Man refuses to buy his wife a 'push present,' 'everyone else got one.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to buy my wife a 'push present?'"
For context, we’ve been together for 17 years, married for 9, and have two great kids (7 & 4). We've faced a lot together—family losses, pregnancy loss, a big move to another country (and back), another move across the country, and a chronic diagnosis for one of our kids. Through it all, we've always operated as equals, making decisions together.
One relevant detail: We don’t do gifts. This was her idea early in our relationship, as we were broke college students and didn’t see the point in buying things just for the sake of it. Even now, we buy what we need when we need it. The last time I bought her jewelry was last summer when she specifically asked for gold earrings, and we could afford them.
So when she suddenly asked about a gift, I thought she was joking. Turns out, she wasn’t. She explained that many of her friends recently had babies, and their husbands bought them diamond rings or gold jewelry. Even our mothers got gifts from our fathers. She doesn’t want to feel left out.
To me, this whole push present thing feels like a commercialized, western gimmick—something that was never ours. We built a home and a life together. I don’t want to feel like I’m paying for the birth of our child, as if it’s just hers. If she truly wanted something meaningful, she could have told me, not just pointed out that "everyone else got one, so I should too."
I love and appreciate her, but she never wanted this for our first two kids. It feels like she just wants to keep up with her friends, many of whom treat their husbands poorly and love flaunting that they “run the show.” So, AITA for sticking to our usual approach, or should I just buy the jewelry to keep the peace?
EDITS:
Reading these comments it feels like most of the people think that I do not love my wife. I love her and my children more than anybody loves anything! What hurt me is the thing that we never made a decision solo and never demanded anything material! We always had each other and what now?
After 17 years? I could just buy anything but that was never the point! I need to understand what changed Original post: My (34M) wife (34F) is pregnant with our third child. The other day, she asked what I’d buy her when she comes home from the hospital. I was caught off guard and said, “Nothing.” Since then, she’s been giving me the silent treatment.
Just to be clear, it was never about the gift itself—I actually love buying her things. Over the years, I’ve gotten her plenty of stuff that we just don’t label as gifts because they’re usually practical, not surprises, and not tied to special occasions. So no, I’m not some stingy caveman hoarding my gold.
The issue here isn’t the jewelry; it’s that she’s giving in to peer pressure and, in the process, turning against me when it’s always been us against the world. How do you explain to your pregnant, hormonal, love-of-your-life that the problem isn’t the shiny object, but the sudden shift in us?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
DrCueMaster said:
Not to discount your role in any of this, but a nine month pregnancy and then going through labor is not a little thing, Nor is breast-feeding and the changing of diapers, etc. I have no doubt that you are an equal partner in as much of this as you can be, but there are a lot of things in which you can't be an equal partner.
Your wife is telling you that she wants a gift, an acknowledgment of all that she's going through with this baby. You say you like giving her gifts. I'm not sure what the problem is, or how asking for a gift equals "turning against" you. You are no longer broke college students.
And she's not asking for a gift for the sake of a gift (i.e. Valentines day). Maybe it's time to start doing gifts. I don't want to judge you because I'm sure there's a lot of stress going on in your lives right now, but the notion that asking for a gift is somehow damaging your relationship is weird.
bestkweenie said:
Instead of asking if you're the ahole, try asking yourself "is it really so bad that my wife of 17 years expressed she wants something to feel appreciated and validated for giving birth to our 3 children?" and you'll have your answer.
Impossible-Ad-8237 said:
Is this really a battle you need to pick? Who cares if she got the idea in her head recently because of her friends? She’s going through something that’s really difficult and ends with an absolute torturous hours long climax of pain. If you offering her some kind of token of appreciation is important to her, why are you fighting it?
Tipsy-boo said:
Gentle YTA. You say you get each other gifts when you ask for them- she’s asking for a gift. I get she might be keeping up with her friends and stuff but its also something she wants. She will have given birth to three children to help form your family unit - thats an unreal strain on her physically, mentally and emotionally.
CompleteScreen9388 said:
YTA. Yes you are paying for the birth of your child with a piece of jewelry but she is paying with her body. It’s one gift!
FatSadHappy said:
YTA. I have most meaningful ring from birth of my first kid. It's special, a bit of talisman if you want. But I was lucky enough to be married to guy who never questioned what child birth gets a reward. Cultural things, you know. But you can stick to your usual approach, why not. It is always nice not to show appreciation.