Man reveals the truth about divorce at family lunch, 'I can't change what happened.' AITA?

"AITA for telling someone at family lunch that my ex-wife and I broke up over an investment?"

I (60M) was at a family lunch last Saturday and just talking to a relative about the local Italian community (I am a second generation Italian in my country, as is he) and there is this restaurant which is a meeting place for Italians.

5 years ago, the owner (we were fairly close to him and the community) died and my then wife (57F) wanted to start remodeling it into a more diverse cultural meetup point and/or event location.

She always had crazy ideas like that and ended up spending money on things she ended up never using again (like a boat she spent over 5k from our shared funds on, not to mention the renting costs of the barn in which it rested unused for years and years) and I honestly didn't think anything would come out of it.

But then an artist friend of hers (Marco, 51M) joined in on it and she got more and more caught up in it and I eventually as well. Anyways, I ended up investing about 15k into the project and at some point even let Marcos brother (Nico, 47M) stay in our spare bedroom when he started working for our project as well but had nowhere to go.

There were a lot of fights in this time - over the money for one (we made no profit in over 2 years and I was working there for free every weekend after being done with my 9-5 from Monday to Friday), but I also eventually started fighting with my ex-wife and Nico because he started to spend a lot of time with her even after work was done...

(They are now in a relationship, but only announced it after our divorce was officially through). The home situation was tense, I was worried about my money (I also didn't have a job for a period of over 3 years not that long ago and we have 2 kids just starting university) and also Marco and Nico...

....who became co-owners at some point - had their own family related fighting going on. It didn't last long and when I realized I couldn't keep pumping money in this life-sucking business it all came crushing down - the restaurant and my marriage.

But anyways, when I told the short version of this story to said relative, my daughter (22F) who was also at the lunch, invited me for a smoke break outside. She basically told me that what I told him was not true, and that I'm implying my ex cheated on me with Nico and that's why we broke up, even though our marriage was in shambles before.

I agreed that we had our difficulties even before and that this investment was just the peak of the iceberg, but that we should leave what is done in the past. We argued for a bit and she brought up a couple more unrelated issues from the past until she eventually stormed off, telling me we will talk about this when we next meet up with her therapist.

I feel like her accusations are unfair since in the end it really does boil down to said investment and I can't change what happened in the past, no matter how much she's trying to put all the blame on me. So AITA for telling a distant relative that our marriage ended because of the investment?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

CSurvivor9 said:

You talked crap about your ex in front of your daughter? Not good. You make it sound like it was her and this investment and that, but you never say I. You did things. Your daughter knows this because she was there and witnessed what happened.

It sounds like you were never home, you cared more about this "investment," and abandoned your family. Then, when you took the time to look at them, realized there was nothing left. It wasn't an investment, it was your decisions and choices. Until you face that, yeah, your daughter is going to be pissed.

GhostParty21 said:

YTA. You went to a family lunch where your daughter was present, started going on about your divorce, and blaming your wife solely for the investment and failed marriage. Your wife sounds bad with money but you don’t sound that much better. She had stupid ideas and you chose to invest in them.

You also don’t clearly explain the financial situation or how you handled it. She took 5k (without discussing it?), bought a boat, rented a barn for the boat, never used the boat, and you did…what?

At what point did you try to fix the financial situation or address the behavior? It sounds like there were years of bad decisions by both of you so I get why your daughter took issue with your narrow framing of the situation.

phoinex711 said:

YTA - It sounds like you had a complicated relationship and like all long relationships there are issues with both sides. It sounds like there are many reasons why you two were not compatible.

Financial issues/planning, how to spend your free time, and even allowing people to live with you even though it made you uncomfortable. However, your daughter was trying to point out that you were oversimplifying the issue and some of your actions contributed to the divorce. I recommend you take the time to listen to your daughter and consider some of the things she states.

The real reason I voted for YTA is that you went out to lunch with your friend and daughter. You then spent the time bashing her mother. You have the right to be upset with your ex wife, but I believe you should never speak badly about her in front of your daughter.

bpd_bby said:

YTA according to your comments, there‘s a lot that you‘re leaving out. Also I don‘t see how talking badly about your ex wife in front of your daughter could not lead to an argument. You implying your ex cheated while admitting in the comments that you actually did cheat on her is especially hilarious, how do you not see you‘re in the wrong here?

Separate-Debate3839 said:

YTA- you want to leave the past behind while also not leaving the past behind.

singul4r1ty said:

Sounds like there is an awful lot to this whole situation you are not explaining here. It may be that your recounting of events is correct, but the emotional fallout or how you handled it with your daughter caused it to be very upsetting for her, and so she feels you're recounting it incorrectly. What did she say happened?

OP responded to the comment above with more information:

We did discuss buying the boat, but she promised me back then she would use it regularly since she always wanted to be a sailor since she was a teen and now she knows how to handle a boat after doing a course. I should've known this was a bad idea, since I had to drag her out of multiple bad investments from the very start of our relationship.