Man secretly records wife cheating on him; 'My obsession with the video is out of control.' UPDATED 3X

When this man is shocked to find his wife cheating on him, he asks the internet:

"I recorded my wife cheating on me and I can't stop watching it. What should I do?"

A couple weeks ago I decided I wanted to surprise my wife with a kid-free night out. My parents live about an hour and a half away from us and I arranged for the kids to stay with them for the weekend.

Usually, when I go to my parents I am gone until later in the evening. We spend all day there and leave around dinner time. This time, I was dropping the kids off and immediately going home so I could surprise my wife and we could go out as soon as possible. I had made reservations at a nice restaurant and was hoping to go to a few places for some drinks first.

I left at 8:30 and was back in our housing plan before 12:30. As I pulled onto my street I saw a truck parked in front of my house. I did not recognize it. I assumed it was someone seeing the neighbors though because it's not that unusual for someone to park in front of our house.

I parked a few houses away thinking I would sneak into the house and surprise my wife instead of pulling in the driveway and going in the garage.

I went in through a basement door. I was as quiet as possible but as soon as I walked in I heard her making sounds from the floor above. When I first heard it I thought she was just by herself, maybe having some personal time.

I didn’t want to interrupt her privacy and embarrass her so I was going to go back to my car and just go in the garage so she would know I was home. Then I heard a man’s voice. I immediately felt sick. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.

It is hard to describe how I felt in this moment. I decided to go upstairs. I had no desire to confront them, I just wanted to see what was going on. I moved slowly and quietly and went up the stairs. The door was halfway open. The kitchen was empty but I could tell they were in the living room. It was obvious what was going on at this point by the sounds.

There was no way for me to look in the living room without them seeing me. I pulled out my phone and opened my camera app. I put my phone just around the corner of a wall.

This part is so hard to write. I could see my wife with a man I didn’t recognize. I won’t go into detail on what they were doing but I think you can figure it out. I started recording it, I was thinking that I needed a record of it for whatever I decided to do in the future.

I just stood there in my kitchen, watching this all unfold on my phone screen. I felt like I could just scream at any moment but for some reason I just froze completely. This went on for several minutes.

She finally jumped off of him and made a comment about going to the bedroom and they went upstairs. She even made a comment about how much time they had left.

I walked into the living room and found the guy’s pants. I took his wallet out and took pictures of his driver's license. I know his name and his address now. I've never met him. I have no idea how my wife knows him.

I left the house the same way I entered. I went back to my car and cried like the pathetic man I am. I decided to watch the video to make sure it recorded. I watched it all.

I'll spare the details but I sat in my car for at least half an hour. I couldn't drive to my parents and get the kids as I would have to explain why. I decided that I would pull in the driveway, open the garage, and just pretend like I was there to surprise her.

I took my time getting into the house. I made a lot of noise. When I saw her she was very flustered asking me why I was home, etc. She was in a robe and said she was just getting ready for a bath.

I told her about my plans and she seemed excited. She poured us both a glass of wine and said we should pregame before getting ready. I don’t think I talked much really. She took me into the living room. I’m not proud of what I let happen.

I could faintly see the guy sneaking downstairs and going to the basement stairs but I didn’t say or do anything, I just let my wife continue doing what she was doing to me.

Since that day, I have watched the video of her repeatedly. I can’t bring myself to make any decisions on what I should do next. She seems to know something is wrong with me because she’s asked a few times if I’m ok.

I feel worthless and every time I hit a low point I watch that video again. I feel like I've watched it at least 10 times a day since I caught them.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments (and responses from OP):

There are 2 things you SHOULD NOT do in this situation: Don't look for "revenge" against her and/or the guy, it'll just hurt you more and worst case, put you in jail. 2. Don't let her hurt you like this again, because if you stay with her, she will.

OOP: I have spent multiple hours looking up this guy. And so considering options from the ultp sub.

Phragmatron: So what happened to his pants and truck? He run out without his pants? What did wife say about the truck in the driveway? Wife kick his pants under the couch?

OOP: His truck was on the street. I don't know where the clothes went to but I assume she panicked as soon as she heard the garage open.

shoogashooga: So OP I’m a bit confused here. You were still able to go through with your plan to take her out on a surprise date and were able to look her in the face, eat dinner and act like there’s nothing wrong?

OOP: Not really. We didn't stay out late and went home early. She asked a few times if something was wrong. I tried getting drunk to get through it but was just too hard

kpboi writes:

Please talk to a lawyer and go through divorce proceedings. For the love of God get your ducks in a row before doing this (make multiple copies of said video so there’s no way she can tamper with it) and DO NOT let her convince you to “work things out”.

She’ll throw the book of excuses at you “this was the only time” “but the kids”. Ignore all of that and get out while you can. Thank God you had the wherewithal to record the evidence because lord knows how much money you would’ve lost if it was a “he said she said” situation.

It’s gonna be hard with the kids and all but I’m sure they’ll side with you when you decide the time is right to tell them the real story. I feel for you heavy man, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But for the time being you have to power through and put your emotions at bay so you can file for divorce.

tygress0 writes:

First and most importantly - you’re not worthless. Please always remember this. Your value is not related to what someone else does.

You know what you need to do in regards to her. But what you also need to do is take that video off of your phone. I speak from experience, though mine is a little more dated in the medium. I dated and lived with a man for four years and he cheated on me.

He took Polaroids of her wearing my BDSM gear and my sleep mask. I threw up when I first saw them. Yet I kept looking at them. I had to get rid of them. I actually sent them to her since I knew who she was.

My husband cheated, too. But emotionally - and I was given their chats by her when he broke up with her. I read them over and over. There were things in there about him not liking me and other things that gutted me.

I kept referring back to them. Finally I just scanned the papers (she gave them to me in my mailbox as printouts) with a password and stored them somewhere I wouldn’t look at them regularly.

It will take a few weeks until you won’t feel the need to watch it repeatedly. You need to tell a friend or therapist what happened. Someone who you can talk to and cry about it. Then, move on and serve her with divorce papers.

crime2 writes:

DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. OP, what you're doing is grieving. And that is a one hundred percent normal response. Take the time you need.

Remind yourself that you are not worthless. You are a strong man who showed remarkable restraint in the moment. A lesser man would have let his lizard brain take over and done something he'd regret, and possibly got him locked up.

You played it smart (whether you thought so in the moment is irrelevant; it was smart), gathered evidence, and kept the situation under control. You have conducted yourself admirably.

Take the time you need to grieve. Then find a lawyer. Follow his/her guidance. Don't rush to confront your wife or show her the video. There will be time for that later. Make sure you get yourself organized and protected first, because when she finds out that you know, it's likely to kick off.

Make sure you have prepared everything you can before that happens; it will minimize her chances to make additional trouble, and leave you better positioned to deal with whatever trouble she does make.

There are kids involved: it goes without saying that they are the top priority here. What might not be obvious is that you can't look after them if you are a shambles. You know how in the airplane they tell you to put your own mask on first, then your child's? Same here.

Put your own mask on first. Take care of yourself, make sure you have the support you need to come through this more or less intact. You'll be a much more effective advocate for your kids that way.

I'm so sorry she did this to you, OP. I wish you best of luck as you deal with the mess she made here

And now, OP's 1st update:

I stopped watching the video after reading all the comments on my first post. It has helped clear my mind and allowed me to focus on next steps. This has allowed me to be mostly back to my normal self for both my kids and my job.

I have gone through my wife's phone and found nothing.

I searched the guys name from the driver's license. I've figured out how they met. He's a landscaper. She was calling some a few months ago to clean up our yard and ended up getting some mulching and clean up done.

I've driven past his house many times. I think he is single as I couldn't find any records of other people living at that address. I've only seen a truck parked in the driveway when I have driven by.

I have been avoiding my wife after the kids are in bed to try to limit 1 on 1 time. I don't want any awkward conversations and I also don't want to have se%. I have mostly been successful with this but did slip up one night when I had a little too much to drink. I hated myself for it the next day.

I don't believe she has seen him since the day I caught them. I've been paying attention anytime she's gone. I obviously can't track her 100%. I've read about apple air tags but I use android.

I'm guessing any app I would put on her phone may be discovered. I have installed a doorbell camera on our house though so I can always see the street. When i did this my wife didnt say anything.

We continue to do things as a family as we normally would. I have done my best to not let her know what I know and to continue to be a good dad to my kids.

The weird thing I'm dealing with now is that she's planned a night out with a friend for drinks. It's a friend from work so I don't know her at all and I'm not connected with this person on social media.

When she told me I made up some excuse about work and said I couldn't watch the kids. She ended up getting our neighbor to agree to babysit.

Now I'm debating if I should follow her to really see if she's meeting her friend or the guy. It seems like I'm heading towards a confrontation either way when I just want everything to go back to normal.

I'm going to leave my house soon and pretend to be going to work. I'll probably just go to a bar to kill time until I can drive by the place she's supposed to be going to. I'm filled with dread about all of this.

Update 2:

Update 2: I recorded my wife cheating on me and couldn't stop watching the video I've had so many messages asking how I am doing that I felt I should probably post an update.

On the night when she was going out with her friend I still pretended I had work and left the house after the babysitter arrived.

I went to a bar and had a few drinks. Then I drove over to the restaurant she said she was going to. I saw her car in the parking lot. I'm not going to lie, I was on edge and incredibly nervous despite the drinks earlier. I was so worried I would walk in and see her with that guy.

I was hoping to sneak in and get a look without being seen but that failed miserably. She saw me as soon as I walked in the door. She was with her friend and not the guy.

We had the “What are you doing here? Thought you were working” expected conversation. I told her work ended early so I wanted to stop by to say hi since we had a babysitter.

I left after a couple drinks and went home to relieve the sitter. So many of you have commented on my last post that I need to confront her and I decided in that moment that I would. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I got the kids to bed and waited for her to come home.

I watched the video again to remind myself of what happened. When she got home she was surprised I was still up and apparently could tell from the way I looked that something was wrong.

I poured it all out on her. It probably wasn't fair of me, I didn't even let her sit down. I told her everything. I played part of the video to show her what I saw. I called her some harsh names, said she ruined our lives. In that moment i was incredibly angry.

She was very upset, heavily crying and shaking. She told me how terrible she felt about everything that happened. I told her she had to tell me everything that happened with that guy and she laid it all out. She cheated on me twice with him. After the time I saw them she cut things off because she knew it was wrong and she loves me.

I asked her for proof but she said she had already deleted and blocked him on her phone, Facebook, and Instagram. She did tell me that he is single and knew she was married.

She asked me to delete the video but I refused. She asked me why and I really didn't have a reason other than I feel I need to hold onto it for now. She got a little angry at that and asked if I was keeping it to watch again.

It was very late at this point so we decided to go to bed and talk more the next day when we had more time to think. She continued to apologize repeatedly for what she did. We slept separately that night.

Over the next few days things between us seemed better. I felt some relief that it was all out in the open now. We have continued to talk and it feels like we are on a path of staying together and moving past this. I have made it clear that she is never to see or talk to that guy again.

While things feel like they are improving I am still struggling to trust her. Worse yet is that I have a trip coming up for work and I'll be gone for a few days. I've told her that I am not comfortable with leaving right now but I can't skip this trip.

My boss made it clear that I'm needed. She said I could put cameras up in the house to keep an eye on her if it would make me feel better. Sadly I may do that. I'll be gone for at least 3 days.

Overall things are ok. Kids are oblivious that anything is going on and it seems that slowly my wife and I will eventually get back to normal. I hope so at least.

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I have watched the video a few times since all of this. I'm thinking that I should probably delete it so it's gone from my life. I don't know what's wrong with me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Flynn_JM: I remember your first post. Did she say how it went from yard work to him in your bed? What was the development?

OOP: She did. He came to the door to ask to wash his hands in the laundry sink. They struck up a conversation. He came out again to finish up the work and they got to talking again.

They already had each other's phone numbers and she said some texts were exchanged and she basically made up work for him to come out a third time. That third time led to her cheating.