Man tells 'insensitive' fiancée she can't demote his sister as a bridesmaid, 'she made a mistake.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my fiancé that she can’t rescind her invitation to one of her bridesmaids?"
My (M22) fiancé (F21) and I have been engaged for about two months now and at the beginning of our engagement my fiancée asked my sister (f20) to be one of her bridesmaids. My sister has a lot of chronic medical conditions which severely affect her quality of life. Things like standing and walking are incredibly difficult for her to the point where she sometimes has to use a wheelchair and can’t stand for more than a few minutes at a time without passing out. She also has a service dog currently in training for different issues.
My fiancée knew some of these health conditions but didn’t really know to quite the extent that she suffers. Now that wedding planning is is full swing I started talking to her about some of the ways that we can accommodate my sister during the ceremony, things like having a chair for her to sit down and allowing her to use her wheelchair for the party shots.
After explaining this my fiancé is of the opinion that she made a mistake in asking my sister to be her bridesmaid and wants to tell her that she can be part of the other aspects of the wedding but not a bridesmaid. I told her this was absolutely not an option because she is very very excited about being a bridesmaid for the first and likely only time and after a heated discussion I accused my fiancé of being insensitive.
To add some more context my sister is going through a lot of mental health challenges as well as dealing with a recent breakup with a 2 year relationship. She’s depressed and talking about being a bridesmaids was one of the only things that I’ve seen lately that has immediately brightened her face.
I don’t know what to do… I feel like my fiancé is being ridiculous for not wanting one of her bridesmaids to be sitting down during the ceremony but I don’t know. Maybe I’m the one that’s out of touch.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
IchStrickeGerne said:
NTA but I’d think really hard about whether or not you want to marry someone who wants to “erase” your sister. Also - make your sister your Best Woman if you’re going to go through with this wedding. I’m sure whomever you picked to be your best man would understand if you tell the whole story (if he doesn’t also try to convince you to call the wedding off). Wishing you the best, whatever you choose.
AtlasElPerro said:
lmao what the f-k is wrong with your fiance, that would be a deal breaker for me tbh. She's the ahole. NTA.
Help_An_Irishman said:
I know that a lot of brides get way too intense about their wedding and that everything has to be "perfect," but this is awful. I don't know if your fiancé has considered this or not, but rescinding the invitation is going to permanently damage her relationship with her future sister-in-law, and likely your parents. Does this factor in to her decision?
Are photographs or whatever she's concerned about really worth forever changing her relationship with her future in-laws? NTA. Also, I know this has been voiced already, but given that your fiancé didn't know the extent of your sister's issues, it's showing a bit that you two may be too young to be getting married. I'm sure that'll have no effect on things, but maybe think it over.
alaskamode907 said:
NTA. People get too wrapped up in the crap instead of focusing on more important issues. It's just a wedding. Your not going to look at the pictures or videos again. They'll get put away for your kids to get rid of when you pass. The memories your sister will have of being included by her brother and sister in law will last much longer and be way more meaningful.
BlueGreen_1956 said:
NTA. And your "bride" is throwing a red flag right in your face. Why would you want to marry someone like her in the first place? Also, you are just the groom. Have you not received the memo that weddings are all about the bride. You are nothing more than a prop. You could deliver your vows via zoom, and nothing would change except for the kiss.
Two solutions:
Make your sister one of your groomsmen (woman).
Break up with the bridezilla.
I vote for number 2.
RLS16x said:
You are certainly NTA, your fiancé is being a mega super AH!!!!!! The vanity of weddings brings out the worst in people. I am such a “what does this say about the bigger picture” person that an event like this happening would well and truly have me rethinking the entire wedding. What a selfish, insensitive person your fiancé is! Cares more about the wedding aesthetic than the marriage itself, clearly.
TashiaNicole1 said:
Beak down exactly what your sister may be required to do. In painstaking detail. Then bring those details to your sister. Ask her to evaluate honestly if she can handle it. Ask her to pinpoint where she might require accommodations. Tell her how long you’re likely to be standing.
Also offer your fiancé some fun alternatives to her BP standing. Maybe give everyone a seat and have the seats go up in tiers like you guys are at the top of the mountain with your GM in the same arrangement. Everyone stands when she enters and takes their seat when you all are in front of the officiant. Give your sister management duties. Or tasks that just require her to sit. Like making centerpieces rather than your more taxing BM duties.
I don’t think anyone is responsible for making alterations to their wedding for anyone. But if you want the people who’ve loved and supported you to stand beside you, you have to be ready for reasonable accommodations. ESPECIALLY when you’re aware that one of the people you’ve asked to stand with you has conditions that would require them. It’s a complete ahole move to expect people to change who they are, what they need, what they can tolerate for a wedding. You’re a bride not the empress of the world. lol.
But she knew there could be hiccoughs. And she may not have thought it all the way through. But at this juncture she needs to figure out if not providing a seat for your sister (a minor accommodation in my opinion) and kicking her out of the BP is worth the possible damage to her relationship with your family. “I’m sorry, you’re too disabled to stand with me at my wedding,” isn’t something you can come back from. NTA.
l3ex_G said:
Nta I couldn’t imagine marrying someone who didn’t have compassion for my family. The accommodations are minimal. Does she care more about looks over being a good person?