"AITA for refusing to meet my girlfriend's kids?"
I am a 36-year-old man. My parents are immigrants from Asia. I’m very close to my family and have a good job. I was madly in love with Jennifer (F, 36) in high school. We ended up hanging out a lot, but it never went beyond friendship.
A few months ago, I signed up for a dating app and saw Jennifer’s profile. I felt like a teenager again; she looked the same. I immediately messaged her, and we started chatting. She told me she got married after high school, had three kids, and amicably separated from her husband.
They are still very close; he lives a block away from her, and she works for him. She then met another guy, had another baby, but things didn’t work out with him either.
Eventually, Jennifer told me she liked me back in high school too. I took her out on a date, and we ended up talking a lot. I decided to be honest with her and told her that I would like to get married and have my own kids one day.
She got frustrated and said I was willing to throw away a real connection over having kids. She suggested we not talk about this for now and just enjoy each other’s company. I have been extra careful not to give her the wrong idea (we have only cuddled but have not had se%).
On our sixth date, she said she wanted me to meet her kids. I told her no because this is a huge step and we are not there yet. She got mad and said if I can’t be a good stepdad, how on earth will I be a good dad, i'm going to be a bad father, etc. She said she was willing to have a baby with me.
I told her I needed to think about it. My family is old-fashioned and will be furious if they find out I’m thinking of getting serious with her (not because she is white, but because of her marital situation and kids), so I can’t discuss this with them.
Am I the a^%$ole for being in love with her but not ready to see her kids or wanting to have biological kids?
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
fendi7 writes:
NTA but six dates in and she wants you to meet her kids?! That's not a good idea either.
face9 writes:
She just started talking to you a few months ago and said she’s willing to have a baby with you, when she already has 4 kids, with two different dads? I get sometimes stuff just happens and life doesn’t work out, but by how you’ve described this I would run.
crimeaa6 writes:
"if I can’t be a good stepdad, how on earth will I be a good dad." "She got frustrated and said I was willing to throw away a real connection over having kids." These two enough answers for you. NTA.
makkabo writes:
Tough situation. She is who she is, you can't change that and if you're not ok with being a step-dad to her kids and deal with your parents' reaction, you need to stop entertaining her and leave the situation. She, on the other hand, seems way too quick to want to find a replacement daddy.
That's a red flag. As a single mom myself, I tell you I am MEGA cautious about who gets to meet my kid, 6 dates is definitely not enough time so I would wonder why the rush. She also has 2 baby daddies and is now rushing into a trying to make you a third one.
That's really poor judgement. You're NTA, but if you decide to continue with this knowing deep in your heart that this is not really what you want, then you will be.
About a month later OP came back with this update:
I decided to end it with her in person. I thought ghosting was the cowardly way. We went out for dinner and then went for a walk. I told her that I respect her as a friend but we want different things so let’s end whatever this is.
She started crying and said she would be alone forever. I told her that’s not true at all. I told her she would meet a man who wants the same thing as her and there are many guys out there.
She cried more then asked if there was someone else. I said no I’m not ending it because of anyone else. Then she screamed and did a 180 and said “Look how many guys I talk to on my phone! You think I can’t do better than you? You are so dumb! You can’t even see I chose you! I want you!”
I drove her back to her place. I thought it was over. I woke up to a couple of nude pics she sent to my Instagram and Snapchat. She captioned “4 kids later and I still got it! Too bad you want “different things.”
She is friends with a couple of my friends and they all say I’m AH for leading her on and abandoning her. I wish we could just stay friends but I did the coward move and blocked her from everywhere.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:
felonn5 writes:
It's not the coward way to block her everywhere. You are doing her a favor. The less contact she has with you, the faster she'll move on.
I never understand other people putting in their two cents in situations like this. The only two people who really know the situation are OP and ex.
pleeer writes:
She was shopping for a provider. I understand we all have baggage, but cray had way more than her fair share. 2 baby daddies (one complete relationship fuck up just wasn't enough), 4 kids, and working for one of your baby daddies that you live a block away from. Whew.
gaga09 writes:
NTA You just dodged a very expensive and responsibility filled bullet. You didn't lead her on. You promised nothing. You only went out on a few dates and you didn't even get in her pants. 6 dates in and she's calling you stepdad!
Just remember, the girl you liked in high school was a hot chick you made up a fantasy about in your head. You just found out that in real life, she's a walking red flag. It doesn't sound like her BDs are deadbeats, so she seems to be the problem.