Man tells cousin's love interest the truth about her "questionable" lifestyle. AITA?

When this man tells his cousin's love interest the truth about her, he asks the internet:

"AITA for telling my friend who was interested in my cousin about her strange lifestyle?"

my (20m) friend (25m) met my cousin (26f) who happened to be in town about a week ago when we were hanging out to celebrate my birthday. they sort of hit it off, granted everyone had drinks and were lightly buzzed, and exchanged instagrams at the end.

after that night, my friend proceeded to ask me about me questions about my cousin like what she was like growing up, and if she was single, etc. i was puzzled by his sudden curiosity about my cousin so i asked if he was interested in dating her and he told me he was and he was calling me to ask if i would be against him pursuing my cousin romantically.

i wasn't fully against it since i'm happy if my friend and cousin are happy but i did tell him that her religion and her choice to refuse to have premarital se% might be a problem that might become an obstacle for the both of them should they decide to pursue a relationship with each other.

my friend was a little disappointed by my answer and told me he'll think about it carefully.

i think he took what i said seriously because he ended up not contacting her altogether. my cousin texted me yesterday and asked about my friend and asked why he hasn't contacted her and i told her that i talked to him about you and briefly mentioned about her religion and celibacy.

my cousin then got mad at me and told me that that piece of information wasn't for me to tell and that i thwarted whatever they had in between them. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

excelpag writes:

Maybe unpopular opinion but YTA if he had her Instagram, and you were ok with them dating, you should have told him to message your cousin his question and keep you out of it.

Him reaching out to you to ask for info on compatibility and advise was already involving you in the relationship before it had even started.

Not to mention that's your cousin. There's a chance although religious she's no longer waiting until marriage. Why would anyone announce to their family, "I'm se%ually active now"?? Why would they tell their cousin? Literally none of this was your business.

legpan writes:

NTA. Your friend asked you about your cousin. You answered. If your friend thought about your cousin's religion and celibacy and then chose not to pursue a relationship, those things would have always come between them.

The religion and celibacy would have come out in conversation within the first couple of dates, if your cousin was honest about herself. Your friend would likely have ended the relationship there, as it would have been before any real feelings developed.

Your cousin needs to find someone who shares her beliefs or is willing to support her beliefs. It doesn't sound like your friend is that person, so you did them both a favour.

pomfu6 writes:

NTA It doesn't sound like this was information about your cousin that was given to you in confidence, but rather known info about her and her lifestyle.

You know your friend well enough to know that your cousin's known lifestyle and belief system are likely not compatible with your friend's, so you gave him a heads-up.

He was free to do with that information what he wanted. Ghosting her wasn't a great option, but that was ultimately out of your hands.

What did your cousin think would have changed if he had learned of her belief system at a later point? Clearly it's a pretty significant dealbreaker for him or he would have at least contacted her. You saved both of them some time.

feagyi writes:

YTA. What my cousins think they know about my private life versus what they actually know are very different things. I don't update my extended family on every aspect of how I choose to exercise, or not, my spirituality. So for a cousin to go catching others up to speed on my behalf would not be a sound approach.

Ultimately, I think you overstepped. It isnt on you to "warn" even a friend about religious matters pertaining to your cousin.

Your cousin may have a philosophical objection to premarital se% but may not actually incorporate that into her life. That's her choice. She doesn't need you interfering in her religious or se%ual choices.

cascadia writes:

NTA. You are not responsible for your cousin’s feelings or her dating life. Your friend asked you about dating your cousin and you offered information about it that helped him make an informed decision.

While I see the argument from others that you shouldn’t have shared that info, sharing it anyway does not make you an asshole, At worst it would make you guilty of a well meaning mistake (though I maintain you did nothing wrong).

You probably thought you were being respectful to both your friend and your cousin and intention does matter here. If your cousin is unhappy with you, there’s nothing stopping her from reaching out to your friend anyway. She is certainly capable of telling your friend whatever she wants to tell him about her dating and relationship preferences.

loudaci7 writes:

Soft YTA - sharing that she is religious is fine IMO, especially since she is open about it, but I can understand that she would rather bring that up in her own way.

Sharing her sex life however? gross and weird. Even if she is celibate, it’s still not your place to share unless she specifically told you she’s [still] actively doing so and told you it’s fine to tell her potential dates.

There’s also the fact that women get judged harsher than men for their sexual encounters and in her religious circles that might lead to her exclusion, so she might not practice celibacy but not want to talk about it.

OP for future reference if your palls ask about someone and then ask about their se% life, no matter what you know or don’t know, don’t share [mis]information without consent of the party involved. Just tell that person to ask them directly.

agua6 writes:

YTA. Your cousin's se% life has nothing to do with you and should not have been discussed by you. That is a private matter for her to bring up in her own time. For those who think she'd be "trapping" him into a date by not letting him know beforehand, what's your damage?

Do you know the se%ual history or preference of everyone you've gone on a date with prior to knowing them? No. What if he got the chance to know her first? And discovered they had a lot in common and he actually liked her. Maybe he'd actually be willing to wait.

Many couples do. Maybe she'd be willing to reconsider if she'd thought he was the one for her. Things change. But neither was given the chance at all. You told private information and your friend chose the shallow road rather than get to know her. Both of you are the AHs.

nostrus7 writes:

NTA. While some people like to keep their religion and practices private, I think it is better to give a heads up than to make offense and make them go against their religion. This might be a silly example, but imagine if she were Muslim and he took her out to a restaurant where they serve only dishes made out of pigs. That would be terrible date for both.

You didn't force him, nor choose for him, just gave him an inkling of knowledge what kind of relationship he would have with her... unless she was thinking of just ignoring her religious practices and if they weren't important to her at all...

flalau76 writes:

Religion, NTA. A person's religion, and how religious they are, are dealbreakers in anything but a casual relationship, and it makes sense to give someone a heads up if you know they aren't of the same mind.

A regular churchgoer would be a flat no for me, because that is not my life, not my beliefs, and not what I want for myself or any future children. Even one date with someone like that would be a waste of time for both of us.

Celibate? YTA. Unless your friend specifically told you they were looking for just sex, and you know for sure that's not something your cousin wants, it's not relevant information.

Dating is for getting to know the other person, and minds can change both ways with that sort of thing - he could get to know her and realise he's cool with waiting, or she could get to know him and realise she wants him more than she cares about waiting for a legally/religiously sanctioned ceremony.