Man is suspicious of wife's activity at bachelorette party; 'She's been acting weird ever since.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this man is concerned about his wife after she attends a bachelorette party, he asks the internet:
"My wife went to a bachelorette party but is it evasive about what happened. A mutual friend is dropping weird hints. AITA?"
My (33m) wife (30f) went to a hen party last week which was supposed to be dinner, drinks and dancing followed by board games at the bride’s house. She doesn’t like being away from home so we were texting regularly through the evening, she sent me pictures of dinner, cocktails and her and the girls etc.
It got a bit weird when they got to the “club” after dinner though. She said there was a change of plan and that the maid of honour had arranged a surprise for everyone but my wife didn’t know what it was.
They were going back to the maid’s house for it where my wife had never been before. I messaged her to check they’d got there safe etc but didn’t hear back.
I’m not one to panic but my wife tends to get a bit panicky with new things so I checked in with a mutual friend (28f) who was also at the party to see if all was good.
She replied quickly and said “yep, (my wife’s name) LOVES the stripper”. ***(The friend hadn’t thought twice about this apparently. I messaged her today and she voice noted me back a 30 second long groan, saying how hung over she’d been and that she wished there had been a stripper because drinking was the only was to enjoy the other activities).
So I figured that was the surprise and I reply and laugh it off, saying great, I hope she has fun.
About 15 minutes later I get pretty much the same text from her and my wife saying it was a joke, there was no stripper, just board games and my wife sent me a picture of some generic board game on a table.
The picture had a very faint watermark in the corner so I Tineyed it and it was a stock photo. I replied and said I could see the watermark, it’s totally fine if she saw a stripper and it really didn’t bother me. She didn’t respond directly to that but kept me updated that she was coming home etc later in the evening.
***( she explained that the picture she sent was what the party was supposed to look like. She showed me the WhatsApp group for the hen party where that picture was sent to the group.
She then showed me in her camera roll the actual picture from the evening which was Mario Kart Monopoly and Risk which nobody wanted to play. She said she meant to message me that afterwards but they moved on to the next ‘activity’ abruptly.)
When she got home it was about 2am and she woke me up by falling through the door with her friends who I could hear were definitely very merry. They dropped her and went and she came and said hello then went straight for a shower.
The mutual friend sent me a message saying in a hugely drunken jumble something along the lines of “You might not want to k~s her on the mouth lol”
I mentioned this to my wife when she was out of the shower and she turned bright red. She said she’d thrown up in the street and she didn’t want to talk about it. She lay down in bed and fell asleep pretty quick. ***
(This was obviously the biggest, weirdest red flag. I sat down with my wife this evening and we talked through it. I told her everything I remembered about her coming home etc, what she and her friend said and what the evidence seemed to point to.
Her explanation is actually something a few of you touched on, those dumb hen party games. Apparently the “game”, cringing called “wife training” was to go down on a cucumber, whoever did the best would win some plastic trophy with a picture of a p on it. Great stuff.
She said she didn’t want to but also didn’t want to be a wet blanket so she tried but it pretty much instantly made her gag and throw up quite a large amount of babycino which she said is some manner of cocktail.
She offered to show me on the party WhatsApp group some of the other girls doing it as some had got really into it and were trying really hard to win. The thumbnail was enough for me to believe her and also not want to see any more.
She apologised for saying she threw up in the street but said she was embarrassed about participating in the game and throwing up over herself. This was also why the shower when she got home.)
Curiosity got the better of me and I messaged the friend back and asked how come my wife had thrown up as she didn’t seem that drunk. She replied and said (again, drunkenly) “She didn’t throw up though there was definitely gagging lol”. ***
(Again I questioned this when I spoke to her and asked what the message had meant. She replied which honestly seemed to be supporting the bj theory at the time but after talking to my wife it makes sense that she was referring to the cucumber game.)
I know what the friend is hinting at but I’ve let it lie since then. I don’t know how to approach it with anyone and my wife has been more quiet than usual since. I’m not a confrontational person by nature so I really don’t know what the next step is. ***
(Thanks to everyone who said I should power through this and helped me swallow my nervousness to get it done. Honestly every part of what she said checks out and I feel stupid for letting it run this long without speaking to her.
Whether I was afraid it was what I feared and that she had fd a stripper or something worse like she’d been assaulted while drunk I don’t know but it’s been an important reminder to talk to her when I’m unsure.)
avasg writes:
Everything about the night suggests your wife cheated on you. She lied to you multiple times, her behavior when she got home and afterwards is ridiculous and evasive, and her friends are dropping hints as if they think it’s funny.
If it’s a prank, they’ve worked very hard to create the impression she’s been unfaithful. They can hardly be surprised if you proceed full steam ahead as if you believe it’s true.
I’d suggest contacting the groom and getting him involved. The ladies clearly all think this is hilarious. They will reconsider when this little episode blows up not only your marriage but the upcoming wedding.
Bride is going to be plenty pissed when Groom starts canceling reservations, and that’s when the throwing of each other under the bus will commence.
By the way, don’t believe them when they start frantically backpedaling. She almost certainly blew him, and probably fd him too. Why else would she need to go straight in for a shower? If all she did was blow him, brushing teeth would be sufficient.
dmuggg writes:
It's not about being confrontational, it's about you already having caught her red handed while blatantly liying to you with the stock photo. She destroyed any trust you should have at that very point, the rest is just gibberish, but she has some explanations to give.
She'll probably try to talk about how you should trust her and shit, but she's past that at this point, you'd trust her if you hadn't caught her liying. Why lie if it was just a stripper and you were ok with it? She clearly had more than a look at the guy. Talk with her, calmly so, but be assertive dude, you can't let her make you her personal welcome mat.
Hell, all of this shit is reason enough to break shit off, never mind cheating which most definetly happened (Shower part kinda confirms this), trust is the base of any relationship and she broke that without even thinking.
What's more, not only did she lie, she was manipulative enough to try and find a photo so that you would have a different picture of how things were going, so yeah, that's the person you're married to. Hope this is an eye opener for you.
kmicgobo writes:
Do you REALLY think she would have sent that stock photo to you if the party had been held in a location you were familiar with? Because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have. Do not ignore the fact that she actively tried deceiving you.
Even if she is reading this comment over your shoulder currently, you have GOT to at the very least remain skeptical of her story. She tried to lie about it once, what makes you so sure she isn't just trying to save face?
She needs to be doing everything in her power to earn your trust back, even if she's as innocent as she claims. Because even an innocent person would recognize how suspicious their behavior looks, and would want to make amends.
I've personally lucked out and have only ever had positive relationships in the past, so this isn't me projecting my experiences onto your relationship. I just don't want you getting blindsided.
And now, OP's update:
okay, wow. Thanks everyone for your messages. I’ve been at work all day but checking in as and when I could. I appreciate the many messages of support and encouragement and in a weird way the people who told me to drop my wife immediately. Your guidance, be it one way or the other, helped me through this.
I’ve updated the original post above with the relevant explanations she’s given me. I’m completely satisfied that she was safe (if stupid) and that she didn’t choose to, or wasn’t coerced into, sexually activity with another person.
She’s reading over my shoulder as I’m writing this and she says hello Reddit. Thanks everyone and for the many people who wanted an update, I hope you’re as happy as I am with how it’s ended.
Update 2:
The overwhelming majority are telling me not to believe her and I get it. If a stranger told me this sequence I’m sure I’d be sceptical too. I know the partner of the woman whose flat it was and he checked the Ring triggers for the whole day.
The only people in and out were him, his partner and the hen party. They live in a first floor flat with safety windows so unless the stripper was made of paper and posted through a window or stuck in a handbag, there literally wasn’t one.
I didn’t want to go all Big Brother on this but honestly it’s bothering me thinking that people are still scorching my wife because of stupid drunk judgement. No more updates after this and I’m not engaging any more because people are adamant I’m karma farming when I just want this over now.