Man shocked when cheating wife has 'MULTIPLE UNHINGED DEMANDS.' UPDATED 2X

When his man is shocked by his wife's demands, he asks the internet:

"My cheating wife has so many demands. What do I do?"

I am realizing this is a long story because I included details I felt were relevant, but I am probably being way too verbose. Read the TL:DR if you want, but if there is a lack of clarity, read the wall of text.

I (30M) and my wife (30F) got married recently. We were together for 6 years before marriage and engaged for 3 (delayed the wedding twice because of C@VID). Her mental health has always been a struggle (depression, ADHD, anxiety), but during the relationship it feels like it's slowly been getting worse, and C@VID was really bad.

She really struggled with not seeing people during the height of the pandemic, and anxiety from a family health scare. During this time she lost her job but got a new one quickly after that was remote, but therefore more irregular with hours.

I have always tried my best to be supportive, and she's said in the past that she felt I was the only person she's ever met who made her feel she could become who she wants to be.

But I suppose that stopped being true at some point. A few months after our wedding, she got C@VID and also had long C@VID symptoms for a while. It was very difficult mentally and physically. I think she was mostly recovered after several months when she got C@VID again and long C@VID symptoms again.

We knew better how to manage it, so it improved slightly faster, but stress-wise, it all became too much. After she got C@VID the second time, we started being much more careful with our masking. We only ate indoors for important occasions and wore masks in bars.

We sat outside in the winter at any place that still had outdoor seating. But after her second C@VID recovery, she spiraled into a depression worse than I had seen before. She decided to take a leave from work. During the depressive episode and leave, I fed her, did all the household chores, and worked full time.

During her leave, she started improving. She attempted to do many things, like take classes, but the only thing that she really did consistently was yoga. Her sleep schedule was really inconsistent from the depression, so she would often struggle to go to sleep, resulting in being up late and then napping and continuing to cycle with late sleep times.

This meant that she would take later yoga classes (after dinner) and then have energy. She would say she's going to go to a bar with friends from the class or that she was going to draw at some bar after.

Or that she needed to think about therapy, etc. Usually, she would say her intention was to be at the bar for an hour or two and then come home. But she would inevitably say "just another 2 hours while I think about things" and do that again, until bars closed. Then she'd come home, sometimes drunk.

During recovery from a depressive episode and long C@VID, I thought this was an unhealthy coping mechanism, and it made her sleep even worse. It meant she'd sleep through the day and not get Vitamin D, and sleep quality is so crucial for mental health as well.

I would say my thoughts on this, but she's always been defensive about feedback from me. I've journaled about this many times and talked to her about it (including asking her to talk to her therapist about it), but during our couples therapy sessions, we never really got to issues I had with her communication.

We only talked about methods I should use to ensure I don't trigger her from past trauma and how we can both deescalate (very valuable things, of course).

But this time I suppose was too much. During her times out, guys would talk to her. Eventually, one wore her down, and she made out with him. She gave him her alternate email, and they'd meet up to make out, eventually having se%.

She also met two other people who she told she wanted something purely physical with, but she says she never had physical se% with them (she would send dirty texts to them and masturb@te to their texts).

I discovered this when I picked up her phone to charge it when she was napping. We have each other on FaceID and thumbprint, and when you start charging, the screen lights up and shows past notifications.

I saw a weird text, so I opened her phone and looked at it. I didn't think it was suspicious when I clicked on it and had literally zero suspicions until I realized what I was actually reading. Now, our relationship has gotten really bizarre.

I looked at it purely with curiosity because we were so open otherwise (I thought). I was distraught, but I also saw that this guy sent emails to her alternate email that she doesn't keep open by default. I sent myself the emails so she couldn't deny anything later.

She woke up from her nap, and we talked and cried. I was so broken and numb. But her remorse seemed so complete, and she said that she was dying to be wanted and feel young and alive.

She said she never wanted to be with anyone else. She said she's messed up (mentally) and she's so sorry she's destroyed our marriage too. I wanted to work on this, her mental health, and us, and I told her I wanted to be with her.

The next day was hard, but we seemed to get through it somehow. Then she had a therapist appointment. We talked about it afterward. Her therapist seemed to tell her:

She's never done this before, so it isn't "who she is." She was feeling trapped and wanted attention. The leave from work and freedom is working for her mental health (which is true). It was a violation of privacy the way I discovered it.

And during this conversation, all these things she said very defensively and with an attitude of blaming me for her actions. I was not happy about the perceived lack of guilt.

Over the next few days, she seemed to take responsibility, and I had hope for our growth from this. But then she wanted to think about what to do about her job after an afternoon yoga class. This was 5 days after I found out. After, she delayed when she'd come home again. And again.

I told her to take her time until she told me she'd be home by 2. I said she can't do the exact thing she did when she cheated this soon after cheating. How can she expect me to trust her?

She had location sharing on her phone, and I went to the bar she was at. I told her this again in person. She said she was staying until 2 and that's how it was. I left, and she did come home later. I don't think she cheated or anything.

After couples therapy the day after, she had another therapist appointment a few hours later. After that, she's basically not been home. She has told me semi-loose plans (having dinner with a certain friend), but not more than that. She says she needs space.

She'll come home late and sleep on the couch until I wake up, then go sleep in our bed until it's time to leave the house again. Based on our couples therapy session, I think she is going to demand changes from me so she doesn't feel trapped.

I don't want her to feel trapped! I want her to be healthy and to have healthy coping mechanisms and to want to be with me. She still texts "I love you," to me, but she hasn't said she loves me in a week. I am so scared she wants to separate more completely. Not only for my sake but hers. She's had suicidal ideation, and I just want her to be ok.

I think she has projected her parents' relationship onto me and will see anything I do as controlling or annoying at this point. I think her therapist has heard her talk about me this way as well and is encouraging separation.

I don't think her therapist is wrong based on what she's heard, but I think it's possible my wife is being selective about what she tells the therapist. For example, she didn't tell the therapist she was cheating on me for the 2 months it was happening. I would guess that she also wasn't telling the therapist how often she was going out alone drinking.

At our next couples therapy session, I think I'm going to be told she's moving out, and if I don't want that, I'll be "controlling" her again. I don't know how it's come to this. When the couples therapist found out, she told me, "Just because she feels trapped does not mean that you are trapping her."

But I am scared that my wife (who definitely has felt I walk over her in conversations) is choosing now to put her foot in the sand. It feels like the most unfair time and decision, but I don't want to lose her and start my whole life over. I also don't want to acquiesce to this and have her think she is right to think I want to control her. That would result in a life of her resenting me in her mind.

I know I'm not blameless - we got couples therapy before this happened for a reason. I am argumentative, and she gets triggered by confrontation from past trauma.

We have worked on it a lot, and I am doing better, but I'm not perfect. But above all else, I want her to be happy and healthy, and I thought she knew that. So how can she think that I want to control her instead of thinking she's coping unhealthily?

I don't know how I came across with this text, but I am kind of numb right now writing it. I can't stress enough that I try in every conversation to understand, even if she feels I am just trying to win or if the conversation gets heightened by my tone or her trauma.

It's the number one thing we've talked about, and it hurts so much that she really thinks I want to control her even though what I am proposing (not demanding) is as mild as being at home by midnight on weekdays and trying to sleep well for her mental health.

TL:DR: Wife cheated for 2 months. Felt I was being controlling because suggestions for what to do about C@VID and depression. Is probably going to demand space and to be treated differently. I am torn between not wanting to lose her and feeling like it is totally unfair to focus on how I need to be better rather than her mental health and our communication.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

featauu writes:

You are in the thick of this so you can't see it for what it really is. She may have mental health struggles but it sounds like you have done what you can to help her. You CAN'T force her to help herself.

She needs to want that on her own. You may not be tying her down, but she probably feels like your marriage is. I think she came close to death and decided she wants to do what she wants no matter how self destructive that is or how much she hurts you.

You CAN'T fix this. If she is not on board with healing your marriage, there is no changing that. More you try to control that, the more she will pull away. I don't think her mental health should be more important than yours. You have already prioritized her.

To come back from infidelity, the cheating partner has to not just feel shame or guilt, they have to have a deep sense of remorse and be willing to go the extra mile to help their partner and marriage heal. From the way you have described her since the day you found out, she is no where near remorseful.

She wants to pin this on you and make it your fault. It's not! She doesn't want to feel bad. She doesn't want to put in the work to make it right. This is so cliché but the tighter you try to hold onto sand, the more you lose.

Focus on your own healing and mental health. You're going to make yourself sick trying to chase her, accommodate her, and ultimately you will lose yourself. Consider separation and really letting her go.

fleek writes:

I want to preface this by saying I’m not arguing with you or saying you’re wrong—you are absolutely right. I just want to add something to it for educational purposes for others who may read this.

Though the wife’s therapist may have been presented with incomplete or even misleading info, as a clinical psychologist, I can confidently say that anything her therapist said to the effect of, “you didn’t actually cheat” or “it was OK to do that,” or any insinuation that it wasn’t wrong is seriously fd up.

While it is obviously of the utmost importance to support clients/patients, it is never OK to reinforce objectively bad choices (like cheating and other trust violations in important interpersonal relationships).

While they may be common poor choices, reinforcing them, especially in a client who has significant interpersonal problems because of their mental illness—particularly in the case of people with strong cluster B personality disorder features (sounds like wife might have some of that), is counterproductive to treatment goals and likely to do more harm than good. Doing harm rather than good is outright unethical.

Having said that, what the OP is writing is likely what his wife told him her therapist said.

That may not only be skewed, but may be an outright lie she has told him. There have been quite a few times I’ve gotten calls from people in clients’/patients’ lives where they are berating me for “Why did you say XYZ to my [insert person]?”

“How could you tell [insert person] XYZ was OK?,” etc. when in fact, I have never said those things—usually it was something quite the contrary.

Of course, due to confidentiality, I can’t even confirm or deny that I know the person they are calling me about unless I have explicit permission already documented from the client to do so. Even when I do I have to be super careful about saying anything at all, for the good of the client.

I usually say I need to talk to their loved one first and we can take it from there. But I will say that when that happens, it sometimes seriously underscores and further elucidates the pathology of the client, and I usually (very privately) feel bad for the person of the receiving end of the lies.

In the OP’s situation, it sounds like they are in both couples counseling, and the wife is an individual therapy. If that is the case, there absolutely should be two different therapists, and the therapists should be talking frequently and frankly between themselves professionally.

OP if you read this and you’re still committed to working on this relationship, I strongly recommend you disclose everything, but especially what your wife told

you her therapist said about her cheating, to the couples counselor and specifically request that they speak to the individual therapist about it, or better yet, that they coordinate a session where husband, wife, and both therapists are present to address the cheating issue.

Not doing something of that nature runs the risk of the therapists working at crossroads and being harmful to one or both members of the couple (which, again, is unethical).

When I’m speaking as just a person, not a professional, if OP was my friend or family member and they asked what to do, it would be separate with a commitment to a minimum time frame for that separation.

That’s based on the info given. I don’t mean separate and do nothing/have no contact at all, but separate while (if) they work on/decide about the relationship. The OP needs better boundaries that he sticks to, the wife needs a clear message about those boundaries and very reasonable expectations of trust in a relationship.

And sorry for the bluntness, but OP needs “space” every bit as much as if not more than widely here to see with better clarity the dynamic of what is going on here. And for OP to get into 1:1 therapy for possible co-dependence in relationships and to know your worth. Wishing you the best OP.

doradive writes:

I agree that you can't hold her if she doesn't want to, OP. I can relate to your post on several levels. My current partner had long covid. I know how devastating it is, and we're still not out of the hole in which it threw our relationship.

But to be honest, your wife's coping mechanisms don't sound ideal at all. Drinking at bars alone, etc. And that is her decision. You can't make her be healthy if she doesn't want it, and especially because it seems your feedback to her behavior reminds her of some trauma and she feels the need to assert her independence.

I can relate to that, too. Over two decades ago, a relationship I was in ended because of my mental health struggles. I was starting to feel better mentally, and I just felt the way me and my then boyfriend interacted, and the help he was used to give me, couldn't accomodate the person that I wanted to become.

I felt I needed to let the relationship go in order to grow. It wasn't anyone's fault, and it was super sad to lose a good person.

I had problems admitting to myself that the relationship was over. It also took me getting too close to someone else to realize what's going on. But the thing is, the cheating was a wake up call for me, and I ended the relationship with my boyfriend.

Your wife knows very well that cheating is not a healthy coping mechanism, but she kept doing it in secret until you found out. And now she still doesn't seem to have the courage to make a decision:

Either stop the negative coping strategies and say yes to your relationship, or face the fact that she can't do the relationship anymore. I think you have a right to ask her for a path forward that isn't just more of the same.

Update 1:

I'm going to give an update and then respond to some common feedback I got. After seeing the couples therapist again, the couples therapist and my therapist strongly felt my wife likely has Bipolar Disorder (1 or 2 unknown), triggered from long Covid or something.

Some family also suspected it. Over the last few weeks, we've had a few cycles in which she comes back to me crying, apologizing, saying she doesn't want anyone but me (all the things I want to hear).

We'll talk about what our future may look like, whether we need a change of location or some kind of reset. We make up, including se%. This form of absolution for her seems to calm her, but then she seemed to get antsy again and leave for increasing amounts of time, again with unsafe behaviors.

She's admitted to continued cheating in these times as well. I am worried about it, as she's come back from wherever she's been at like 6 am and sleep for 14, 15, once even 19 hours. It feels very stereotypical Bipolar behavior.

Talking to my therapist, I've come to realize how unlikely it is that this will end up ok. I love this person, and as much as I want the best for her, it is not guaranteed that I am actually helping. Not because I'm not doing all I can, but because all change for her has to be internal.

And statistically, Bipolar takes a while to treat, and even if it is treated very successfully, we go back to having a relationship in which she was so insecure about whether she was good enough for me, about her own intelligence, and about confrontation, that it'll be hard to think we'll make it regardless.

So I've basically made the internal decision that I'll be seeking legal separation (basically divorce with separated finances, but she can stay on my health insurance).

My therapist has also said that I do exhibit some patterns for control to alleviate anxiety, so some uncertainty will be good to learn to deal with it. So I think it'll be a win-win for my mental state, my wife, and my future. I'm basically going to prepare this all, and when I think my wife is in a stable place, I'll ask for separation.

She has already packed her things intending to move out anyway, so I think it can be relatively seamless. I am going to take some solo trips and ask some friends to plan a different trip with me as well.

I've also been reaching out to many old friends and re-establishing my old community, and it's made me sad that I lost touch with so many great people and so happy that I have been able to get them back in my life.

Update 2:

Many of you were right that she'd continue to cheat. Otherwise, everyone implying I don't have respect for myself or that I don't have self-esteem is simply wrong (and usually, not very helpful).

Maybe for others, it would be a wake-up call, but I can't tell you how much it didn't feel useful at all. I genuinely have incredible resilience (I lost a parent early in life and made it through childhood poverty) and self-esteem...

and I am personally incredibly proud of myself that I can consider what is best for other people even while I struggle. I do not struggle with standing up for myself ever. I wrote that a week after I found out.

I also want to caution the typical chorus of calling cheating partners every derogatory word in the book. Many deserve it, of course. But life is usually not so black and white, and while I don't excuse her actions, my wife is not how many of you describe her. People have complexity.

She can lie to me and feel remorse. She can feel controlled without my being controlling. She can have trauma and extend that to me, but that doesn't mean I'm responsible for it. Not all lying is gaslighting. She can be empathetic to others and not to me. I'm not apologizing for her actions - she will feel the consequences for them.

In general, I found the tone of many comments surprisingly unhelpful, but hey, you get what you pay for. For the future, I think we should remember that many people posting on this sub are having some of the worst times of their life, and extending some grace is not that hard. Thanks for reading.