Man refuses to sing at brother's wedding after former bandmate's death, 'it's been 10 years!' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to sing at my brother's wedding?"
My (28M) brother (33M) will be getting married in the fall. The two of us are fairly close, more so in the past few years, which is to say that he is not ignorant about past events in my life. Recently, I got invited to dinner by him and his fiancée. The two were very obviously buttering me up to ask me something the whole time before my brother finally told me:
"So, [fiancée] and I have been talking, and we'd really love it if you sang our first dance song, just the one song. I know you don't really sing anymore, but I dug up some old videos of you singing and she loves your voice just as much as I do. This could be your wedding present to us!"
For background: I used to sing all the time. I formed a band with a bunch of my friends in high school, and we were very minorly successful. We had a YouTube channel with a few hundred subscribers, and there were a handful of people that had their own recordings that were posted to their own pages.
In this band was my best friend since second grade, Mason (not real name). Unfortunately, when we were 17, Mason passed away suddenly. Additionally, I was the one who discovered him. The band dissolved almost immediately, and our YouTube channel and all our own videos were taken down.
Since then, I have NEVER sang. Singing without Mason felt wrong, so I didn't. Not in the shower, no karaoke sessions, not at church, never. My brother knew all of this, but I wasn't sure if his fiancée did, so I started off with "Sorry, I'll have to refuse. You know I don't sing anymore" in the interest of not totally ruining dinner.
My brother was annoyed as hell at this. "Come on, it's for my wedding, it's just one song, I'm not asking for much here" and so forth. I continued to politely refuse and left soon after. Shortly after, I start receiving countless calls from my mom, who also knows the reason why and decided to harass me about not singing.
"It's your brother's wedding! I think you really should see a therapist about this, we all love your singing voice and it's been 10 years since any of us got to hear it!" The two have since decided on a new tactic by saying that my song will be a good way to honor Mason's memory.
The point about therapy aside (I've been to lots of it. I'm at peace with my decision to stop singing) AITA for refusing? It's clearly important to them.
EDIT:
To clarify, I have really only ever performed with Mason. The joy I got from performing was not the act of singing itself, but from performing with my best friend.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Bigstachedad said:
It's your voice and your choice. Your brother, mother and, more than likely your brother's fiance, know why you no longer sing. Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean you must revisit your trauma. NTA.
Winternin said:
NTA. Your mom and brother should see a therapist. As usual, wedding planning turns (some) people into monsters.
ProfessionalKnown935 said:
NTA. Lost my best friend like that when she was 15, I was 16, now it's gonna have been 9 years this year and I don't care how long it's been, it still hurts and will hurt forever. The way you grieve is up to YOU. Don't let them do something that might make you feel like trash just because they want you to, because THEY think you should not be grieving anymore.
Disastrous-Nail-640 said:
NTA. To brother: “You’re actually asking for a lot. You’re asking me to relive trauma, and that’s never okay to ask of anyone. Regardless, though, no means no. I will not be discussing this further.”
To mom: “I’m sorry Brother involved you in this, but it has nothing to do with you. I will not be discussing this with you or anyone else anymore.” This is an extremely personal decision for you. It’s fine that he asked. It’s not fine that he’s pushing it, involving others and demanding it.
SometimesKip said:
NTA, but your family is. I’d be tempted to turn his wedding into a memorial for Mason with slide show of Mason and the band and sing something like Hallelujah. But I’m petty like that. I get triggered by wedding requests. People get over yourselves and your weddings.
firefly232 said:
NTA. You have every right to want to be treated as a regular guest, not as a performer. A professional singer would be expensive, they simply want you to sing for free for them. Are they having a band to play the dance music? Or other entertainment like an MC or DJ? How is the music being coordinated? It's rude of them to demand your skill set as a "gift" to them.