Man shares the saga of leaving his fiancé of 8 years. 'This was the ultimate betrayal.' AITA? PART 1 OF 2 PART STORY
When this man decides to leave his fiancé of 8 years, he asks the internet:
"I have decided to leave my fiancé of 8 years. AITA? PART 1 of 2"
I kind of just need some advice on how to process what I need to do over the next couples of weeks.
For some quick background information, me 28M and her 28F have known each other since we were 13. We were bestfriends for years and we both dated during these times of being friends. I had girlfriends and she had boyfriends, but we were always close.
Honesty, I think a lot of prior relationships failed because our partners couldn't handle the fact that our best friend was of the opposite sex. Anyway, after years of being best friends we got drunk one evening while being home for college and slept together.
It was the best sex I have ever had, and she says the same. After that we joked about being FWB's. We did for a couples months but our emotions started to really grow for each other, and we both admitted to always having a crush on each other, everyone said we did anyway.
So we started dating. We had what many would consider the perfect relationship. No real issues and our arguments were few and far between (not to mention usually petty). A year ago I proposed and she said yes and we planned our wedding for the fall. So here we are.
Anyway we had our bachelor/bachelorette parties about a month ago and we told each other what we were going to do. Me and my buddies were going to the amusement park, not going to say which one, during the day.
Then go out drinking and riding four-wheelers and gators on trails (we only had a couple to be safe, we were by no means drunk).
Then after that was done for the evening we were going to go back to my place and barbeque, play board/card games and video games and get smashed lol. My stbx fiancé plan was to go to the spa in the morning, go to the winery for the day and then go back to their hotel for the evening and order in room service and play games (what I don't know).
We both insisted on no strippers. I for one do not really care as I am a confident man and am confident in my package. My stbx however, didn't want me seeing other women naked. I said I had no issue with that as strip clubs/strippers aren't really my thing and same for her.
I have nothing against people in the field just not for me. Anyway our nights go without any problems and then she comes about day later. Everything seemed normal and we have continued to finish up the wedding. We are getting married in October, so it is coming up.
Well anyway over the weekend, took me some time to process, my buddy calls me and ask me to come over to help him with something. No problem. Anyway I get there we work on the little project he needed help on, only took about an hour. I said to my buddy "I think you could have done that on your own dude (as a joke)".
He says, "Yeah, but this isn't really the reason I had you come over". I asked him, "Then what I am I here for"? He takes me into his home where his wife, a good friend of my stbx, is sitting at the table crying. I asked, "Dude is she okay"? He says, "Yeah but she has something to tell you".
His wife just says, "I am so sorry". She goes on to to tell me that the day of their party they went to the spa, and the winery, but they made a detour on the way back to the hotel. They went to a strip club.
Apparently, a girl from college my stbx is good friends, who for which I have never cared for, had been wanting to go the club. She had been telling my stbx that she really wanted to go and the others all day. My stbx and my buddy's wife were like no, but all the other girls were insistent.
Anyway the apparently get my stbx really drunk at the winery and she says verbatim, "fxxk it, let go to the club and see some hot guys". My buddies wife goes, but mainly to make sure my stbx doesn't do anything to stupid. They get to the club and they do the normal strip club shit.
Throw money at guys and drink. Well her friend from college whips out a hat and some furry looking thing and says "we have a soon to be wife here, she needs one last good night of fun". She then proceeds to get some stripper over there and is throwing money at the guy to give my stbx a lap dance. Like I said, it is whatever, but I do not like the lying.
I said "Even though I am not happy about the lying, that really doesn't bother me." My buddy says, "Tell him the rest".
She goes on to say that he took my wife into the "backroom" for a private dance for all the girls. Anway my buddies friends declines and goes back to the car. After about 10 mins she goes back in to see what is going on and see my stbx blowing the stripper to completion with her friends cheering her on.
Now, I swear this isn't some bs crap made up like the shit you see on porn sites where porn stars are "taken women". My stbx literally blew a stripper. My buddy's wife took pics and a video to cover her own ass when this eventually came out (no one has a clue).
I asked her to send them to me and she did. I told them thank you and left. I called my brother, because he was the only person I could think to call in that moment. I knew my brother did some bouncing when he was younger, but I didn't know he worked at strip clubs.
He said that was all to common. He said male strippers are actually encouraged to have the female visitors touch them as they will stay longer and spend more money.
He said, "I'd don't like to think about how many men are raising some strippers kid". This was a few days ago and I have been trying to act normal around my stbx. She has no clue what is going on, but I think she is beginning to suspect some things. We both have very high sex drives and have sex almost everyday and were are both very affectionate.
I haven't showed my stbx any affection or had sex with her. I told her I have just been busy with work, the wedding, and not just not feeling the best. Although, she has been asking is everything okay and do we need to talk about something. I have just blown it off as my mind just has a lot going on.
Anyway, I have already made my decision to leave her. I just need some advice on what to do next. The house we live in is mine, and she is not on anything. We have separate bank accounts and have no kids. I just need some advice on canceling everything, letting people know, and basically kicking her ass out the best way with the least confrontation.
I want nothing to do with her after this and for me to move on. Plus, for those that I am sure will see it was "one drunken mistake" shut the hell up. Alcohol does not make you do things without your control, it makes your impulses stronger.
Hence the saying, sober thoughts are drunk actions. Plus, now I wonder if she has done this before and I just don't know. I have no trust in her and never will again. I have now lost my best friend and soon to be wife.
Thank you to any and all for any helpful advice you can give. STBX fiancé have been best friends since we were kids. Cheated on me and I am done. Trying to figure out what is the best course of action to take to cancel all the wedding plans and how to move on.
Edit: STBX just came down to give me a kiss goodnight (no I didn't kiss her said I am getting sick) and to tell me that she is going to see the "one friend" Friday and Saturday, and will be back Sunday morning.
Probably going to take this opportunity to get her shit together, change the locks, and cancel everything. Then have my brother call/message everyone the wedding is off. Will be funny when her friend gets the message while she is with her. Thank you to everyone for the kinds words and advice.
Edit 2: She was definitely drunk. However, high fiving the one friend after she was done kind of takes away the whole accident. Really didn't think I would have to share that part.
UPDATE 1 OF PART 1:
Hey everyone. Just want to say thank for all the good advice and nice comments that 99% of you made. There are couples things I need to clarify though. Yes my stbx was drunk, but had enough sense to high-five her one friend after finishing.
In the video the stripper is not forcing her but she actually stops and then keeps going after. Many think this is fake and that is fine. I don't care. Honestly if you think it is fake that is fine. I just needed some advice.
I thought all clubs were both male and female, and just varied on night. She did not plan to blackmail my stbx. She took the video (which was only like 18 seconds) and few pics.
She knew this would come out eventually and wanted to cover her tracks with her husband. She saw that and then ran. She didn't know any of the other girls and was so surprised by what she saw, so she bolted out of fear.
I am not mad at my ex, just disappointed, and to those who say you can salvage, she threw that away when she kept lying about it by not telling me.
Also, no, her friends did not ruin a perfect relationship, she did. I don't believe the girls wanted us to end. They are all single women in their late twenties for which many think that casual sex is fine.
I have no issues with people who do it, it is just not for me. I think some people on here just think that every person has some malicious intent and that the accused is just a victim of circumstance. People do messed up things sometimes of their own free will.
I have no intentions of blackmailing her or tell people the info unless she wants to get nasty. Lastly, no I don't hate women. I actually defended many women from some assholes on the thread. These are few bad people not women, PEOPLE.
Now for a quick boring update: Someone's asked about how my stbx seemed to be like the best women ever for me and that I had nothing bad to say about here at all other than this. Well you are correct.
To say I was the weird kid in HS, is an understatement. I had long hair, colored all the time. I wore makeup and painted my nails. Dressed weird for many. She was always there for me ands protected me from others, as at that age I didn't have a spine.
I had a few gf who I dated who said I was good looking but they wanted me to quit wearing makeup, painting my nails, and other things. I said I am not changing for anyone and she always defended me when these girls would talk ill of me after.
So she was literally the only person I could talk to. I couldn't talk to my parents or brothers. She was the one who held me and cared for me when one of my exes started spreading nasty rumors about me and she sat with me every night for days. So she was the perfect women.
That is why I cant confront her yet. I know I will break if I see her cry because I will think of the memories we have together. I still love her but no longer see her as my wife and bestfriend. If she wants to go out and have sex with random people that is her choice. Just do it single.
Anyway, I stayed up late on reddit and went to sleep on the couch for which I have for the past week. She got up to go to work, I took off today, and woke me up to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye. In my stupor I said love you too, and gave her a kiss. Muscle memory is a thing it seems.
Although, I noticed no feeling with the kiss like I am used to. After that I went back to sleep and woke up at 9. I got some breakfast, took a shower, and started packing her stuff up.
To those who said I seemed odd an emotionless well I cried a lot today. I have been in damage control and packing her stuff and seeing memories of us made me just break. I have been blaring music that keeps my mind occupied. My poor neighbors probably know my favorite music as much as I do now.
In the afternoon I get a call from my buddy. Turns out my stbx took a half day and went to their house to talk to her friend. Turns out she is having a emotional breakdown. I am not going to get into all the details but to hit the major points. She worried about me.
She knows I am not sick. She knows when I am sick and knows I am not. She thinks I am getting cold feet about the wedding and is scared. She is extremely worried that I wont have sex with her or kiss her at all. In her own words "I usually cant keep him off me (which is true), but recently he wont even touch me. Not even a hug".
She is wondering what is wrong and if my depression has come back worse. There is more but that was the major point. She has no clue my buddies wife told me thankfully. Then later this evening, actually just a little bit ago, she calls me to say she made to her friends place.
The conversation was brief but I could tell she was upset. To be honest, it hurt me to hear her like this and I wanted to hold her, but I need to do what is right for me. You know that sound like someone is holding back tears, that was her. She asked how I was feeling and I said better.
Then we talked about the wedding and everything and just some other bs about work. She then says love you, and I say okay and say that I have food to finish and don't want to get burned. She says okay, and I tell her to be safe and have fun. She says she will and that she loves me again and I said bye and she said bye.
That is it. I know this is pretty boring but that is what happened today. I will probably keep updating if I feel I need too for mental reasons. If not, thank you all for the help and advice.
Many of you seem to think that she may have been so drunk that she may not remember. I am going to call my buddies wife an ask her how drunk she actually was.
Just got off the phone with my buddies wife. She said that my ex not sloshed or completely drunk when the left the winery but was buzzed. She said that surprised her that she said lets go to the strip club.
She said the kept drinking on the way there and drank a lot more at the club. She says she was definitely wasted but not blackout drunk during the lap dance. I then asked her about possible drugging as someone said. She said that she didn't see anything.
Edit 2: Sorry for this but I just miss my fiancé so much. I just wish she would have told me and we could have worked on it. I wish she would have told me and been remorseful. I just want my life back the way it was two weeks ago. I just want my fiancé home with me and for things to go back to normal.
I'm about to call her and confront her, I just cant contain my emotions anymore. I know I shouldn't but I cant help it. The shit is killing me not knowing.
UPDATE 2 OF PART 1:
Thank you to all who have been so nice to me and hepful. More than likely I will not update any longer and more than likely delete this account forever and stay away from redit after this.
Anyway I fg called her. Took about 5 fg times before she answered. When she did she asked if I was okay. Like an pissed off idiot I basically just said that I just fg peachy. What about you who you fg now. She was confused. To which I stated I know about the stripper and I know about the blowjob just come clean.
She burst into tears and says she knew I knew. I'm still crying because I cant belvie she knew and didn't tell me. She said that yes they went to strip club and she got a dance. I said you got more than that.
She admitted to the bj and said that she was really drunk and made a horrible mistake but didnt know how to tell me. I was a like a mistake to let some dude cm on you and then celebrate with your friends.
Taht sounds like a fg celebaration. I gursted into tears about how we have been friends since we were kids how she was the only women i truly loved and how I only wanted her and nothing more. She said you are the best partner anone could have and that she is so sorry and want to fix it.
I told her if she had told me from the begging and showed remrose but you didnt. I then asked why are you at "her house". She said that this had been planned for a while now. I was like how come I didnt know.
She put it on the calendar on the fridge but I must have not seen (this was true she did). I said are you sure you arent their fg anyone. She said no really loud adn then I was like how about before. How many fg times you cheated on me. She says this was the only one time she every did that adn would never do it again.
I went how would you feel if got a bj by some random girl. Would you be okay with that. She was like I could forgive it if you told me. I said let do it the other way. I ate some girl out, I had her shit all in my face and moth and she finished on top of me. Then I came home and kissed you with that mouth. Youd forgive that, she said I don know.
Just kept she is sorry. Wanted to work on it. I told her the shit is getting canceled tommrow and the wedding is over. Your shit will be out of my house and if you fight me on anything I wil release it to everyone.
She kept saying to just listen. I said fine what. She says she was really drunk and that is no excuse. Taht I was the greatest guy in world and we are menat to be together. that If it would help I f any girl I wanted and she wuld let me. I said I dont want any girl, I wan tyou.
I just wanted to marry the love of my life and be happy. You ruined that. I said f your friend, f you, and f our life. She begged me to stop talking like that and she was getting scared of why I might do to myself. I aid you only care now gecause you dont have some strage dick in your mouth.
What was it. he hotten than me, bigger than me, more abs, taller what was it. She said neither. I a much hotter she said and bigger and better in everyway. I said so that is great to know, you f it up for less then what you had.
I said oh he doesnt wear makeup and nail poish and probably som ejack off who puts himself in debt for stupid ass shoes or shirts and some car he cant afford. She said know that she loved i did those things and thougt it was attractive. Not likely I said.
None of you exes would do that. I guess I am just some sucker that thought some beautful kind carring women actually loved me. I am ggetting of and going to bed and will have everything for you tomorrow. Have your dad get your shit. She said Iam coming home right now and we are going to fix this adn get things to the way there were. I just hung up.
UPDATE 3 OF PART 1:
Hello everyone, I am sorry for my actions last night. They were completely and entirely uncalled for. Even though, I do not disagree with some of the things I said on the last post, they still weren't right. I would like to apologize for anything I may have said to those people.
Even though I may not disagree, it was not right and I am sorry. Also, any people who may have got into a textual altercation with anybody over the last few days, please message them and apologize.
This is not why I came here. I came here for some honest advice and a smack in the face for what I need to do. So, please apologize to each other. I can't make you, but I implore you to do so. Thank you. Also to clarify a couple things for some people.
I never intended on sending the video/pictures of her actions to anyone. I am currently going to tell people we had a change of hart and are separating. I said that unless she bad mouths me or tries to fight me on anything , concerning my home or money, that I will not TELL people of her actions.
We don't live in a really small community or large community. But small enough to where if what she did got out, she would more than likely be release from her job and her career go under. I don't want to do it, but will if my hand is forced. Once everything is settled, the video and pictures will be deleted.
Also, still don't know how this one is getting confused, but the one friend or her DID NOT video the altercation with the stripper. My buddies wife did. When she came back in to see what was taking so long. When I mean cover her ass with her husband, she means that she knew this would eventually come out.
So, when it did, her husband would be curious if she did anything like that as well. She wanted to show her husband that it was only my ex and that she ran out afterwards and went home.
She couldn't hold it in any longer and knew the longer she kept it from her husband and I, makes her just as bad as them. As the other few girls were single, it wouldn't matter for them.
Lastly, only the one friend has called me and I have blocked the other girls numbers. To clarify she called me a faggot for my style choices. Said she wanted her to suck the strippers dick to see what a real man is like.
Then was going to take her out today and get her in bed with another guy to convince her to leave me. Well she got her wish. I proceeded to say well we know why no man will ever want to be with you and just uses you for sex.
To clarify, she really wants to be a wife and a mom, based on what my ex has told me, then I hung up. To clarify, I am not misogynistic, my shot was not at all women just this one person who happens to be a women.
For the update: I called my buddy after I got off here and told him everything. He called me an idiot and showed up shortly. I feel asleep and don't know much after. According to him early this morning my ex showed up trying to get into my house and he told her to leave.
He said he doesn't want to see you and you need to go back to your mom and dads tonight. According to him she listened go into the car and went to her parents. I eventually woke up late this morning to a message on my phone from her father. For anyone wondering her father was married before.
They got married very young and she cheated on him. He divorced with no kids or anything so it was a clean break. Anyway his message was very brief and to the point. All he said was that I am sorry for my daughters actions.
I didn't raise her that way. I will respect any decision you decide to do. What time would you like us to come her things? I give my ex the benefit that she at least told them the truth.
I texted him the time to come and that everything was already pack and just needed to go and he just responded ok. Thankfully I don't have a hangover and feel fine. I got cleaned up and have eaten breakfast. As me and my buddy finished everything: him, his wife, and her showed up.
His wife and him walked up while she stayed in the car and refused to look at me. Her dad asked where stuff was and I pointed and he began packing. Her mother asked if we could talk. I had calmed down and since she was always good to me I said okay.
She apologized for what her daughter did and gave me hug and kiss on the cheek. She used to do this when we were younger to as she always really liked me. She began to cry and so did I.
She said it is up to you want you want to do from here. I just want you to know, she loves you so much and will do anything to fix this and regrets it with her life. However, what she did can be seen as unforgiveable and I understand if it is.
She then told me to stay safe and that I am a good man who didn't deserve this and gave me another hug and a kiss. They finished packing and were about to go when I noticed my ex began to have a crying fit.
Her parents calmed her down and she got out of the car and came up to me. She asked if we could talk alone. I told her I will be videoing it for my own safety and she said that was fine.
We came in a sat down and she started crying and I did too. She said she was so sorry and that she will do anything if I would just forgive her. I said I can't do that. I was like if you had told me right after and was remorseful we could have worked on it. But, you kept it from me and continued to hide it.
She said she knows, and has regretted it since that night. I mentioned the high-five and she said my friends were cheering me on and I got caught up in the moment. As soon as I realized what I had done I immediately shut down. You can ask anyone there. I quit drinking we left to the strip club, I got a shower and went to bed.
They wanted to go to more bars and hangout with guys and play games and everything else; but I just wanted to forget that evening ever had happened. I hoped that I would forget and you would never find out. But you are right I should have told you. She asked if there anything she could do and I said no.
I asked her have you ever cheated on me before? We are already done so it doesn't matter now. She swears that she has never cheated on me before and that this was the one and only time. I may be an idiot but I do believe her.
I mentioned her friend and what she had said about me and how she wanted her to give the stripper a bj and get her laid today. She said that when she left it woke her up and asked why she was leaving. She told her and she said who cares we will go find you a real man.
She said he is a real man that loves me for me and I have fd everything up. She then told her I was a coward and not a real man bs and she told her to f off and to never call her again.
She said you liked when I got that stripper to let you give a bj. She was like you wanted that? Yeah and I wanted to get you laid this evening. Forget him, you need guy who doesn't wear makeup and paint his nails and stays at home for work (I guess because I don't work with my hands I am not a "real man").
My fiancé basically said, that I love those things about him and he has an amazing career and is better than all those guys. Then told her to never call her again and leave her alone.
She then asked is there any chance of us rekindling in the future. I told her I can't predict the future but I wouldn't bet you life on it. She gave me the biggest hug, and I would be lying if I didn't want to hug her back and say it is okay lets get married, but I didn't.
She gave me a kiss and then the worst part. I asked for the ring back. She begged and pleaded one more time with me, but I said please just give me the ring back. She took it off handed it to me. I then told her, I wont be releasing the video or pictures that I have of you.
As long as you don't do anything that would negatively affect me I am just going to tell people we had a change of heart. She told me thank you for being kind to me. Then went on about how I am the sweetest guy ever and how she messed up everything and is so sorry.
She then said she would never talk ill of me and even if she did no one would believe her (as a joke). She then went, where did you get those? I said it doesn't matter. She said your right it doesn't. I told her goodbye and she said bye to me.
She turned around one last time and said please I'll do anything. I said no, you should have told me. She tried to give me one more hug and a kiss, but put my hand and said please just go. They left and that is it. I have already cancelled everything and my buddy and brother are notifying everyone of the cancelled wedding.
Thanks to everyone. To be honest, this will probably get deleted once I get some normalcy back and will delete it so that I will never see this again. But thank you to everyone. Also, please be kind to each other.
This name calling and battling out one another is not worth it and makes us less human. Please be kind and apologize to each other. I didn't want this to become a pick side situation. I wanted this to be advice and help. But again thank you to all.
I know one will see this I do not care as this venting helps a bit. This morning it turns out my ex had text me early this morning asking me if I had posted on reddit. I asked her why and she admitted that she was looking at anything that may resemble what happened to us and if there is a way to fix this.
She sent me a link and I said that yes that was me but who posted it was not. I don't know if someone had stolen or shared this story, but I am not exactly happy about it, but what can I do. I saw some comments and I am sure some of you are thinking the same thing.
We aren't alcoholics. We drink maybe two or three times a year. That is it. I drank the other night because of a stupid reason and I regret it, but it is done. I already threw out what I had and will not be buying anymore.
Yes, I had depression when I was a young teen into my late teens. Mainly once I left for college, it got a lot better and I really haven't had an issue with it. It wasn't until this that my depression has gotten bad again. No, I am not on drugs and no I don't take anti-depressants. I just need to let things settle down.
I HAVE ALREADY DELETED THE PHOTOS AND VIDEO!!!!! I know she isn't going to push anymore so I see no issue with getting rid of them. Once again, I never was going to release them.
Also, I contacted my buddies wife to delete them as well and she has. Also, I NEVER THOUGHT OF RELEASING THEM. I merely kept them as proof if she tried to lie about it. Once she admitted, I see no reason to keep them.
I didn't change the locks. She willing gave me the key to my house she stated it isn't hers to keep any longer. For the record I will give she is very independent. She never wanted to join bank accounts and she is not on the house.
When I purchased the home we had been dating a while and knew we would get married. I offered to put her on the home and she refused as she said she couldn't contribute to it so she had no right to it. I will say she made a terrible decision, but is not a terrible person.
She knows who sent me the photos and videos now so I hope that doesn't ruin their friendship as they are each others only friends now, but if it does, it does. To the people calling me insecure, if that makes your day better, go for it.
Lastly, my ex even said that some of you are just nasty vial humans. To those who were attacking me for no reason. I don't know if she is trying to take my side to make me let her back in, but it is whatever. I already apologize to her for the drunk call and the post.
She has forgiven me and I have forgiven her for what she has done too. It doesn't mean I trust her, but I see that by not forgiving her I only hurting myself. I realize people mess up and none of us are perfect. But just because she messed up, doesn't mean I have to continue my life with her. Also, I will be deleting the drunk post as I isn't helpful in anyway.
Minor Update: I was messaged by my ex again and I guess this made it to YouTube. I don't know by who and I don't care. She mentioned I deleted the drunk post. I guess this individual or guy who read the story didn't see it. I am not upset by that, but if they really wants to see it is out there. Also I have asked that she no longer contact me and she agreed to stop.
Although this story is far from over, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
indigoslam writes:
You’re being cold, she’s taking off for the weekend, my suspicion is she knows you know and is giving you the space to do exactly what you’re doing. Maybe she loves you, maybe she doesn’t, maybe it’s cold feet, maybe she truly wanted out.
Who knows, who cares, whatever is going on she made the choice of to end your relationship right there.
Cheating is absolutely fd up, in any form. She threw away everything to pleasure someone else. She’s for the streets.
I’m so sorry man, at least you found out before you got married. Get all her stuff packed, tell her parents to come pick it up, then send the video to her as soon as you hang up the phone, telling her not to come back, block her and go no contact.
constructioncloud8 writes:
Sorry to hear, but if it’s a dealbreaker for you then do what you think is best. Change locks, move her stuff out, etc., but also tell her why it’s over. Doesn’t have to be long & drawn out, just tell her the truth.
She knows what she did. Only use the video if she tries to deny it. And if your buddy’s wife is pregnant and needs no stress, protect her identity the best that you can.
Something along the lines of “We both know what you did, doesn’t matter how I learned it” or something similar. If she has “friends” who would encourage her to do something like this, they’ll turn on each other in a heartbeat if they think one of them ratted her out.
As for informing others, if it’s too much for you then by all means have your brother or another trusted party tell your family. For her family and your mutual friends, give her two options: she gets one chance to tell the truth, otherwise you/your trusted party sets the record straight.
I feel bad for you man, this totally sux but hopefully you come through it better off. Please update as warranted. Best of luck!