Man shares holiday saga; 'I RUINED Christmas and I have NO regrets.' UPDATED 4X

"I [M 32] ruined Christmas and I have no regrets"

Is anyone else’s family this dysfunctional? Every year there is an argument in my family and after 32 years I was the one who blew up for the first time.

Long story short, i’m half-Korean/half-white. My mom is Korean. My dad side is white. So we only have my Dad’s side here in the US. For years, I watched my some of my dad’s side speak down to my mom.

They never invite her to things. Me and my brother have always been treated like outsiders by some family members. To be frank, I don’t care how i’m treated. Every year, we always bite our tongues and survive the holidays because it’s only 2-3 times a year.

We repeat the process and don’t expect much from these family members. My mom even buys gifts every year for these family members, she gets nothing in return and never complains. My white Grandma is 80 and she’s the only thing anchoring us to some of these family members.

Three times today I watched a family member (Aunt) raise her voice to my mom, speak to her as if she doesn’t speak english and shut her down over simple questions like “where should I sit?”. I watched my mom quietly recoil and I couldn’t stand to see it again.

This aunt does it the most and I finally blew up. I yelled so loud everyone stopped what they were doing. I told them enough is enough, to start treating my mom with respect and as an equal in this house.

To stop speaking to my mom (who’s lived in the US for 35 years) like she doesn’t speak english and stop shutting her down over simple questions. I watched it happen year after year and will not allow it to happen anymore.

My Aunt stomped away and was so upset she left. As she was leaving I walked up to my aunt to hand her my mom’s yearly gift to her. I said “for 30 years I watched my mom give you a gift every year.

I watched her speak to you as an equal with respect. I’ve never seen you treat her with the same”. She didn’t say anything but before she left, she apologized to my mom.

Before I left, I apologized to everyone and explained why I was upset. Everyone was shocked how mad I got. I felt like everyone understood why I was mad.

Prior to this (around thanksgiving) I spoke to some family members about how I was hurt they never included my mom on family things or even texts about family emergencies. Which they have been trying to do more.

After blowing up, it made things awkward. People trickled out early too. Now my grandma is talking about not doing Christmas anymore due to the constant family drama. I feel bad, but i’ve never felt so proud to stand up for my mom. Does anyone have any advice on this? Handling rude family? Should I do something else?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top comments:

ahup writes:

Sorry, but your dad was not being a good husband. If this has been going on for 30 years, your grandma would be 50 at the time, and NOT too old to watch your dad stand up for his wife. If my husband didn't stand up for me like that, I would be devastated.

There should be no tention on that, it should be "honey, tell your family to treat me with respect or I will not spend time with them" and your father says "of course my love, you deserve respect and I will discuss this with them immediately". It doesn't need to create tension and it won't create tension if it was taken care of years ago. Props to you for speaking up tho.

falgp8 writes:

You’re more brave than most people. There’s some issues in my family like my cousins wife will do what she can to not include my aunt and tries to keep her from seeing their children and my cousin doesn’t do anything to stop it or change it. My aunt is too scared to do anything about it because she’s worried that she’ll block any contact for good.

Some people are too scared to deal with what will happen if they bring up the issue but sometimes enough is enough. I think what you did was justified because I’m the kind of person where if somethings bothering me enough, I’ll say something.

Plus my face would say it all if I didn’t say anything. Maybe you all just need a family meeting and try to talk things out. I’m sure overtime things will get better and if they don’t well then they are disrespectful and they don’t deserve your families time and effort. I feel like your family has dealt with it for too long.

haptyrd writes:

I did this about five years ago and completely cut off those family members from my life after that. My mother, father, and sisters continued their relationship.

It pains me to know that despite my attempts at correcting the situation over many years and my eventual blow up then severing ties with the toxic person, my family chooses to continue ignoring the situation and passively accepting it, even (in my eyes) asking for the bullshit (by remaining steeped in family tradition and visiting during holidays, taking phone calls, etc.).

I don’t feel guilty for severing ties with the asshole family member per se, but I do feel bad/guilty that my family is now bothered, on top of all the bullshit they face with her disrespecting my mother (among other things), she keeps bothering them about how awful I am and how terrible it is I’ve cut her out of my life.

I almost relent and speak with her just so she will leave my family alone, but my life is so much better not having to feel like I actively welcome her drama. I hope your situation resolves itself without further issue.

Tl;dr: I did this and then cut out my family member. The entire point of my blow up was to stop it from happening, but my family maintains a relationship and it didn’t do anything. I feel guilty for severing ties because she won’t stop bugging my family, but I just can’t deal with her bullshit (that she hasn’t stopped) and apparently they can. I hope this doesn’t happen with your situation.

stingray writes:

What you did was noble, you stood up for your mom and also called your family out in their bullshit. You’ve bitten your tongue and held it together for the sake of your family and they were not kind enough to return the courtesy.

Your grandma can cancel Christmas is she wants to, but realize that you defended your mom when no one else had for 30 years. That is powerful and brave.

You even got your aunt to apologize, which is impressive that considering prolonged bad behavior is generally apologized for. It may hurt that the rest of your family doesn’t understand the source of your anger but you did what was right.

And now update 1:

Mom’s reaction: On the car ride home my mom expressed some words about my aunt which she never does about anyone. She’s always taken the high road it’s a very Korean Christian mom approach.

My mom’s method of being a pacifist is very much an older Immigrant/Korean/boomer approach too. It’s taught me a valuable skill in life. I don’t regret picking my battles and that’s why i’m so appreciative of being Korean/white. After we left, she gave me a very long mom hug. She didn’t say anything and asked me if I wanted my favorite Korean dish.

Where is my dad: He was in the other room. Yes, my dad could have done more over the last 35 years. He’s gotten in arguments with everyone my whole life including this aunt. We’d be fighting every year with someone new if we didn’t pick our battles.

We would have stopped going years ago but mom wants to go out of respect for my grandma. My dad is the only one who isn’t petty about dumb shit. Defending my mom is everyone’s responsibility not just my dad. Including my grandma, aunts, other family and me.

As soon as I got loud my dad came into the room and stood guard (I can’t describe it). There wasn’t much for him to say or do because he didn’t hear it. I was quick to unload and my aunt immediately walked away because she was embarrassed.

My white side has a “keep grandma” happy approach which is dumb. For years my dad would be on the verge of saying things and my mom would demand that he didn’t.

Me: Reflecting on this as a whole. I can’t believe the response. It shows you everyone has screwed up family in some way. After Thanksgiving I started to speak to family one on one which has had good response. I have no relationship with this aunt.

I should have pulled her aside even as the nephew who’s 30 years younger. A small part of me regrets it and will be glad to sit down with her still. If she’s not willing to try or work it out (like the other people responded), “F her”. Please don’t use my experience as a reason to blow up on anyone.

I should have tried to speak and I did what I felt was right, I don’t regret it.. Grandma’s 80th Bday is in two months. I can’t wait for that to be awkward.

Someone made the comment that people cant be educated until you give them a chance to be aware of their actions, which is fair. Regardless people will now think twice to be rude to my mom. Cheers and have a Happy New Years!

Update 2:

I wanted to update the kind people who took the time to give me advice and affirmation last Christmas when I really needed it. I wanted to provide an update how Christmas and the year went.

Long story short.. I’m half-Korean and half-white. My white family has always been rude to my mom and treats her as an outsider. Every year my mom brings gifts for everyone and gets nothing in return. She never causes drama but gets treated like crap and I think it’s because of their own biases.

My white grandma is 80 and the last grandparent alive. She is the only reason we get together with them. After 32 years I finally blew up on a rude family member (my aunt) who disrespected my mom... with a few expletives.

I blew up in front of the whole family demanding that the behavior needs to stop. My actions ended Christmas because everyone left quickly after. I felt liberated for standing up for something I’ve been feeling for years. Last year I was looking for advice on how to manage the fallout of what I did.

Update 3:

The year has been interesting.. Immediately after Christmas I sent an apology letter to my aunt. It went against some advice but my letter requested to not let the situation impact the family.

I left the lack of any relationship in her hands and shared everything can change if she gives my mom a little more respect. I decided to send a letter because she lives three hours away and I’ve never spoken to her on the phone more than 30 seconds. I didn’t think a phone call would help or fix the situation, especially after I blew up.

After Christmas I apologized to my grandma for what I did. I let my grandma know I sent an apology letter to my aunt. My grandma told me she is and always wants my mom to feel like she is part of the family.

I could tell my grandma was on the verge of crying when she said that. My grandma told me blowing up was not ok but understood why I did it. Hearing that felt really good.

In regards to the letter. I got no response. My aunt denied ever getting it. We know my aunt got the letter because when my grandma confronted her about last Christmas my aunt went into a rant about several things I mentioned in my letter. My grandma did tell my aunt what she did was wrong and she needed to change.

In February my aunt didn’t come to my Grandmas 80th birthday party. She told other family members she didn’t want to “cause an argument” so she didn’t want to come. My aunt didn’t come to my grandma’s on Mother’s Day dinner because she supposedly had to work. My family didn’t get together the rest of the year.

Thanksgiving and Christmas came. Things are not perfect but Thanksgiving and Christmas went really well this year. I was going to post after Thanksgiving but the gathering was smaller than usual and I wanted to see how Christmas went.

During Thanksgiving and Christmas everyone was very kind to my mom. It felt like everything shifted. Everyone spoke to her differently and it feels really good. My mom got to help in the kitchen for the first time ever. I know that sounds dumb but my mom has always wanted to help cook because she loves to cook. It was the first time she didn’t spend the whole day in the living room.

At one point during Thanksgiving my mom asked me to help her dry dishes. While we were washing/drying dishes my mom was smiling the entire time. At one point my mom stopped putting dishes away and randomly hugged me. We laughed and had fun the entire time. No one argued. No nasty remarks. My mom was treated as an equal and it felt really good.

In regards to the aunt that I yelled at last year. She came late to Thanksgiving. So late, we were eating when she arrived. At Thanksgiving my mom did initiated the first interaction with my Aunt. She was not very conversational but polite to my mom. My aunt didn’t look at me the entire time.

When she arrived I went to say hello and she turned away and kept her distance the entire time. She basically stated in a different room the entire time. She also left early and was the first to leave. The best part? I don’t care. I apologized and left future in her hands. If she treats my mom well she will get nothing but respect in return.

Christmas was as if nothing happened. My aunt didn’t really talk to me but she was incredibly nice to my mom. I’m ok with that. Both my parents said they have never seen my aunt so nice before. My mom got to help in the kitchen just like Thanksgiving.

This year for the first time it felt like my mom was an equal in the family. Everyone was incredibly nice. No arguments, snide remarks or drama. I regret yelling but it changed everything. I think it put everyone on notice they need to change.

There was a lot of questions and comments about my dad. The comments was hard to hear but true. It helped me reflect on what my dad has/hasn’t done. The truth is my dad has been the glue of the family for years.. he spends so much time being the middle man and trying to repair issues.

At times it’s been at the expense of my mom. Regardless, my dad’s lack of actions over the years doesn’t make it right. Over the summer I told my dad what I felt. I told him that I was disappointed in him and that his family has never been kind to my mom. I told him he should have done more.

My dad didn’t take it well but he told me I did the right thing. My relationship with my dad is complicated. I know though I’m not going to make the same mistakes he has. We are different people and I will do whatever is needed.

If you’re reading this and have a similar situation. If you have people or someone rude in your family, try to take a moment to sit someone down. Hear them out and try to do the right thing from the start.

When you have the convo, stay calm. If they are not willing to hear you.. then make it known. Blowing up could have gone either way and I’m lucky it fixed things.

Try to loop in other family members before or after so they understand your reasons and can back you for your choice. My post last year gave me affirmation what I did was right, follow your heart.. it might fix years of issues.

TLDR: Last Christmas after witnessing years of rude behavior towards my Korean mom I blew up on a my aunt in front of the entire family. I demanded the behavior need to stop... with a few expletives.

After I blew up it ruined Christmas. I tried to take the high road and apologize. The year was quiet and My aunt avoided the family until Thanksgiving/Christmas. Everything with my family has shifted and my mom is treated really well for the first time that I can remember. I’m glad I did what I did. Thank you for the advice.

Update 4:

Because of COVID, my grandma is in her 80s, and in declining health, we don’t do Holidays together. In early 2021 My brother and SIL moved back from Korea during COVID in 2020. We made Christmas amazing.

My SIL is from Korea and we made Christmas amazing for her. We make her a full member of our family. We haven’t even seen my fathers side. Now we do Christmas with just my parents, no extended family.

My parents cook Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I feel bad my Grandma celebrates with only one aunt (who looks after her). In some ways I’ve come realize she contributed to the dynamics too.

I truly love the holidays now. I’m now seeing someone and our families hang out. In some ways my mom gets to be the head female for the family, she doesn’t have to hide anymore.