Man is suspicious of his wife and his friend's behavior, 'I want to check her phone.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

"I am suspicious of my wife and my friend’s behavior. I want to check her phone. AITA?"

My wife (30F) and I (32M) just returned from a long weekend camping trip with two other couples, friends we’ve known for years. We had a great time, but something happened the morning we left that I can’t shake.

We were all packing up, getting ready to head back home. I was loading our car, when I looked up and saw my wife and my friend. There were at the campsite, several feet away. She was bent over to pick something up, and in that split second, I saw him reach out and squeeze her hip, sliding his hand down...

My wife quickly pushed his hand away, but she didn’t look upset. She was smiling at him - almost playfully(?) It all happened so fast, maybe a second or two, but it felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I glanced around, but no one else seemed to have seen it. His wife was busy packing up their car, and the other couple was further away, chatting about the ride back.

The drive home was quiet. My wife tried making conversation, but I couldn’t focus. My mind kept replaying that scene over and over. When she asked why I was so quiet, I lied and said I was just thinking about work. The truth is, I was in shock. I didn’t want to bring it up.

If I mentioned it, she might tell me I was imagining things, that I was being ridiculous. The rest of the day I felt like I was just moving on autopilot. I barely slept last night and can hardly focus at work today. My mind keeps racing, questioning every detail. Aside from what I saw, the rest of the trip was great and nothing seemed out of place.

A part of me is wondering if read the whole situation wrong. But, the look on her face, that smile—it was too friendly, too casual for something that crossed a line like that. I love my wife to death. We’ve been together since freshman year of college, and I’ve never had reason to doubt her. She’s my best friend.

But now, for the first time, there’s this knot in my gut that I can’t untangle. I’ve never been the type to snoop. I’ve always trusted her completely. But right now, I’m sitting here, wondering if I should check her phone.

It's password protected, so even if I wanted to, I don’t know how I’d do it without her finding out. This is eating me up and I know I need to do something about it. WIBTAH to go through her phone? And even if I wanted to, how can I if it is password protected?

FIRST UPDATE:

Found her iPAD - it didn’t have a password, so I got in and it is still connected to her phone. She has Telegram on it. They’ve been chatting on there. I am still going through the messages, but she is cheating.

I am not falling apart yet, I’m trying to keep it together to make the correct next move without fucking this up. What do I do? Do I confront her when she gets home? Do I go to his house and confront him? Please help.

SECOND UPDATE:

Thank you all for your advice. I didn't tell her anything. I have locked myself up in my home office under the pretence of needing to catch up on work. She is not suspicious. I kept the IPad with me, she hasn't used in so long she won't even know it's missing.

I took pictures of all their messages using my phone as a safety measure as well. They have been chatting for at last 8 months as far as I can tell. Telegram is their main communication channel it seems. They've sent each other nudes, R-rated messages, and making plans on making their relationship official after leaving me and his wife.

I can't believe she would do this to me. From the messages, I saw she had sent him a suggestive photo of herself on her way to the gym earlier this evening, and when she got back home, she started kissing me, wanting to be physical. I declined saying I needed to get work done.

I am confused right now and unable to think clearly, so I will follow the advice I am offered here: lawyer, gather evidence. I will work on those. I also saw several comments advising me to separate my finances from hers. We co-own the apartment we live in, and have joint bank accounts.

My parents died in a car crash 2 years ago and left me a large inheritance, which she knows about. She does not have access to the money in that fund, is there anything I need to do to protect myself there if it comes to that point? We don't have kids yet.

THIRD UPDATE:

I work from home sometimes and didn’t have any meetings this morning, so I spent it researching and calling lawyers. I have two consultations lined up for tomorrow, but the majority couldn’t book me in until next week.

I will tell his wife and show her proof as soon as I settle on a lawyer and get myself covered first. Once she’s been informed, I will give her time to get her affairs in order and secure a lawyer if that’s what she wants to do before I decide what to do next, such as confronting my wife.

I don’t understand how I’m feeling. I am not angry for some reason. More numb maybe. Sick and nauseous when I think of the messages I’ve read, especially the inappropriate messages. I just feel like I am just doing the things that I need to be doing right now, but it’s almost like I am living somebody else’s life. I don’t know how long I can keep up the poker face without her noticing something is up. Thanks for your messages and support.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

509RhymeAnimal said:

You don’t do a thing right now. You play it cool for a couple of days. You just confirmed your spouse is cheating and there’s a whole lot of emotion running wild. Take a couple of days to process.

Then start moving money, securing assets, gathering proof of funds, proof of the affair and contact a divorce attorney. When the papers are drawn break the news. (This is assuming you want to end the relationship. Even if you don’t want to end it, give yourself some time to process.)

KeyDuckEye said:

When you know, you know. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. I'm sorry for the pain you are about to experience, but it is necessary. DO NOT be a sucker sir. Best of luck to you!

Primary_Garbage6916 said:

Don't bother confronting her or the guy. She will gaslight you, trickle-truth you, and try to keep you hanging on until she can get her ducks in a row. Don't move out of the house. Screenshot/backup all evidence.

Find a good divorce lawyer 1st thing in the morning and do what they say to do. The first your wife should know of your knowledge of this is when you hand her the papers. Sorry brother, been there and it sucks. But trust me, if you don't cut your losses and move on asap it will only be worse.

TNGeek69 said:

NTA, I definitely would look. I don't know how you didn't IMMEDIATELY say something! "HEY, WTF WAS THAT??" and talked it out with everyone, his wife included.

Wait-What-1577 said:

NTA. You are married. The fact that you guys don't have an open book policy and know each other's passwords is weird. What if something happened to either of you? Honestly, cheaters lie, and intuition is real.

Strangr_E said:

Gather evidence. Make multiple copies and place them in different files. I wouldn’t bother confronting your friend. Clearly that friendship is over. I would consider telling his wife after your wife knows that you know. You’d want his wife to tell you if she found out, yes? If you want to divorce, speak with a lawyer before letting on that you know. Play house until you’re secure enough to make a break.

Backwoodsintellect said:

NTA. Keep quiet, gather evidence, & get a lawyer. She should be the “at fault” defendant & that’s hella important for your future bank account.