Man refuses to sing at brother's wedding after former bandmate's death. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"AITA for refusing to sing at my brother's wedding?"
My (28M) brother (33M) will be getting married in the fall. The two of us are fairly close, more so in the past few years, which is to say that he is not ignorant about past events in my life. Recently, I got invited to dinner by him and his fiancée. The two were very obviously buttering me up to ask me something the whole time before my brother finally told me:
"So, [fiancée] and I have been talking, and we'd really love it if you sang our first dance song, just the one song. I know you don't really sing anymore, but I dug up some old videos of you singing and she loves your voice just as much as I do. This could be your wedding present to us!"
For background: I used to sing all the time. I formed a band with a bunch of my friends in high school, and we were very minorly successful. We had a YouTube channel with a few hundred subscribers, and there were a handful of people that had their own recordings that were posted to their own pages.
In this band was my best friend since second grade, Mason (not real name). Unfortunately, when we were 17, Mason passed away suddenly. Additionally, I was the one who discovered him. The band dissolved almost immediately, and our YouTube channel and all our own videos were taken down.
Since then, I have NEVER sang. Singing without Mason felt wrong, so I didn't. Not in the shower, no karaoke sessions, not at church, never. My brother knew all of this, but I wasn't sure if his fiancée did, so I started off with "Sorry, I'll have to refuse. You know I don't sing anymore" in the interest of not totally ruining dinner.
My brother was annoyed as hell at this. "Come on, it's for my wedding, it's just one song, I'm not asking for much here" and so forth. I continued to politely refuse and left soon after. Shortly after, I start receiving countless calls from my mom, who also knows the reason why and decided to harass me about not singing.
"It's your brother's wedding! I think you really should see a therapist about this, we all love your singing voice and it's been 10 years since any of us got to hear it!" The two have since decided on a new tactic by saying that my song will be a good way to honor Mason's memory.
The point about therapy aside (I've been to lots of it. I'm at peace with my decision to stop singing) AITA for refusing? It's clearly important to them.
EDIT:
To clarify, I have really only ever performed with Mason. The joy I got from performing was not the act of singing itself, but from performing with my best friend.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Bigstachedad said:
It's your voice and your choice. Your brother, mother and, more than likely your brother's fiance, know why you no longer sing. Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean you must revisit your trauma. NTA.
Winternin said:
NTA. Your mom and brother should see a therapist. As usual, wedding planning turns (some) people into monsters.
ProfessionalKnown935 said:
NTA. Lost my best friend like that when she was 15, I was 16, now it's gonna have been 9 years this year and I don't care how long it's been, it still hurts and will hurt forever. The way you grieve is up to YOU. Don't let them do something that might make you feel like trash just because they want you to, because THEY think you should not be grieving anymore.
Disastrous-Nail-640 said:
NTA. To brother: “You’re actually asking for a lot. You’re asking me to relive trauma, and that’s never okay to ask of anyone. Regardless, though, no means no. I will not be discussing this further.”
To mom: “I’m sorry Brother involved you in this, but it has nothing to do with you. I will not be discussing this with you or anyone else anymore.” This is an extremely personal decision for you. It’s fine that he asked. It’s not fine that he’s pushing it, involving others and demanding it.
SometimesKip said:
NTA, but your family is. I’d be tempted to turn his wedding into a memorial for Mason with slide show of Mason and the band and sing something like Hallelujah. But I’m petty like that. I get triggered by wedding requests. People get over yourselves and your weddings.
firefly232 said:
NTA. You have every right to want to be treated as a regular guest, not as a performer. A professional singer would be expensive, they simply want you to sing for free for them. Are they having a band to play the dance music? Or other entertainment like an MC or DJ? How is the music being coordinated? It's rude of them to demand your skill set as a "gift" to them.
6 weeks later OP came back with this update:
This is premature, but since the post I made was more popular than I expected (or wanted), I thought I'd give a small update. My future SIL reached out to me because her washer broke and she wanted to come over and do a quick load of laundry. I wasn't thrilled about this, but I live close enough, I have in-unit, and the laundromats in our area are not the safest.
I was content to just watch TV silently in my tiny apartment while we waited, but she of course had something to discuss. I thought for sure she'd be the third person to try to convince me, but no.
Instead she told me that she wasn't sure if my brother was giving her the full story. She told me that "he used to sing all the time, he was in a band, but he quit when the band broke up." (Which is technically true, but come on).
I also learned that he had told many of his friends this too, about how he's always trying to convince me to come around and sing for all of them. He had literally never asked before THE conversation, but was prone to making comments like "boy it sure sucks you don't sing anymore, I know a lot of people that would want to hear that."
So, I very briefly told her about Mason. Just the important bits. That I used to sing with him, then he died, so I don't have any desire to do so anymore. She didn't say anything for awhile, but I saw her face go through about a dozen different emotions, and I'm pretty sure she settled on anger.
Before she left, she just told me that she's going to tell my brother to get someone else to sing. I got the distinct feeling that it's not going to be a pleasant conversation. So, that's it so far. All quiet. Fingers crossed.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
Comment:
Do you think Mason would want you to quit singing entirely? I highly doubt that.
OP:
Hi ya'll: again the response on this have been much here larger than anticipated. I just need to get something off my chest and hopefully I don't come across as overly aggressive.
Regarding the obnoxious comments saying "Is that Mason would want???"
I don't know, he's not around to ask anymore. The dead tend to not have opinions.
I've had over a decade to process this. Via THERAPY (putting it in all caps this time). But I truly hope the people who comment this don't ever try this approach on someone who just experienced a loss. Regardless of intentions, it is grossly manipulative.
And again, for the people in the back: I didn't stop singing because I thought that's what Mason would want or survivor's guilt or because I was actually secretly in love with him (yes, real DM I received). I stopped because I loved singing with my musical partner, who is now gone. I no longer find the act enjoyable.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
No longer finding something enjoyable is the best reason to stop. Hope your brother doesn’t go too berserk when FSIL rips him a new one for lying.
Go future SIL. At least you have somebody in your corner. And sorry for your loss.
Your brother is a jerk. I hope she chews his a-- out. At least now she understands. And hopefully going forward, she'll have your back and correct him when he says this s&$^ to other people.
When I read your first post I was thinking maybe future SIL doesn’t know the whole truth about why you don’t sing anymore and that if she knew she’d understand well that’s if she is actually a sweet nice person which she clearly is.
Though this probably will start a small fight between her and your brother though it’s entirely his fault for lying. But he may reach out to and get pi*#ed at you for causing issues so be prepare for that to possibly happen.
OP: I just read your other post about your mom disregarding your allergy to cats but catering to your brother’s dislike towards cats. Something tells me your future SIL has caught on to some sort of favoritism going on and asked for your side of the story.
You’re NTA all over the place and it’s time to go LC with your immediate family until they learn to respect you.
SECOND UPDATE:
New things happened pretty quickly, but I held off on a new post because my last one was premature. Some things people predicted happened, other things did not. Let's get this out of the way up front: The wedding is still on. The wedding will always still be on. This was never in doubt. I think a lot of commenters vastly overestimated my importance.
After talking with future sister-in-law, I did not hear anything from my brother, at least initially. I did eventually get a short text from her just saying that I shouldn't worry about the wedding anymore and they'll find someone else. My mom was another story.
She called me repeatedly since I ignored her first few calls, and when I finally picked up, she was about two steps below screaming into the phone. About how I "interfered in your brother's relationship and made things so much harder for them!" and "do you know how upset he is right now? It's time to put grudges aside and make amends!" It was not an especially long conversation.
[I feel it is important to provide some context for my mom. I've seen some comments about she has clear favoritism for my brother. Strictly speaking, I'm not sure that's true. Over the years, she said or did some things to my brother that has, at several points, caused him to go no contact with her.
Some of these I fully understood, others...created some questions. As a result, my mom tends to overcompensate when it comes to him because I think she's terrified of getting cut off again.]
I did a lot of self-reflection over the next few days about my relationships with my family members, and decided it was time to have a very honest conversation with my brother. I even booked a bonus therapy session specifically about preparing myself for this conversation.
I called him up and asked him point-blank if, knowing I will absolutely NOT be singing for him, he still wanted me to attend. He didn't answer for a bit, but eventually he said yes. I remembered a bunch of comments that said he may still try to pull something at his reception anyway using public pressure and announce me as the singer.
While I personally didn't find that to be especially likely (my brother is a big planner/scheduler), I realized I no longer trusted him like I used to and said as much, and that I will only be attending the ceremony, not the reception.
He had a minor freak-out over this ("are you kidding me?"), but then said it was whatever, and that I needed to come up with a concrete excuse for my absence so that "BS doesn't overshadow everything" (fine, whatever) and that I could no longer be his groomsman since that would leave an empty chair at the head table.
We hung up shortly after. We have not spoken again since. Something that hasn't come up before: we both have two other brothers (35, 26). Neither live in the same area as us (my younger brother lives on the other side of the country), and we don't talk especially frequently, so I don't know what, if anything, they had heard about the situation previously.
Well, because he kicked one of his brothers out of the wedding party, he decided to replace the other two as well because it wouldn't "look right" to have just 2 out of 3 of his brothers as groomsmen, so instead opted for 0 out of 3.
Eldest brother got kind of bratty about it (he included all three of his brothers in his wedding party when he got married and is mainly pissed about the non-reciprocation) but never asked for nor received the full story on our "feud." I don't especially enjoy talking to him, so if he wants to blame me for getting booted from the wedding party, that's fine.
My younger brother, on the other hand, made it his personal mission to extract every single detail possible from all parties. He called me up to get my side, and then decided he was going to join me in skipping the reception.
He has decided to start brainstorming an excuse for the both of us. Honestly, I think he was looking for an excuse not to go anyway, he despises family functions. At this point I am praying for no more updates. This is just absurd. The wedding cannot come soon enough.
This is not related to the update, but instead to the comments/DMs I received: I have tried my best to be civil with the many, many comments of "Is that what Mason would want?" or "Have you tried therapy?" We are now three posts deep on this nonsense. I'm not going to be trying so hard at civility anymore.
Also a reminder: singing was a HOBBY. I gave up a HOBBY. I was not on the cusp of making it big. I did not throw away my dreams. This is 5 dudes screwing around in a basement on weekends and occasionally playing at a bar, fair, or coffee shop. For what it's worth, I still listen to music and even will pick up my bass again on occasion when I'm bored.
Therapy is not an undo button on grief and trauma. I am not the same person I was before he died, and I never will be again. Therapy is about accepting this and the new person I've become, not going back to the way things were. New OP! Model does not include singing!
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Inevitable_Pie9541 said:
NTA, as ever, for refusing to sing at the wedding. It's weird, to my eye, all the dysfunctional elements at play in your family (IMO all families have a degree of messiness) seem to be directing their lighthouse beams of frustration, sorrow, jealousy, competitiveness, whatever, towards this single issue: brother won't sing.
The focal point of all the brouhaha, for some reason, has become your not-singing. It's out of proportion, bizarre, and punitive towards you, who are not doing ANYTHING wrong by leaving singing in the past. Displacing emotions is a thing. I think you're the healthiest and most grounded of the bunch.
Srvntgrrl_789 said:
NTA on the original post or in your update. Your mom, and your brother are being extremely insensitive to your grief process. I’d go LC after the wedding to give yourself some space.
Ok_Passage_6242 said:
NTA. This wasn’t about signing this was about control. Maybe you can use the opportunity to bond more with your younger brother.
anonanon-do-do-do said:
NTA. "Therapy is not an undo button on grief and trauma. I am not the same person I was before he died, and I never will be again. Therapy is about accepting this and the new person I've become." Great insight. This is so true. Sometimes it's even realizing you aren't and may never be ready to rip a particular scab off.
BagelwithQueefcheese said:
Wow. Your family is…a lot. So much drama over you asking for a minute amount of respect. I am sorry that your family is composed of selfish mushrooms who try to suffocate you for their own needs.
Consistent-Primary41 said:
OP, apparently you're a goddamn jukebox. Whether it's your family or dipsh- commenters, idk, but you should get a coin mech and start accepting quarters if these f-ing people feel so strongly about singing.