Man shares saga of wife's sobriety; 'She's given up alcohol and I can't live like this.' UPDATED

"My wife [30 F] has given up alcohol for good and I [31 M] am finding it difficult to deal with + 1 year later update."

My wife and I have been together for about a decade and we've been married for three years. I'd say we're very happy, enjoy spending time with each other and have a similar view on the world. No kids for now, just pets. Things have been pretty great, on the whole.

Over the last few years, my wife has been working in a hard but very rewarding job and during that time, her alcohol consumption increased quite a bit. She'd usually have a couple of glasses of wine in the evenings at home to wind down.

Every once in a while, she'd be involved in work events in the evenings which could get quite boozy too - her field can be quite boozy in general; they usually have drinks in the office on a Friday afternoon (a glass or two).

She never got drunk, but clearly she had become quite dependent on alcohol as a way to let off steam from her career. It wasn't unusual for her to have half a bottle of wine a night although she'd rarely have more than that. She's quite petite though so I guess that isn't an insignificant amount. Just to be clear, I never, in a million years would have classified her as even remotely an alcoholic.

Just before Christmas, she told me that she was going to be cutting down her drinking and was reading some kind of self help book about doing so.

I'm not quite sure what triggered her desire for this but I suspect it has something to do with this particular co-worker of hers that is about twenty years older and, to put it simply, is a b%ch and is also almost certainly a high functioning alcoholic herself. I reckon my wife didn't want to end up like her.

When she started following this book, I didn't think that much of it. She's cut down her drinking before for a while and the new year is always a good time to start things like this. However, a couple of days ago, she told me that she was actually quitting alcohol entirely and wasn't going to drink ever again.

I feel awful for saying this, but this really hit me quite hard. I know that it shouldn't - people go through much worse with serious alcoholics and all - but I've found myself suffering from a real sense of loss, and then guilt, thinking I'm being selfish for not being supportive enough.

She did say I didn't seem as enthusiastic as she thought I'd be after she told me. I mentioned that it was a bit of a shock and, of course, I'd support her.

For some reason, this is really getting to me though. Now I know what you're probably thinking - I'm an alcoholic myself or at least highly dependent on it - but the truth is, that just isn't the case; I hardly drink. I haven't been properly drunk since I was at college and even then, I hardly drank compared to everyone else.

I hardly ever drink at home - maybe a beer or a glass of wine every couple of weeks. I often don't drink for months at a time if I have no social reason to do so. Basically, I'm an occasional social drinker and no more. Even in those social situations, if I don't feel like it or one of us has to drive or there's nothing available that I like the taste of; then I just won't drink.

This is why this is so bizarre; I'm such an infrequent drinker, surely it shouldn't bother me that my wife's stopped drinking?? Unfortunately, that would be too simple. Instead, I have this chasm of loss forming in my chest.

I've told her that people won't really act differently around her when she starts saying she's quit - in my experience, others don't really care unless your not-drinking impedes their desire to-drink. I.e. don't be a dick about it and people don't really give a crap. Unfortunately, those rules don't seem to apply to me.

I think it may be because those other people are only 'here' for short snapshots of time whereas my wife and I have committed to spend the rest of our lives together.

I keep thinking about what we'll be missing in the future. We won't be able to share a bottle of wine together over a nice dinner - at home, in a restaurant or on holiday. We won't be able to go on a date to a bar and gradually get tipsy while listening to some nice live music.

We won't be able to crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate a major life milestone in one of our lives. Years down the line, when we might have teenage children, we won't be able to give them half a glass of wine at the dining table with Sunday lunch like my parents did for me.

Of course, none of this is reasonable. No one 'needs' alcohol to have a functional and rewarding social life and there are far too many people suffering because their spouse won't give up alcohol when they actually seriously need to. So of course, I'm in the wrong.

It's just... it's breaking my heart right now, as selfish as that may be and I really needed to vent. I tried to find some advice online and, of course, this doesn't seem to have happened to anyone else - any Google searches just gave me hits with advice for how to get your alcoholic spouse to quit.

Far more important, sure, but of no help to me. I can't talk to my friends about it because I'm not going to betray the trust of my wife - no one else knows that she's quitting for good yet.

I'd usually talk to my wife about any problems I or we have but I don't want to damage her process right now as she gets used to a new life without alcohol. Hence, here I vent/mope/despair with a throwaway account, ready for the anonymous internet to judge me if anyone makes it through my wall of text.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

gravityline writes:

About three years ago, my husband (then boyfriend) started eating vegan, and I went through a period of disquiet. We live in an urban area and frequently eat out. Suddenly, I needed to worry about whether or not my husband had more options than an iceberg salad at any place I wanted to go.

I often couldn't share my food with him by giving him a bite, something I really enjoyed as part of the shared experience of dining together. He couldn't finish up my leftovers if portions were too much for me, which they frequently are because I'm very short and small.

No steak dinners for rare "fancy" nights out. And I didn't feel like I could say anything about this--he clearly had the moral high ground as the person making the more ethical and sustainable choice, which in itself made me feel somewhat insecure.

So, I think I understand how you're feeling, and my comment is that you need to give yourself time to get used to it. Acknowledge how you feel without letting it impede your support of your wife.

I love my husband more than I need to socially share my food with him, as I'm sure you love your wife more than you consider drinking a part of her, and ultimately I'm proud of him for staying true to his health and values. You married a self-aware person and that is a gift.

creamagb writes:

I'm a woman who doesn't drink, and I've exclusively dated men who do. It's never been a problem on my end, because I love parties/bars/places of general alcohol consumption and just don't personally imbibe. But I do worry A LOT about making other people uncomfortable.

I know that, until people get to know me better (and see what an awful/enthusiastic dancer I am, for instance), the knowledge that I'm always sober often freaks people out. I'm guessing that, like me, your wife is worried about alienating other people with her decision. For better or worse, she should be. It alienates people. It's alienating you.

The tension you feel is real, and it's not just a stupid non-problem. I never willingly bring it up, but once I admit that I don't drink, I can literally see the fear in people's eyes. And I get it!

No matter how much I try to reassure people that I don't care what anyone else does, it's still hard to overcome that initial response of "she's judging me," "she thinks she's better than us," "why can't she just loosen up a little."

But that's just a minor hurdle. My good friends don't care, they buy me sparkly sodas and we get silly together anyway. My boyfriends haven't cared, they drink wine or beer with dinner and laugh at the faces I pull when I taste it. People feel uncomfortable about it, and then, they don't. The shenanigans we have far outstrip the initial question of who's drinking/smoking/snorting what.

Your wife was hoping for your enthusiastic support because she knows she's going to have to navigate a lot of awkwardness around this. Your point about "not being a dick about it" is largely true, but drinking is such an ingrained social norm that it's not a totally seamless change. She doesn't want you to be one of the people looking at her funny or thinking she's being judgmental and rude.

However, you are allowed to feel what you feel. Alcohol is a staple in life, family, and love. This is a loss that you're allowed to grieve. I know you don't want to "damage her process," but both of you stewing in this soup is not going to help either of you adapt. You're not just going to independently get over your feelings of grief and uncertainty and then be magically happy for her.

You say you aren't sure what triggered her to read that self-help book and stop drinking. So... ask her. You can be upset and still support her trying to improve her life. And during this conversation, you should admit that you're struggling too.

You can help her, and she can help you. But you can't just say the nice supportive stock phrases, martyr yourself on this sword and never discuss it again.

scribbbook writes:

First of all, congrats to your wife for making this very important and wise decision. Second, I think you need to reframe your thinking on this. Instead of thinking about how this could negatively impact you, think of the positives.

Your wife will be healthier, she will no longer spend her money on booze. You won't ever have to worry about whether she is drinking too much when she goes out without you. She will not drive drunk. Third, you should realize that she made this decision not just for herself, but also for you and for your future together.

My SO is a recovering alcoholic. He hasn't drank in two years. Neither have I. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to have a mojito, or a craft beer. But in the end it's not worth my health and feeling like crap the next day, and it certainly isn't worth potentially triggering my SO's alcoholism.

There are a ton of other experiences we can share that don't involve drinking. Society tells us that drinking is what you do to celebrate, to unwind, to bond. But that doesn't necessarily make it true.

That isn't to say that you need to stop drinking, just that despite the fact that you don't drink much, maybe you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol too. At the very least you should do some introspection and re-evaluate the role alcohol plays in your life.

ceow2nachie writes:

Ok. So my husband has recently had an issue with drinking. Both times that he's decided to stop drinking I decided to in solidarity. But this second time it's not a big deal. If we go out and I want something I'll have a glass of wine or just a drink.

It doesn't affect him and his decision to not drink. I'm like you, I don't do a lot of drinking myself, but drinking has always kind of been part of my husbands identity to me. I didn't mourn, I just said ok, I'll not drink around you. My focus was helping and supporting him.

We've slowly introduced drinking back into our lives and it's fine. She could be the same way eventually. But the others here are right, you're making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. You don't have to have alcohol to have special events. Less alcohol will actually help you save some money too! Spend it on a nice desert or something like that. If you make it a big deal, it won't help your wife.

Update:

Today, I happened to stumble across this throwaway. Furthermore, I noticed that it happened to be the throwaway's cakeday so I think someone is prodding me to do an update on this!

I'd like to thank everyone that commented on the original thread. I did read everything even if I didn't reply to everyone. There were people who thought (as I expected) that I was selfish, that it shouldn't matter that my wife was making that decision and that I likely had my own hidden drinking problems.

There were others, though, that understood and could see my point of view.

The TL/DR of my original post is that my wife had decided to give up alcohol for good, had told me she thought she was an alcoholic and so was going to quit. She was not an alcoholic in the 'traditional' sense i.e. she didn't get drunk all the time, wouldn't drink in the day but she did have two or three glasses of wine pretty much every evening after work.

A lot of people do that. When she told me she was quitting booze for good, it was a complete shock to me and I felt a very real sense of loss.

I really felt heartbroken because I felt like there would be things we would 'miss out' on in the future together - sharing cocktails by the pool on holiday, sharing a bottle of nice wine over a romantic candlelit dinner, popping a bottle of champagne on New Year's, toasting to our (currently non existent) children on their wedding days.

I felt like that had all been taken away from me. I knew that this was small fry compared to what others went through and what she could be going through but that didn't stop it hurting. Everyone's problems matters to them even if an abstract observer can clearly see that one person's problems are much worse than anothers'.

When I googled for help and advice on the matter, nothing really came up so I want to keep my original post up and supply an update to let others that might go through the same thing that they're not alone.

As I mentioned above, some people were adament that my wife's decision to not drink ever again shouldn't affect me in the slightest. Basically, it had nothing to do with me and if I felt like it affected me then I had my own problems.

A year on, I can defiantly tell those people that they are wrong. In a marriage, at least in the kind of marriage I believe in, you and your partner's actions and choices are intertwined. The whole point of a marriage is to share the rest of your lives together. I had expected and hoped for a long future together, sharing experiences that typically included alcohol.

Our society, as a whole, is intertwined with booze. We first met when we were both tipsy at a student bar, pretty much all the social occasions we've ever been to have involved some alcohol - that's just where our society is.

Drinking was, in some ways, a 'shared interest'. If you met a partner through rock climbing and you climbed together several times a week, got married, carried on climbing together all the time then suddenly your married partner said "sorry, I'm never going to climb again", you would feel hurt. Like something core to your relationship had been taken away.

So, what have I learnt in the past year? Well for one, your parter giving up booze really doesn't matter. You just adjust. I'd be lying if there were times that I miss us sharing a bottle of wine together but those thoughts are few and far between. It's far more important to me that she's happy and feels much better about herself.

She's healthier, has a better outlook on life and when we are out togheter, we actually spend more 'quality' time together. I've never been a big drinker so if we were out, she'd get tipsier way before me so in a way, we weren't on the same conversation level by the end of the night.

Now, we can talk 'properly' throughout. There are lots of benefits too, we spend much less on drinks now, of course - especially at home. We do, however, spend more on food. That's something I get more enjoyment from anyway though.

We've been on holiday, we've been to weddings, we've been out to loads of dinners, we've had Christmas together. It's all been fine. I always knew it would be - other people don't really judge much once you just say 'you don't drink'.

As long as you don't make a big deal about it. My wife still doesn't tell people that she's an alcoholic; the story is still "I gave up for dry January and found myself really liking it and felt better about myself so I gave it up for good".

It's just easier, makes less of an issue of it and draws much less attention. We're probably happier than we were before (although we were plenty happy then too). I love my wife and I love spending time with her.

For what it's worth, I do still drink. I didn't drink much before she gave up and now I do drink less. I'd share a bottle on nights out before but hardly ever drank at home. I'd say I had, on average, 2-3 units a week.

Now I'm more at 0.5-1 units. I.e. Once every two or three weeks I might have a couple of beers. I hardly ever drink when we're out together. Only if I really fancy it. When I just 'quite fancy' it, I'd usually choose not to out of solidarity with my wife.

One change I have noticed is that I judge the shit out of restaurants that have a crappy soft drinks selection or lack of non-alcoholic cocktails. High end restaurants tend to have several great options and will go out of their way to cater to you. Other restaurants do seem to judge you for not getting a bottle of wine, likely because they make a healthy profit off of alchohol.

Annoyingly, we're not doing it because we want to be 'cheap', we'd happily pay for an overpriced mocktail that's basically just tonic water with a cucumber in. I do enjoy being 'prepared' for my wife now though - i.e.

if we're at a function where they're handing out champagne and nothing else, I will do what I can to get her something else; I'll happily be a bit of an arsehole if a place hasn't thought about providing non alcoholic drinks. There are plenty of people that can't drink for a number of reasons after all - religion, health pregnancy etc. Places really should be prepared.

I've rambled on for a while here, it's a bit disjointed as I wasn't planning on spending loads of my day writing about this! I'll happily answer any questions others may have. What with it being 'Dry January' for a lot of people, this could be something others might be thinking about.

I'd like to thank a few people from the original post for their comments for making me realise that it could have been a lot worse, she could have opted to go vegan instead which would have been bloody awful.

TL/DR: My wife decided a year ago that she was quitting alcohol for good as she felt she was an alchoholic. This was a shock for me, I didn't think she was and I felt feelings of loss at the thought of a future where we wouldn't drink occasionally togehter.

A year on, everything's been fine, we're happier, she's healthier and still doesn't drink. It hasn't been a big deal. I still feel some feelings of loss but they're so insignificant now and I realise that. Life is great.