Mans shares Thanksgiving saga; 'I went to my GF's parents for Thanksgiving and it went horribly.' UPDATED

"I (28M) went to my GF’s (26F) parents for Thanksgiving and it went horribly."

We’ve been dating for over a year and I’ve met her parents a few times, but just things like dinners. They live four hours from us, and this was going to be the first holiday we spent together (her parents, her younger brother and younger sister). We drove down Thanksgiving morning and were going to spend the night there then a few days at a resort.

Her parents are blue collar and church going, I teach high school math. A bit of a cultural difference. My GF made me promise not to get into a discussion with her dad on politics or religion. I was fine with that, I’m not going to change his mind.

Her dad never hid the fact that he didn’t respect me. He kept making comments about teachers indoctrinating students, common core, and other nonsense. No reason to get in a fight, I’m sure that’s what he wants.

I mostly ignored him but he never let up, he was a total ass. Everyone was uncomfortable, and her family avoids confrontation with the dad. My Gf and her mom tried to change the subject but they never stood up to him.

I was done with his sh% and told my GF she could say something or I would be more than happy to. She begged me not to make a scene. So I didn’t, I went upstairs, packed up, thanked everyone and left. I told my GF she should stay and get her parents or brother to drive her home (we don’t live together).

I went on to the resort and enjoyed my weekend. My GF has been trying to apologize, but when I asked what she said to her dad when I left and what he said, she still never confronted him. He never took responsibility. Sounds like he continued to insult me after I left. I’ve never seen her so avoidant, she’s only like that around her dad.

Her only solution seems to hope that he’ll eventually lighten up. TLDR: my gf’s dad hates me and she won’t stand up to him. Do I tell her to stop being afraid or her dad? Do I confront him and put him on blast? Or is this a learning experience that we’re just not compatible?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

flound writes:

Have you asked your girlfriend how her father punishes those who disagree with him? There is a reason that people avoid conflict. Out of fear, out of a desire to please, or out of habit. You need to find out which, so that your gf can decide whether she wants to change her tactics with him.

If he’s a blue collar church goer, and a conspiracy theorist, chances are he feels threatened by things he doesn’t understand or that don’t align with his beliefs.

His tactic then, is to bully or antagonise those who disagree with him. He is the patriarch of a religious family, which probably means he is used to getting his way, and not being questioned on his views or decisions. You are a threat to that!

There are three ways to handle this; Avoid seeing him altogether (as you said, you’re never going to change his mind), and let your gf decide if she’s happy to see her family without you. Confront the AH, and tell him, you may disagree with each other, but that respect should be mutual.

You’re not going to respect a man who treats you poorly. You could really dig the knife in and say; a man who is certain of his beliefs, shouldn’t need to condescend or tear down those who don’t agree with him. ask him, if his faith isn’t strong enough to be questioned? Break up. It’s up to you.

annabanna writes:

You don’t argue with someone that has significant mental health issues. You just try to ignore the crazy and work around it.

You said this is out of character for your girlfriend, so she knows how to stand up for herself. Trust her that this is her best option. I have to deal with a lot of crap from my father because I’m not willing to sacrifice the relationship I have with my mother.

If you can’t accept that this is how your girlfriend wants to handle it then you aren’t compatible. It’s ok if you never want to be in the father’s presence again though. She can still do holidays with her family, without you. Only you know if that’s acceptable to you.

ocean8 writes:

OP.... Any partner needs to minimum requirement of being a team. Standing up for each other. Putting each other first. If you continue with this relationship, it will just always be this way. Your GF has shown 0 interest and standing up to her dad. Actions speak much louder than words.

You gotta decide if this is something you can live with, or you don't want to deal with. Personally, I could not deal with it but the choice is yours.

darkhoof writes:

Had a relationship like that. She wouldn't communicate with me about her feelings or if she was annoyed with something. The relationship ended because we were long distance and she met someone else. But she tell me this?

No, she refused to communicate with me and tell me why she wanted to break up. I asked if it was because she wanted a relationship with the guy (I met him when I went to visit). She refused to give me a reason at all for me accept the break-up. All this after a 7 year relationship.

tigerchow relates to OP's GF:

It's not great. I'm 40 and still working on that. Thankfully I've now been with an amazing man for years and it's helped me a lot in that aspect.

I have a similarly angry and overbearing father. I grew up watching him bully my mother, all of us really, and no one stood up to him or called him out.

One of my clearest memories is when I was 6 and I told my mom I was afraid of him. She'd asked me to go tell him dinner was ready. But he had come home from work angry, bad mood, short fuse already blown. I learned to walk in eggshells especially on those days. So I hesitated. My mom told me again.

I confided in her that I was afraid to go tell him, that I was afraid of him. Apparently he was just on the other side of the door...and heard me. His reaction? To barrel through the door screaming at me and being in an even worse mood. My mom said nothing in the moment. And she never spoke with me or brought up the fact that I was too afraid of my father to do something as simple as tell him dinner was ready.

In my pre-teen/early tern years, I remember a time.he was exploding at me for...I don't even remember what. Something innane, I'm sure. Self-taught protocol was just keep my head down and say as little as possible.

Best way to get those moments over with was just to let him rage until he fizzled out. So that's what I did. But that time he said, "So you have nothing to say for yourself?!" So I began to speak, very quietly and meekly. His reaction? "Don't you talk back to me!" I literally couldn't win, lol.

So yeah, I grew up having it ingrained to not rock the boat. Don't talk about your feelings or problems, don't stand up for yourself, just bottle it all up and suffer in silence while constantly wearing a mask that says everything is ok.

And again, at 40, these are issues are still struggle with. Even outside of just my father and family. Neuroticlly pathological people pleaser with horrendous anxiety (especially social) and a god awful, constantly present guilt complex.

TLDR, I can relate to OPs girlfriend and understand how she feels, why she's wires the way she is. And I hope for her sake she can work through it because it absolutely makes for unhealthy dynamics in romantic relationships. As well as many other aspects of life.

And yes I'm in therapy, lol. 1-2 times a week, talk therapy and EMDR. And I see a psychiatrist once a month. So I'm trying! I'm working on it!

Update:

I appreciated all the comments. A significant number of comments said I shouldn’t ask nor expect her to stand up to her dad, so I didn’t. I also don’t want to break up with her, but we’re setting expectations and she can decide if she can live with them.

I wanted to respond to some comments but the post got locked before I had a chance.

I started by apologizing for leaving her and not continuing our vacation as planned. She also apologized for not leaving with me Thursday night. She wasn’t mad I left, she knew I was frustrated with him and the promise I made to her. However, she was hoping things would be better in the morning.

She ended up spending the weekend with her family. She wanted to spend time with her brother, sister, and mom. One promising comment she said is they basically ignored and excluded her dad from everything they did that weekend.

I asked if her dad physically abused her or her mom, she was really taken aback by this. She got a little upset at me and said he would never lay a hand on his family. She asked why I’d even ask, and I said her family was so reluctant to stand up to him even going as far as asking me to promise not to that I thought they might be afraid he’d react physically.

She said that’s just how he is, but he’s gotten worse the last few years. He thinks his family shouldn’t question or criticize him, especially not in his own home.

We set clear boundaries, I will never go to his house again if that’s his attitude, unless things change drastically. If they want to visit in the future it will be at my house (or if we get to that point, our house). I won’t ignore or defer, though.

I asked if she would be Ok having little or no contact in the future if his behavior continues. She was very reluctant to promise that and feels he’ll eventually change his attitude.

I told her she doesn’t have to ask him to apologize or even pretend to like me, but it’s all in his court and depends completely on how he acts. She won’t stand up to him, so I’m taking it out of her hands and doing it myself. I don’t care if I ever see them again.

We’re spending Christmas with my family, they absolutely love her and she has a good relationship with my mom. My parents live close and my GF is becoming my mom’s favorite. I think my mom is starting to like her more than me. Our parents haven’t met each other. They wouldn’t put up with his crap.

A lot of people criticize me for my blue collar, church going comment. I was trying to stay in the rules of the sub and not discuss politics. What I should have said is he sounds like every other extremist media junkie parent who repeat the same anti-vax, crt conspiracy nonsense nearly verbatim.

Christians who misinterpret the Bible to bully LGBTQ kids and ban books…is that a better background?

I put up with that garbage and personal attacks and didn’t respond because my GF specifically asked me not to argue, plus he wants to play the victim, wants to pretend everyone looks down on him. I can’t say shit to my student’s parents either.

Do I think I’m better than blue collar workers? No. Do I think I’m better than qanon idiots uncritically repeating whatever’s been pumped into their brain? Yes.

That’s where we’re at, I understand my girlfriend’s family dynamics. I’m not mad at her anymore (I am a little disappointed, ngl), she’s a product of her upbringing and unlike to change. Fortunately she’s not like that in the rest of her relationships. tldr: my gf’s dad hates me and my gf wants me to take his abuse like her family does.

Readers continued to weigh in:

crownahg writes:

My dad was/is like that too, and I was similarly conditioned not to confront him because it was non-productive - he'd just end up raising his voice, interrupting and talking over me, ranting, etc.

What made the difference for me was being an adult with decent friends and peers who were respectful and decent people who had critical thinking skills and weren't rude as hell. It caused me to develop standards.

I got really casual about just pushing back - "I don't agree with that." "I'm disappointed to hear you say that." "That's completely false, and you'd know it if you spent 2 minutes on Google." "Show me a source, right now. Not an article from Fox, or a FB post - show me the name of an actual expert on that subject saying that."

Eventually I stopped having tolerance for him just being overtly hateful and willfully ignorant, and called him entirely on his nonsense.

Told him that I wasn't interested in hearing him spout off about people and subjects he knew nothing about and had committed to having hateful, bigoted views towards without doing any real research, or having any kind of human empathy in his approach.

Told him that if he was going to keep talking that way that I didn't want to be around him - so he could either change his ways, or we didn't need to have a relationship.

That was 9 months ago, haven't heard a word from him since, and I fully expect that we'll never talk again.

And honestly? Life is so much better. He had become a proudly bitter, hateful man that it was impossible to have the most basic interaction with without him bringing up guns, immigrants, LGBTQ+, etc. in the context of others not deserving human rights, and that death and violence were totally fine for them.

She's gotta learn to push back eventually, or else nothing will ever change or get better. The big problem is that she hasn't yet realized it's a choice to dedicate any amount of energy to walking on eggshells to appease his hate/anger, when she could simply just not.