Man refuses to help mom financially, 'she kept a secret from me for 20 years.' AITA?

"AITA for not financially helping my mum after finding out a secret she kept from me for over 20 years?"

I (28M) just learned something that completely reversed my relationship with my mum (54F). I always thought we were close. She was a single parent who raised me on her own after my "dad" left us when I was just a baby.

She told me he had nothing to do with us. We were not rich when I was a kid, and I've always had a lot of respect for what she did for us. I took money to pay for uni, worked part-time, and now that I have a decent job and some savings, I've been helping her every now and then with groceries, bills etc.

Anyways...a few weeks ago, I got a message on (my very active) Facebook from a man who I didn't know. First I thought it was a joke or scam or something when it read "I think I could be your dad." But he sent me photos of him and my mum when they were younger. My resemblance to him was close too.

I confronted my mum, to which she started to cry and admitted that, yes, he was actually my father. She never told him she was pregnant, so he left. He had no idea that I existed at all until recently when we probably saw my baby pics on FB or our old mutual friend's statuses put together. Idk if/when to meet him though.

He seems nice, stable and I assume married with kids. Our text messages were quite long and detailed, and personal hence excluded them from this post. He says how he would've been there, would've raised me. I get emotional thinking about it in my head, but this is where the conflict starts my mum just got fired prior to my dad messaging me. She asked if I could help pay her rent for a few months, and I said no.

I told her I needed space, I mean it's a lot to take in when your own mother had just been lying to you for your entire life and kept me from a father who loved me. Obviously, no mother is perfect, but I felt cheated. Ok, she was young and maybe in over her head, but she stole a relationship with my dad from me. How can she expect my help like nothing has happened?

I'm not cutting her off forever though!! Just don't think I owe her money now, especially not when I still need to try and make sense of it all.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Moon-berry-Splash16 said:

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair. Take the time you need.

Sparklingwine23 said:

NTA, you definitely deserve time and space to process all of this. Aside from denying you a right to have a dad in your childhood and life, her secret also kept medical history from you that could have had a huge impact on your life. She also deprived your dad of knowing he had a child for nearly 3 decades!

Lambsenglish said:

From what you’ve written though give her more time to explain herself as well. She went through this alone for a reason. There’s a reason she didn’t tell him. It might be a better reason than you think, and she now has to juggle whether to double down and tell you, or let it pass.

Alone-Jellyfish-9479 said:

NTA give yourself time and space to process this, coming to terms with it. With the relationship you had with your mom, when you're ready, give her a chance to explain her side. She may have had a very good reason for keeping this from you. Although she may have just not wanted him in your life.

You need to hear her side and any info your dad can give you and then you can decide how to proceed. Your mom definitely broke your trust and that's something that may never mend.

sethjam said:

Time is precious. She might have her reason. Ask her about it. Even if it wrong, it was done already. Focus on the present. Regretting the past wont do you any good. What if is just what if. You have them both now. Focus on what you can build with your dad and salvage what you can have with your mom.

burnett631 said:

NTA - the number of single moms with children that will never know their fathers due to their refusal, is way too high. They should be prosecuted. Last three women I dated, had at least one child whom they admitted would never be told who their "real" dad is.