Man tells his wife's pregnant sister that she'd be a 'horrible mother.' AITA? UPDATED.
"AITA for telling my wife’s pregnant sister that she would be a horrible mother?"
My wife J (F26) and I (M28) have been married for 3 years now, we’ve known each other since we were in diapers, being neighbors and all. J got pregnant 2 years ago and then had a miscarriage 2 months later. That was a really rough time for the both of us and J’s and my families really helped her get through the whole heartbreak.
Her older sister, M (F32) recently got pregnant and held a small dinner party to announce the pregnancy. She has been working on her career for a long time and didn’t find anyone to date and marry until 4 years ago when she met her husband.
My wife has always looked up to her sister and is admittedly more submissive to her older sister growing up, and that is where the problem comes up. At dinner, the whole family was eating and chatting away when M and her husband stood and made a small toast and she joked about not being able to have alcohol for a while now.
We immediately understood and congratulated her. However not even two seconds later, she continues to say that she is glad that my wife miscarried while M was busy making herself financially stable because it is only right that the oldest grandchild be from her. And then my wife.
Then she laughed and the whole table was silent. My wife started laughing in that awkward way to try and diffuse the situation but I was pissed off. I stood grabbed my wife and told M that she should pray her child comes out with even a fraction of how amazing my wife is when they have mother like M.
Then I said I was absolutely repulsed and left. J’s parents called to tell us that they understood my anger but that I was too harsh on M and that the stress right now is not good for her. All the while my wife was silently disassociating in our room, and crying in random bouts. She even brought out the beanie we crocheted together for our child and hugged it. That’s how I knew she was not in a good space.
M’s husband texted me to apologize to M because she was in hysterics and screaming at him for not supporting her. And that pissed me off more. But am I the ahole? My wife is shutting down again like she did before because of M’s careless words but I also did say that she wouldn’t be a great mother while she is pregnant. I feel like I could have been better but I was just surprised how after witnessing what J and I went through, M would’ve been more kinder over our situation.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
IrrelevantlyYours said:
NTA. Not even close. That was disgusting, unforgivable behavior on her sister's part. Good for you for standing up to her.
keephopealive4you said:
NTA. She owes you and your wife an apology. Not the other way around. What she said was vile and shows she has no empathy for her sister.
Equivalent_Actuary49 said:
NTA your wife's sister is a disgusting pos, I'm glad she has you in her corner.
CocoaAlmondsRock said:
NTA. Tell M's husband exactly how her words are affecting your wife. Every single detail. Tell him about the pain she suffered when she miscarried and the trauma she's reliving now. Then tell him to tell his wife she will NEVER get an apology from you.
lavender_i said:
I’ve lost a child. I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been attending therapy since but I feel like part of me will never recover. I had so many say such careless things. And I wished I had the guts to say something. NTA. Good for you sticking up for your wife and angel babe. They still count, they’re very real. People who haven’t gone through May react horribly on purpose or purely accident but it’s not something you can envision and know and it be the same.
McNuggeteer said:
NTA Thank you for standing by your wife. You are being wonderfully supportive of her. M is absolutely evil for what she said.
Spare-Valuable8031 said:
NTA. This woman literally said she's happy your wife lost a pregnancy, while she herself is pregnant, so she can produce the first grandchild?That's some truly psychotic, self-absorbed bullsh$t. Who tf says that?
I can't imagine my husband or my mother making excuses for me if I said some shit like that, and my BIL called me out. She deserved what she got, and if anyone is owed an apology, it's your wife. Not only does her sister owe her an apology, but her mother and BIL do as well.
Pianist_585 said:
NTA. Terrible people make terrible parents. Or like they say in my country the pear tree does not give apples. But I would suggest therapy for your wife so she can heal a bit better, not just because of this loss, which I am sorry she had has to go through, but it must have been tough growing up in this kind of environment.
UPDATE:
First I am really thankful for your support, I couldn’t read most comments because it’s been a lot. I believe both parties were wrong but I also believe my wife and I deserve an apology first like some of yall have said. My younger sister commented a while ago somewhere in the comments in some sort of update and it is true.
I just summarized the whole event but it was a little intense after my wife and I left. And that is why I feel like an asshole because J’s parents have been torn between the whole incident, they have come over to give us food and apologize for their lack of support but they don’t like how much M is stressing out about being a good mother.
I have told them about J is doing and they just went into our room and cuddled with my wife and she really became their small girl again. I guess in terms of low contact or no contact at all, I have suggested doing so with M. But I think J might need at least her parents’ support. After their cuddle session yesterday night, she seems to be doing better this morning.
We’re just doing some morning walks, tea and binge watching "Ghosts" UK. So there is that. Thank you again for your support everyone, I did not expect this much support. I would love to read all the comments but it does make me feel a little uncomfortable reading comments that demean M a lot so I’m going to end this here. I hope you all have a lovely week. Thank you again for the support.