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Man's feelings for wife drastically change while she's on vacation; 'She ABANDONED ME.' AITA? UPDATED

Man's feelings for wife drastically change while she's on vacation; 'She ABANDONED ME.' AITA? UPDATED


When this man is upset with his wife and turns on her, he asks the internet:

"AITA for falling out of love with my wife after she took a 7 week vacation?"

I (32M) have been married to my wife (30F) for 4 years and we've been together for 8. She is a stay at home mom. We have lrish twins (1F, 2M) which was incredibly taxing for my wife.

She wanted a solo vacation break for a few weeks where she would travel different states, visit her high school and college friends, go to concerts, and do a lot of fun stuff.

She asked if I would be fine with it. asked if she could make it maybe a couple of weeks shorter, because 7 weeks managing our 2 children alone sounded really daunting, especially since work was also getting taxing recently. I do work remote so at least that worked in my favor.

My wife and I discussed for a couple of days, and I ultimately agreed with her that she did deserve a break because of what she has been through the past few years.

And so she took her vacation. The first week managing our children alone was extremely difficult and I did feel like I was losing my mind, but I survived.

My sister came over to help me from the second week on, she was honestly a life saver, and I will be eternally grateful for her. I never directly asked her to help me, but I guess I indirectly did because when she video called me the end of the first week, I basically broke down in tears.

So from the second week on, my sister stayed over at my house to help with my children, and a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I also was really able to focus on work, and meet my deadlines.

To be brutally honest, I did not miss my wife at all. I was emotionally and mentally relaxed, and also had a lot of fun with my children and my sister. I felt a sense of betrayal that my wife had actually gone through with the 7 week vacation. I slowly fell out of love with my wife.

When my wife came back from her vacation, she was super refreshed and recharged, but to be honest I was a bit indifferent. My wife tried to initiate se% the first night she came back, which I rejected because I said I wasn't feeling it.

The subsequent days, I had the same level of indifference in our day to day life, and she probably noticed it but didn't say anything.

A week later, she asked me why I was like this and I told her I don't love her anymore. She apologized for taking the 7 week vacation, and asked if there was anything she could do to fix it. I told her no. We pretty much went through the motions next couple of weeks, before I finally decided that I wanted a divorce.

She seemed devastated when I brought up divorce which surprised me because I already told her I don't love her anymore. She asked if we could do couples therapy or marriage counseling first before I started looking for a divorce lawyer, and I told her I needed some time to think about it.

I spent a few days thinking about and I am still leaning towards a divorce, because I basically don't love my wife anymore, and I don't think marriage counseling can fix it. AITAH for falling out of love with my wife because she 7 week vacation?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

gargan writes:

YTA. You needed to take care of 2 children for a little over a month and a half. You had your sister helping you for 6/7 of these weeks.

Your wife came home feeling better after the incredibly exhausting ordeal of giving birth twice in a 12 month period. She was probably extremely burned out, if not suffering from PPD at some point during those first two years.

It took you less than two months to be so traumatized by not having her to depend on that you decided you don't love her anymore? No counselling, no efforts to work on things, just make two babies with somebody and then abandon her for needing two months to get well again? Way to make a joke of your wedding vows. You should be disgusted with yourself.

feesta writes:

NTA.I think a lot of people in the comments are glossing over the fact that your wife is a SAHM and you work FT FROM HOME. So she got to leave and you got to be FT parent and working. If there had been daycare set up because you’d both had jobs, it wouldn’t have been that drastic of a shift.

As it is, her job by virtue of being a SAHM was to take care of the kids and household while you worked and I say that as a mom who was a SAHM for many years. Not only that but you were trying to work WHILE watching your kids.

I’m not sure how she thought that would work because if I had no income and wanted to vacation, I would make it as easy on my spouse as I could by finding some sort of childcare which is what you ended up doing. Not sure why you’re being vilified for that; if you don’t work, you don’t get paid, lose your job then everyone is homeless.

People post on here frequently about losing the love for the partner due to an extremely selfish action whether it’s cheating, refusing to help them during trauma/tragedy, etc. I can see how this would fall under that category.

I think if she had come to you with a solid plan for 7 weeks of childcare in her absence, you would have felt very differently about it all but as it was she just left without making any sort of game plan with you which is her job as one of the parents.

Does all this mean you should divorce? Only you can answer that. You’re the one who needs to decide if marriage counseling, time, her remorse or anything else will fix this for you.

feline4 writes:

ESH You ended up in tears after 1 week and are somehow surprised or bothered that she wanted weeks away when she’s with them 24/7. What had you done before all of this to help lessen the burden to prevent what was clearly burnout??

The fact that your kids are only 12 months apart means she got pregnant pretty damn quick after the birth of her first. So, she was caring for an infant and pregnant and doing everything else for the house?? Pregnancy is hard enough let alone trying to recover from a previous birth too.

You handled it and had fun because your sister took care of your kids and you got to go back to being a fun parent.

She shouldn’t have taken so long away, but 4 weeks makes plenty of sense given the mental and physical toll she has gone through in a short amount of time. You’re no prize and instead of owning your fups that led to this and thinking of working on your marriage, you’re choosing to say end it. How pathetic

violentiah writes:

I hate to say it, but if you didn’t miss your wife after the first week, because you had someone to help with the kids, that seems to be all you see your wife as, and you werent really all that in love with her in the first place. Wife sucks for abandoning her family for nearly 2 months.

You suck for getting her pregnant twice in one year, seeing her only as a convenience, not just telling her that 7 weeks would make you reconsider the relationship (and what timeframe you would be 100% ok with) and not even trying counseling before giving up. I think wife is the primary AH here, but you’re not coming across great either. ESH.

fafagpp writes:

YTA. I hope this is a joke. A lot of people are saying you are NTA because 7 weeks is much to long a of time to be away from your tiny babies. I beg to differ. 7 weeks is ungodly, this is true. And you are a complete ASSHOLE if everything you’ve written here is true. So ESH.

Why? Reason number 1: You agreed. And it seems like you were well in contact since you, maybe through social media, since you say you know where your wife was and what she was doing.

So if it was truly a problem, you could have given your wife an ultimatum at any time. You would have had SEVEN WEEKS to DEMAND that she return home! If you did not make a demand, you can not expect compliance.

This is the number one reason I say YTA. This one is completely your fault. 2: Your rationale for ending your marriage is a lack of love. Man. You loved your wife enough to give her two irish babies. That is some dumb f bs right there if I’ve ever seen any.

Addendum to 2. If you leave now, you’ve completely wasted the best years of her life. Good luck finding someone who wants a thirty year old jobless woman wrangling two crying infants.

3: You have no regard for you children. How would you feel if you were in their shoes? Resentful? Angry?

You should because you are responsible for nurturing a caring and loving relationship with their mother, creating a fun, happy and stable family home, modeling proper communication (remember that this is part is your principal defect) and so forth. Not your own happiness.

That is why you want a divorce, because you feel that your wife ran away from her responsibilities. You would be doing the same, only on a more massive scale.

4: You have no regard for your wife. Your wife was completely clear and open to negotiation as far as you have written. If she has done something to force you to agree to her vacation or force you into divorce, then of course the situation will be different. But assuming that is not the case, you demonstrate absolutely no willingness to compromise.

Your wife wants counseling. NO. Your wife wants to fix her mistake. NO. Your wife wants you to accept her apology and acknowledge her remorse. NO. Your wife wants to keep the family together. NO. Your wife wants s%. NO.

Your wife wants a break? That was your mistake and you are kicking yourself for saying YES. That’s why you “was like this.” Never again, you say to her. Don’t you dare ask for another break. Without words of course. Indirect terrorism.

5: You sic your kids on your sister for SIX weeks! Worst brother ever.

fortudye writes:

Yeah, YTA. You finally got a taste of what your wife has been dealing with this whole time, and your takeaway was to divorce her because she needed a break? You couldn't handle it for 1 week without a breakdown, but she does it day in, day out, and you begrudge her a well-deserved vacation?

Of course you didn't miss her much while she was gone. You were too busy and exhausted, and had the novelty of spending so much time with your sister. But word of warning: even if your sister is willing to stick around forever to help you with the kids, that novelty will wear off.

You're going to have fights, possibly bitter ones. And eventually she will leave, because she needs to live her own life, not while away years raising your kids. So you'll be back to doing it all on your own. Are you sure you can handle that?

As for "falling out of love," I hate to break it to you, but every couple does at some point. That doesn't mean the relationship is over. You can choose to fall back in love again.

That was actually the best marriage advice I ever got. A friend’s mom told me frankly that she had fallen out of love with her husband 3 times during their marriage. Each time, she seriously contemplated divorce. But instead, she chose to put in the work to fix her marriage.

She started doing little things for her husband. Picking up his favorite snacks at the grocery store, not just the kids'. Making his preferred meals more often. Waking up 20 minutes earlier so she could kiss him goodbye in the morning. Calling him occasionally during her lunch break just to say hello. Just little things. But they added up.

It was changing her focus, more than the actual specific things she did. But whether consciously or not, he noticed the extra care and attention, and he reciprocated.

And with both of them focusing on acts of service for each other, their feelings for each other rekindled as well. It didn't take terribly long to be just as in love as they were when they first married.

Right now, OP, you're too exhausted and stressed to feel much of anything, especially love. Don't jump to hasty decisions like divorce without at least trying to save your marriage. I'm not saying no one should ever get divorced.

Just that "I fell out of love" is a completely fixable one. And when there's kids involved, and no other serious marital problems, it's worth a try.

adad writes:

NTA, your wife was a.n ass for dumping you with the kids for seven weeks. Very selfish. I think if you do marriage counseling the counselor will drive that home.

Your resentful of her abandoning you. And you have a right to be. But falling out of love. I think its more your tired of carrying all the burdens allone. Ask her what will happen if you stop working for seven weeks partied and took a vacation from being a dad?

Stay at home mom is taxing but we forget the burden that puts on the working spouse. I think her dumping it on you emotionally broke you. And you need counseling to deal with her abandonement.

Bro sorry your here but your wife very selfish and not a safe partner. Thank to your sister. I suspect your family not to happy with your wife.

Go to individual counseling for the abandonement. Then marriage counseling. But your wife needs to accept that if the kids drain her this much she should find employment and drop the kids off at daycare.

Then bro you went through hell being abandoned by your spouse. Maybe take some time off. Get your kids and go on vacation. Tell your wife she needs to use this time to find employment to help carry the burden of paying for everything.

If you divorce her she take you to the cleaners and you have no 50 50 split because she stay at home and the kids are small. Rather take your time. Go for marriage counseling.

Let her know that her rest came at a cost for you. She could not cope and needed this long break. But you had to care for the kids and work, pay bills and only survived after a mental breakdown because she just walked out. She has serious introspection to do.

I understand your feelings. But divorce? Give her the opertunity to fix this. Go for counseling. The counselor will react like most on here. Seven weeks!!! She just stepped out of her marriage and respinsibility.

But your a dad and owe it to the kids to at least grant her a chance at redeaming. Talk through options like her needing this masuve break how she think you would cope if she was drained. Get a job and get childcare like most women breaking their backs allonside their husbands to pay the meal tickets. You have a freerider along in your wife.

Update 1:

I woke up this morning, spent an hour reading the comments and decided that I at least owe it to our children to try couples therapy before considering divorce. I told my wife of my decision, and she was really happy about it.

But I also told her I don’t expect too much to come out of it, because I just didn’t love my wife anymore, and wasn't sure if couple counseling would fix that.

I want to clarify a couple of things. Money was not an issue, I am lucky to be working in a high paying, albeit stressful job. It really didn’t bother me how much money my wife spent on her trip.

The main issue was I was emotionally and mentally overwhelmed managing 2 children while I was also working full time (albeit remote). My wife was also specifically against daycare for personal reasons.

By the end of the first week, I had lost my sanity and basically broke down in tears when my sister video called me. She called me 2 times during the entirety of her vacation

My sister had enough time to come over and help me from the second week on, and she really wanted to because it gave her a purpose in life.

She has no plans to be in the workforce, and she is pretty much set in life because of my father’s money. I did ask my father to not leave any money behind for me and give everything to my sister, because I was already in the workforce, and had a good job.

Sources: Reddit
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