Man tells his girlfriend that her 'feminine' behavior is making him 'sick.' AITA? 'Things came to a head.'
"AITA for telling my girlfriend that her 'feminine' behavior is making me sick?"
A common argument between my girlfriend (21F) and I (22M) over the course of us dating has been her saying I don't "take the lead" enough. I've always been fairly soft spoken and an easy going sort of guy. I'm not the type to go out of my way to try and look "macho" for anyone.
If it were possible for something to rank in the negatives on my priority list, that would. The main relationship modeled for me growing up, my parents', was one of shared responsibilities. Not of one person always being in the (both metaphorical and physical) driver's seat - which is one of our problems, ironically.
It's mostly little stuff that has built up over time. She always expects me to drive, like I mentioned before. (Lots of car ones actually, like her asking me to start her car in the mornings when it's cold outside or taking her car to get the oil changed.) There have been times she's complained about her food to me at a restaurant and then gotten annoyed when I didn't mention it to the waiter on her behalf. Things like that.
Things came to a head yesterday. We went out to dinner and I suggested she drive home. She shut it down pretty quickly, so I told her that her behavior is starting to make me feel really uncomfortable. I feel like I'm playing some sort of role.
She started ranting, saying she wanted to feel "safe and loved," and that she wanted to feel "feminine" in the relationship. I told her that her "feminine" behavior is starting to make me physically ill.
I wasn't lying. It's like there's this pit in my stomach every time I try to force these actions, or when I feel her clinging to my arm like I'm supposed to be this protector. I would also like to feel safe and loved in the relationship.
I don't want to feel responsible for someone else's well-being the way she expects me to. I'd love to be able to shut my brain off and let someone else do the thinking for a little while. She's very mad at me, and said that me saying she makes me sick is a low blow. I do feel like I might've went too far, but I was being honest. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
deathbychips2 said:
She needs a man who believes more in traditional gender roles than you do and you need someone who doesn't. I'm not sure why people keep insisting on dating people who don't have the same gender role beliefs and trying to force it on the other one.
Signal_Violinist_995 said:
You two are not compatible. Neither of you are aholes - you want what you want. Next time you start a relationship, make sure those things are discussed up front. There are many women who want what your girlfriend wants, there are others who don’t.
DHCruiser said:
NTA - As others have commented, you aren’t compatible for the long term. You both have very different wants and needs for relationship roles. You need to move on
3ToJKhaD said:
NTA. Other than not being compatible, her trying to force that role on you is reason enough to break up with her. When it's guys aiming to make their gfs act "traditionally" it's automatically called out and rightfully so because it is weird, controlling and just completely disrespectful.
I think the comments are being too lenient on her. She's not weird for wanting what she wants even if it does sound like she wants to date her father but she's definitely weird for trying so hard to push it on you and not listening when you say you don't want it.
Break up and find a partner who wants to take care of you as much as you want to take care of her. Trust me, it is way better on this side.
Plastic_Fun_1714 said:
NTA. However if we are being honest you guys just wont work together. Some people are raised differently and it's clear that you guys wont work out. If you are actually getting sick to your stomach with seeing these things then you need to move on and find someone else.
Dating to marry is how previous generations did it and I think it should stick around. In a case like this do you even see a future with this girl as incompatible as you are? That being said you are a man and YOU ARE supposed to protect her at least to some extent.
I wouldn't expect that go away nor should it tbh. Even if you both work out actively or train in a martial art your physical abilities to fight a man (under reasonable circumstances) are just better.
Severe_Box_1749 said:
Nta. She sounds super traditional. You aren't. Y'all are probably going to break up, because y'all ultimately want and "need" different things.
Janeeee811 said:
NTA, but she needs a guy who naturally wants to do these things. It’s fine that you don’t but you’re just never going to be compatible with her or girls like her.
Imaginary_Pattern205 said:
NTA. She isn’t your person. Y’all need to cut each other loose and use this experience to help each of you better acknowledge what you do and don’t need out of future relationships.