Man refuses to support wife's punishment of teen son, 'I let him go to a party.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not supporting my wife's decision to punish our son & letting him go to a party?"

I (45M) share a daughter (17F) and son (15M) with my wife (41F). My wife's best friend (40F) has two daughter (18F & 15F). My wife's best friend moved to our town about six years. My wife and her best friend have been not so subtly pulling for the two 15-year-olds to end up together.

I find this weird and low-key creepy. About two years ago, wife's BF's youngest daughter appeared to have developed a crush on our son. My son talked to me about it and he had zero interest. So, we discussed how to tactfully but firmly let her down. She has approached him again a number of times over the last couple of years and he has reaffirmed his lack of interest.

This past summer, my wife's BF's oldest daughter turned 18. Her parents went all out for her birthday. It was a whole weekend of festivities and events. One of the events was a couple's dinner for the oldest daughter and all her friends in couples. The younger daughter of wife's BF wanted to go to the dinner but did not have anyone to go with.

She asked my son, and he agreed to go, but only as friends and just this one time. So, they went together. After the dinner, the "couples" all watched 10 Things I Hate About You together. It was my son's first time seeing it and he commented that he thought the Heath Ledger singing scene was cool (this is important later).

My business partner (44M) every year, for the last five years, throws a huge Halloween party. All our employees are invited along with close friends and family. The party requires a costume. And at this party, there are prizes for best individual costume, group costume, and couples' costume. My wife's BF and her family are obviously invited every year.

So, let me get to the reason I am here. About a month ago, my son is at school, and comes towards him is my wife's BF's younger daughter with a whole song and dance routine. She ends it by asking him to be her date for the Halloween party. My son was so frustrated and reiterated, for everyone to hear, that he is not interested in her like that at all.

Of course, it being high school, some kids laughed and she ran off crying. She has been bullied pretty badly because of it. My wife's BF is livid and thinks our son owes her daughter an apology. My wife agrees and thinks, at a minimum, he needs to defend her against the bullying. My son has said that for two years he has told her he is not interested and reiterated it over and over.

At this point, he thinks it's kind of harassing to him and it is not his role to defend her harassment of him. I agree with my son. My wife and I have had a number of disagreements about it since it happened.

Well things have intensified in the last couple of weeks or so because another girl, who wife's BF's daughter apparently does not like, asked our son to be her date for the party and he agreed. They are doing a pretty dope couple's costume. This has really pissed off my wife because she thinks he should, at least, not go to the party with another girl out of respect.

I think that is ridiculous. I plan on driving them to the party with me. My wife now does not want to go to the party and is saying I am an AH and raising our son to be one. So, AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

NagaApi8888 said:

NTA. Tell your wife consent goes both ways. What if it had been a boy harassing her BF's daughter for two years? Would she still push for the daughter to give that boy a chance, or to defend that boy, or force her not to go to a party with another boy 'out of respect'?! She and the BF are perpetuating some pretty damaging behaviors in the BF's daughter!

Ok_Childhood_9774 said:

NTA, and your wife is being utterly ridiculous. She's basically telling your son that he can date her best friend's daughter or no one! The girl was bullied because of her own actions, not anything your son did. Keep sticking up for your son-- I have a feeling he's going to need your support!

Cute-Profession9983 said:

NTA The sad thing is the BFF and wife have probably been filling this poor girl's head with fantasies and are mad that he won't just play along.

rigbysgirl13 said:

NTA. AT ALL. How much have the two mothers been pouring crap into her ears? Because if a teenage boy was continuing to pursue a girl who had repeatedly told him she was not interested, we'd be calling him a stalker, wouldn't we? We'd be talking about how rejection hurts but must be dealt with in Life.

I feel like the two moms have fueled this, and now the poor girl has embarrassed herself and has to cope with it. I feel badly for her, because wow, that's gotta hurt, but you son did nothing wrong. It might be cool of him to tell the bullies to back off.

Imaginary-Yak-6487 said:

NTA. Your son has a mind of his own & can choose to date or not date, or be friends with who he wants. It’s pretty gross that both moms are pushing this.

PenNameNeeded said:

NTA - Your wife and her BF probably have some sort of fantasy about uniting he families and expected your son to just fit into it. Not only has he been upfront avot having no romantic interest in this girl, your wife's only damaging her relationship with your son, and the longer she does it the worst the damage will be.

I'm almost NC with my own mother for trying to pull something like this years ago and let me tell you, If you don't stand by your son you'll lose his trust too.

UPDATE:

Given the events of the past couple of weeks, I thought I would give an update. My wife did not come to the Halloween party. I took my son and his friend and they had a great time. Unfortunately, only came in 4th in the couples costume voting. After the party, tensions with my wife died down considerable. She still felt what I did was wrong but she took a "what is done is done attitude."

The bullying at school has gotten more intense. Apparently, my wife's best friend's daughter confronted the girl who my son did take to the Halloween party. That escalated the bullying from other girls and two factions have formed among the girls in two grades over this and it has gotten out of hand.

Apparently some accusations have been thrown around about "cheating" at my son by various girls. My son has been unbothered because all his truly good friends know the truth. Last Friday we got a call from the school wanting to meet with us about the situation since my son was the "source" (their words, not mine) of the issues.

We met with some of the administration, and one of the teachers, on Tuesday. They wanted my son to "help" the situation by defending my wife's best friend's daughter to their classmates.

He refused and talked extensively about her harassing behavior over the past two years. They pushed against his "description" of her conduct. But, we ended the meeting with my son promising to provide a list of her harassment over the past two years.

Tuesday evening, my son prepared the list and showed his mother and I. When my wife saw the list, it was like scales fell from her eyes. She got pretty emotional, apologized to our son, apologized to me, and we had a good group hug.

She is now 100% on our side. She asked our son if she could share the list with her best friend. My son agreed. My wife's best friend's response was to double down. My wife is going low contact for the time being.

On Wednesday, we took the list to the school. It is a private school and has a strict code of conduct for students in and out of school. So, there is a possibility best friend's daughter may have some type of punishment for her behavior. I took my son out of school for the day and we hung out all day. Just dropped him back off at school today. So, this is the update.

Edit: I wanted to add something I said in the comments. My mom for years was a counselor. One thing she taught me is that repentance and forgiveness are not events, but processes.

Also that in order for a relationship to be restored, there must first be repentance from the wrongdoer. In light of that, a practice she had our family do was to write letters when one of us caused harm to another. The letter includes, in detail:

(1) the wrong the person has committed, (2) the resulting harm that was done (3) the immediate actions that will be taken to mitigate the harm, and (4) the long-term actions being taken to mitigate the harm/ensure the action is not repeated.

My wife is currently working on her letter. The person who receives the letter can respond and request that additional actions be taken to address the harm done. My wife knows she is only at the beginning of the process and that it is going to take time.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the first update:

DetroitSmash-8701 said:

NTA. I'm glad your son has a father who advocates for him and has his back because his mom basically tried to sell him out. It's terrible to see that he had his consent repeatedly violated, so much for "no meaning no", and it would've have continued if you hadn't stepped in.

If you were TA, it would be because that's what it took to get the point across and to show that violating your son is unacceptable.

BlueGreen_1956 said:

Still NTA. I wonder what your wife's response would have been if your son was a daughter and this exact scenario had played out. Oh wait, I do not have to guess. Your son may forgive her, but he is never going to forget that she did not have his back. And the school immediately believing the girl over the boy? Not a surprise at all.

NerdyWolf88 said:

Awesome job standing up for your son. It is sad that it took a list written out to make your wife really see what was going on. Your wife and her BF have only encouraged this girl to pursue your son. No wonder she is having a hard time with all the rejection. She needs some therapy.

Confident_Nav6767 said:

I’m glad your wife came around but I do hate it took all of this and a whole list comprised of two years worth of harassment to get her there. I hope things start to turn around. Your son may seem unbothered but I’m sure he’ll breathe again when things finally settle. Thank you for being on his side.

Haikus_For_Freedom said:

Good on you for standing up for your son. He, and you, are very much in the right here. I have no idea what twisted tale the school has been told that they would try to put the impetus on your son, but I'm glad to hear you're supporting your son with that situation too, and that your partner is finally on board as well. Consent is for everyone, and harassment is not limited to gender.

Really-ChillDude said:

Your wife owes your son a big apology. Not just: oh I am sorry I didn’t know. She needs to have a long talk with her best friend, about her daughter’s behavior… which your wife & her best friend pushed to happen

FINAL UPDATE:

This will be the final update. After everything that went on with the school last semester, my wife's best friend decided to remove her from school, and she is now going to the local public school. But, a week ago, my son received an email from the daughter apologizing for everything that occurred last semester and asking for them to remain friends.

Apparently her dad finally set her down and explained how everything she did would look from a guy's perspective. My son wrote back and said while he accepted the apology, he thinks it is best that he keep his distance.

He wished her luck at the new school. My wife's best friend still insists that my son should apologize to her daughter. My wife has said, in no uncertain terms, "that isn't happening." A few more kids were disciplined by the school since my last post, but things have calmed down on that front. We are doing family counseling, and it has been going well. That is all. This is the final update.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the final update:

PermissionWest6171 said:

Wife's friend knew deep down that the situation was out of hand but doesn't have the wherewithal to come back down to reality, let alone apologize. I think she's the real villain of the story, she influences the child and doubled down at every opportunity.

Comfortable-Focus123 said:

I know a few parents who seem to live vicariously through their children as if they were still in high school. I kind of feel for the girl, as I think she was egged on by her mother.

CocoaAlmondsRock said:

Your son has been a champion through this whole thing -- as have you. I'm glad your wife has come around, even to the point of shutting down her friend (who STILL doesn't get it). I hope there's no more drama coming your way!

CarryOk3080 said:

SO GLAD your son had you in his corner! Good job dad. I hope mom realizes she was very wrong for her part in this mess. Sounds like your son is a great person and will make a great partner one day since he had an awesome dad to model after.

Sensitive-Ad-5406 said:

Violently disgusted by a mother that would rather ignore her child being harassed than defend their kid. What a worthless mom. "But he wrote a list, and THEN she got it". After years of harassment. I sincerely hope mommy dearest always gets her steak cooked too hard, her pasta is too soft, and that she stubs her toe daily. And steps on Lego.