Man tells fiancé; 'You need to lower your expectations of my mother. She's an INTROVERT.' AITA?

"AITA for telling fiancé to be the bigger person with my mom?"

I’m 30M- newly engaged. I’ve been with my now fiancee(28) for 7 years. She is starting to avoid my mom and wanting nothing to do with her, and i’m torn in the middle.

My fiancee and mother are completely different women as far as personality, but they have always gotten along. Nothing between them specifically happened, but my fiancee dropped the bomb last night on how she can’t take seeing my mom anymore.

My mom and her dad live in the same city 4 hours away from us so we only visit 3-4 times a year. My mom expects us as company when we do visit, and it’s been this way since we dated.

This arrangement never seemed to bother my fiancee until now. But again, my mom is anti social and also has my adult siblings and 2 yo nephew living with her so she’s quite busy.

We hosted a wedding dinner in our parents city and my mom didn’t come to meet her side of the family, while she had members fly in from out of state.

My mom had to watch my nephew so she declined, but kindly invited us over to her home that same night. That infuriated my fiancee. She said “why would I visit your moms house after she ignored our night”

There was another time she had a nursing graduation party at my FILS and my family didn’t come but was invited. That made her upset and just added to the “they don’t care” about stuff we have going on.

She can’t fathom that my family doesn’t have to show up to anything for us, but she’s expected to visit there when we do finally see eachother. That’s honestly the only way I get to see my family, they are homebodies. She told me it’s embarrassing to constantly explain this to her side of the family.

Well, my fiancées mom passed away this summer and we visited my mom last month and that was the icing on the cake for my fiancée.

She told me once we got home she was greatly offended that my mom couldn’t ask her how she’s been doing, hug her, or even share her condolences upon visiting. She told me she’s exhausted because she’s the only one that seems to GAF.

She asked me if my mom even knew her mom passed away and I told her I mentioned it when she passed. She told me she’s tired of being expected to visit when my mom clearly doesn’t reciprocate visits, or ask about her wellbeing.

I don’t understand why my fiancée can’t lower her expectations because I told her my mom is just a shy person. She doesn’t believe me because it’s not fair “the expectations fall on her” and my mom gets a pass to be unempathetic and low effort in our lives.

She also mentioned my mom hasn’t anknowleged or asked about the wedding and she just has a list of what my mom hasn’t done. My in-laws are far more supportive and close as a family so we spend the majority with them anyway.

One of the last things she said to me was “I cant imagine bringing kids into this” as in she won’t want to have kids with me because my mom doesn’t come to stuff? I don’t know what to tell my mother because recently i’ve been having to visit alone, and my mom will ask where she is, and assume there’s an issue.

I now have to think of excuses for her not attending. My fiancee has washed her hands and now i’m in the middle. It’s such a lose lose situation.

I told her even though I understand her expectations of my mother is low, can’t she be the bigger person and just visit with me the 3-4 times we do visit? My fiancee has been extremely upset and hasn’t talked to me in almost a week because of this. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

archetype writes:

Yes unequivocally YTA. Here's the thing that many mamas boys don't understand: when you get married, your wife becomes your priority. Your marriage and partnership come first.

You are asking your fiancee to suck it up and that your mom and family get to stay exactly as they are. She has shown many, many times that she wants to make an effort for you.

Your family has shown many, many times that they won't make an effort for you or for her. It is absolutely rude that they didn't attend her graduation party or the wedding dinner.

I don't give a shit that they're homebodies - it showed her that you as a couple don't matter to her and that her achievements arent important or worth celebrating. She didn't even try to console or acknowledge your fiancee's mom's death when you stayed over. That's just rude and callous.

I do not recommend getting married until you two go to couples counseling. You expecting her to suck it up and not acknowledging or supporting her is going to lead to divorce.

I am so proud of your fiancee for standing up for herself and sharing her boundary. Trust me, she didn't come to this decision quickly or easily.

She gave your mom many chances and your mom has not shown up for her or your relationship and she's realizing it's a "your mom's way or the highway" relationship and that's not sustainable.

It's incredible the disrespect you are begging your fiancee to tolerate. Absolutely disappointing to see in a fiance. If you're going to use traditional wedding vows, how are you going to love and honor and support her through good times and bad when you're asking her to put her feelings aside for your sake?

albanybar writes:

I really wish I had your fiance's backbone. My MIL (now deceased) was just as cold and uncaring. My inlaws actually COMPLAINED that we spent time with my widowed mother (who would have spent all holidays alone if we didn't) and accused us of just wanting her money (not that it's any of their business). When my husband was going through cancer treatments my MIL accused me of having affairs. Nice.

If you actually think you are going to marry this woman, you need to have a difficult conversation with your mother. Explain that she is cold, rude, lacking empathy, and that your fiance is reconsidering marrying you because she doesn't want to have to keep doing all the emotional labor for your side of the family. If your mother cares about you at ALL she should care that her self-indulgent BS is causing you problems.

I am living proof things CAN get better (I was with MIL when she passed and had all her affairs in order, worked with her care team, etc. and I actually do miss her sometimes) but it takes HUGE amounts of energy and compassion and I think you need to be blatantly honest with your fiance and yourself and see if you are up for that.

The other option is to go no contact with your family and have your fiance's family be your only family.

It sounds like your mother has an actual mental health problem and needs to see a doctor and/or a therapist. Social anxiety, agoraphobia, etc. are real. But being a flaming jerk and offering zero sympathy to your future DIL when her mother dies just suggests your mother is a selfish person who doesn't care at all about others.

YTA for not setting a boundary with your mother and trying to make this your fiance's problem. Your mother is SO FAR BEYOND being TA that they really don't even have a name for it.

endlessdtam writes:

YTA. Enjoy your marriage while you can, cause if you don't change, your wife will realize that her MIL problem is a husband problem.

"My mom expects us as company when we do visit, and it’s been this way since we dated." - So you prioritize your mother over her father.

"My mom had to watch my nephew so she declined, but kindly invited us over to her home that same night." - Your mom chose to watch your nephew rather than go to the very important event.

Babysitters exist and you have two more than capable parents of said nephew, one of which isn't blood related to you, who also could have bent if that wasn't an option. It is far more important for the mother of the groom to be there than his SIL.

"That made her upset to just adding they don’t “care” about stuff we have going on. She can’t fathom that my family doesn’t have to show up to anything for us, but she’s expected to visit there when we do finally see each other." - Your mom doesn't care. It's pretty obvious.

"She told me she’s tired of being expected to visit when my mom clearly doesn’t reciprocate visits, or ask about her wellbeing." - As she should be.

" One of the last things she said to me was “I cant imagine bringing kids into this” as in she won’t want to have kids with me because my mom doesn’t come to stuff? " - This is going to go one of two ways.

Either your mother will love the children and prove that she's a liar and just doesn't want to put effort into your wife, or she will ignore the children, and they'll wonder why grandma hates her. I love how you're like, "Well my wife can't do X, Y, and Z..."

Why is there no, "Well why can't my mom do X, Y, and Z?" Why are you putting the full responsibility on your wife?

agah23 writes:

ESH. You're either being used as a go between or have made yourself one, and yet you don't communicate the full reasoning to your mom. Your mom seems to make little to no effort. And your fiancée seems to not want to even consider that other people have different standards and expectations.

Honestly, the lot of you come off as not only having poor communication skills, but outright wanting them to be poor in your own shitty ways.

Also, from the story you wrote I see zero effort at direct communication between your fiancée and mother. I get the feeling they both need to talk with each other honestly before anything can even be attempted.

wegt writes:

NTA. Your fiancée has valid concerns about your mother's lack of engagement and empathy. While your mother might have a shy personality, her behavior seems to go beyond that, leading to your fiancée feeling unimportant and unsupported.