Man tells coworker to 'freshen up' for important event, 'he's pretty scruffy.' AITA? 'Everyone was SILENT.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my coworker to 'freshen up' for an important event?"

I (32M) work at a company with the occasional events. I take them as chances to network with people from other companies and so on. My coworker [33M], who we’ll call Ben is pretty scruffy.

Showing up to work in the same outfit he wore the previous day and even sleeping at his desk sometimes. I’ve never interacted with him 1-on-1 per se but we’ve been on the same projects and I’m friendly with him.

Here is where the issue is: Recently, there was a company event, and, for once, Ben didn’t really participate or speak about it beforehand, so most of us assumed he wasn’t going. I didn’t expect him to come of course, but he did in the most unprofessional outfit.

He was wearing wrinkled clothes and colors that didn’t match. Like he rolled out of bed. He walked up to my circle and we locked eyes and I joked that he should’ve freshen up a bit to an event like this and there were some chuckles but everyone was mostly silent.

He soon walked away and my other coworker pulled me aside and told me that I was way out of line, and her and my colleagues think that I shouldn’t have spoken about his attire especially since I don’t know him very well.

I thought I was just making a joke to lighten the mood. I haven’t seen him since and he’s been actively avoiding me. Mostly everyone in my circle is expecting me to apologize to Ben...AITA for making a joke?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Nester1953 said:

I'm so confused. What was the joke? You told a co-worker you barely know that he should freshen up because his clothes were rumpled and unkempt at a company event. You told him this because you thought he looked bad and should have freshened up before coming.

To make your humiliation of this man even worse, you told him in front of a group of co-workers, some of whom chuckled. Now you're claiming that you humiliated the co-worker to "lighten the mood" as a "joke."

Perhaps you should look up the word "joke" and the words "bullying," "unkind," and "mean." You seem to think these words are interchangeable. They're not. Truly shameful behavior. YTA.

mammakatt13 said:

If they can fix it in less than 30 seconds, fine, like spinach between your teeth. If they cannot fix it in less than 30 seconds it’s just bullying, made worse in this case by the audience. YTA.

ConstantAggressive said

Someone wearing the same clothes, looking unkempt, and falling asleep at their desk sounds like someone who is going through something. Awesome that you chose to embarrass him. YTA.

Impossible_Rain_4727 said:

YTA: You are not his boss or his mother - heck, you are not even a casual acquaintance. Why is his personal style any of your business? You insulted his appearance in front of a group to 'lighten the mood'? I am confused why you thought the mood needed lightening in the first place? Your 'joke' is giving Mean Girls vibes.

lihzee said:

YTA. You're probably not wrong, but the fact that you don't even really know this guy and have never actually spoken to him before makes you an asshole in my opinion. A coworker you barely know making a comment about how you look isn't a good way to "lighten the mood."

Zealousideal-Ad6358 said:

YTA. That wasn’t a “joke” - that was a shaming dig under the guise of a “joke” in front of his colleagues. Absolutely terrible thing to do, humiliating someone like that. Give that man the apology he deserves.

UPDATE:

Thank you to everyone who made me realize I was in the wrong. I have been in contact with Ben lately and it’s been good between us. Firstly, I apologized the minute I saw him. I didn’t care who was watching, I just did it. He was sorta awkward (now that I think about it) and It took him a few days to slightly warm up to me.

The coworker who told me off for my “joke” informed me that Ben found out he has chronic pneumonia. It was severe that he was hospitalized for it. His insurance company didn’t cover most of the cost so he was left with a crippling amount to pay.

I should have noticed his health was deteriorating as soon as he went from a cane to a crutch, but I was too caught up with myself to even see it. The people who didn’t laugh at my "joke" knew about his situation and they’re all trying to help him in their own ways.

The nature of my ‘joke’ was incredibly out of place, I can’t even begin to explain myself for something like that and even though Ben assured me that it’s okay, I’ll be trying to make his life easier, or at least his work life. We recently started coming to work together since we found out we live pretty close to one another. I'm starting to realize what a great person he really is.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

BuilderWide1961 said:

Oof with that context, your joke was not good at all…At least you apologized and should treat this as a teaching moment.

ElsiMickey said:

I hope he fully repays the loan soon.

abluix said:

I’m glad you realized you were dead wrong. Now how’s that crush coming along...

DetectiveDippyDuck said:

Awesome resolution OP.