When this man upsets his sisters, he asks the internet:
My parents had me when they were really young, are still together now and had two more kids, my sisters Katie and Jess later on. Im 15 and 17 years older than them respectively.
Because of the age gap, sometimes I feel more like an uncle than a big brother to them. Ive been fortunate in my career to do well and Ive typically been pretty generous with them when it comes to things like Birthday's, Christmas, and graduations.
My sister Katie got married 2 summers ago and had your typical traditional wedding. Id guess around 125 people were there, it was very nice, and definitely not cheap. I dont know how much they spent but I know my parents and her husbands only were able to contribute for about half the cost.
The rest was my sister and her husband paying for it. They were super cool and let me and my wife bring our 2 kids even though I later found out the venue charged the same for kids as adults for the food and everything.
It meant a lot and I didnt want their inclusion to be a burden so my wife and I gifted them $500 as a wedding present to cover our plates plus a little extra.
My sister Jess has always been more "low key". When she got engaged she told us all she would likely elope and nobody tried to convince her otherwise because it made sense for them.
They arent flashy and have always seemed pretty frugal, definitely not the type to throw a big wedding costing 10s of thousands. They announced a couple weeks ago that they eloped in the mountains with just them and the necessary witness.
I was happy for them and didnt feel like I missed out on anything, Ive been to enough weddings that I dont have fomo, Im just happy they had what felt right for them.
Since they didnt have a wedding, I didnt think to get them a wedding present because you know no wedding...but they did just go under contract on their first home together so my wife and I got them a $100 gift card to Home Depot.
I remember when I first bought my first home there were a lot of home improvement stuff and I made about 100 trips there so thought it would be a nice gift.
Apparently she asked Katie what they got for their wedding and she told them and now felt a certain way about our gift to them. She made a comment about feeling like their marriage wasnt respected enough because they didnt throw a big party and said it felt like I was showing favoritism.
I thought it would be understood that the situations were just different and its unreasonable to expect the same generousity when you dont give any generosity (aka feeding people) by not havign the full wedding. Maybe I am wrong though so wanted some neutral opinions.
gahew writes:
NTA. You got a wedding gift for the older sis partly to cover the cost of four plates at their wedding. For my wedding last year, which wasn't flashy, dinner was more than $100 a plate. Your $500 gift wouldn't have covered the cost of your dinner, I think. At the end of the day, you likely helped fund their wedding and nothing more.
The other sis didn't even have a wedding, so her gift is all gift. She's a major AH for comparing the two situations. Honestly I wouldn't have even given a gift to someone who didn't have a party. That you did and she's now saying it wasn't enough makes her the AH of the story.
likquidmert writes:
NAH. Nobody is ever entitled to a gift or a gift worth a specific amount of money, but I can totally understand how giving your sibling a cash gift in an amount that’s drastically lower than what you gave the other sibling for the exact same occasion would be looked upon as kind of a middle finger, so I can’t say she’s the asshole for being offended.
I don’t understand or agree with your way of thinking about wedding gifts as repayment for inviting you to the reception at all, but you were within your rights to make the decision you made so I can’t say you’re the asshole either.
euphori7 writes:
Different situation, but my daughters graduated HS 3 years apart. Both alternative education programs. Older daughter completed an auto mechanics course as well as HS for her last 2 years. Her uncle and aunt made her a money tree with several hundred dollars of small bills and brought it and presented it to her at the graduation ceremony.
Younger daughter did online HS and worked full time as an assistant manager at a pizza restaurant. They didn't even show up to her ceremony and lifted her with a $50 visa card a month later. The gift card even charged a service fee to activate it. 10 years later, and they still haven't forgotten it.
It hurt the girls to see "family" making such a glaring difference and showed such favoritism in the way they were treated. It doesn't necessarily matter what they spent on their functions. It matters that you treated them so differently. My kids uncle and aunt were assholes in that situation, and in this case, I feel like YTA.
creaimn8 writes:
YTA. The whole wedding gift should cover the cost of the wedding meal is something reddit LOVES and isn't the way the vast majority ofnthe world thinks about it.
It makes no sense. People don't know how expensive a wedding will be. People are at all kinds of different stages in life - when I was 21 and a wedding guest I'd have been hard pressed to cover the cost of attending a fancy wedding.
Nor would a loved one who was disabled or going back to school. Are they then excluded from the wedding because the couple choose steak?
A wedding gift should reflect how close you are to the couple and your own finances, and not influenced by the amount of flowers at the ceremony.
It's your sister. Regardless of celebration treating them fairly equal is the most appropriate approach.
You are celebrating the marriage and helping them get a start in their new life. Not buying meals.
saltyinti writes:
ESH You didn't attend a wedding for Jess, so I'm not surprised that you didn't think the gifts needed to be equal, and frankly Jess should have been prepared for that. She probably WAS on some level, for other friends and family.
But YOU are her big brother/uncle figure and known for being generous. From a parents perspective, if you have one kid wanting a big wedding and the other wanting to elope, the sensible thing is to offer them the same $$ and let them figure out how to spend it and that is likely where Jess is coming from. From that light, you WERE showing favoritism, whatever your logic.
Jess is over-reacting, and no one is guaranteed a gift, etc., and she should try to see it from your side and realize that all the other times you've been generous should overshadow this one time when she expected it and didn't get it. And also the AH for comparing notes with Katie; that's not cool. Understandable, and common though.
molulya writes:
YTA. i’m a more low key person and from an immediate family member i would definitely feel slighted. honestly, they made the better fiscal choice of closing on a house rather than having a huge wedding. they now have a whole house to fill. not that it’s anyone’s responsibility to do that for them but it’s really ignorant on your part
also “covering plates” is such bullshit bc you have to pay the venue beforehand. no one should be doing something they can’t afford depending on cash gifts. if someone got a gift off a registry it’s not going towards their plate and is also a very acceptable thing to do.
this just might have me hyped because as a single adult woman i would have loved to have a registry when getting my own place without a spouse.
instead i have gotten to spend a lot of single person money celebrating the merging of two salaries that typically have led both members of the couples to be much better off after they got married than when they go in, and it’s not like i get a refund if they get divorced
pretymeat writes:
NTA if the situation was reversed and you didn’t have another sister, you’d still be NTA. While anything would be appreciated, I wouldn’t expect a gift from anyone if I eloped.
I would have handled the situation same as you. $100 gift card was more than generous enough given the context. Anyone else calling you an asshole is blindly entitled— fair & equal do not always go hand in hand. You were fair to both your sisters, even though the gifts weren’t equal.
tahtah writes:
YTA. These are your freaking sisters. Why are you being like this? There is no way you can give one sister 5x the other sister's gift and think that's ok. Are you five times more happy for one sister's marriage?
The whole "cover your head" thing is crass, especially in a situation with siblings, and you say that you can afford it. I don't blame your sister for feeling slighted, because you slighted her. You came up with your own justification as to why you were correct in doing that, but it still makes you an asshole.