Man shares paternity saga; 'There's a chance my daughter isn't mine.' UPDATED

"Found out there is a chance my daughter isn't mine biologically."

I (m43) feel like my world is crashing. My wife (f41) and I have 2 kids m15 and f12. I love my kids and love being a dad. I have stuff in common with both my kids. But my daughter is like my little best friend we get along so well and have so much in common and our personalities just mesh well together.

Look wise my son looks like both myself and my wife but favors me. While my daughter looks just like my wife seeing childhood pictures of my wife she and my daughter could be twins.

Now onto the story so last night my wife and I were grocery shopping. When all of a sudden my wife goes pale white and starts shaking a bit. I was freaked out after 20 or so minutes she calmed down but after she wouldn't talk to me or even look at me. Finally, at the car, I asked what was going on.

She confessed that there was a chance our daughter wasn't biologically mine. Right around the time she would have gotten pregnant with our daughter, she had gone on a trip for work.

Well, on her last night there she saw this guy she went to high school with and they were talking and drinking and one thing led to another they ended up having a drunk hookup. And just the timing of everything there is a chance the daughter I have been raising for 12 years isn't mine biologically.

That guy she ended up seeing in the store and that's why she acted the way she did.

I am getting a paternity test ASAP and if I'm being honest I haven't been able to look at my daughter since finding this out. My wife and I haven't talked really since I just let her know I am getting a paternity test. And I am just in shock honestly.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top comments:

vountain writes:

Regardless of the outcome, please don't withdraw from your daughter. You are still her dad. You raised her, you bonded with her, you cultivated this beautiful father-daughter relationship which means so much to both of you.

Pulling away and going cold on your little girl when she loves you so much will be a kick to the gut. It will really hurt her, no matter what you'll do. There is no "easy" or "gentle" way to withdraw affection from a child who depends on you.

All she'll hear is "Daddy doesn't love me anymore and he threw me away because we don't share DNA," and she'll spend the rest of her life feeling worthless and betrayed because DNA doesn't change her love for you, but you are letting it destroy your love for her.

deeef writes:

Whatever the biological story is with your daughter, the relationship is real and the only thing she will understand a change in. I hope you'll see a way of separating your wife's infidelity and, if your daughter's not biologically yours, that your daughter is still 'yours' and always will be if you'll let her.

This may be a tipping point in her life, as well as yours and you have a chance to reduce the harm done to her, even if you can't avoid the harm done to you. Best to you. This is some bs.

flounaaadert writes:

A lot of people will be telling you that being anything less than super dad to your not-bio daughter will make you an evil, heartless bastard. However, it's not unheard of for men to suddenly lose all sense of attachment to children that they find out are not theirs, either because they (faultlessly) are a source of pain, or for unexplained reasons.

It's also not unheard of for them to say or do things that are less than graceful out of emotion. I'm not going to tell you how to act-it's a messy situation with no perfect answers. Whatever you do, know that you have a right too grieve and feel angry; that your feelings do matter. But also make sure that it is something that you will be able to live with in the long term.

craaertyghghgh writes:

While what your wife did is morally bad, I’d like to try and reassure you about your situation. I am the fat carbon copy of my mom facewise.

You could never tell my dad is my dad unless you stare at our hands. I am 100% sure my dad is my biological dad, I did a DNA test and it matches everything I was told from both sides.

My brother doesn’t look anything like our parents, but somehow when we were younger, people thought we were fraternal twins. I’m not tall, he is, I’m a woman and look younger than I am. People say they can tell we’re related.

My sister looks a lot like my mom facewise, and brainwise she looks a lot like my brother and my father. They’re all alike and I feel alienated. I only learned late into my teenage years that my sister is biologically my half-sister.

No one could ever tell. My dad always knew as my parents got married after the birth of my sister. My mom showed me a few pictures of my sister’s biological father, they share the same nose and lip shape/smile. But if my mom had never told me who he was I would’ve never seen it.

vagande writes:

What a terrible thing to find out. So sorry you are going through this. Im sure you’re in a state of disbelief, but there are (sadly) lots of stories on Reddit where this has occurred.

Fathers have been able to maintain positive relationships with the children in question if this is something you want to do moving forward. Keep in mind that your daughter is in no way responsible for this, and the relationship you forged was based on personalities and shared experiences, not DNA.

Give it some time before making any decisions. You are entitled to a grieving period for the loss of deeply held beliefs. Nothing has to be decided immediately. However, you should probably speak to a lawyer so you understand all of the options and ramifications of potential actions. Therapy might also help process your feelings and give you tools to help move forward.

Regarding your wife, this a deep betrayal. Not just the cheating, but the ongoing twelve year lie. Clearly she always had this in the back of her mind, or the reaction in the grocery store would not have been so extreme.

Only you can decide if you will ever be able to trust her again or want to maintain the relationship. Again, this decision does not have to be made right away. I wish you the best.

vashunnn writes:

I understand the DNA test I really do but the only thing that it’s going to change is that you’ll know proof positive that your wife cheated on you. That’s if it comes back to say that the little girl you raised and meshed so well is not a match to you.

Does that make that little girl any less your daughter, does that make you any less her father? Being a father is more than DNA it’s all the moments you and your daughter experienced together from birth to now and going forward.

Will that test erase all those memories from your and hers memory? Are you really going to step away from your daughters life if you’re not related by DNA?

And now, OP's update:

Hi everyone I know it's been a while since my first post life has been extremely hectic. For those who didn't see the original post. I found out my wife had cheated and there was a chance my daughter wasn't biologically my kid because of the time of her affair and when she got pregnant with my daughter overlapped.

We got a paternity test done on both kids ASAP. I explained to both kids not only why this needed to get done but also that this doesn't change my relationship with them because I raised them and love them.

We got the results and let me tell you they were not what I had expected. My daughter who initially thought had the chance of not being mine was my biological kid. Instead, I found out my son wasn't biologically my son. I questioned my soon-to-be ex-wife.

Turns out she had an affair with my brother for a short period… I was in shock, to say the least, she tried saying she only cheated once before she became pregnant with my daughter. Now I'm finding out that biologically my son is my nephew. Since then I made my ex-wife move out.

My son decided to stay with his mom and hasn't talked to me which I understand is confusing for all of us and he's a 15-year-old boy. But I have texted him off and on Just letting him know I love him and in my eyes he’ll always be my son because I raised him.

My daughter is staying with me still. We are both in therapy after this whole situation. I've been trying to contact my ex-wife to get our son in there but she hasn't returned any of my calls or response to my text.