Man schedules engagement dinner at spiciest restaurant in town; asks fiancé; 'Why are you SICK? You lied to me.' UPDATED

"My fiancée loves chili margaritas, so I scheduled an engagement dinner at the spiciest restaurant in town."

All our relationship I believed that my girlfriend likes spicy foods. She told me that a long time ago and she frequently orders the spicy options, such as spicy chicken from pei wei. She's kind of known for enjoying spicy foods and will sometimes order chili margaritas and the like.

We've been together for three years and got engaged a couple months ago. I planned an engagement party for the two of us by making a party reservation at a restaurant well known in our area for serving the spiciest dishes of all time.

So I have it set up where it is an 8 course coarse meal and they bring us food increasing in spiciness. I invited all of our friends to this party and her family as well. My family is not around.

My father actually left us when we were kids to marry another woman but that is another story. He later sent us a post card leaving an address to his home in Italy but after trying to send him mail we discovered that address didn't exist.

So I invite everyone and have them hide out in another room until the 3rd course when I would wave them over to surprise her and finish the coarses with us (I couldn't afford to let everyone eat 8 courses).

That actually turned out not in my favor because they made me rent out the event room where they were all hiding. Should've just had them all at the table but hindsight is twenty twenty.

So my fiance didn't know the reputation of this place and I wanted to surprise her to find out they were spicy foods. Everything was going great and she was so excited that I'd finally made time to properly celebrate our engagement.

Well right around the 3rd dish I guess the spice started to kick in because she turned really red and started coughing a lot. This is the point that everyone ran out to give her gifts and to congratulate us.

Well my fiance at this point is spluttering a lot but she is telling people she is so happy they are here and to watch out for spicy food. I genuinely thought she was having a great time because she told me she loves spice so much.

They bring out the fourth coarse and man this one is SPICY. My fiance began trying to eat it and at this point she just burst into tears out of nowhere

We were all baffled and her mom tried to comfort her but my fiance just screams at me that she doesn't even like spices. She then ran out into the parking lot and I followed to comfort her and ask why she lied and she threw up in the parking lot (not even in the grass).

She then ordered a taxi and refused to let me inside. I had to get a ride home with her mom because I was out of money due to the event room I explained about earlier.

All this happened 2 days ago and I can't get my fiance on the phone. She hasn't come home and her mother tells me that she is okay but she is sick and wants to be alone. I don't know what to do at this point.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:

feaalsgy writes:

Now that I've digested this a bit (see what I did there?!) I'm almost positive that this is a case where she got excited for an engagement celebration, realized it was super weird and would result in her likely being so sick the next day, and got upset that OP planned something that was so dumb.

It's like, did you ever mention something to someone offhand about liking something random, like unicorns or something, and then every time you ever see them they talk to you about unicorns?

And any gift you ever get from them has unicorns on it? They're well meaning but just really off base because sure you like unicorns but it's not a huge part of your identity but they somehow think it is... I think this is like that, and she's upset and feels confused that the man she is marrying doesn't really seem to know her at all.

And then ON TOP of all that weirdness everything goes way over OPs head and he accuses her of LYING ABOUT IT WHILE SHE'S LITERALLY PUKING?! Lol. I just can't.

ceraitoi writes:

It stands out that you saw your fiance was emotionally and physically distressed and your made it a priority to "ask why she lied."

You say you went to "comfort her" but I can't imagine you asking why she lied in a moment when her mouth was burning, she felt awful, she just burst into tears and was physically ill from the food, was very comforting. "Not even in the grass"? You can't always control it, not sure why you were bothered with this.

Your idea for the engagement party was... strange. Even for someone who does like very spicy food (which she clearly doesn't) an 8 course meal like that would probably not be something within their limits, and it would probably not be something they chose for their engagement party.

Especially an engagement party where her family and friens had to hide in another room for 3 dishes because you couldn't afford it (this is very... strange and rude socially to do, for what it's worth).

Even if she enjoyed very spicy food (which she doesn't) it would still make her sweaty, make her nose run, make her cough, make her cry, etc.

And then all her guests would have to eat these increasingly spicy dishes--causing them to sweat, cry, cough, etc? And then there's the potential unpleasant aftermath of eating spicy food.... Not exactly what you want to be doing when you're celebrating your engagement--or afterwards.

You need to put yourself in her shoes. She was humiliated in front of her family and friends, you, and strangers at what was supposed to be an engagement party. She's likely thinking about how now people will bring up this story in the future, and associate her engagement with puking her guts out and crying while you run out to say she's a liar.

You planned an engagement party around food that most people would find inedible, and which people who do eat extremely spicy food would have difficulty with due to the fact that you're stacking increasingly spicy foods on top of each other. And now she's been physically sick from the spicy food for 2 days.

I don't see any option but apologizing to her, and perhaps taking her out again as a gesture of goodwill--to somewhere with food she can enjoy.

megasparse writes:

She may have overreacted. But you put her in an intensely uncomfortable situation.

It doesn't matter if you love spice. Everyone has a limit. And she was suddenly thrust into a group of her friends who came out at a random time of the meal (wtf dude 8 courses and you could afford the 3rd on...whatever), which would have been crazily awkward and just weird OP.

The dynamic you created was weird. You created a strange event, that put her on some weird display. It was a waste (inedibly hot food and oh yeah, the utterly weird issue of people coming mid-meal), it was unnecessary and she obviously doesn't see liking spicy food as such an aspect of her personality that she wanted a themed party.

OP I'd like you to consider that this party was ill-conceived and badly planned and just maybe, in your own best interests and not in hers.

She was sick. Emotional. And you respond with asking why she lied?! Maybe ask "are you ok?" "How can I help?" "Do you feel alright" "Do you need to go home" etc.

I don't think you're ready to be married OP. It takes some semblance of emotional intelligence. You should both meet with a counselor.

faigjn writes:

She didn't lie about liking spiciness. I mean, I seriously doubt she was ordering chili margaritas just to be cool.. Obviously she likes some spiciness since she made it to the fourth coarse like a champ.

But it sounds like she hit her limit. And instead of having sympathy, you accuse her of lying. While she's puking her guts out in front of your family.

My mother loves spicy foods. She puts hot sauce on everything. But one time, she tried a hot pepper at a Chinese restaurant and had an embarrassing episode just like your girlfriend.

If my father had even thought about her accusing her of lying during that moment, I am certain my mother wouldn't have been too pleased at all. (Although I don't think she'd have him on ignore for two days. Either that was some serious spiciness or something else is going on between the two of you.)

So stop with the "she lied!" stuff. Until she actually tells you that she lied, just assume this was a dining-out mishap.

drunkonmartinis writes:

This is... bizarre. I guess she could be embarrassed because she got caught embellishing something about her personality, but I don't know. For her to refuse to talk to you for a couple days is super strange, so it definitely seems like she's mad at you for something.

How does she normally act when you have disagreements? Does she fight fair? Have you caught her lying about anything else?

I gotta say this is one of the weirdest posts I've seen. I find your thought processes kind of strange too, though, because I don't really get the jump from "she occasionally orders spicy stuff," to "this is a fundamental part of her identity, let me try to physically kill her with an meal of escalating spice," but maybe I just don't understand spicy food culture?

Is it possible that she's just as baffled as I am and is upset that you just don't understand her?

Like, I think a lot of people would say they "like spicy foods," and order a spicy margarita from time to time but would hate something like this. Maybe she's more upset that you seem to really have missed the mark on an important milestone meal.

Update:

Ok, i feel like the comments explained to me that my fiance had not lied, but rather just became very upset with my idea for an engagement, and also ill from the spice, I called her in tears to apologize for doing this to her.

She told me that she had to go to the ER last night because she was so sick and her mom was worried so she had to get an IV and her throat is raw.

She said she is feeling much better now and will come home tonight to talk to me. I hope I will be able to apologize.

I sometimes have a problem with taking things too literally and misunderstanding people's actions so I hope she will understand that I truly thought she would enjoy the spice escalation dinner and I feel awful for accusing her of lying.

tl;dr: fiance told me she loved spicy food. I planned extravagant spicy food tasting and she became ill and angry and ended up in the ER. She is now feeling better and I hope to be able to apologize in person tonight if she let's me see her.

Yeah. I read an article about basing presents off their interests and I remembered she likes spicy options, so after seeing the advertisement for an 8 course meal of increasing spiciness I thought she would find it romantic.