the presents herself, say they are from the both of us, and I would just need to split the money, but I refused to waste the money for people I barely know and don’t give a single f*ck about, when I don’t even make presents to my own sister.

She told me: “What if they make you a present?”. I answered: “I would tell everyone beforehand that I don’t want one and I won’t make one because I don’t feel like it and people never get a present right”

She went crazy, told me I’m too extreme and said there are social conventions we are required to follow and I better find another girlfriend if I’m not willing to at least meet her halfway.

Is OP TA? What do YOU think?

aghauu78 makes a lot of great points:

It is not forced, it's just entirely up to you to decide if you want to be part of the tradition or not, which is fair. In turn, it would send the message that you strongly refuse to participate in the family tradition in this case.

And then they would also decide that you're not a good fit in their family too, which is fair.

To have more in life there must be give and take. People who think they don't have to do anything for other people if they don't want to, especially in this particular context, are takers that don't give.

You'd think takers that don't give would end up with more in life, but that's super inaccurate because after certain points people will stop giving to you, and while you 'thrive' on your own everyone else enjoys the benefits from give-and-take circles.

At the very least you have to participate with the first celebration. That's the very least, literally the floor expectation, because i bet you won't call every person to tell them to not get you any present.

Even if you do that, you'll be the hot topic amongst relatives for your passionate refusal to participate in their family tradition, and you'll ruin their whole vibe.

I agree, this can't be forced. But if you won't take the leap to participate in their family tradition now, is it reasonable to expect them to believe you'll participate in other family traditions?

Should they assume you would integrate with all their quirks, traditions and lifestyles?

If you're not willing to do it just break up. You can always find another partner whose family doesn't spend so much effort into family holidays.

But you can't tell them to change their family tradition just to cater to you, nor should they be expected to just be okay with having a stranger who passionately refuses to participate in their family activities but still want to stay in their house.

Add: if this whole family tradition blows over and stops completely because of you, can you afford to bear what happens after that? If there's resentment from her relatives can you guarantee that you will resolve everything peacefully?

Are you really ready for what's gonna happen when you go to their house, eat their Christmas dinner and then refuse to participate in their family tradition?

mkainer writes:

Ya know. You can find a very personal gift for anyone for 20-30$ if you just pay attention. Listen to them know their hobbies and choose something that is personal to them. Google something you know the person likes and find a low budget accessory for their like or hobby

For example 2 of my favorite gifts i received ever were from my brother who I dont have a great relationship with. 1 was the 2 goofy movies which yes even as an adult i love. He got both of them on dvd for 9.99 each.

The other was the year i got my first car he got me car wash coupons and lights that go on the tires which weren't really my thing and cost him about 15$ all together.

but i had just gotten my first car and the fact that he picked out something that was so relevant to what was going on in my life at the time just made me feel really good.

My point is, if you love this girl go through the effort you don't need to break the bank.

If you put real thought and effort into the gifts and it isn't enough then yeah maybe you have stuff to work out and maybe her family aren't your kind of people, but if you put in the effort you can't be the bad guy for not trying.

owrkginad writes:

YTA there is a middle ground somewhere and you're not looking for it. You could make everyone plates of cookies or cakes every year as your presents and not spend much money but still participate in your girlfriend's family tradition.

If you don't want to receive gifts in return you can sponsor a family that is down on their luck and ask your girlfriends family to help you give gifts or money to that family instead of giving you any gifts.

leare writes:

ESH and you two are not ready to get married if this is how you deal with differences.

Where your GF is right is about meeting her halfway.

You on the other hand are rude to your GF, rude about her family who you 'do not give a single f*ck about', rude to everyone who's ever given you a gift, appaently and just generally abrasive about all of this.

Giving gifts is a choice, and you can choose to be a complete AH about it as you seem to be here, but well, if you choose to be an AH, people will treat you like you're an AH.

gigibafo writes:

NAH. It is not a sustainable "tradition" to buy nice presents for everyone in your extended family, particularly as life keeps getting more and more expensive. And then there's the thing of having to choose presents that everyone likes...

it just is a giant financial and emotional undertaking and I can totally understand that you don't want to partake in the tradition financially or otherwise

On the other hand, If your girlfriend really wants to partake in the tradition, she should spend her money in doing it without expecting you to pay half which leads you to have an open conversation about separating finances before your relationship progresses too far.

nisharf writes:

I say NTA. Why the hell should you be pressured to spend hundreds and eventually thousands on gifts for people you have next to no relationship with? You are young and trying to build up your savings.

You offered to respectfully take yourself out of the equation, and your girlfriend responds by saying she'll essentially force you into participating by buying gifts on your behalf that she expects to be reimbursed for? That's some financial fuckery that I wouldn't be ok with personally.

sdghoul writes:

Your not wrong. People create traditions, and it sounds like your girlfriends family is out of hand, and she is oblivious to it. She’s not thinking about the massive amount of money she spends every Christmas to show off for her family.

My guess is she’s pulling all the stops out because she wants all these people to be giving her big ol gifts at her big ol wedding.

The fact that she’s trying to get op to grin & bear their extravagance by calling it a tradition is sad. She also brought up getting married in her argument for him conceding to her family’s’ insanity.

Everyone loves gifts, but buying them for strangers, just to keep family happy, isn’t normal. Where do you meet 1/2 way in the drama? It’s more than fair for op to tell his girlfriend her family is her responsibility.

The best example of how silly this is… My niece has horses, very expensive to keep & own. But her grandma had horses, her aunt had horses, so she has to have horses because she comes from a horse family.

All of her boyfriends have said no, to giving her money to support her horses..they tell her you want horses, you pay & care for them. She tells them when then get married they will be the boyfriends responsibility because he married into a horse family…which is why she’s perpetually single. Does that make sense? In any universe?

nolawg writes:

YNTA. It's clearly a mandate family thing and clearly Gina be expensive.

So if people think it's normal you participate to the gifts overdose, it's normal to understand that your family didn't do it so common ground would be some gift not expensive for the wife parents max.

If they can't restrain or feel the need of paying thousands every years in gifts, that they choice, not yours.

Being unable to separate a one side family tradition from the family budget is a huge red flag before marrying.

And for those who don't understand why. First I'm the one making sure everyone friends and family has a gift, i even do load of gifts for my wife, but make sure to don't spend stupid amount just to feel good that it cost a lot. It's what I heard them say they like thru the year.

Second, if you in law family do monster truck races for Christmas, and they push you to pay for the cars and tracks even knowing you don't participate, they are the asshole.

Everyone celebrate holidays like they want, but forcing someone to participate, even more financially etc, is a asshole.