Man refuses to attend friend's wedding; 'After the Facebook argument, it's NOT worth it.' AITA?
"AITA for wanting to skip my friend's 3rd wedding?"
This buddy and I have known each other since 1993. We were inseparable in middle school and high school then we went to different colleges until he got hurt and came back home. We hunted together a lot and were there for each other for a lot of big life events.
I was at his first wedding and for his first son's birth. I was with him after he decided to divorce his wife and marry the woman he was cheating on her with. I was there for him when that wife cheated on him and they got divorced. I was with him when he got COVID and didn't answer my phone calls for 12 hours and I sent the cops to his house to make sure he wasn't dead.
Recently he started going to church again because he felt like he'd lost direction in life and needed to recenter. He bought in hook line and sinker. He'd spread disinformation on Facebook and when I called him on it he'd get really condescending telling me how cute I was.
My wife and I are both left leaning in our political views and he and almost everyone we grew up with are all M@G@, like hard.
One day while talking on Facebook under a post of his another of his friends resulted to calling me a ped@phile because he'd run out of arguments and my friend didn't back me up and tell him that was a step too far when I'd have done the same for him.
This really pissed me off. Fast forward to him meeting another woman with her own kids and asking her to marry him.
Needless to say I'm not super excited about seeing these same people that called me a ped@phile and shaking their hands and playing nice simply because it's a wedding. A third wedding at that. Am I being an asshole?
Let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:
veion writes:
Are you being forced go to the wedding? I can’t imagine it would even be a consideration to go, after them calling you a ped@. Nta.
OP replies:
I'm not in the wedding or anything, but I did get an invitation. Literally all I can think about is if I go I'm going to not figuratively punch the guy that called me a pedo in his smart mouth and that's just not healthy. Or maybe it is, that's probably a question for the therapist I can't afford.
banhamer writes:
NTA. I lose more friends every year than I make. This is just a fact of life as you get older. Even someone you considered your “best friend” for your formative years can grow apart. It can be over money, a woman, differing political beliefs, a whole myriad of things.
At some point, you do the math and realize that one of you or none of you are willing to put the work into maintaining a friendship that’s grown so far apart. Where shared memories and past loyalties aren’t enough to bridge the gap.
If the friendship was worth the effort, you would have been putting the work in, same as he. If you want to burn that bridge, you go to the wedding. If you continue to fail maintaining it, it’ll structurally degrade over time like all other things.
aghaiop writes:
NTA. A 3rd wedding alone is enough to not want to go. I personally told a friend if she made it to 5years with her 3rd I would give a gift, she divorced him in 3, no gift.
Do you really want to sit through an exchange of vows and a reception with people who you are the complete opposite of? Do you want to even meet any person who might have called you names or liked the comment?
Friendships come and go, some are for a season, a reason or a lifetime. Sometimes you need a break from those friendships. I would suggest a break, starting with saying no to attending this wedding.
IF you have to do something to acknowledge him, send a card… do not feel obligated to send a gift or gift card. Wishing you the best.
flowha writes:
Look at it from this point of view. He used to be one person, that you had a history and shared experiences with, then gradually over the course of time he became another person, who you don't recognise and is rude and dismissive of you and doesn't act like a friend.
The old him, you owe some camaraderie with and should probably go to another one of his stream of weddings.
The new him, you owe nothing to, and he's given you no reason to feel any brotherhood or connection to, and continuing in his life with his fucked up crew would just lead you to frustration and bitterness. Why introduce more of that into your life when that old him died a long time ago?
cropath writes:
NTA. I lose more friends every year than I make. This is just a fact of life as you get older. Even someone you considered your “best friend” for your formative years can grow apart. It can be over money, a woman, differing political beliefs, a whole myriad of things.
At some point, you do the math and realize that one of you or none of you are willing to put the work into maintaining a friendship that’s grown so far apart. Where shared memories and past loyalties aren’t enough to bridge the gap.
If the friendship was worth the effort, you would have been putting the work in, same as he.
If you want to burn that bridge, you go to the wedding. If you continue to fail maintaining it, it’ll structurally degrade over time like all other things.
And now, OP's update:
Thank y'all so much for the replies. I've been suspecting for a while now that our friendship was over, but it hurts you know? We met in the 3rd grade because we shared adjacent lockers and we shared our love of the mighty morphin power rangers.
It just sucks to lose a friend at this stage in life because it can be so difficult to find more. Ghost (the band) is coming into town that day and it's been a while since I've been to a concert, so I think I'll try to make that instead.