Man shares family drama saga; 'I'm canceling Thanksgiving and banning my MIL.' AITA?

"AITA for canceling Thanksgiving and banning my MIL?"

Mother law constantly tries to parent our kids when we are together. My wife has spoken to her and told her to stop. MIL is completely oblivious to the fact that what she is doing is crossing a major boundary for us.

At a family event last weekend my 9 year old was running (not fast but just being a boy) and she grabbed him and restrained him and told him to stop running. He was in no danger or a danger to anyone else. I was also standing right there as I am very vigilant when with my kids.

I asked my wife what happened and she lied to me and said she wanted him to come sit at a table to talk to relatives.

I flipped out and canceled thanksgiving at our house and after speaking to my wife, banned my mother in law from our house while we get some space and try to save our marriage.

This parenting thing has been going on for years. It’s nothing new. My wife and I constantly argue about this to the point where I think divorce is the only solution as she doesn’t think what her mom is doing is wrong.

She does however, understand that it is a boundary for me and has been trying to work on it. Her mom is impossible though.

AITA for canceling thanksgiving and banning her from the house for not respecting my boundaries? Putting hands on my kid was the final straw.

Let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

fagdhout writes:

Seems like you are wildly overreacting AND you appear to be leaving out some information. For example, this family event: Where was it? Was it at MIL's house? if so, if she doesn't want running in her house, she doesn't want running in her house. Your opinion about danger is kinda immaterial.

And I would guess that she's more worried about her collection of porcelain Precious Moments figurines getting dashed to hell by a running kid than "danger". Whatever, its not your house, so she gets to make a "no running" rule whether you agree or not.

If this family event was at a park however, yeah MIL is way out of line. THAT all said... divorce? Seriously? _this_ was the last straw? again you seem to be leaving a LOT out because this seems a WILD overreaction. In absence of other information. YTA.

cascada writes:

NTA. You need to make it very clear to your wife that if MIL persists in this behavior and especially if your wife enables it by lying about it, that a divorce will happen.

Your MIL does not respect boundaries or your children. You’re right to draw these boundaries and certainly right to ban MIL from Thanksgiving.

angelblade4 writes:

YTA - Banning someone else’s mother from your home is not a boundary that you can set. You can’t block your wife’s mother from your shared home without speaking with her first.

Also, kids running around in public spaces is always dangerous, regardless of how vigilant you are. My God you sound controlling as hell, to actually ban your wife’s mother from your home and then call it a boundary.

factcheck writes:

It's not unreasonable to tell a child not to run indoors, especially when the child is not in their own home. Also, your son was a danger to himself, others and to the property of the home owner. Running indoors is not a good idea and "just being a boy" is not an acceptable reason to do so.

You can disagree with your MIL about running indoors, but you went nuclear by unilaterally cancelling Thanksgiving and banning you MIL from your home. Also, I have a hard time believing that you're contemplating divorce due to the sole issue of your MIL "parenting" your kids. There has to be missing information here. YTA

OP replies:

She constantly does it. Last month when we got back from his bday party, she told him he couldn’t open a present because it was close to bed time. I was standing right there letting him open a present.

We have been to couples therapy and the therapist suggested we create these boundaries and agree to them and we are our family and her mom has no business acting as a parent to our kids.

There’s hundreds of examples of her over stepping like this. This wasn’t a once off, it was the final straw and my wife lied to me about what happened. I checked with her when it happened because i didn’t want to create a scene and I thought her and I were on the same page.

She said she got my kid to go sit at a table to talk to relatives. It turns out she was restraining him to stop running. He was trying to break away from her and she wouldn’t let him go. He wasn’t scared but she was being physical with him. We had numerous relatives say how well behaved our kids are at the event

forgenonw writes:

NTA. Everyone in the comments is focusing on this one incident, but it’s clearly written to show that the MIL oversteps often and that this is just the most recent example.

Even “small” things like this become overbearing if they’re happening all of the time. If anything, a MIL who is constantly policing small actions like this all of the time is worse than someone only steps in infrequently on “big” issues.

greenmile writes:

Yta. Have you ever heard the expression “it takes a village to raise a child”? It is of benefit to your child of any person in your friends& family community grabs their arm and tells them to stop running.

For hundreds of years children have taken learning and instructions from aunties and uncles and grandmas and friends of the family. It is good for them.

Looking around the world, the countries where children are taught to have respect for elders seem to be the more successful cultures by happiness and community metrics.

Your objection is 100% pride. You are thinking that this is MY child and only I have authority. That’s not about the child, that’s pure ego.

corroab writes:

NTA. There’s so many red flags here. Adult child afraid to step up to parent. Overbearing woman who oversteps and goes to violence to discipline…

Info: was your wife a child abuse victim? Your relay of her behavior seems like it. Info: had MIL verbally tried to stop the running before grabbing the kidlet? Still not okay that she laid hands on the boy in anger, but old people can be old dumb at times.

You’ve been with this woman at least 10ish years. You obviously care about her. Take the break from MIL. I think the family member it will be best for if your wife. It seems like she was broken down too many times herself by MIL to fight back.

And, DO NOT ACCUSE HER, but keep an eye out for child abuse signs in your kid and work on making your family stable. Honestly, you may have to skip Christmas with MIL, too. Work on the trust between wife, you and the boy. Then add in other family again.

And watch mil around your boy, if he wasn’t scared, it’s not the first time someone has grabbed him in anger. I am a child abuse survivor; every time I stopped being scared and for a high number of therapy group members I’ve been assigned with over 30 years of being allowed treatment stop being scared after so many times of surviving the same act.