Man shares parenting saga; 'My wife had a mental break when I left her alone with the kids.' AITA? UPDATED

"My wife had a mental breakdown when I left her alone with the kids. AITA?"

5 days ago, my wife (25F) gave birth to our second child, our daughter, and then our son (3M) came home 2 days later. For the past 5 days, I (25M) have put myself on baby duty every night and giving my wife a full-night’s sleep as well as getting the kids up and ready for the day.

Yesterday morning, I had gotten the kids ready to go out after pulling another all-nighter (I don’t mind it as it gives me some one on one time with baby girl and gives me a chance to get my run back with Radahn) as well as gave my wife the chance to get herself ready at her own pace as she’s still recovering.

She’s doing amazing but started to feel bad about me not getting any sleep. I told her it’s okay and I’m fine with it, but last night, before I put our son to bed, I asked my wife if she could watch the kids for a moment while I went to the bathroom.

When I came back, she had obviously been crying. I immediately went into panic mode but she calmed me down explaining that her “menty-b moment” was caused by her feeling like she wasn’t doing enough and that she felt horrible that I was choosing to stay with our daughter rather than getting any sleep.

I understood her and she sent me to bed when she woke up this morning after I got a night of intermittent sleep.

I know I shouldn’t feel like an AH, but I always overthink and, as a dad, I never feel like I’m doing enough or what I do compares to what my wife does. She’s amazing and just went through childbirth and I just want to give her the time she needs to recover. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top comments and responses from OP:

Commenter 1: Let me make sure I have this straight, this thread is about both parents feeling like jerks because they feel like they aren't doing enough to help the other parent rest?

This has to be a humble brag, right? NAH, and let your wife know not to worry. She did the heavy lifting the last trimester (really the whole pregnancy) and that you are happy to carry the load a bit until you can't, and by then she should be rested enough that you two can walk forward together.

OOP: A bit of both. but I truly do feel like I need to be doing more. I want to prove that not every man is doing just the bare minimum and that I can take care of our kids and be trusted just as much as mothers are by default.

fless6 writes:

NTA. At six days post partum, I saw my best friend burst into tears because she was reminded that deer exist. The hormones are insane at this time. Don't take it personally, just keep giving her time to recover. Sleep is what you both need right now.

My friend and her husband instituted a five hour shift sleep cycle. She slept the first 5 hours of the night completely uninterrupted, and then he got the next five hours completely uninterrupted.

They could sleep during each other's shifts, but they had to get up with the baby. It was a game changer for them to have each had a good stretch of sleep each night. Just a suggestion for you guys, to ensure you both get a good sleep!

funhaz writes:

You're definitely not an AH , you’re doing a wonderful job supporting your wife and caring for both of your children during this transitional time. It’s completely natural to feel overwhelmed and to overthink things, especially when you want to be the best partner and parent you can be.

zonelow writes:

OP, sounds like you are rocking the dad and husband thing. She is just physically and mentally beat, and those crashing hormones are no joke. I remember crying in the hospital on day 1 after realizing, when she cried or needed something, I was the one in charge of providing it.

My husband had run home to call all the family and I was like, how on earth do I do this? The nurses hugged me and told me it that was normal, and husband was back in a jiffy.

Keep an eye on her mood, as PPD is not uncommon but can devolve. You are doing everything right and honestly, don't let yourself get run down, either. Having kids is like 1000 marathons; you gotta pace yourself. Congrats! You will all be fine. NTA

cramet5 writes:

I don't have kids, but it sounds like you guys are both doing fine. She'll be suffering a lot of hormonal changes which can make you emotional/ easily set off.

You've been doing great, looking after your kids while still getting plenty of "me" time. She's been doing great because she just gave birth to a small person and still offered you a night to sleep.

Please don't seriously deprive yourself of sleep - like if you've actually gone 5 days with no sleep then that can cause some really serious long-term health issues.

I'm sure you guys will figure out a rota soon, but if you want to keep staying up at night (maybe you guys can do shifts?) maybe just explain to her that you actually secretly enjoy having downstairs to yourself at night (assuming that's really true) and getting that 1-to-1 time with your new daughter. If she knows you're actually loving the present arrangement, maybe she will feel better.

Just remind her that she's already done so much by carrying the baby for 9 whole months, and then physically giving birth. I'm sure she does a lot through the day too, so just make sure she understands you're giving her a break because she deserves it and it's fun for you.

redwood6 writes:

NTA! You are the opposite of an asshole. You’re doing a fantastic job. Your post reminded me of the time I sat just 5 feet away from my newborn and my husband, bawling because 5 feet away was too far from my infant.

The fluctuating hormones and the accompanying insanity are completely normal. But I do suggest educating yourself about post-partum anxiety and depression. You are in the best position to determine if your wife may need additional support.

Update:

So… a lot of people saw my last post. I mean a LOT. and too many people commented to get to every comment and respond. I apologize for that and I thank you all for the supportive words I do not, however, appreciate any slander towards my wife.

For a little context, I felt like TA because I made my wife cry while leaving her with the kids, regardless of her telling me that it was a) only for a trip to the bathroom, and b) necessary for me to sleep in our own bed. Secondly, I currently have 6 weeks off of work for child bonding so work is no sweat as of now.

Thirdly, whomever commented that we should take shifts, you all get cookies! We discussed taking shifts starting tonight with me taking the night/early mornings. And finally, there is a whole host of backstory on why we’re both a bit emotional.

This is our second child, but our third pregnancy. Niff, our daughter, is our rainbow baby who we thought we wouldn’t have. Not just for the reason mentioned, but we nearly divorced two years prior in a particularly nasty way. A commenter found one of my previous posts and asked why I stayed with her.

For context, almost two years ago, we were drinking at a friend’s birthday party and some very hurtful things were said that couldn’t be taken back. Even after sobering up, I was too hurt to move on and I told her I wanted to divorce. We both knew it was because alcohol was the problem and she swore she would get help. The idea that we needed CC and IC was also thrown in.

We both uncovered problems that needed resolving. Long story short, we focused on fixing the problems in ourselves and our marriage and started breaking generational cycles. Unfortunately, a lot of roadblocks came our way during our healing.

My good friend of 10+ years cut me off for choosing to give my wife another chance, her mom got arrested, we moved into a smaller house, another friend tried to break us up, my father passed away, I could go on, but you get the point.

Fast forward to October 2023, we are is such a spot that we have BOTH been sober since that party and we were more in love with each other than ever and we talked about a second baby.

We find out that she’s pregnant mid-October and start planning a reveal for Thanksgiving for family. Then, a few days after Halloween, she miscarries. This is where the feeling of not doing enough comes in.

I am at work, 35 miles away, when she needs to go to the hospital, and the person who she thought was her “best friend” for 8-ish years chooses not to go with her, so she had to go by herself on top of trying to wrangle and stay strong for a rambunctious toddler. I felt horrible and even with therapy, I haven’t really been able to move on from that.

So when she got pregnant with our daughter, I did every little thing for her with gusto. Obviously leading up to, and exceeding past, birth. Evolving into a mantra of “I will be the best husband and father I can humanly be.” Which leads to another common comment I’ve been seeing: her “menty-b moment.”

We both have a dark sense of humor and make light of our pain before helping each other through a problem. So her saying that she had a “menty-b,” she was just breaking the ice of her problem. Leading to the related problem some people seem to have: a little bit of crying is “not a mental breakdown.”

A) you have no right to say someone is or isn’t going through something, regardless of circumstance, and, b) I downplay because privacy.

But I guess I need to say that while I went to the bathroom, and our son was in his room and our newborn was fast asleep, my wife sobbed at her hands and knees fearing that she might fall down that path again and I was only taking on so much responsibility because she’s afraid I’m only preparing to take them in case she does spiral.

When someone posts something a bit vague, it’s not necessarily for ulterior motives.

This post was made to answer any questions people had regarding the other one and to give background on our marriage so, I may not update again. I do sincerely thank everyone who was kind in the comments, especially all the moms who mentioned the “5 Days” thing, it gave my wife a laugh and some relief!

OOP: Upon reflection and consulting with my therapist, we believe the friend that cut me off was trying to get me to leave my wife for her. That’s what the friend who was trying to break us up was trying to do as well. My wife usually is a great judge of character and she has a very big heart and she really has come a long way.

I didn’t want to have to put all her growth in the post but I can rattle some stuff off. She went to AA, she learned how to drive, she started setting boundaries with friends and family, she was the one who ended the friendship with her ex-bf, just to name a few accomplishments.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Sending u both so much love. It sounds like you've been through the wringer, but ur hanging in there. Stay strong ,You're doing great.

OOP: It’s been a rough year, yeah but we’re making it through. Thank you for the kind words.

I’m so glad you managed to have a conversation with her about this. You’re a good husband and father, and she will appreciate all the support you’re giving her. I’m glad the ‘5 Days’ suggestion made her laugh, that’s just what you need to do - keep joking with her if that’s what she enjoys, just continue to be there to support her.

And make sure you look after yourself as best you can. Stay strong, you’re doing a fab job. You’ll both be ok!

OOP: Something she told me was, “You don’t get an achievement for getting X amount of sleep.” All I can say is therapy has done wonders!