'AITA for not providing any kind of extra support for my ex's other kids?'
"AITA for not providing any kind of extra support for my ex's other kids?"
I have two children (11f and 8m) with my ex and we share physical and legal custody of them. I pay child support because I'm a higher earner than my ex and the child support is minimal ($150 monthly) but is supposed to help balance things between both homes.
My ex is married again and her family has grown. In the house with her are her husband, his three children (under 10) and their two shared children (under 5).
My ex and her husband struggle financially and have attempted to increase child support five times in the last four years. The courts turned down their request for more child support each time.
Twice in front of a judge and the other times we did not make it before a judge before it was denied. My ex was reminded that child support is meant to provide for our kids, not for her family as a whole.
My ex argued that the financial burden impacts them but this was not deemed worthy of a child support increase. They were looking for an increase to make it $800 a month.
My ex has independently asked me to give her $50 here and there. Or to buy stuff for the other children in her home. This happens even when our children are in my home. I always say no. I have told my ex that I am not responsible for supporting her other children and will never provide for them financially.
Recently this became a more intense issue on their side because our daughter's birthday and her youngest stepchild's birthday are a week apart and our daughter had a great time and got gifts at both my house and her mom's and she had a big birthday party that I hosted.
While my ex's stepchild didn't get much and had no party (they could not afford one). I had been asked twice to send some gifts for the other child. My ex also wanted the other kids invited, my daughter didn't so they weren't invited. It pissed my ex off.
But then her stepkids lunch accounts went into the negative days after the birthdays were both over and since I topped up our kids, she wanted me to do it for her stepkids and I said no again.
She called me a monster and asked how I could live with myself knowing my children's other family are struggling and are literally drowning in financial difficulty and I could help out but choose not to. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Is it possible to have the kids live with you? What she is doing sounds very manipulative... I truly hope this doesn't turn into a situation where it is making your children feel bad or even make the stepchidlren resent your children over time.
As much as I am for helping any child, you are in the right to not feel obligated to take care of someone else's child. Not only that, she is sure acting entitled about the situation. I would save these messages and see what can be done to make things not just easier on you but the children. If you can, it sounds like they just need to live with you instead.
It is not possible for the kids to live with me full time as of now. In the future they could decide to. But at their age and with these circumstances in place it would not win me custody in court.
If I were you, I would file for sole custody of your children and make her pay you support. Even without the support, your kids would be better off with you.
I won't be given sole custody if I file. It is extremely difficult to get and even with the financial issues unless my ex wanted to give up custody, which she doesn't and wouldn't, it won't happen.
lucyfloa writes:
NTA. You’re doing your part by providing child support and ensuring your own children’s needs are met, which is the purpose of the payments. While it’s unfortunate that your ex and her husband are struggling financially, it’s not your responsibility to support her stepchildren.
It sounds like you’re willing to go above and beyond for your children, including hosting a birthday party and providing for them as needed, but extending that support to children who aren’t yours would set an unfair precedent.
Her other kids’ financial situation is something for her and her husband to handle, and expecting you to fill that gap isn’t reasonable. As long as you’re fulfilling your legal obligations and looking out for your kids, you’re not in the wrong for maintaining those boundaries.
NTA and thank you for listening to your daughter when she chose who to have at her party. Sounds like she finds it a relief to get a break from her step siblings which is true for a lot of children. If you cannot get full custody, Is there anything else you can do to help your children?
Like maybe if they have an interest, you could pay for them to go to a summer camp for it so they can get a break? It sounds like their time at their mother's house is really stressful so any extra time you can get them out is probably better for them.
Yes, they normally enjoy being away from their step and half siblings and getting a break from them where it's just the two of them and they have more space. I do pay for extra curricular activities for my children which gives them an outlet at both homes. Summer camp isn't as easy but I try to help where I can.
irland183 writes:
NTA. We are divorced & I've gone from 2 kids to 5 to 7, full house of 9 people and I cannot financially support my family (new husband can't either).
Because I am so fiscally unaware I want you to increase child support (for the benefit of the 5 kids that are not yours) by 533%, if you don't, you are a bad person, you should be prepared to finance my lifestyle choices, you know, like you did when we were married.